Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a continuing effort to completely dumb down the American populace, Comedy Central has ordered a pilot of an animated series featuring Larry the Cable Guy.  The show, in which Larry will play half owner of a cable TV station, will draw heavily from his stand up comedy act.  With the show, Comedy Central is hoping to lock down the elusive male, 40-year-old, unemployed, racist, alcoholic demographic that advertisers refer to as the “NASCAR fan.”

• Yoko Ono’s driver has been arrested for attempting to blackmail the famous “Beatles breaker.” It appears that the driver, Koral Karsan, threatened to release embarrassing photos of Ono unless he received $2 million. Karsan also threatened to release embarrassing audio tapes of Ono, completely unaware these tapes were released to the public years ago under the titles Plastic Ono Band, Fly and Walking On Thin Ice to name but a few.

• Shortly after filming an episode of Unplugged for MTV, the band Korn announced that drummer David Silveria will be taking a “temporary” hiatus from the band because he apparently needs a “little ‘me’ time.”  After the announcement, fans of the band appeared noticeably shaken, many of them crying “why!” and completely oblivious to the fact that in order to fully understand this situation, one should replace the word “little” with “a lot,” the word “me” with “heroin” and the word “time” with “rehab.”

• In baby news, Lizzie Grubman has given birth to a healthy baby boy.  Both mother and baby are doing well despite the fact that no one knows nor cares who Lizzie Grubman is.

• The fashionistas at PETA have decided to kick a celebutard while she’s down by naming crack-whore-thin Nicole Richie as their worst dressed “celebrity” of 2006.  When asked for comment, Richie, who was wearing ostrich-skin boots, leather pants, a crocodile belt, a blouse made from a koala, a mink coat and jaunty cap with spotted owl feathers stated “I’m jus gonna has one more drinky winky and then I’ma gonna drive my friends here to my place… *HIC*… so we can keep this party kickin’ Whooo!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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