Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• As if a public quarrel with heavyweight Rosie O’Donnell wasn’t enough, Donald Trump is now facing a lawsuit by a former Apprentice applicant.  Richard Hewitt, 49, is suing Trump claiming that the show discriminates against older contestants.  When asked for comment, Trump claimed that only the most qualified contestants are chosen to appear on the show… as long as they are not “fat, anti-Asian lesbians.”

• The King of All Media has added a substantial amount to the royal coffers.  Reports indicate that Sirius paid top-jock Howard Stern $83 Million in cold, hard stock options after he single-handedly raised the number of subscribers from approximately 600,000 to just over 6 million in just under 3 years.  When asked what he planned on doing with the money, an unnamed Stern staffer replied that Howard didn’t want to be outdone by Oprah’s “audience gift-giving” and was going to “buy a Sybian masturbation machine for all the women in his audience and a lap dance at Scores for all the men.  Baba Booey.”

• In celebrity wedding news, actor Alan Cumming has married his long time boyfriend, Grant Shaffer, in a civil ceremony in England.  Cumming, perhaps best known to Americans as Nightcrawler from film X2: X-Men United, has stated publicly that the honeymoon will be romantic and “include a whole hell of a lot of ‘BAMF-ing.'”

• In a sad bit of news, famed Scooby-Doo cartoonist and director of the 1973 classic Charlotte’s Web, Iwao Takamoto, passed away Monday night at the age of 81.  When asked for comment on the passing, a mournful Scooby Doo replied “Rat is rearry, rearry rucking rad.”

• Actress Suzanne Sommers’s mansion was one of four devoured by a wild-fire that swept through Mel Gibson’s kingdom of Malibu late Monday night.  Authorities are unclear of the cause of the blaze, but the investigation is focusing on the “massive friction” generated by one of Sommers’s fat neighbors using a Thigh Master.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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