Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rick Rubin, the man behind the most recent and crappiest The Cure album, has been offered a job as co-chairman of Columbia Records. Rubin has yet to commit to the job but has told friends and family that he looks forward to ruining albums for a whole new group of artists.

• In legal news, singer Whitney Houston has asked a judge to speed up her divorce proceedings from fellow singer Bobby Brown.  Whitney’s prerogative is to have divorce end quickly so that she can ascertain exactly how much money she will need to give “that mother-[EXPLETIVE DELETED] deadbeat.” Custody of the couple’s children and crack has yet to be decided.

• It appears that Steve Jobs and the Beatles have settled their long-simmering battle over the “Apple” brand name. According to sources close to situation, Jobs and ex-Beatle, Paul McCartney, settled their dispute in a back room where both men threw their gigantic bank accounts on the table to see “whose was bigger.”  After news of the deal hit, Heather Mills was overheard saying that she is “totally going to marry that Steve guy.”

• In a case of life imitating art, Granville Adams, who appeared in the hit HBO series, Oz, was arrested Sunday night after allegedly pushing a man into an elevator shaft.  The man, Orlando Vale, later died of his injuries. Adams agent released a statement stating the actor is looking forward to his new role as “bitch” and is excited for the opportunity to stretch his acting skills while practicing his “Doesn’t Hurt face” for his upcoming love scenes.

• Justin Timberlake has been tapped to host this year’s Kid Choice Awards. Timberlake, known for songs such as “Future Sex/Love Sound” and “Rock Your Body,” hopes to entertain the awards show attendees with suggestive lyrics, sultry dances and several crotch grabs.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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