Usually I reserve this space for unloading on whatever seems stuck between my two ears and is in need for some happy ending releasing. It’s also meant to be light, airy, refreshing and devoid of any serious emotion; that is unless I’m talking about THE FOUNTAIN, in which case, it is coming out on DVD in May so be forewarned. It has come to my attention, however, that there is something that has raised my ire and I am in need to discuss things for the way I see it and for what I believe is blatant thievery and a rip-off of what I do here.
A long time ago, in December of 2005, I sent an e-mail to some individuals at Premiere a note with regard to finding out what I could do in order to get into their magazine. I thought, at the time, that the publication was one of only a few that catered to a certain film fan, not the casual fan who needs gossip mixed in their 5 paragraph essay-style reporting, and I believed it was their dedication to giving something more than just the glitz and glamour of your everyday type of entertainment magazine.
And everything pointed in that direction when I inquired about freelance work at Premiere, if even Premiere.com, and, being green behind the ears of traditional print journalism goes, what I could do in order to be considered as a possible stringer of some kind. Basically, it was me begging but using a whole lot of superlatives in order to confuse and obfuscate the issue. It happened to work, coincidentally, and I was put into contact with a very nice, very eager beaver who wanted to talk with me. Her name is irrelevant but what she did was indescribable. When this woman at Premiere heard who I was, who recommended me and that, golly-gee, already wrote for a pretty successful movie web site, she treated me exceptionally nice. It was great. For the first time, upon the prodding of a fellow writer at Poop Shoot, I sucked in my gut and stood behind the work I did and told someone in the position to look at me, “I write well enough and have compelling work to prove it.”
This was a first.
I’ve written a book that I am quite proud of but have never hocked it here because it’s a little weird for me to boast about my abilities. Sure, I can, and have, sold everything underneath the sun, including Property/Casualty Insurance to people in the manufactured housing market which, while very difficult, was one of the best positions I’ve ever had. It’s hard work, selling, but when it comes to my work I don’t do so well. I do, however, have a great ability in selling the site I write for to someone who wants to know what it is. Whether it’s some PR flunky who has zero clue about Poop Shoot or Quick Stop I have turned being reticent into a persona that has stumped hard to being content here. And this contact of mine at Premiere was all ears to hear how and what I could do for their website in order to make it better than it was. We had phone tags, she would try to get a hold of me, I was trying to get a hold of her. We had went back and forth with dates to get together and we finally, finally, settled on a day and date to talk. I had notes, for God sakes, scribbled down on a piece of paper and as I rattled off what I’ve done to make Poop Shoot a nice diversion for those who visit me on a weekly basis and that I believed that it’s important to be relevant to the audience you’re trying to reach and that a Podcast with the Premiere imprint would do well in a landscape that was, until then, untapped by any meaningful alternative for a weekly outlet that would speak to the demographics. I went on and on. I could tell she was interested. “Uh-huh, go on” or “Yeah, anything else?” she said. I thought I hit a nerve, a good one, somewhere with her. I had envisioned being able to pay an electric bill with a paid story or even having a Premiere.com address. We talked and talked for a while about every idea I had until my well went dry. She was thankful and said she be in touch.
“It was decided that we’re going to do everything in-house,” was what came back to me soon after we had our chat.
She asked me to “keep in touch” in case there were any openings. I did. I was, and am, a sales guy and if I’m given that little sliver of door to get into I follow-up. She thanked me for my time, my energy and for keeping on top this as it sounded like I was really passionate about it. Yeah, everything that an ex-girlfriend would tell you to keep things on a serious tip was what I got. But, the thing of it is, I was fine with it. These things happen. Zero times zero doesn’t mean a whole lot when your list of paying gigs represent a big, thick O. I let the thought go and admitted to myself that even though I thought I had the winning lottery ticket it was better to have gone through it than just living my life without ever knowing what pitching my ideas to someone who was interested in hearing them was like.
Like a guy who should have known better, when I followed-up my calls weren’t answered. My phone messages weren’t returned, my e-mail wasn’t responded to and it was only after a sensible time passed when I went from Johnny Persistent to Get A Clue, You Fuck. And so I did. I stopped calling or trying to get in.
And then I see this. Premiere‘s answer to “Trailer Park.” It was downright upsetting when I saw what passed for their interpretation on what I’ve built, what Bob Klein started, really, because I know enough to give credit where credit is due, and frankly it’s just awful that when I wrote to the person who I initially talked to last year regarding what a trailer column could look like Premiere.com I got the same response I did after I was pumped for all the information I had: Nothing. Not an explanation about how “Yeah, it’s kind of similar” or “No, it’s not similar at all” in kind. I guess it’s good enough to thieve, crib and pass along your own ideas as yours just as long as you’re big enough. I, also, am fully aware that there might not be any kind of impropriety at all going on, however, I am also aware that brushing me off and not exchanging common courtesy when its extended doesn’t make them look good, either.
I won’t bag on the writer who they have writing the column because I am sure she’s a nice person and doesn’t deserve any of my ire whatsoever, although she would do a lot better with it if she… Well, my ideas aren’t free; they are to everyone who is close enough to me to ask but what does a mega corp care about a little writer from Arizona who writes a weekly column without fail (Her column isn’t weekly, a shame) and who toils for free with only a stand-up editorial support system keeping him from slitting his wrists on the latest issue of Everyday With Rachel Ray that the wife keeps around the house?
Enough to give the impression that they’ve pilfered an idea and have tried to make it their own. If the adage is to let the work speak for itself then I think it’s fairly clear that while I don’t have the balls to say I’m canceling my subscription (Again, it’s not the writers I have a problem with) but it just disappoints me to have been taken for a sucker without me being any the wiser.
While the idea can be enjoyed anywhere enjoy the original taste of 100% goodness below.
UPDATE: I have since been contacted by Premiere regarding this situation and I hope to give their side soon.
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (2007)
Director: Julie Taymor
Cast: Evan Rachel Wood, Joe Anderson, Dana Fuchs, Martin Luther, T.V. Carpio, Bono
Release: T.B.A.
Synopsis: A romantic musical told mainly through numerous Beatles songs performed by the characters. A young man from Liverpool comes to America during the Vietnam War to find his father. He winds up in Greenwich Village, where he falls in love with an American girl who has grown up sheltered in the suburbs. Together they experience the sweeping changes of America in the late 60’s.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. Hmm, what I find curious is that the description only mentions the Beatles as a cursory addition to this film when it’s really the single most important element to this trailer.
I don’t understand the marketing, then. Is this a Beatles musical or is this a musical that just HAAAAPPPPENS to use Beatles music, in which case, the cost to license the tunes would’ve represented a large enough portion of the film’s budget if, in fact, the filmmakers had to pay for the use it. It’s a bit strange and so is the trailer if you’re high enough. This isn’t to say, though, that this is a bad trailer. It’s not at all but there are issues I have which should be clear as we get along in this review.
Kind of going along the theme, and my postulation, that this film’s marketing suffers from an identity crisis of sorts we open on some dude, not just any dude, but a dude who is going for that wet hair, slo-mo, lip-synch that James Blunt and Chris Martin of Coldplay made famous in their respective videos of saccharine love. I don’t get why this unnamed guy is singing the song or what it has to do with a movie in general but I don’t feel one way or the other about it. I’m kind of just, well, bored by it. I get it, though, that the guy is emoting about some lass he likes but this is show business after all and I don’t see why I should part with my money for it.
The next scene, though, the narrative really kicks in but it’s not so much a kick as it is one of those maneuvers where you wait until one of your buddies are walking in front of you and you give the foot they’ve just picked up a good old-fashioned boot that forces him to take a clomp-step and he punches you either in the shoulder or wang, depending on proximity. The story, I guess, is that this guy is going to school at an Ivy League institution and he’s a newcomer to America. The very fact that the guy’s name is Jude and the woman he’s interested in is named Lucy shouldn’t induce too much groaning but it does nonetheless.
Cue “With A Little Help From My Friendsâ€
College chicks in their cheerleader bloomers are cavorting, other schoolboys are sliding down stone rails in jolly frivolity while one of the main instigators of the F-U-N that college people like to do, slides down a bowling alley while standing up. (Hey, is that Bono?)
THEY LIVED WITHOUT RULES
Cue “All You Need Is Loveâ€
Now we get these same people running like free spirits through a forest in loose fitting clothing. Free love is flowing like the wine I never had a chance to partake of and it’s all tre 60’s while skirting the very sharp line of self-parody and it feeling anachronistic. Our Limey gets himself a piece, good for him, damn near swallowing Evan Rachel Wood in the process.
Now, here is the stuff I actually do like. The guy who welcomed the Brit happens to get shipped off to war and the trailer just explodes in a psychedelic pop of color, weirdness and oddity.
Cue “Hey Judeâ€
As you’re ralfing from the cheap sentimentality of our protagonist getting his heart broken the only relief is the laugher you feel at reading one of the cards that this movie is the of the, “MOST…ORIGINAL…EXHILARATING…SPECTACULAR… GROUNDBREAKING…motion picture of the year.†Please. That is not for you to decide and it’s rather presumptuous and gauche to declare in all caps. I mean, yes, the set pieces look absolutely astounding with their construction and creativity but this trailer needs a better pitch than this.
Cue “Across The Universeâ€
Director: Joel Schumacher
Cast: Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen, Danny Huston, Logan Lerman, Maile Flanagan, Patricia Belcher, Lynn Collins, Rhona Mitra, Mark Pellegrino, Tara Karsians
Release: February 23, 2007
Synopsis: The psychological thriller THE NUMBER 23 stars Jim Carrey as a man whose life unravels after he comes into contact with an obscure book titled The Number 23. As he reads the book, he becomes increasingly convinced that it is based on his own life. His obsession with the number 23 starts to consume him, and he begins to realize the book forecasts far graver consequences for his life than he could have ever imagined.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Positive. So, I’m watching SIDEWAYS.
I’m being floored by the copious amounts of male nudity, the ass and wang combo that is so rare in today’s cinema, and being entertained quite nicely but I reflected on the backlash against the film that I am still scratching my head at even today. You can see this in more recent terms with regard to LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. Some people are using that as a whipping post for decrying its pseudo intellectualism but for those who have an issue with the film’s overriding theme, as simplistic as it is, I think they would do well to stuff their narrow-minded comments up their collective bung holes. On that point, then, it was Virginia Madsen who really snuck up in that film and surprised me.
Jim Carrey, as well, surprised me and pleased me with regard to his serious turn in ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. Never has a movie been more poignant as it deals with love and loss, and the pursuit of trying to forget that person completely. The guy surprised me and I have nothing but love for that film.
Fast forward to FUN WITH DICK AND JANE. I’d like to think I wouldn’t hold future projects against a performer but that movie was damn close in annihilating any goodwill I had for Jim.
I am hoping this movie does a little more for me than DICK. The trailer does a lot though in promising this could be a return to form for Carrey, serious actor.
As we come into the trailer, the singular moment of Virginia finding the used red book that is going to drive the plot for the rest of the movie is adequately captured. I am amazed at how forgiving I am at the ham-fisted presentation of information but it’s still good.
Things ramp up even better as Carrey gets sucked into the world of reading really far into things dealing with the number 23. Now, even though we don’t get a real good idea as to why this book takes a serious foothold into his psyche but I’m along for the ride.
“All numbers have a patternâ€
Now, while Carrey begins to descend into a PERFECT MIND-like obsession with tying all things back to 23, and ignoring the shit explanation by some scholarly wag about the nature of the number, even hinting that Satan is behind one meaning, I’m riveted to know where we’re going with all this.
When the quick cuts start being slapped together, Jim mentioning the 19rd as the day when both Waco (P.S. Janet Reno lied to the American people. Enjoy being mindless sheep for whatever your Government tells you.) and Oklahoma City took place with April being the 4th month in that equation, all adding up to 23.
And, lastly, what the hell is up with the Carrey donning the tats in the last moments of this trailer? It’s creepy as all hell, Virginia looking like a stand-in for Morticia Adams, and I am completely lost as to how it is supposed to fit into the overall theme of the movie.
I know this flick, coming to us from Nipple-Gate himself, Joel Schumacher, is going to be more likely closer to mainstream with regard to how much you’re going to have to think I am giving thumbs-up to this trailer for the reason that I am genuinely contemplating spending some scratch on an original Schumacher.
Director: Walt Becker
Cast: Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Marisa Tomei, Jill Hennessy, Ray Liotta
Release: March 2, 2007
Synopsis: Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence and William H. Macy hit the road in this rollicking comedy-adventure about a group of middle-aged friends who decide to rev up their routine suburban lives with a freewheeling motorcycle trip. Taking a long dreamed-of breather from their stressful jobs and family responsibilities, they can’t wait to feel the freedom of the open road.
When this mis-matched foursome, who have grown far more used to the couch than the saddle, set out for this once-in-a-lifetime experience – they encounter a world that holds far more than they ever bargained for. The trip begins to challenge their wits and their luck, especially during a chance run-in with the Del Fuegos, a real-life biker gang who are less than amused with their novice approach. As they go looking for adventure, they soon find that they’ve embarked on a journey they will never forget.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Can’t Someone Protest This Film? Perhaps Appeal To The Hague? I don’t do this often but I was struggling to find what angle to come in at this and I found something that perfectly couches the rest of the explanation below.
[Taken from 1996’s TRAINSPOTTING. Used without permission but attributed thusly]
Sick Boy: It’s certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.
Renton: What do you mean?
Sick Boy: Well, at one time, you’ve got it… and then you lose it… and it’s gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed…
Renton: Some of his solo stuff’s not bad.
Sick Boy: No, it’s not bad, but it’s not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it’s actually just… shite.
I just don’t know what to make of this steaming pile of box office poison.
When you’ve had guys who have obviously done well for themselves years ago in great films: PULP FICTION, FARGO, BOOMERANG (I know, it’s stretching) and even mass-consumed sitcom pap like Home Improvement was a commercial success by any staunch critic’s list of popular sitcoms in the 1990’s.
Now, when you harness these guys who are on the downslide of their careers, Bill Macy being the one big pink elephant anomaly of the bunch, you have something that looks like a schmear of the thickest cream cheese and dick.
I can appreciate, though, the opening. I can. This is a film that needs to connect with my parents, not so much me, so for that it wins points for being knowledgeable of who its audience is supposed to be and doesn’t reach any further. I mean, hell, Travolta giving shit to the leaf boy is the kind of absurd, sophomoric funny-funny that moms and dads love; it’s a great hook.
Macy comes in, then, and notches the cock humor up a notch by having a big public display of misunderstanding not seen since the anticipated release of Windows Vista and its voice command capabilities. Again, it’s absurd, goes straight to the lowest common denominator and leads perfectly to Lawrence and Allen’s failed amusement park game where, surprise surprise, Allen gets a wayward softball in the nuts.
Can’t we stop with the obligatory nut shots? Hasn’t America’s Funniest Home Videos taught us anything about the shelf-life for this kind of gag? I guess if you’re white and over 40 it never gets old.
Speaking of which, I don’t know how we get from crotch shot to motorcycle ridin’ to the recent Top 40 chart topper, Collective Soul’s “Shineâ€, (Is that the best that some wag in the audio department could do? The song doesn’t even have anything to do with motorcycling yet, here it is, providing the soundtrack to our lives…) but I do know that the one laugh I will admit to having at the expense of this trailer is Bill Macy’s stunt double who wipes the fuck out after unsuccessfully executing a fist pump. (Physical humor that might be at the detriment to some sap’s health? Now that’s funny.)
Awful stereotypes follow of what it’s like to ride a combustible engine with no windshield to protect you from cow crap or wayward birds (???) but I am ballasted by John C. McGinley’s appearance at the end of this thing; It’s hard to try and resist the power of this poorly ignored actor. He’s great but the movie looks like all sorts of ass.
Director: Ben Garant
Cast: Thomas Lennon, Carlos Alazraqui, Robert Ben Garant, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Wendi McLendon, Niecy Nash
Release: February 23, 2007
Synopsis: The brave men and women of the Washoe County Sheriff’s Department — the thin khaki line that keeps Reno, Nevada on the straight and narrow – star in their first feature film, based on the hit Comedy Central television series. The deputies of the Reno Sheriffs Department attend a law enforcement convention in Miami Beach, where the motley crew is charged with protecting the city after bioterrorists attack the convention.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Made Me Laugh Over and Over. I am sorry, I am sorry. I am sorry.
One of the best parts of Comic-Con 2006 was being allowed to be a fly on the proverbial cow patty that was an interview my EIC had with Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant. The two stars of Reno 911 couldn’t have been more affable and enjoyable to talk to on a Sunday morning. The guys go beyond just sharing a brain, they share something you rarely even see in normal life: a bond. They seemed genuinely pleased to be in one another’s company and you could see why the show does as well as it does. When you’re doing any sort of ensemble project it’s utterly necessary to have faith in one another and it showed.
That said, the opening of this trailer is, perhaps, one of the best for a comedy I’ve seen in months. Forget all that voiceover bullshit at the beginning as throaty VoiceOver Guy tries to bait-and-switch, I think we all could agree that we’re all wise enough to know it’s a waste of all of our time to try and sell an action movie and then, ta-da, give us something else; it’s, frankly, in poor form and a piss poor attempt at comedic trickery. When we meet up with Dangle and Junior, Junior snapping out of a nap while behind the wheel, it’s not so much Dangle making it known that Junior shouldn’t be sleeping while driving, and it’s not so much the port-a-potty that they barrel into in one long tracking shot (because that was fucking hilarious) but it’s Dangle’s “nobody in it†that gets the payoff from me.
Further, the task of bringing up everyone who isn’t familiar with the show up to rapid speed is done quite successfully with the chicken that’s on the loose as Dangle nearly blows his foot off, Junior’s comparison of Reno to Mayberry is done without a drip of irony and then a hazed Junior walking into a door jamb whilst carrying a cigarette between his lips completes the trifecta.
I don’t know how else to say that even though the plot kind of hinges on the outrageous premise that a hotel has to be quarantined and that Reno 911’s cops are the only ones left able to patrol but the shot of the cars leaving the garage and one of them being T-boned inadvertently, probably Junior again, makes for some good humor.
I, as well, enjoyed the snippet of Dangle investigating a noise complaint from the residence of “a Suge Knight†and the alligator moment that, for me anyway, surprised even me; the results of which are where the real comedy comes from and this doesn’t look to disappoint in any way.
Plus, two things that would be awful if I had to explain why they were funny: Kerri Kenny’s mishap in the po-po helicopter and Junior’s “mishap†with a dead whale. Comedy platinum.
I’m sorry I haven’t kept up with this show on my Tivo. This problem will be rectified immediately.
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