Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Lindsay Lohan’s mother says her daughter is doing really well, “great” in fact, with her current stint in rehab. Lohan herself was unavailable for comment as she was passed out in her room after a hard night of partying at Hyde.

• In movie news, Wolfgang Petersen is preparing an extended DVD for his 2004 film Troy, with over a half hour of new footage. When asked what the new footage will contain, Petersen stated that in order to meet demand, he will include “a hell of lot more shots of Brad Pitt in slow motion – like an angry Brad in slow motion, a sword swinging Brad in slow motion and jumping in the air, angry and swinging sword Brad in slow motion. Oh yeah… and a five minute close-up of Brad’s ass.”

• A new Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter action figure was unveiled last week at the International Toy Fair in New York City. The new, talking action figure is loaded with six of Irwin’s most famous sayings including “Crikey!,” “Ewww. . .’E’s a big one!” and “Holy [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! Somebody pull that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] sting ray out of my [EXPLETIVE DELETED] chest!”

• According to some eye witness reports, the divorce-pending couple of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been spotted around Hollywood together. Representatives downplayed the incidents but did confirm that the couple’s children and dealers have been trying to get Houston and Brown back together.

• In international news, Lord Voldemort appears to have earned his wings as a card carrying member of the Mile High Club. British actor, Ralph Fiennes, reportedly had a sexual encounter with a Qantas stewardess during a flight from Australia to India. As if losing her job wasn’t enough, the stewardess is being sued by United Airlines for upstaging their “Friendly Skies” ad campaign. In related news, booking numbers for Qantas flights have seen a dramatic increase and are up 789%.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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