Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a surprising turn of events, the once-peaceful nation of Sweden has declared war on heterosexuality by announcing their plans to open the first ever ABBA museum. When questioned as to “why,” an un-named official responded that “Drag-queens need a ‘Mecca,’ too, and Liza Minnelli isn’t from here.”

• Things were looking up for nu-metal schlocksters, Linkin Park, late Tuesday after the band mistakenly thought they had re-established contact with their last remaining a fan. As it turns out, the “woman,” from Albuquerque, NM, was merely hacking into singer Chester Bennington’s phone for the purpose of leaving text messages regarding how much the “band sucked.” Bennington could not be reached for comment. Apparently, his shift at Wendy’s just ended and he’s off until Thursday.

• Owners of The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles are reportedly demanding that Michael Richards pay $1 million for every racial slur that he recently used during a tirade at the club. Advisors are suggesting that Richards off set this amount by suing Nabisco for their liberal use of the word “cracker.”

• Saturday Night Live alumni and current 30 Rock star Tracey Morgan was arrested on drunk driving charges in Manhattan. When asked to comment Morgan reportedly responded by simply stating, “Take me drunk officer, I’m home.”

• Eat your heart out, Sharon Stone! After kicking K-Fed to the curb, Britney Spears has decided to let the “cat out of the bag”… so to speak. Showing up to a trendy LA hot-spot with new “girl friend” Paris Hilton in tow, Britney surprised the waiting paparazzi with a full-frontal shot of her “money maker.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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