CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – ESPN has finally aired a real sport and I was part of it.
Thanks to my good friend Norm Chad having to attend a Tilt fan convention in Butte, Montana, the Sports Leader called me to be the color announcer for The Fifteen Annual Ookie Cookie Invitational. This was my first entry into the world of high stakes professional action. Most of my career involved calling it as I saw it with a pack of amateurs in the back of a certain fast food restaurant as they added a little something special to the mayonnaise jar. But now the sport has moved up to the Zsa Zsa Arena at the Palms Hotel in Vegas. The Maloof brothers treated me, a distant relative, like a brother – the brother who didn’t have a grandfather smart enough to get in the beer business. They didn’t even mind when I kept quoting Killing of a Chinese Bookie to the pit bosses.
This was a transition year as the original sponsor, Keebler’s Town House crackers, was replaced by Nabisco’s Sociables. I didn’t mind the swap since the new cracker does describe the competition. It’s about being sociable even though it is heavily competitive. Ritz Top ‘Ems crackers were in the running, but lost out when Andy Griffith refused to give out the “Flock Cup” to the 2006 Champ. I wanted to pay tribute to Andy during the “winning” moment by saying, “Everything tastes better when it sits on a Ritz.” Damn it. I had already envisioned it as a viral video on Youtube.
Norm was amazing setting me up for the role. He told the bigwigs at ESPN that Ookie Cookie demands a true jerk off behind the microphone. Plus Gabe Kaplan passed since he had an Old Maid tourney in Reno. The ESPN suits were amazed at how I could say the word “strokin'” with so many infections. They were howling when I said, “Someone’s gonna lose an eye on that pop.” Plus they used my slogan, “The only difference between winners and losers is a matter of taste” on all the promos. Norm said it was going to be as big as his “they call him the Matador for the way he lures the young bulls into the ring” line. The suits promised me a guest host gig on PTI when the Cubs win the World Series.
Because of a non-disclosure agreement, I can’t tell you who won or repeat my witty commentary. Also I can’t tell any private interaction of what it’s like working with crack announcer Jerry Langerhold. He taught me a lot about the importance of a good back wax. And tips on how to tell if your hooker is pre-op. Although it was funny when one of the contestants arrived as Ernie with his own set of Keebler elves. Because of the sponsor change, they had to swap out their outfits. Luckily their back up uniforms were fireman outfits. The fans loved the Hose Squad.
So stay tuned to ESPN for the Ookie Cookie action this month. We’re airing after Dominos, Cross Country Lawn Darts and Synchronized Mulching.
I WON’T HURT HODGMAN
If John Hodgman comes to your local bookstore to sign copies of The Areas of My Expertise, show up early and prepare to be marveled. He’s hilarious even when he’s reading out of the book. He makes the hobo historical tales come alive. He’s better than most comedy shows and doesn’t force you to take a two drink minimum. He involves the audience in his show so don’t be shy. And if you bring children, be warned that he does use a little blue language. Although with his expert tone, it sounds less dirty and more like a Canadian reading a Penthouse Forum letter.
We spoke after the reading and discovered that he too was a childhood fan of The Creature Double Feature on channel 56 in Boston. Because of his recent fame playing “The P.C.” in the Apple ads, I asked about the legendary Timex-Sinclair. He laughed because he’d been thinking about the home computer that had barely enough memory to hold a recipe. Neither of us knew how many Timex-Sinclairs you’d have to hook up to get the power of a Mac G5. (The Timex-Sinclair had 2 KB of RAM.) We discussed his chapter on “How to Win a Fight” that dealt with attack ads. I mentioned my recent spat with Yahoo (the website that’s #1 amongst people that will destroy your family values) and how after it hit the web, Yahoo took a 10 percent stock dive. Coincidence? I think now. Hodgman signed my copy of his book, “Please don’t destroy me on the internet.” I agreed to the terms after he gave me a piece of hobo chalk. It’s nice to know that John Hodgman and myself have signed a non-destructive pact. And I won’t use his hobo chalk to damage his reputation.
Even though I’m a lifelong Mac user, I don’t mind considering John Hodgman as a PC pal. Hodgman is now on my list of “Five People I’d Take for Dinner to the French Laundry if The Food Channel Foots the Bill.” Sorry to bump you off the list, Liza.
THE HOSTEL DETECTIVE
I’m hooked on Showtime’s Dexter. Fellow Raleighite Michael C. Hall has proven that the best way to not be stereotyped as the gay funeral home director from Six Feet Under is to play a non-sexual serial killer working for the Miami police as their blood splatter expert.
Dexter is a unique character that would never make it on network TV. The NBC executives would change him so that instead of being a serial killer, he’d collect spoons from his travels across the country. Thankfully in the world of pay cable, he can be cold blooded as he tries to practice selective killing to feed his blood lust. It reminds me of the under appreciated John Landis’ flick Innocent Blood. If you enjoy seeing Sopranos cast members before they met Tony, get the DVD of Blood.
Dexter and his unflinching night and day jobs make the show extra addictive. You may even catch yourself playing a game of solving the homicide case while picking Dexter’s next victim. The show has a great balance of dry humor with wicked violence. It’s great that Showtime is willing to produce shows with edgy subjects instead of flooding us with shows about showbiz people.
I’m not going to compare the programming on Showtime vs. HBO. Since HBO has The Wire going on right now, it’s a dead tie in quality. But between Dexter, Sleeper Cell and Weeds (that features my fellow North Carolina School of the Arts alumni Mary Louise Parker), Showtime is putting on programs that make me forget about watching network TV. Hopefully this season of L Word remembers that some of us tune in to see a little less grieving and a lot more getting it on between the cast. More Mia Kirshner with less headcase action and more lip locking with Carmen.
Once again congratulations to Michael C. Hall who will now have old women ask him if he’s the guy who kills people instead works at the funeral home.
TRIVIA ABOUT ME
Did you know like myself another Raleigh resident that went on to study at the North Carolina School of the Arts is Randy Jones, the cowboy from the Village People? Do you know what it’s like to live in the shadow of the cowboy? Such a burden I don’t wish on my children.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL UPDATE
During my visit to the University of Virginia to see the Cavs play NC State, I was amazed to discover their new basketball arena is named after John Paul Jones. How sweet it is to know that the bassist of Led Zeppelin is finally getting his due after getting screwed out of the Plant-Page reunion. Also they had a building on campus named after The Gooch from Differ’nt Strokes. I was hoping to find out if the student health services was named after Juan Epstein’s Mother.
During the halftime show, the marching band played the themes to various ESPN shows. What the hell? Although they did impress me when halfway through they busted into “Kung Fu Fighting.” The flag girls dropped their poles and started to bust each other up.
You know your football team is having a bad season when the cheerleaders most popular chant is “Don’t! Suck!” And why is it that no matter where you sit in the stadium, your view will always be blocked by a dork with a cowbell? It’s the same way that at a fetish night event how no matter how empty the dungeon is, there will always be a tourist blocking your view of the St. Andrew’s cross action.
CHANGE YOUR STYLE
I’m watching Howard TV and wondering why Savannah Samson looks like a Brooke Hogan impersonator. I’d consider getting his pay per view channel except they showed that Richard guy yanking down his shorts.
LONG DISTANCE BURGERS
Wendy’s is now setting up their drive thru lanes so you’re now speaking to someone in a remote call center that emails your order to the grill. Let me get this right, I can barely hear a dork less than 20 feet inside the restaurant. Now we have to worry about a person in a call center on the other coast screwing up my fries? And just wait till they outsource this to India. You want curry on that apple pie? The nice thought is that it allows the workers at Wendy’s to spend less time dealing with a customer and more time chatting amongst themselves.
FOX BACK IN THE BOX
Enough with taking the Fox pregame show on the road. The two weeks they were back in a Hollywood studio was better than their lame locations. Do I really need to see morons screaming and waving signs for an hour? And wasn’t it nice to have Jillian Barberie giving us the weather and Terry the business? What’s the point of Joe Buck hosting the show when they didn’t struggle without him? Keep him in the booth, Fox.
A good pre-game show deals with three things: Who is injured, what’s the weather and who talked trash to the press. I don’t need human interest. And ones with weather girls wearing heels as they waltz around the map get my attention first.
MALIBU HOLD UP
According to a guy named Cliff at BCI, they are striking a new transfer of Malibu High which is why the Starlite Drive-In Theater DVD with it and The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High has been delayed. They’ve done a better job at Rhino when it came to restoring these Crown International titles to their late night glory so I’ll be patient.
There’s still no real answer why Classic Media has decided to delay the general release of Godzilla Raids Again and Godzilla Vs. Mothra. They’re still offering it on their exclusive website, but not priced as cheap as Deepdiscountdvd had ’em. I was so hoping to have these titles for my tribute to WOR’s King Kong-Godzilla Turkey Day Monster Mash.
Speaking of Crown International, the trailer for Grindhouse is a tribute to films those guys put out over the decades. I’m already thinking about Grindhouse 2. The follow up needs to contain the greatest of grindhouse genres – hot chicks in jail! Maybe a film about a young girl going cross country. While on a bus layover, she gets into trouble with a local and gets sent off to a redneck work camp. Of course the work done at the camp is making moonshine, mixing up meth, mud wrestling and white slavery. Lot of sweat and BBQ sauce pouring off the screen. Can you sense the numerous shower scenes? QT, call my agent, Lenny Cripes. He’ll arrange the movie magic. The young girl in jail must be played by the Princess Diaries gal. She’s look extra pretty in the hothouse.
TWICE THE VICE
Rejoice for word has leaked out that after the devastating lameness that was the Miami Vice movie, Universal is putting out seasons three and four of the show. In March we shall be getting almost all the remaining pastel goodness. They better not tease us by keeping the final season in the vault beyond Christmas 2007. The saga must be available unbutchered by the syndication cleaver. The kids need to experience the magic of Philip Michael Thomas. And when’s his performance in Death Drug coming to DVD? Philip Michael Thomas should be the next 80s icon revived like Mr. T. Thank goodness Jamie Foxx didn’t steal his legacy.
GREEN ACRES
It’s time to throw more praise at chef Daniel Taylor at Raleigh’s Underground. He has made me a fan of collard greens. Twice now I’ve cleaned my plate of the leafy veggie that’s a southern treat. As a child growing up in all you can eat BBQ joints, collared were more of a dare than food. But now I’m a fan of them if Taylor mixes them up in his cream sauces or bacon broth. Mmmmmm.
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