Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

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• The spoof film Epic Movie was the number one film in the country this past weekend. Perhaps less surprisingly, the movie’s popularity is proof, once again, that Americans have ABSOLUTELY no idea what constitutes “quality entertainment” and for that, QSE News is exceedingly grateful.

• It has been reported that Katie Holmes will not be reprising her role of Rachel Dawes in the next Batman film. When asked for comment, Holmes simply stated that she wanted to do “what was best for my TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL husband, new baby and this freaky, [EXPLETIVE DELETED] religion that my TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL husband roped me into.”

• For her next album, Jennifer Lopez will sing all of the songs in Spanish. This album marks the 15th time in her career that the Brooklyn born Lopez has exploited her “heritage” for her personal gain.

• And finally today, the band Pearl Jam has announced that it will be playing gigs in 13 European cities this summer.  The announcement came as a “total surprise” to music insiders as many of them didn’t realize the band was making “music,” let alone, “still around” so many years after the release of Ten.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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