Author’s note: The author would like to apologize for his romantic musings below, and especially for the seemingly deliberate unfunny nature of the following blog. He attests that he tried to “bring the funny”, but was dismayed to find that “the funny was not to be brought’n”. He appreciates his readers’ understanding on this matter. “His readers” being his father and possibly someone looking for the Scrubs blog.

UNTOLD: DAY ONE

Day one should have been two. Possibly three. Alas, in an effort to consolidate our shooting schedule, and also because of the horrendous weather Ohio’s having, our first day of shooting Untold was a mild disappointment. And I must admit, the blame should fall on my shoulders. Why? Quite possibly because that’s how I wanted it.

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING

I’m drawn to failure. Hooked, actually. Most people that know me would assume that I must be content with where I am in my life; I’ve got a wonderful fiance, a steady acting career, and a one-eyed cat that adores me. Not exactly “failure” by its definition. But, just maybe, that’s why I’m drawn to it.

I made several major errors when conceiving our film shoot. We didn’t get our first shot off until 2 1/2 hours after call time. On any film shoot, that’s bad news. In my effort to keep my film crew sparse, I neglected to hire an experienced assistant director. While the person I hired was incredibly supportive, she’d never AD’d before. Without a solid AD, a film set gets bogged down. Quickly. The director wants a better frame, the actor needs another take, the cinematographer needs more time to light; it’s a mess. And though the footage we did get looks remarkable, it’s the footage we didn’t get that I’m stuck on.

On the drive home from shooting yesterday, I looked back on all of this. All of my successes, all of my failures. My urge to contribute something as a filmmaker. And I asked myself, possibly aloud, “Is this what you wanted? All this work, wearing eight different hats, loading all these responsibilities onto my back only to carry out half of them? Does this make you happy?” And on a day like monday, when we only got through half of our shot list, what’s the answer to that? How can we celebrate our acheivements when our failings follow so close behind?

I have the rest of the week to get this film in the can. I went to bed at 9:30 last night, something I don’t think I’ve done since elementary school. And as I lay there, the different versions of the film washed over me; the one I had dreamed, and the one I had tried to make to serve that dream. It seems I’m still holding onto the belief that eventually the two will merge. But what causes us to believe in that way? What compels us to hope, however irrational it may be? Whatever it is, I am filled of it. Right now, it is just enough to keep me going. Just enough to keep me ahead of this failure I seem to crave. Just barely.

-Sam Jaeger

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