Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• As part of her plan to assume total control of the planet, Oprah Winfrey will be producing two new reality-based shows. Although we don’t know for sure, we assume the first show to air (probably on the Oxygen channel… or TNT) will feature Oprah whipping her “minions” into an undefeatable, all-woman army designed to emasculate men and topple governments while the second will be some touchy-feely crap with Dr. Phil.

• Avril Lavigne, is set to release a new album, The Best Damn Thing, in the Spring of 2007. Representatives at Lavigne’s record label, RCA, are still hoping for large sales figures despite the fact that Lavigne’s fan base has been decimated thanks to NBC’s To Catch a Predator.

• In reality TV news, Yul Kwon won this year’s Survivor: Cook Islands taking home the million dollar prize.  Kwon beat out several others in a controversial season of the show.  While Kwon is very happy about winning the prize, Rosie O’Donnell is said to be very upset.

• The Motion Picture Academy recently announced which films will be considered for Oscar nominations in the visual effects category.  Among the films vying for a nomination are X-Men:  The Last Stand, Superman Returns and Eragon.  Many industry insiders were shocked that the creators of Failure to Launch were not nominated for making Sarah Jessica Parker look human.

• And finally today, a judge has dismissed charges against actress Natasha Lyonne who was arrested for threatening to “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] her neighbor’s dog.”  The troubled American Pie star could not be reached for comment, but the neighbor’s dog was quoted as saying, “She wanted me to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] her?  I think I could’ve been down for that.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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