I was recently watching Arrested Development re-runs that my TiVo (All hail at the feet of this technological wonder….Aaaaa-uuuummmm…) picks up on a daily basis and came across an episode that simply bursts with inside-joke goodness, Good Grief!, and was reminded of how this show could be amusing, tragic and razor smart. One of the other things that I picked up on was the nice, mellow sounds of the “Christmas Time is Here” jingle that plays in the background of one scene and it got me thinking: “Shit, self, I need to give away some swag…”
I know I hinted at it a few weeks ago but I am here today that the entry gates are now open for a new contest (There are some of you who are Lifers at trying to snag something from this Prize Patrol and I admire your shamelss tenacity to get your mittens on something free. Huzzah, good sirs.) and one that I can’t believe I am offering up. It’s not because of the sheer coolness of the prize but since THE FOUNTAIN is easily in my Top 3 for 2006, it’s damn well in my Top 10 for movies that came out post-2000, I am amazed that I am able to give a couple of you out there the chance to own a hand-signed Darren Aronofsky poster for THE FOUNTAIN.
I can attest honestly that if I was on the other side of this giveaway I would be stewing in my Jockeys in anxious anticipation to get one but I want to pass along the love to one of you out there who have seen the movie and loved it enough to send in an entry.
Now, you’ve to work for this win.
It was damn hard to get these in my possession and I don’t want any of these to go somewhere where they’re not going to be treated with a little love and reverence. I would get too maudlin if I explained why I think that Richard Roeper from the Sun-Times (Thanks for responding so swiftly to my email, Dick.) or A.O. Scott from the New York Times (How witty to be called by a truncated version of your nombre. Do your peeps call you up and say, “Hey, A.O., want to grab a beer with the rest of the crew down at Applebees?” If I was close enough to call you “friend” A.O. would be the last thing on my list to call you and you could be assured I would bust your balls relentlessly of you perpetrating this ruse on others.) are both completely wrong regarding what they thought THE FOUNTAIN was, or was not, in their eyes. They are certainly entitled to their opinion but they’re wrong on this one.
Give me an Etch-A-Sketch, a Texas Instruments TI-81 graphing calculator, 10 minutes on Ebert and Roeper to make my case, a fruit smoothie just to keep me hydrated and I can break this movie down to a compelling enough defense as to why A.O. and Roep just missed the mark with their jaunty rip-fest into this deep movie.
Look, I won’t get into why I love this film as much as I do and why I weep for those reviewers who think that Aronofsky is anything less than genuine and earnest but I feel completely stable in my assertions regarding how important this film is to anyone who wants a second opinion about what death, life and love are all about in a way that accessible. All I know is that I’ve got a couple of posters to give out that Darren graciously signed when he was out here in God’s country, Arizona, and I want to give them to you.
All you need to do is tell me one scene that you enjoyed, just one, and make sure it isn’t anything you could pick up simply by watching the trailer. If in doubt, check here or here and be sure to check your work.
Just tell me a scene and give a little context. If the film meant anything to you, you’ll write something that justifies why you’re angling to slap this on your wall. This contest is open to the world so come one, come all.
A.O. and Roeper can suck it.
BLOOD DIAMOND (2006)
Director: Ed Zwick
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Djimon Hounsou, Jennifer Connelly, Arnold Vosloo, Michael Sheen, Stephen Collins
Release: Now Playing
Synopsis: Set against the backdrop of civil war and chaos in 1990s Sierra Leone, Blood Diamond is the story of Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio), a South African mercenary, and Solomon Vandy (Djimon Hounsou), a Mende fisherman. Both men are African, but their histories as different as any can be, until their fates become joined in a common quest to recover a rare pink diamond that can transform their lives. While in prison for smuggling, Archer learns that Solomon—who was taken from his family and forced to work in the diamond fields—has found and hidden the extraordinary rough stone. With the help of Maddy Bowen (Jennifer Connelly), an American journalist whose idealism is tempered by a deepening connection with Archer, the two men embark on a trek through rebel territory—a journey that could save Solomon’s family and give Archer the second chance he thought he would never have.
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Prognosis: Negative. Ed Zwick doesn’t have to explain anything but did he really want me to believe that Tom Cruise pulled a move straight from Kevin Costner in DANCES WITH WOLVES and dodged the gauntlet of bullets that rained down straight at his person? It was that move that nearly obliterated any disbelief I was suspending for THE LAST SAMURAI.
I’m hoping that we don’t get a repeat performance of this moviemaking crutch and, from this trailer, I see the same kind of hopefulness that hooked me into SAMURAI. It’s gorgeous to look at and I think this trailer really exemplifies the kind of selling to a mass market in a way that, while there’s nothing “edgy†or “borderline†about the advertisement at all, does what it is supposed to do: be accessible.
Now, I get a little pang in the heart as the opening reveals a little JURASSIC PARK goodness as a helicopter weaves itself between a lush green canyon but it’s Djimon (why do I always think of a spicy mustard when I see his name?) who really captures our attention in a moment that just propels the events of the movie forward. His black palm holding a muddy stone and the really “dramatic,†read here: obnoxious, voiceover that tells us that people kill each other for these things.
I laugh just a little on the inside when the first shots of Leo and Jennifer are in slow-motion, their faces perfectly sharpened in that I’m-trying-to-look-scared/strong-here-people, kind of way but it’s ok. Even though, yes, the precious stone trade in developing nations is stained with the very real blood, sweat and tears of, essentially, serfs who are enslaved by their poverty and that this movie won’t make this situation any better but the imagery here is undeniable.
And this is about the time when Leo opens his mouth. It’s accented. I wish I could say that I am trying to concentrate on the story but I just can’t get past it. It’s funny, people. Really, it is. I’m already more partial to Djimon’s plotline of having to liberate his family from the clutches of marauders who know he has the gem which they want. I am at a loss to try and see how Jennifer wants to insinuate herself into this movie as Leo gets that she’s using him for some nefarious reason of her own, Leo using Djimon for the obvious reason of wanting the stone, it’s like RAIN MAN all over again, but there’s a real reason why I am so high on this movie.
Arnold Vosloo.
“I don’t give a damn who’s down there…kill them all.
A real South African by birth and a bad-ass by trade Arnold really deserves more than he’s given and, thankfully, as he’s precariously perched on the open doorway of a fast moving helicopter with some sweet armament attached to it I feel like this is, really, the true sequel to HARD TARGET. I mean, come on, you’ve got the obligatory romance between a dude and a lady, toss in Djimon as the wild card, while savages are hot their heels to kill them and Arnold is really all you need here to seal the deal. Just disregard all the talk at the end of this trailer about a man on the hunt for his child; this movie should be called HARD TARGET II and this trailer hints about Arnold catching up and, hopefully, finally getting the kill that eluded him so many years ago in that Van Damme entry.
One can hope.
Director: Bill Condon
Cast: Beyoncé Knowles, Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy, Danny Glover, Jennifer Hudson, Keith Robinson, Hinton Battle, Sharon Leal, Anika Noni Rose
Release: December 21, 2006
Synopsis: Set in the turbulent late 1960s and early ‘70s, DREAMGIRLS follows the rise of a trio of women: Effie (Hudson), Deena (Beyoncé) and Lorrell (Anika Noni Rose), who have formed a promising girl group called The Dreamettes. At a talent competition, they are discovered by an ambitious manager named Curtis Taylor, Jr. (Foxx), who offers them the opportunity of a lifetime: to become the back-up singers for headliner James “Thunder†Early (Murphy). Curtis gradually takes control of the girls’ look and sound, eventually giving them their own shot in the spotlight as The Dreams. That spotlight, however, begins to narrow in on Deena, finally pushing the less attractive Effie out altogether. Though the Dreams become a cross-over phenomenon, they soon realize that the cost of fame and fortune may be higher than they ever imagined.
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Prognosis: Negative. At first I thought it was a joke.
I asked the questions: Are they serious? Is this really a movie?
When I heard some of the singing that Eddie Murphy is supposed to be doing I was reminded, no joke intended, of his James Brown impersonation back when he used to be funny. I wasn’t quite sure, but I thought I was pretty close in assuming it to be so, if I should have been anticipating a comedy when the hubbub started swirling around this movie. I am sorry that I was wrong about the assumptive power of a hokey Eddie Murphy that appears to be completely serious and I apologize when I say in advance that this trailer does a crap job in debunking the lingering thoughts that this film is a comedy.
The laughs really begin when Beyonce graces us with her screen suckage ability as she treats us to her dizzying capabilities as an actress when she asks the question of how long the girl group to which she belongs, I wonder if her screen mother makes all of her own outfits in this film as well, has been together. I’m a bigger fan of the cowbell that’s clanking in the background, sounding like we’re going to get a rousing version of “Everyone’s Working For The Weekendâ€, but all we get is a line straight of MY COUSIN VINNY when Jamie Foxx says “If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’†to Beyonce’s amazement that she’s being given a big break. I really don’t know if I should be containing my laughs or not but this exactly when Eddie screams, “1, 2, HIT ME!†It’s amusing.
But that’s also the thing that plagues this trailer: Eddie’s singing is the soundtrack of the action that populates its content. I dare any of you not to smile when you see that guy with his pompadour all Jheri curled and that obnoxious smile of his; one really doesn’t know whether this is supposed to be an exaggerated, ironic emblem for men of that era who were the front for bands like this or whether this is supposed to be played straight.
That said, then, I can tell you that between Beyonce’s plasticine smile, looking like it was shaped by some Geppetto-like doll maker, and Eddie’s prancing and preening on the stage I don’t really care about any of these characters. There simply isn’t any reason why I am emotionally drawn in by whatever story is trying to be constructed around these two titular actors.
Oh, and this makes me just have a mental meltdown, I forgot to mention one thing about the thrust of this film’s action that we’re let in on about two-thirds of the way through this trailer: Beyonce, who begins the film as a second-banana, ends up as the girl who becomes the real star and gets all the attention much to the chagrin of her other two friends. What a fucking unbelievable change of events right? Beyonce becomes the star of a three person vocal group and somehow has to learn how to deal with her newfound glory. I mean, seriously, how this plot wasn’t ripped from the Behind the Music story of Destiny’s Child’s rise and fall as a crap pop group is beyond me.
Just skip the rest of this trailer because all we get is a montage of what happens in so many other videos, No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak†come to mind rather fast in this regard, when one person gets more attention than someone else. It’s clichéd, hackneyed and I am sure someone will hail it as this year’s Oscar shoe-in. God help us all.
Director: Stefen Fangmeier
Cast: Jeremy Irons, Robert Carlyle, Djimon Hounsou, Sienna Guillory, Ed Speleers, John Malkovich
Release: December 15, 2006
Synopsis: Based on the Christopher Paolini-penned bestselling fantasy novel about a youth whose discovery of a dragon egg leads him to become a knight and battle an evil king. The medieval-set tale revolves around a farm boy who learns he is the last of a breed of benevolent Dragon Riders, whose magical powers derived from their bond with the beasts.
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Prognosis: I Liked It More When It Was Called LORD OF THE RINGS. Just stop for one second.
If you could, please, keep these things in mind before viewing this trailer: 1) THE LORD OF THR RINGS trilogy proved that movies made in 3’s can be enormously profitable 2) Studios love to steal 3) New Line made a shitload, and, yes, in accounting circles it is common parlance to say the word “shitload†when referring to an investment that breaks triple digit percentages when discussing profitability, of money on a franchise that initially only appealed to geeks and those with pale skin and 4) Every child wants what the other kids have; it’s an inevitability that doesn’t stop with the advent of pubes.
That said, what a rip-off, man.
Yeah, this seems like a wholly different story than THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy but when you see that this flick is being pimped as the first of three, that the photos of this flick show dudes and dames wearing nearly the same leatherwear as their more recognizable doppelgangers you just have to feel that, yes, this movie is going to make some coin.
I mean, really, when we open the sweeping vistas that we look on, nearly the same as the New Zealand location for Peter Jackson’s hard-fought vision, I stop and wonder how many people will psychologically transfer their happy-happy joy-joy goodness onto this flick simply on looks alone. And, as a lot of you know, many will.
We get some nice shots of a dragon that dips and dives, I have my breath taken away as I realize this winged beast could replace my favorite winged dragon of all time from THE NEVERENDING STORY, but I digress. I mean, this one doesn’t seem to have any witty or snappy things to say so I think my boy from 1984 has nothing to worry about.
So, about halfway though this thing I still don’t know what’s going on; we’re shown the replacement for Liv Tyler, we’ve got a stand-in for Saruman, Orlando Bloom is taken care of and we’ve even got the wood and leather strap scaffolding that was indicative of the Fraggle Rock/Orc’s underground operation. Speaking of which, haven’t these people learned how to illuminate a little? I know archetypes demand that bad guys work at night and by fire but can’t any of these people wait until daylight to do their evilness?
And big ups to Jeremy Irons who obviously didn’t learn a thing from DUNGEONS & DRAGONS as he comes correct once more, he obviously was enamored with the concept, to play the kind of role that Jeremy Irons plays so well again and again.
If I was the guy who lobbed this to Fox this would have been the 10 second meeting that would’ve secured financing: Mix 1 part LORD OF THE RINGS with 2 parts franchise potential with a splish of REIGN OF FIRE and a splash of SOUND OF MUSIC location. Mix to taste and accent with Jeremy Irons. Boom. Now where’s the financing?
Director: Tom Tykwer
Cast: Dustin Hoffman, Alan Rickman, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Ben Whishaw
Release: December 27, 2006
Synopsis: Based on the bestselling novel by Patrick Süskind, PERFUME is a terrifying story of murder and obsession set in 18th-century France. Jean-Baptiste Grenouille has a unique talent for discerning the scents and smells that swirl around him, which he uses to create the world’s finest perfumes. Strangely lacking any scent of his own, he becomes obsessed with capturing the irresistible but elusive aroma of young womanhood. As Grenouille’s obsession turns deadly, twelve young girls are found murdered. Panic breaks out as people rush to protect their daughters, while an unrepentant and unrelenting Grenouille still lacks the final ingredient to complete his quest.
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Prognosis: Wonderfully Creepy. We’ve talked about this before.
I am a huge fan of Marcel Proust’s writings. “Du Côté de chez Swann†is, perhaps, one of those rare novels, like Virginia Woolf’s “Mrs. Dallowayâ€, where psychology met prose in a wonderful confection of words and experience. One of the key things, then, that links these two authors together with the movie by bad ass Tom Tykwer, dude who slung RUN LOLA RUN into our collective cool film conscious, is that while the two authors proved that you can make a sensory experience translatable through words Tykwer has to prove that a movie about perfume is translatable to film.
The trailer is promising that he has done it.
I about shat myself when this trailer opens, the twinkling music very sublime in the background, and we see a little baby on its back. It’s lying there, eyes closed, as some dirty index finger slowly makes its way to the child’s nose. And, before you can figure out what’s happening, the kid grabs the finger and pulls it close to its nose.
The voiceover here, as well, is calm, soothing and, dare I say it, gentile as we delicately get led down the path of where we are, what is happening and why we should care about the protagonist. Bam, bam, bam, this trailer hits the high points and I am thankful that as we see Tykwer begins showing us how he’s going to translate the sense of smell through visual rendering it is completely enveloping.
While I am equally pleased to see that the graphic which states this movie is based on a novel weaves its way quickly from recognition to dissolution I am not so sure that showing our main man as a little bit of a freak by his closed eye smelling of the goings-on inside the town square is endearing as it is a little off-putting.
It’s nice to see Dustin Hoffman as a recognizable face in this production, while the production values seem just as impressive, and the tension that’s created when voiceover guy tells us that it was our protagonist’s work to preserve life within a bottle; it’s poetry, I would posit, in a combination of both sight and sounds.
This kid’s work, however, takes a turn for the freakish and demonic as he hunts down a woman who seems to embody a lot of what his nose is driving him to capture and big props to the trailer makers for giving us a glimpse of this boy’s turn towards murder when he snaps the neck of some fraulein. Not only that, kids, but he then sticks her in a tank, wrapped up like a tea bag to steep for a while, to try and leech the scent that drove this boy to kill.
And then, bam, he kills again.
The kid can’t stop and Hans Gruber himself, Alan Rickman, which details the delicacies of what a serious perfume was capable of in that era, treats us to a delicious voiceover. The visuals that accompany the destructive nature of this boy and his prey, a pale redhead that would drove me to kill a few kittens if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. While I know this movie is not for a lot of people it managed to stoke my interest for its visual capabilities and riveting premise.
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