Timely couldn’t be a better word to describe the events of these past couple of weeks.
First of all, 10 Quick Questions. What started out as being this big goof on the wall of silence that was erected around anyone who communicates by the written word has stared to take on a life all on its own. Corri English was nice enough to be, ostensibly, our first victim to see how an interview would work if it would be done in a style much like Entertainment Weekly’s Stupid Questions but with a little more weight. The people and things you’re going to see in the coming weeks will have a lot to with television, movie spokespersons, The Amazing Race, charitable organizations and the fashion industry. I promise, it will all make sense soon. I know it may take me away from trailer reviewing every once in a while but please, people, understand that I love you just as much as I do my fresh stack of comic books that I get every Friday afternoon so fear not. This column will be just as low-profile and non-noteworthy as ever but Stipp just needs to spread his wings a touch, ya dig? Thanks for understanding.
Secondly, I was in Tucson over the weekend. Now, some of you know that I don’t care that much for organized sports, Chicago Cubs excluded as that’s something that exists in my DNA for being 1) born in Illinois and 2) having a predilection for consistently being last in everything.
Now, I was part of a 4-person trek for a 2-hour drive southward to Tucson in order to be witness for the traditional post-Thanksgiving match-up of ASU and UofA. I could go on and on about rivalries but this one’s pretty deep around these parts, I could honestly give a fuck, and it’s all about football and heavy drinking. I was in for the latter, really, but there was something else I was on the hunt for that I heard existed. I don’t get much opportunity to come close to Hollywood history living in this state that seems to be more occupied with building 20 story fencing across our southern border with Mexico than it is with being concerned for those living within it but I heard about a house that exists in Tucson, Arizona that was of great interest to me.
It was the Alpha Beta house.
Yes, the REVENGE OF THE NERDS production used the University of Arizona campus for its exteriors in 1984 and one of the people I was heading down to Tucson with mentioned that he could take me to the house. He swore that the fraternity that currently has possession of the home have decided to treat it like an undergraduate co-ed who has pounded one too many Pabst Blue Ribbons on a Friday night and has mentioned to her Cro-Magnon date that she’s feeling randy.
I didn’t think it could have been all that bad. I mean, if the school is allowing them to be on the campus isn’t there a HOA that establishes how well the property needs to be maintained?
No, there’s not.
On Sunday morning, after reeling from the many beers I chugged with the young’uns of the school’s student body, trying to convince myself that I can still roll with those who weren’t born until 1988, I can’t, I sauntered over to the house that stood to mean so much misery to Louis and Gilbert as they pulled a heavy trunk across the school grounds. After asking my guide twice if he was sure this was the right house, I had little idea of what the house REALLY looked like pre-Fireball in the movie, I stood on the sidewalk in front of the place that has been a watershed for so many of my comedic moments growing up as a young man. It depressed me to see the home was in a sad state of disrepair. The paint was splotchy, the landscape was just a slap-dash of grass that looked like it was on the verge of death, bushes that don’t look like they’ve been trimmed with anything more than a cigarette lighter by various drunken frat boys “for a laugh” and an overall aesthetic that this was a place where all should abandon hope ye who enter there.
I took a picture of it and briefly pondered what this really meant to have such a cultural touchstone like the AB fraternity house just disrespected. It should be more than just a place where male students start their journey of pillaging and conniving with their other guy friends, thinly disguising their homosexuality by participating in acts like paddle spanking and elephant walking. I don’t know if I was just being sensitive, overly sensitive, because REVENGE OF THE NERDS was that first comedy which spoke to me on a level that went beyond naked chicks and Dudley Dawson. Shouldn’t there be more awareness of places that should at least be paid some sort of attention and care if for no other reason than to preserve a moment that has meant a lot to so many?
I would have to say no. There really is no reason why the house should be any better maintained than any other fraternity house. It makes me sad, true, to see it but I can’t complain. I almost take some kind of delight in the recent news last week that the entire production of the new REVENGE OF THE NERDS has been indefinately shelved for the time being.
I know there were some cackles raised in opposition for the newest incarnation of this film but where the hell were you all for Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation or even the God awful, the truly heinous, Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love?
There couldn’t have been a better reason out there for the complete annihilation for this franchise than these two TV movies. What started out as a comedy that really gave us male Gen Xers a movie that we will all be proud of having seen with our dumb little buddies on any given Friday or Saturday night sleepover (Do kids still do these things or have they somehow been outlawed in this age of uncertainty?) and exposed most of us to our first true taste of…exposure of the female variety? I know I can be counted in that vote.
There are just some films that mean more than just the stock they’re on. REVENGE OF THE NERDS has that kind of resonance that hasn’t ever diminished, in my estimation. Seeing the house that essentially just offered the real exterior for a faux college story on some backlot where the players themselves were well beyond the freshman felt invigorating in a way. I enjoyed the fanboy-ness of it all and it sure made me think of sliding that movie in again, delighting in the immutable truth that I have never used the word “bush” and not thought of Curtis Armstrong every damn time.
Sometimes great movies can transcend our own lives in their own way, be it the ones that win awards or the ones that just mean more than any prize given to it.
UNKNOWN (2006)
Director: Simon Brand
Cast: Jim Caviezel, Greg Kinnear, Joe Pantoliano, Barry Pepper, Jeremy Sistoe
Release: Now Playing
Synopsis: Five men wake up in a locked-down warehouse, none of them able to remember how they got there or even who they are. They soon realize that they were all part of a kidnapping – without having the slightest idea of which side they were on.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative; Maybe I’ll Leave It On If It Happens To Make It On TNT Some Night. Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Jesus wakes up in a warehouse without knowing who he is.
I think I included this trailer if for no other reason than the premise seems completely absurd. I honestly had visions, not unlike having a peyote clambake inside a walk-in closet, of some guy, two guys because it would be funnier that way, explaining the idea for this movie to some guy in a $5,000 suit who is thinking about either having an endive salad with his sea bass or a romaine leaf that’s covered in mango pieces. These two monkeys would have their shirt sleeves pulled back over their elbows as they spooge their brilliant concept of this completely made-up premise only to have the suit break out his checkbook by the end of it all.
I mean, really, would you buy a film based on the idea that any high school freshman could come up with for his creative writing class? I believe most of you would but that’s beside the point.
What’s really remarkable here is that there isn’t anything to remark on when we open up on things. We have a wide shot of a building that seems to be in the middle of such a wretched industrial park that only rape and felonies seem like the only legitimate business practice.
Next, somewhere far off, a phone rings. We travel down the corridors of this lonely building, the hum of fluorescent lighting the only real spooky thing about this place, as Jesus wakes up from his nap time.
Hey-Soose doesn’t know who he is, where he is, what is going on or who he’s talking to on the phone but the dude on the other line gives us the great SAW-esque set-up that our Lord and Savior should a) not kill anyone b) look after the hostages c) sit tight and d) realize that since this movie is only a couple hours long he’s going to have to MacGyver his ass out of there tout de suite. But, oh noes!, he doesn’t know anything about anything so what’s the Son of God to do?
Turn to Barry Pepper, that’s what.
“And that makes some of us hostages and some of us kidnappers…â€
HomeSchool Barry breaks it all down for us like we’re drooling Neanderthals who need to have things explained to other people in the film while not addressing the audience directly; I mean, really, all that’s missing here is a wink to all of us in attendance that he did us a solid by explaining the plot. Thanks, Barry.
Of course from here it’s all about the red herrings and the finger-pointing. I realize that some people dig trying to figure out what’s happening because they took Murder, She Wrote off the air some years ago and you’re jonsin’ for some good old-fashioned mystery but I guess as a one-off you could do a lot worse than this.
Besides, the last ¼ of this trailer is just chock filled with accusatory “It’s you!†and “You’re the one!†When things devolve into being something that we’ve all seen before, without anything new to say within the parameters of the trailer, I just can’t help but shrug and move on to something fresh.
Director: Various
Cast: Various
Release: November 17, 2006
Synopsis: A revolutionary, nationwide theatrical release of eight films that are deemed too controversial, too graphic by the mainstream studios. HORROR FEST is an all-weekend horror event featuring celebrity appearances, signings, giveaways, and other special events.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Positive. Who was lucky enough to catch any of these films last weekend and was it worth the effort to see any of them?
Now:
A) Those with epilepsy should not see this trailer; you’ve got enough flashing and blinking lights that could induce a few seizures that could rival Super Mario Bros.’ numbers.
B) This trailer not only forgoes trying to sell this movie on its merit of filmmaking but, yet, pushes the “controversial†angle on us like it’s a badge of honor.
C) This looks like one of the greatest entries into the horror genre since ON GOLDEN POND. Seriously, can anyone here they aren’t still haunted by Henry Fonda’s request to “suck face†with Katharine Hepburn? (Shudder)
I honestly do have to give it up for this trailer for its complete packaging. I think that if I were the one responsible for this movie trailer I wouldn’t want to give short shrift to the varied voices contained in this flick, regardless of the label of “too controversial to be shown in theaters,†but I get that maybe a coalescing of voices in order to do the greatest good is what is in order.
Don LaFontaine just comes right out of the gate with his throaty voiceover as he really plays up the idea that these movies on their own were just too much to be played nationwide at the local AMC but it’s the visuals that are of interesting note. You’ve first got a scared looking girl with a shaking flashlight, a close-up of a face that has a single bead of sweat running down it and then, even after you see a grotesque doll morph into something more hideous, we get a lady in her bra. And this what brings up an excellent topic in modern horror storytelling: the people behind a lot of genre fiction love tormenting women. There is some paper, some thesis, that I know could be made regarding the use of women and their effectiveness in amping up an already tense situation but we’re not left to linger very long on this notion.
It’s the zombie sitting in the bed with the long salt and pepper hair on bloodied sheets that gets me. It’s fantastic. As is the image of a person, or something, that’s on a medical examiners’ steely slab underneath a very dirty sheet; you’ve really got to employ some pausing and rewinding to see it but it’s well worth the effort just try and make out whether it’s human in origin.
How else to explain the Nosferatu looking creature that places its hand on his female victims’ breast than to say that even though there is no context given there really isn’t any needed as the females keep doing a man’s job better by screaming, shaking and, at one point, reaching out for help.
The minimalist scoring of this trailer only segments its appeal to those who would best be served by this movie’s offerings. Discordant images in the middle of this trailer only help to establish the wretched settings, and reveals, that these movies are going to have. I am especially taken by the image that’s nearly dead center in this trailer’s length of a woman (surprise) who wields an ax above her head, her face all sorts of fucked up, in a flickering room.
Even though I find myself pausing for a moment after seeing a lady (what is it with this device) having a coffin door slamming on top of her in fresh grave as she cries out I can’t help but quickly looking about when I can see this movie for myself.
I don’t know where movies like THE TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE or CREEPSHOW went in the 80’s but I am delighted, over the moon, that horror still beats alive and well. This movie looks like it wants to be the kind of film that’s best enjoyed at night, a kind of function that’s been lost for a while. Disregard all that crap at the end of this trailer about this studio being the only one to have the balls to show these movies. This just looks like a good time, regardless of the hype behind it.
Director: Joe Carnahan
Cast: Ben Affleck, Andy Garcia, Ryan Reynolds, Alicia Keys, David Proval, Chris Pine, Kevin Durand
Release: January 26, 2007
Synopsis: An incendiary array of stars—including Ben Affleck, Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds, Peter Berg, Martin Henderson, Taraji Henson and, in their motion-picture debuts, Alicia Keys and Common—star in SMOKIN’ ACES, the new dark action comedy from Joe Carnahan, the acclaimed director of NARC. In these interlocking tales of high stakes and low lifes, Mob boss Primo Sparazza has taken out a hefty contract on Buddy “Aces†Israel (Piven)—a sleazy magician who has agreed to turn state’s evidence against the Vegas mob. The FBI, sensing a chance to use this small-time con to bring down big-target Sparazza, places Aces into protective custody-under the supervision of two agents (Reynolds and Liotta) dispatched to Aces’ Lake Tahoe hideout.
When word of the price on Aces’ head spreads into the community of ex-cons and cons-to-be, it entices bounty hunters, thugs-for-hire, smokin’ hot vixens and double-crossing mobsters to join in the hunt. With all eyes on Tahoe, this togues’ gallery collides in a comic race to hit the jackpot and rub out Aces.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: On My Top 10 For 2006. I have a new girlfriend and this trailer is it.
It’s hard to be passionate about big, bloated budgets and star-studded productions but I’ll be goddamned if this preview isn’t the hottest thing to surface in recent months.
Now, to me, I enjoy answering other people’s questions about what music is playing a trailer; I remember growing up that one of the more frustrating parts of evolving as a young man, besides the sudden appearance of body hair below my natural equator, was to hear a tune on the radio and not know who sang it. The real mark, then, of laying down the competition with real force with regard to making people ignore the white noise emanating from other trailers is realizing that Cut N’ Pasting late 80’s hits isn’t acceptable and that ripping your ears off with a pimp track from DJ Shadow is just good business when trying to get your audience’s buy-in. I’d recommend you tune-in and turn it up.
At first, though, you don’t really what to make of the story. There’s no voiceover, there’s no flashes of the high-powered actors who are in the movie to get your attention and there are no conventional set-ups to be found; there is only the presentation of a moment to set things in motion. And it works well.
We get Jason Bateman, Peter Berg, Martin Henderson and Ben Affleck in a room; no, this isn’t the beginning of some ribald joke involving K-Y and a monkey but expediency is the order of business and everyone uses their time well in establishing all we need to know about this film.
Bateman looks disheveled and while I don’t really find myself getting lost in whatever character he’s trying to inhabit I find his delivery delightful. We get the set-up and the reason why we are going to pay to see this flick: Jeremy “Poke My Person With An Emmy†Piven is going to testify against the mob and a whole lotta people want him dead. The idea, let’s face it, isn’t so original but Joe Carnahan’s style here rises above those who have come before, stealing a little bit of something from the Guy Ritchie playbook and the McG School of Flash Over Substance, straps you down on the examination table and goes to town on your synapses with the quick cutting.
We get additional information that there’s a $1 million price tag on Piven’s head and, of course, naturally, there are all sorts of seedy elements out to get their fingers on the prize money. What’s also making this movie even more popcorn-y and is going to get me to the multiplex is that we get a slew of “characters†who are so over-the-top and outrageously out of the norm that I can feel the pulsing of wanton violence bumping like bass lines right underneath the veneer of things.
Seeing Ben Affleck put out onto the pavement in an all too brief moment, his aggressor rocking a dirty wife-beater and couldn’t be more obnoxious looking even if put into Brett Ratner’s hands, I am reminded that while this may have given away too much there is the very palptable sense that everyone could be expendable; that would be a very nice thing, indeed, to realize and again would validate my suspicion that Carnahan has created something original out of the simple kill-the-informant plot line.
It’s about a third of the way in when the real style of the trailer’s creativity comes into bloom and bleeds all over the screen. Ryan Reynolds, sporting the same scruffy/patchy facial hair that made his part in BLADE 3 oh so memorable, carries the tension of the moment when you can feel that we’re about to launch into hyperspace.
Ah, but not yet.
A jaunty Muzak song plays as we’re treated to a real close up of a guy, who the hell knows who he is, quietly taking a black marker to his face, creating a Hitler ‘stache which I am thinking is not an ironic statement. It’s very out of the norm but it’s all sorts of great.
BOOM.
Thrust back into the action, and I mean action with a capital A, the whole world is shredded around your eyes. More freaks than a circus, more guns than at an army supply depot and enough shattered glass to make DIE HARD look like a prissy warm-up, there is one moment I hope you turn your speakers up to listen to.
As soon as you hear Ben Affleck say “These guys will go megaton†just feel the bass and listen to the way the sound dances around the field as bullets on the screen whiz in every which direction just before some wiggidy-wack white boy with a vision problem and in need of serious dental work pops in with his own bon mot. It’s gonzo, nuts and complete chaos all wrapped in a tasty package.
Seriously, kids, this is one of the most intense action trailers this year. It’s perfection of mindless action at its greatest.
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