PARK CITY, UTAH – I’m the King of Sundance, bitches!
In what’s gonna be the worst kept secret, my documentary Moving Midway will be this year’s big buzz flick on the snowy slopes. We’re pretty much a lock for the festival. There’s a lot of fakers who claim their films will be playing Sundance. But our movie was directed by Godfrey Cheshire, who swears that the fix is in. Geoffrey Gilmore is so dazzled by Godfrey that if we sent in a blank video cassette, he’d book it for two hours. And the audience would see what Godfrey had intended to film in the blackness on the screen. They’d call it a silent version of Derek Jarmen’s Blue. I’m the Deconstruction Producer on the film (which will make me a superstar in France).
The movie itself is an amazing tale about a New York film critic who periodically returns to the South to see the family’s old plantation house get moved after his cousin accepts millions of dollars for the land. They’re turning the space into a Target and Home Depot. The main focus of the film is that Godfrey’s ancestors were nice to their slaves. Indeed we discovered that the slaves on the plantation had health and dental benefits. They also had a 401-K set up by their owners. Unfortunately they mostly invested in .com stocks. There’s a sweet moment when Godfrey discovers that many of his ancestors enjoyed screwing the owned help. The slave owners didn’t consider it rape. They were merely diversifying the portfolio. As far as the house moving goes, Godfrey takes what would be a 10 minute segment on The History Channel’s Mega Movers and draws it out for two and a half hours. It’s so thrilling to watch a house move a mile every five hours.
I cried after I saw the first cut. I knew that there’s no way those sissies up at the Sundance Institute wouldn’t just give us all the big awards before the first screening. Maybe they should just only show Moving Midway at Sundance this year because it’d be a shame that the other 100 movies to be forgotten in it’s deep, dark shadow of brilliance. Godfrey might be on the cover of TIme, Newsweek and Film Superstar Journal in the same week.
What’s amazing is that a majority of my work on the film, consisted of a crew including the cameraman and…..me. We spent days roaming around the site videotaping the house being deconstructed and readied for it’s big move. This is why I claimed the title of Deconstruction Producer. Godfrey would show up for maybe 10 minutes to be able to get himself filmed near the project. But yet he was the best damn director you’d ever experience in those 10 minutes. I would never consider myself a director during those dirty, nasty, buggy days as dust rose from that old house. No one can take credit for the auteur vision that belongs to Godfrey! But of course with such a cool title as Deconstruction producer, I’ll get a special award when we arrive at Cannes. I believe they are already calling me “the New Jerry Lewis” in Paris.
I’ve already heard a rumor that Robert Redford is going to let me stay in his compound instead of a dumpy hotel. We’re going to spend most of the day hunting elk, skiing Mount Mitt and getting massages from Parker Posey. He’s even contemplating letting me call him Bob. He might even forgive me for once quoting Elmer Bernstein when he said, “Robert Redford imagines himself as a bronze statue in Central Park that is so dazzling and brilliant that the pigeons won’t shit on him.” Damn it. I repeated it. But it’s what Elmer said when we chatted.
The film itself is the work of a genius. There’s no way a pigeon will shit on Moving Midway: The Future Grand Prize Winner for Documentaries at Sundance. I’ve known Godfrey Cheshire for over 20 years and he’s the kind of friend who would give you a kidney and a chunk of liver without even being asked. Godfrey would reach into his mouth and yank out a kidney. I felt that our time on the location watching that house move that I had gone back to film school. He knew so much about the camera and sound. He’s just like Kubrick or Marty. I know that when he becomes big and famous, he’s bringing me along on his next project. He’s loyal to his crew like a pirate captain. Godfrey Cheshire is the greatest friend I’ve ever had. If my dad died, he’d adopt me. And he always had time to ask how I was doing. The man cared about my emotions. He’s like a cinematic Dr. Phil.
The owner of the house, Charlie Silver was the sweetest guy in the world. He was so open to me during our long days at his house. And he made sure that we knew everything that was going on. And he was so truthful about me when talking with others. The man was one big ego massager. I might name my next kid or hunting dog after Charlie Silver. I’m thrilled that his life story will now be coming to theaters around America.
I hope that my news of Moving Midway being the toast of Park City won’t sadden other indie filmmakers. But let’s face it, you’re all a bunch of second class citizens when compared to Godfrey Cheshire. He’s the future of films. You’re just a bunch of frauds. So learn to bow your heads when he walks down the street. Or you will be dealt with extreme smite action.
And if any of Sundance bound reporters can’t hook up with Godfrey (because you know he’s going to be exclusive property of the top line publications), drop me a line and I will tell you of his greatness. Also keep an eye out for my “making of” Moving Midway coming to Youtube.com. Of course being the greatest Deconstruction Producer to grace Park City, will mean I might be busy trying to juggle Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Estelle Getty through my bedroom. I mean Estelle Warren. I’m saving Estelle Getty for a torrid night in Cannes.
HOW IS IT INDIE FRIENDLY?
The Indie film community does need to revolt against Sundance. It’s the most over priced film festival in America for filmmakers involved. Who thought of throwing a film festival in the middle of ski season in a ski town to pay tribute to brokeass filmmakers? When I get prices for rooms quoted to me, why does it seem cheaper to just buy the frickin’ ski lodge? I can buy a new car cheaper than a week to get in touch with my poverty row indie filmmaking kin. A few folks hit the lottery during their stay. But a majority of the filmmakers just have one more maxed out credit card to go with their Robert Townsend collection.
Would it kill Sundance to move the festival to the off-season?
Money shouldn’t be a problem to me since Miss Cleo predicted that Tom Cruise and Harvey Weinstein will have a bidding war for Moving Midway: The Front Runner for Sweeping All the Awards at Sundance. Harvey is still bitter from when I said that his best feature was his intestinal parasite. Of course after Harvey and Bob made an exclusive deal to only have their Weinstein Company DVDs rented from Blockbuster, I don’t want to deal with them. I’m a Netflix user. And that deal is a slap in my face. It’s also a slap to every indie chain that carried Miramax films over the decades. Harvey Weinstein is a ratass bastard who would kill his puppy for a chance to win a pony. Of course if Harvey pumps out more Doogle flicks, his company might collapse before this deal expires. And judging from the lack of box office sizzle from The Matador, Lucky Number Slevin and Transamerica, Harvey doesn’t have his Miramax touch. Guess Disney kept it as part of the settlement.
I’m already missing Harvey’s parasite. That parasite knew how to play Gin Rummy.
TURKEY TIME
Does anyone care about Thanksgiving as a real holiday? It’s no longer about Pilgrims, Indians and small pox. It’s merely the starting gun for the Christmas holiday. Even Thanksgiving dinner seems like a dress rehearsal for Christmas dinner.
The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade ends not with Pilgrims, but Santa. Why doesn’t Fox News want to defend Thanksgiving? Have they been bribed by big businesses that want to start Christmas season in July? Why won’t John Gibson ban holiday ads until December? They even have stores that start their Christmas sales on Thanksgiving. A local christmas tree site has a sign saying, “We’ll be open on Thanksgiving!” Stop the madness!
Take a pledge that this Thanksgiving you will not talk about Christmas. Focus on the one tradition that I remember fondly from a child: watching King Kong and Godzilla movies after a lot of turkey. I do not recommend celebrating Thanksgiving by giving Native Americans a contagious disease. Don’t be guilted in to giving up on the true meaning of Thanksgiving – wearing pilgrim hats and indian headdresses at dinner.
OPIE SNOOZES
Was The Da Vinci Code the most boring thriller of the year? I didn’t read the book, but I watched way too many History Channel specials that dealt with parts of the book. Those shows were much more entertaining than what Opie and Tom Hanks cranked out. And why is it that no one can make an entertaining American film with Jean Reno? Godzilla and Pink Panther and now this….. Reno must have Michael Caine’s old manager.
Although watching Code has inspired me for a horror flick idea. What if vampires came after the “Holy Grail” woman? Imagine Dogma meets Dracula. The vampire wants to suck her blood because he swears it’ll allow him to remain immortal and have a soul. Or maybe after he drinks her blood, he wants to kill himself, sneak into heaven and suck souls at will? Angels vs. Vampires! This idea is cinematic gold. The US Mint will print money just for this blockbuster.
FIVE MINUTES FOR FIGHTING
The opening credit montage for Casino Royale sucks. Maurice Bender’s maggots could have come up with a more seductive piece. And the theme song stunk. And what the hell was up with people playing Texas Hold ’em instead of bacarrat? But amazingly enough this was the best Bond script since On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
What about Daniel Craig as Bond? He looks more like a hockey goon than a international super spy. But it works for the film. He’s a killing machine. When he turns on the suave, it’s just not quite there. Which was the point of the film. Once I thought to myself that he’s really 008, his performance improved.
MY NEW NETWORK SHOW
There’s nothing like success to spawn mid-season replacements. For those of you who are fans of Ugly Betty, I’m proud to announce my new reality sit-drama Creepy Joe. The plot is pretty simple; when girls get tossed off America’s Next Top Model, they arrive at my photography studio for a chance to get on the cover of Honda Honey Monthly.
“Someday you’re going to have to do things that disgust you in order to further your career. Well the line starts at my tongue!” will be used in the promos. See you on Thursdays on Dumont!
SISSY FIGHTS!
Watching the bitch fight between Mark Cuban and Donald Trump is hilarious. Talk about two dorks who could both get their asses handed to them by Omar Little. I’ve semi-encountered both of them. I forced Trump to shake my hand during a party in Manhattan. And I’ve swapped email with Cuban. I offered Cuban my services as his designated ref abuser. Who do I favor in their verbal knife fight? More blood the better.
Both guys have haircuts that pro wrestlers would refuse. Both guys need to supplement their diets with big mugs of “Shut the Hell Up” cod liver oil and mustard sauce. Trump’s Atlantic Casinos suck. Cuban’s Mavericks suck. So they’re pretty much even. Best is watching Trump attack Cuban’s TV show. As if anyone cares about Trump’s show. Do we really want to see people being humiliated for a one year contract gig? If you want that sort of crap, live the dream at IBM. Trump’s show is on the chopping block. It’s no Dancing with the Stars.
What’s hideous is when Trump goes on his resume spiel as he mentions every project he’s doing. He drones. And what’s up with him putting his name on a vodka when he refuses to drink the stuff. I on the other hand love to suck down a couple quarts of Party Favors Rye and Pickle Juice when I’m ready to party with the big boys. Cuban also has to mention all of his lame projects as if we f’n care.
The sad thought is that of these two guys, I envy neither of them. Trump’s gaudy opulence is disgusting. Cuban’s frat boy persona annoys me. And their macho posturing reminds me of Paul Lynde vs. Liberace. I do hope if Trump and Cuban mix it up, they don’t mess up their hair.
SPOOKY LOVE
Did I forget to give weird raves about the Elvira Movie Macabre series that Shout! Factory put out in time for Halloween? After watching the films, I wish they’d just put out Elvira’s segments and skip the films. I’m not sure where they dug up these prints, but they look like they’re been run through a sander instead of a projector. But it’s a small price to pay to get a nice look at Elvira in her prime. That woman knew how to flaunt a dagger.
BYE BOB
Happy retirement wishes goes out to Bob Barker with his upcoming retirement from The Price Is Right. Bob is the greatest guy in showbiz. He did the intro for my piece on IFC’s Split Screen about the Student Academy Award winning Man and Dog documentary. Bob was so moved by the film about a rural animal control officer that has to gas puppies that he gave an on camera testimonial from the set of The Price Is Right without any compensation. He even paid to FedEx the tape to us. We did send him a few t-shirts to wear when he jogs with his dogs.
And Bob is an entertainment superstar. Do you think Adam Sandler would have been a movie star if Bob hadn’t fought him in Happy Gilmore? Sandler would have David Spade”s career if Bob hadn’t belted him on the green. Bob is a kingmaker.
Bob is a prince of a man. And he knows that my living room is always open to him, even if he isn’t on TV at 11 a.m. weekdays.
LIKE A SPORTS MACHINE
It’s sad to hear that George Michael’s Sports Machine is going off the air in March after 23 years when George retires. When I didn’t have cable, this was the best way to catch decent highlight footage on a Sunday night. George did a better job than most of the blathering dorks that dominate ESPN. George, you’ll be missed.
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