Hello again! ‘Tis I, your old pal M.C… back with a SUPER-SIZED edition of “Music for the Masses.” This week, I “whips out” a gnarly, Big Cock and slam it against the bedpost a couple of times to “warm it up a bit” before sticking it in your ear. Meanwhile, Double A checks in with the new one from Nas and proclaims that Hip Hop Is Dead and we “class the joint up a bit” by adding a new voice to the proceedings, “Reverb. . .with J.D.” Sound like fun? Well, what do you say we find out?

BIG COCK
Album: Big Cock
Sounds Like? The Whiskey on Sunset… circa 1987.

There ain’t no blockin’ THESE Cocks…

Before I begin any type of review for the new, self-titled album from Scottsdale, Arizona’s Big Cock, I would like to personally thank them… again… for naming their band after me. You’re too kind, boys… too kind. And since you were obviously using me as your naming inspiration, I would also like to thank you for avoiding the band names “BackHair,” “Halitosis” and “Un-descended Left Nut.” You guys fucking rock, in a very “don some acid-wash, crimp your hair and hop in the ‘Z’ to head to the tracks to slam some Matilda Bay” kinda way, and I’m reserving a special place in heaven for you boys… smack-ass between the guy who invented the “day-glo pink” wife beater and this hell-cat.. GRRRRR!!!!

Jesus… hope this guy never has an itch on his balls.

But seriously, folks, I’m here to tell you that, obvious “big dick jokes” aside, Big Cock is a group of HARD rockers in the VEIN of Deep PURPLE and HELMET. In fact, even a ONE EYED SNAKE could see how HARD these guy’s rock. Okay… I lied. Those were still some OBVIOUS jokes and perhaps… PERHAPS… that last one was a “bit” of a stretch. Whatever. Let’s just suffice it to say that Big Cock is one of the best non-hair “hair metal” band that you have ever heard… like an AquaNet “wetdream”… sans the AquaNet.

AquaNet… the first choice for dudes dressing like chicks.©

That’s right, Mr. Brett Michaels!! Keep your fingers crossed!! I smell an “opening act” opportunity for you on the horizon!!

Pamela Anderso… wait… I mean, Brett Michaels… wait. Good lord. I wish they’d wear name tags or something… it’s like trying to tell the fucking Olsen twins apart.

All joking aside, this new disc from the Arizona 4-piece is cock-full, I mean, chock-full of ass-ripping power chords, blistering solos, nut-thudding base, head-pounding drums and enough euphemisms for male genitalia to make Lance Bass lick his lips. Check out some of these song titles: “Ride On Me,” “Rock Hard,” “Every Inch Of My Love” and “Fucked Up!” Oh yeah, and there’s a cover of the Paul Anka song, “She’s A Lady.” My particular favorites, though, are the riff-laden songs “Real Man” and “Scottsdale Girls,” the later of which I am dedicating, right here and now, to Christopher Stipp from Quick Stop’s very own “Trailer Park” because of the line “make a mess in your blonde curls, my Scottsdale Girls.” See, I’m thinking that’s how Stipp rolls. “Naw, baby, you don’t have to worry. I’ll tell you when I’m about to… AHHH… OHHHH… damn, baby… I’m sorry. Sit right there. I’ll go get you a wet nap.” Oh yeah, and he’s from Scottsdale.

Stipp’s ride, “the PenetrateHer.”

Is this the most original music that you’ll ever hear? Hell no. But who fucking cares? Seriously. That’s not the point of having Big Cock. The point of having Big Cock is to pump some fun back into the tight-assed, “American Idol-loving” music scene, to slap on the foreheads of the punk and “screamo” crowds and to give the world back it’s arena rock. And that, my friends, is EXACTLY what this Big Cock does. Fuck yeah!! Can I hear an “Amen?” Damn straight.

Sure, it wouldn’t have killed these guys to change the tempo from song to song and the lyrics are not going to win any literary awards, but hey… screw it! I give nothing but kudos to these guys for gearing this baby for maximum, sustained head-bangage. I’ll say it again, this CD is pure, “Devil Horn” pumping fun, plain and simple, so go ahead… take this Big Cock for a spin and see how it fits. I’m confident that you’ll think it’s one hell of a ride.

(No Shit, fun stuff!).

Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There hasn’t been a damn thing worth a shit to come out this year. Granted, the year is only in its third week, but in the time that I’ve been doing these here reviews, I’ve NEVER had this much trouble finding something to review. So instead of picking up something completely random, I decided to go with an album that came out towards the end of last year. That album is Nas’ Hip Hop is Dead. I’d heard that the album was pretty good, but I avoided it at first because I’m just not into Nas. After listening to this album, I can honestly tell you… I’m STILL not into Nas.

Don’t get me wrong, this album isn’t bad, it’s just not my cup of tea. Or cup of crunk juice if you will, cus you know, rappers these days are all about the crunk juice. Anyways, Hip Hop is Dead just seems to be going through the motions. None of the songs are bad, but none of them are really great. There were a few times when I found myself getting into a song, but for the most part, all the songs are just kind of plain. Songs like “Where Are they Now?” and “Who Killed It?” offer up some good rhymes and are probably the best tracks on the album.

If you’re like me, you want an album that you can really get into. Like Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs or, I guess, Jay in Clerks II. You know what I mean? Unfortunately this album doesn’t make me want to wear it like a hat. I can see why a lot of mainstream outlets called this the best rap album of last year. It’s safe and non-threatening and, in my opinion, not all that great. If you haven’t picked this up yet… don’t go out of your way. Save your money for some future releases that (hopefully) will be coming out in the next few week.

Reverb… with J.D.

One of the great things about living in Denver is the volume of high-quality of live music that comes through town. As the only ‘major’ city between the West Coast and the Midwest, pretty much every band on tour makes a stop here… as such, you can catch a solid show seemingly every week.

The past couple of weekends I hit two excellent concerts: My Morning Jacket (1/12) and G. Love (1/19). Actually, though, it’s not really appropriate to group those two together in the ‘excellence’ category. MMJ was indeed stellar: they are a tight band clearly living up to the hype, filling their live show with aural explorations that consistently swell to mesmerizing, kick-ass guitar crescendos. G. Love, on the other hand, was pretty sloppy. The sound at the Fillmore sucked that night and it definitely appeared that G. and his crew had been hitting the “Special Sauce”. But like every other G. Love show I’ve been to, it was still a blast. Good music, good times, and for the most part, good peeps.

My only complaint about the show actually came from the crowd. During the acoustic part of G’s encore (two songs) some stupid chick standing directly behind me randomly let out howling, eardrum-piercing screams. Now I can appreciate that G. Love, via soulful lyrics and his whitey-hop boogie stylings, consistently hits the “G.” spot of the ladies in his audience… but not to the point where can I appreciate losing a couple of years hearing off the back end of my life.

My first inclination was to turn around, walk up to her, and scream right the f*ck back in her ear… kinda like the narrator in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado”, of course without the satisfaction horror of silencing her for good. But instead I got to thinking of the most annoying crowd behavior I’ve encountered in my years as a serial concert-goer, and came up with a little rulebook for attending live shows:

The Concertgoers Manifesto

Rule #1: Shut The Fuck Up

–Chances are, I paid good money (plus Ticketmaster gouges) to see this show. So did everyone else around you. And that’s the deal, boys and girls. We paid to listen to the music, not to you. So shut your damn piehole already. If you have a story to tell, save it til’ set-break, take it to the concourses, do whatever you have to do…just shut the f*ck up. (Two Notes– First, there are obvious exceptions: brief/discreet/reasonably quiet chats with your friends…and/or making time with the person next to you. This rule is more intended for the non-stop jabberers who talk during the entire show (and whose population is distressingly large). Second, the importance of this rule increases proportionally to the intimacy of the show you are attending. Large, loud rock show: not as important (since we probably can’t hear you). Cozy, acoustic-type show: Mandatory).

Rule #2: Loosen Up, Meat

–You know this guy, right? He’s standing right in front of you at a G.A. show, likely muscle-bound, and he ain’t moving one inch of his being… except to pound your a** if you keep touching him. Hey Jockstrap, nothing personal… it’s just a little crowded, and oh by the way there’s some music being played that is making every other person in this crowd, you know, dance a little. But sorry for brushing up against you… maybe next concert you’ll get lucky and everyone around you will also hate life and not want to have fun.

Rule #3: Head Up (or Down) With Your Outbursts

–See G. Love explanation. Many of us, myself included, are given to cheering/whistling/hollering when we are excited/having fun/drunk at shows. But do your neighbor a favor and point your head up (or down) when cutting loose with your chosen outbursts. Because doing so directly in your neighbors ear? Es muy mal.

Rule #4: If You Spill Someone’s Drink, You Owe Them a New One

–Self-explanatory. Kindly ask what you spilled, and kindly hurry up and get them a new one.

Rule #5: Leave the Accessories at Home

–This rule applies mostly to crunchy, uber jam-type shows where sometimes fans like to accessorize and become a part of the show. Two prime examples are bringing in shakers to “jam along with the band” and hula hoops. Shakers are just inexcusable. Remember, everyone paid to listen to the band, NOT you and your little sand-filled egg. And if you are over 18 and hula-hooping at a show, I have this little pearl of wisdom for you:

Q: What’s the toughest thing about hula-hooping?
A: Telling your dad you’re gay.

So there you have it, folks. Five simple, easy-to-follow rules that will make EVERYONE’S concert-going experience a lot more fun. Learn it, live it, share it with your friends!

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Well, as the tens of you probably heard on the J. Allen/Double A “fill-in podcast” last week, I was on a cruise. No… that’s not “code” for “rehab.” Seriously… it was a cruise. And, contrary to their claims, this was NOT a “big, gay boat ride”… however, someone forgot to tell these guys… seriously… they were on the cruise…

In all actuality, it was the “Ships & Dip” excursion featuring the Barenaked Ladies and Guster. Now, I realize that for some of you, my “puss factor” just shot through the roof, but hey, whatever… I’m comfortable in my own skin, dammit… just like the two “seamen” up above there… and there was no way in hell that I was going to miss an opportunity to hang out with two of my “most favortist” bands in the world while cruising the Bahamas. You fucking high? Nope, wouldn’t have missed it for the world and I gotta tell you… I’m glad I didn’t because it was an absolutely REMARKABLE experience. Sure, my requests for interviews where shit on like a prostitute at a Duke Lacross party (yes, I know they were innocent… relax), but all of the other experiences I had on the boat more than made up for that.

First and foremost, we (me and the little lady) were lucky enough to have met some really cool people including one couple that said they were “swingers.” I told them that I didn’t realize that the ship HAD a playground on it, but that maybe we could meet there later. Never found that damn playground, though. Oh, we also met a TON, literally, of people who were under the mistaken impression this little boat ride was, in fact, a Jenny Craig “Cruise to Lose” jaunt. I shit you not… as we were boarding, or rather, herding onto the boat, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see Kirstie Alley listed as one of the “entertainers”… or Richard Simmons. In a weird way, I was comforted by the fact that if the boat sank, there were PLENTY of fat people I could use as a floatation device.

Man rubbing lotion on BNL fan: Turks and Caicos, 1/17/07

We also discovered something called “alcohol.” You guys ever hear of this stuff? Wowie wow… good shit! The waiters would bring it right to you. You didn’t even have to move which, as I noted above, was a VERY good thing for some people and a good thing for me as it kept the boat from rocking. Oh, and let’s not forget the AMAZING shows. In fact, the shows I saw with the big boys, especially Guster, rank with some of the best live shows that I have ever seen. No kidding. But the real unexpected treat here, the thing that just pushed this cruise over the top for me, was seeing all of the incredible collaborations between the various artists and getting clued in to some lesser known acts. In fact, I was SOOOOO impressed by some of these bands and how hard they worked on this cruise that I thought I would help them out a bit by telling you a bit about them. Believe me, after all that they gave to me… it’s the least I could do.

Now Joe Pisapia doesn’t need me to pimp anything for him because he is doing JUST FINE as one of the members of Guster. He’s the “New Guy,” if you will. But before Joe joined the band, he made an outstanding solo disc that I think you guys should check out called Daydreams.

I respect the hell out of Joe Pisapia because he is an artist driven more by the act of making music and being appreciated for it than he is by fame and fortune and that attitude shines the brightest on Daydreams. Borrowing equal parts from Dylan and Davies, Daydreams is an entertaining collection of multi-layered songs that reveal more and more each time you listen. The instrumentation and arrangements are sublime and the lyrics are both touching and poignant, especially on tracks like “River Song” and “Dancing Partner.” I was fortunate to catch Joe’s “solo” performance (on stage with him were members from Oakhurst, who we’ll get to in a minute, BNL and, of course, Guster) on the ship, during which he played most of Daydreams. I can honestly say THAT performance was EASILY my favorite moment of the cruise and his heartfelt rendition of “Dancing Partner” literally brought the little lady to tears. It was THAT moving. You know, I kid around A LOT on this site, but I’m not kidding when I say that there are times when you are watching a show, and I’m sure many of you have experienced this, when the chemistry on stage is so mesmerizing, you get swept away. This was one of those moments. Simply amazing. I highly recommend Daydreams. It’s folksy and mellow, but it is an outstanding album and well worth your time.

Another band that impressed the hell out of me was a band from right here in Denver, Oakhurst. Oakhurst easily gets the award for “Hardest Working Band” on the cruise as these guys where, literally, EVERYWHERE. Whether they were picking their way through a set of their highly entertaining, bluegrass infused folk-pop or lending support to the other bands and their various side projects, members of this band worked constantly. In fact, I heard that these guys (A.P. Hill on vocals/guitar, Johnny Qualley on bass, Adam Smith on guitar, Chris Budin on drums and Zach Daniels on banjo) paid their own way onto the boat just to get a little exposure and at the beginning of the cruise had NO set gigs. Obviously, they didn’t just impress me because they were a part of virtually every show, so take that for what it’s worth. Again, Oakhurst’s music is a bit on the mellow side, but this is a great group of guys and they are all exceptionally talented musicians so stop by and show them a little love at www.myspace.com/oakhurst.

And last, but definitely not least, is Jason Plumb. You see Jason is a bit of a contradiction in that he looks like a trucker… the kind with a dead hooker in the back of the refrigeration unit… but has this voice that is just remarkable, especially when you consider the source. When I first saw him hit the stage, I was honestly waiting for him to let loose with a mighty “Breaker, breaker… c’mon back now!! This is Hooker Hauler… what’s your 20??” Of course, some of you may know Jason as the ex-lead singer of the Canadian band, The Waltons. You may also know him from his numerous producing credits or from some of his soundtrack credits. I didn’t know any of this. All I knew his last album, 2003’s Under and Over, was produced by Ed Robertson, of BNL fame, and is a very understated and passionate affair. The songs on the disc are disarming in their honesty and immediately accessible. Great stuff, all around. Additionally, I gotta say that Jason was one of the coolest people that I met on the ship. Check him out at www.myspace.com/jasonplumbandthewilling.

UPCOMING RELEASES. . .

ARTIST	TITLE	GENRE
Allen, Lily	Still Alright	POP
Beats International	Let Them Eat Bingo	POP
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah	Some Loud Thunder	ROCK
Clarke, Gilby	Gilby Clarke	ROCK
Connick, Jr.,Harry	Oh, My Nola	POP
Dead Voices On Air	From Labrador To Madagascar	ROCK
Deftones	Saturday Night Wrist	ROCK
Diabolical Masquerade	Nightwork	POP
Disincarnate	Dreams of the Carrion Kid	POP
Dodsferd	Fucking Your Creation (2 CD)	ROCK
Downlord	Random Dictionary of the Damned	POP
Early Years, The	The Early Years	ROCK
Edenbridge	Grand Design, The	ROCK
End of Destiny	Thoughtless Existence, The	POP
Everscathed, The	Razors of Unrest	POP
Gandalf	Gandalf II	ROCK
Grave Digger	Liberty Or Death	ROCK
Greylevel	Opus One	ROCK
Hart, Roddy	Bookmarks	ROCK
Horna	Aania Yossa	ROCK
Howe, Catherine	What A Beautiful Place	ROCK
Jones, Norah	Not Too Late	POP
Khallice	Journey, The	ROCK
Khymera	New Promise, A	ROCK
Kirchen, Bill	Hammer Of The Honky-Tonk Gods	ROCK
Koz, Dave	At The Movies	POP
Lane, Lana	Gemini	ROCK
Look Down	24/7 Dance Force	POP
Loureiro, Kiko	No Gravity	ROCK
Love Me Destroyer	The Things Around Us Burn	POP
McPhee, Katharine	Katharine McPhee	POP
Mercury Rev	Back To Mine	POP
Necrodemon	Ice Fields of Hyperion	POP
Nelly	The Prelude	RAP
Neurosonic	Drama Queen	ROCK
Nikki Puppet	Puppet On A String	ROCK
Norlander, Erik	Hommage Symphonique	ROCK
One for the Team	Good Boys Don’t Make Noise	POP
Pain Of Salvation	Scarsick	ROCK
Plagiarists, The	Veto!	POP
Rounders, The	Wish I Had You	ROCK
Rudd, Xavier	Food In The Belly	ROCK
Ruth’s Hat	Nostalgic for Right Now	POP
Sean Price	Jesus Price Supastar	RAP
Sidley,Annie	Diamond in the sand	POP
Skinny Puppy	Mythmaker	ROCK
Smitty	Voice of the Ghetto	RAP
Static Thought	In The Trenches	ROCK
Sylvian, David / Nine Horses	Money For All	ROCK
T.I. & P$C	In Da Streets	RAP
Ta’Raach & The Lovelution	The Fevers	RAP
Taylor, Lewis	Lost Album, The	Pop
The Roadside Graves	What Happened To Him Could Happen To Anyone	POP
The Sneakers	Nonsequitur Of Silence	POP
Theatre of Hate	Ten Years After	POP
Trail Of Tears	Existentia	ROCK
Traveling Wilbury’s	Strumming Wilbury’s	POP
Tristania	Illumination	ROCK
Trucks, The	Trucks, The	ROCK
Turner’s, Nik Sphynx	Xitintoday	ROCK
Valient Thorr	Legend of the World	ROCK
Warm In The Wake	Gold Dust Trail	ROCK
Webster, Chris	Something In The Water	ROCK
X-Clan	Return From Mecca	RAP
Yorkston, James	The Year of the Leopard	ROCK
Young Dro	Young and the Restless	RAP
Young Love	Too Young To Fight It	POP
Young Stally	Young & Flashy	RAP
Youth Group	Casino Twilight Dogs	ROCK
Yung Ro	Go Hard Texas	RAP

Well… there you have it folks. Thanks for hanging in there and, until next time, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!!

Send sexual inuendos, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:
M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

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