AND NOW, a final look back at the moments, sights, sounds, and events that touched us in places we don’t like to talk about.

BEST MOVIE: That one with Toby Keith. Where he plays a country singer? And sings country music? That one. Definitely.

BEST ALBUM: That one by Toby Keith. Where he plays a country singer? And sings “country” music? That one. Definitely.

BEST TV COMMERCIAL: The self-referential ad. Beginning with Head-On and the NFL Ads about coming up with MORE NFL ads, this was the year advertising executives decided to one-up themselves by spending 30 seconds of our valuable time talking about their LAST commercial. Really makes you want to run out and buy some commercial space, doesn’t it?

BEST OF THE INTERNET: lonelygirl 15. Thanks to the kinetic advancement of technology, we can watch a scripted blog about a teenage girl sitting in her room talking about her boyfriend and stuffed animals. The Citizen Kane of minutiae. I sifted through these blogs today, looking for the episode where she stabs her mother in the heart with a spork. No such luck. Just a girl pretending to be a girl with not a whole lot to say. Way to champion this one, nerds.

BEST FRUIT DRINK: Powerade. Because it has no fruit in it. And because of the blue bottle with the oblong nipple that makes you look around to see if anyone’s watching.

BEST DRINK AT WORK: Cider with rum. Lots of it.

BEST SCIENTIFIC QUANDARY: How does SO much honey drip down the side of the squeezable bear? I close that thing real good.

BEST REASON TO CARE ABOUT CELEBRITIES: Because they’re just like us. Only richer. And more selfish. Oh, and they get free stuff all the time. For being like us. Only richer.

BEST MUSIC IF YOU LIKE CRAP: Paris Hilton’s “Paris”.

BEST VIDEO GAME: I’d say Gears of War, but it doesn’t involve college football.

BEST PUSSY: See photo

BEST RACIST: Michael Richards. Take that, Mel.

BEST ATTEMPT TO SEEM LESS RACIST: “See, when I said ’50 years ago you would have been hung upside down with a fork up your ass’, I meant to say ’80 years’ instead of fifty, and ‘crucifix’ instead of fork.”

BEST REASON FOR A FACELIFT: “For myself”

BEST CURRENT U.S. PRESIDENT: Gerald Ford?

BEST DECISION BY THE PRESIDENT: Admitting he was wrong for appointing Taylor Hicks “Chancellor of Gettin’ Down”

BEST REASON TO STAY HOME: Terrorism! Oh, I meant television. About terrorism.

BEST WAY TO REFUEL FREEMASON CONSPIRACIES: Hire Tom Cruise as spokesman.

BEST REASON TO LIVE ON YOUR FRIENDS COUCH: No bills in their mail for you, and every once in a while you get to pretend you’re asleep while his girlfriend walks around in a robe. Unemployment never felt so full-time.

BEST PICK-UP LINE: “I’d like to date you, go on a nationally syndicated show to talk about you, jump on a couch when describing you, marry you, impregnate you, and have a mutant baby with you in an effort to shroud my desire to have sex with guys. Cool?”

BEST FORGIVEN DRUG ADDICT: Robert Downey Jr. The perennial fave.

BEST HOAX ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: The phone that plays all your music. Back to the drawing board, fellas.

BEST CONVERSATION: When your friend is telling you a story while on her Blackberry. “And then, you are not going to believe this, Greg…(typing)…um, he said to me…(typing)… he was like…(typing)…so totally…(typing)…oh, I have to take this. Hold on. (into Blackberry) Hello? Oh my gosh, you are not going to believe what Greg said to me…”

BEST SPORTS STAR/ROLE MODEL: Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith

BEST REASON TO LOSE FAITH IN HUMANITY: Terrell Owens

BEST REASON TO HAVE FAITH RESTORED: Walmart announces plans to incarcerate its Chinese textile workers for taking home too much lint on clothing.

BEST LOOKING SIX-FOOT DOG: Toby Keith in that one movie.

UGLIEST BABY: Terrell Owens

BEST REASON TO BELIEVE 2007 IS GOING TO BE BETTER: Sequel to Stallone’s classic Rhinestone finally in the works!

-Sam Jaeger

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