Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• After a few, tumultuous years, Britney Spears is vowing to come back “bigger and better than ever” in 2007.  Of course, considering that the “B” has done such an outstanding job of completely obliterating her career, one can safely assume that this could mean only one thing… boob job.

• Musician Dave Matthews is set to guest star on the Fox drama House.  In the episode, Mathews will present the cranky and cantankerous House with his “toughest case yet” as the doctor attempts to cure the jam-band leader of “excessive and irrelevant guitar noodling” and “spastic dancing.” As is customary with the show, nothing will work to cure Matthews until the last 10 minutes of the episode.

• Among this year’s inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is Van Halen with both David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar as front men. It’s been leaked that during the induction ceremony, Eddie Van Halen will re-hire and re-fire both singers, plus a slew of others, before passing out from guzzling his complimentary, backstage bottle of Scotch.

• QSE News has learned that despite all of the things they had going for them, shock rocker Marilyn Manson and stripper Dita Von Teese could not make their marriage work.  When asked for comment on the pending divorce, Von Teese responded that “it’s hard being married to a man that uses all of your make-up, wears all of your clothes and steals all of your tampons.  Oh yeah, and besides all that… he’s really [EXPLETIVE DELETED] creepy.”

• And finally today, James Cameron’s sci-fi epic, Avatar, is finally ready to start production. This marks Cameron’s first jump into directing since the modest success of a little movie called Titanic. This is good news for fans of the director but men all over the world are still waiting to see if the film will feature a nude Kate Winslet.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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