Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• British actress, Michelle Ryan, a virtual unknown, has landed the lead role in the upcoming Bionic Woman movie.  Sources close to the production said that Michelle easily won the role because she “totally did that slow-motion running ‘WA-WA-WA’ sound better than the chicks.”

• It appears that the United States military is taking umbrage with the producer’s of 24. During a recent meeting, Army officials urged the show’s production team to feature more realistic torture scenarios involving less violence and the “giving of false information,” amongst other suggestions. 24‘s producers responded by locking the officials in a room with Keifer Sutherland, where he wrapped dry-cleaning bags around each of the officials heads and shot them all in the knee.

• Actor/comedian Bill Cosby is set to have his dog Harry enter the “Best In Show” category at this year’s Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Cosby’s involvement in professional dog shows began after a discussion with his manager as to how Cosby could further endear himself in the eyes of old, wealthy, white people.

• Actress Sharon Stone has people scratching their heads after her bizarre appearance at a Berlin auction over the weekend.  According to reports, Stone appeared to be “barely holding herself together” and taunted the crowd by calling them “naughty, nasty little Germans.”  When asked for comment, one infuriated German said, “She might as well have just said ‘you’re all a bunch of sheisse-film loving sicko’s.’  That’s what she meant.  Everyone knows it.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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