Hello there, friends! Welcome back again!! How the hell are ya’? Me? Good lord… I’m more tickled right now than a D.C. page at a Mark Foley pool party. Okay… almost as tickled. But seriously… it really makes me giddy when I ask you fine folks for a little help and you jump all over the task like Madonna on a Malawi orphanage. Color me impressed, folks. Now, for those of you just tuning in, last time out I was having issues deciding on a kick ass Halloween costume so I decided to punt to you dear readers. And, in typical Music For The Masses fashion, I got EXACTLY what I asked for… and then some. BOY, AND HOW!!!! So, without further ado, I’m turning the spotlight on the winners of the Danny Elfman CD’s, in no particular order…

Dan L. from Burbank, CA, writes… and writes… and writes… : You could go easy and go as “Ask a Ninja”. That would be a trendy costume. I may do that, since I can do the voice pretty well and have the mannerisms down. If you want an easy costume, you could wear a big bow with a big gift tag that says TO: Women FROM: God. If that’s too cheesy for you or if you think you are the opposite of that, just change the tag to read, TO: The Women I don’t love FROM: God. It’s easy, doesn’t cost anything, and sometimes chicks think that kinda thing is clever and you get the hookups. Whatever…

Or you could do what I did last year and go as a suicide bomber… but only if it’s a 90% Persian party. Which I did. Oh and I’m not Persian. I’m “Whitey McHonkey” pale. You see my buddy Al Queda (his name is Bobby, but hey, everyone needs a nickname) was hosting a costume party in the Hollywood Hills. He is Iranian but is the most “American” Iranian I’ve ever met. Anyway, he said that you couldn’t get into the party if you didn’t wear a costume. I’m not one for wearing costumes and I don’t like being forced to do anything. So I said fine, I’ll wear a costume. And, like I said, it was a party with about 150 people, 90% of which were Persian. And the pic above (I’m the one on the right) is what I wore. Needless to say I thought I was going to get stabbed, but that’s why I forced my friend to be one as well, in case I needed a human shield. It actually was a big hit at the party. The host’s mom came up and told me how she felt like she was back home. Crazy, right? And I lived to tell about it. Luckily, he isn’t having a party this year because the only way I could top what I wore last year is to come as Mohammad. And I kinda want to live past Halloween.

Holy shit, Dan. I’m sitting here right now thinking two things, three if you count a floundering joke involving the term “camel toe.” One, it must have been damn near impossible fitting that costume over your giant balls and two, who did you get to start your car for you when you left the party? BLAMO!!! Enjoy the CD, man. You more than earned it. Allahu Akbar!!

Christina Y., hailing from Aurora, CO and obviously confusing me for a member of MENSA, offers up two suggestions. The first, is to build a giant, 9’ 2” fucking robot… yes, fucking…

… with a little, motorized ant “driving” it…

… powered by a circuit board that would make an MIT graduate’s asshole pucker.

I greatly appreciate the vote of confidence here, Christina, but I couldn’t build this thing if I tried. If you’d have been paying closer attention, you’d know a couple of crucial things about me. First, I write the rough-draft of this column in crayon so I don’t hurt myself and second, my two most-favoritist things to do are playing “Sniff the Finger” and “Put Stuff On The Cat.”

Good times… good times. Of course, Christina, you also recommended that I go as Elfman’s “Satan” character from the Forbidden Zone and that is ABSOLUTELY worthy of a CD, so… Enjoy!!

Jeff B. from Mesa, AZ, offers up a rather simple suggestion. “Go as a cock fighter,” he says. Interesting choice, Jeff. However, I will fully admit that I didn’t realize the enormity, length or girth of this idea until I opened the accompanying photo…

That’s some funny shit, right there, Jeff. Good work. Very, umm… tasteful. Enjoy the CD.

Now, probably my favorite response is the one I received from Jim A. of Des Moines, IA. You see, Jim decided to completely ignore the whole point of this contest and just sent me his name, address and this picture…

… which reminds me of a porno I picked up in the $6 bin at my local “Rub n’ Chub.” At any rate, enjoy the CD, Jim. I have no idea what the hell this has to do with anything, but what the hey. Oh, and Jim? I hear that if you take just a little peanut butter and slather it all over your… oh, who am I kidding? I’m sure you already know all this!! Have fun with Rover, there, tiger!! PETA will be contacting you shortly.

And last, but not least, is A.J. from Portland, OR, who writes… ”Screw the fancy costumes, man. Pick yourself up a little kid’s Batman outfit. Trust me. . .the chicks will be all over you like old people on a buffet.”

Speaking of being “all over the buffet” there A.J., considering that you have bigger tits than Anna Nicole, you may want to sit one out, know what I’m sayin’, playa’? I keed, I keed!! At any rate, considering that you look a HELL of a lot like Kevin Smith in Mallrats, you get a CD. “Fly, Fat Ass!! Fly!!!”

Well, there you have it, friends. And seriously, thanks to all of you who entered. Obviously, I can’t give you all a CD, but if you didn’t win, know this… I am reserving a special place in Heaven for each and every one of you who entered. Of course, the only seats I had left were “Obstructed View,” but what the hell… at least I’m not sticking you back by the shitters.

For the rest of you? Feel free to use any of these ideas for your Halloween costume this year. Me? Well, you see, this outpouring of creativity, or, in some cases, out-right thievery, has made me realize that I should just come up with my own costume idea, so… that’s EXACTLY what I did. Granted, dressing up as Spider-man is not the most “original” idea, but, I think you’ll agree, I was able to put my own “stamp” on it. .

Pretty sweet, huh? I’m just praying it doesn’t get too cold on Halloween, otherwise, the “trick” will be on me and the only “treat” I’ll get is a frost-bitten “web-shooter.” BA DUMP BUMP!!!

But enough about all that, friends, for, even though it’s a REALLY slow time for new releases, we still have a few to check out including the new ones from Jeremy Enigk and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Also, we have a review from a pissed-off Record Store clerk and a chance for you aspiring artists out there to “Pimp Your Band.” Should be fun. So, what do you say? Let’s get to it, shall we??!!

Artist: Jeremy Enigk Album: World Waits Bastard Love Child of: Sunny Day Real Estate and and the sweet, angelic voice of a little baby Jesus. Best for: Taking a contemplative moment to wonder, “Seriously. . .What WOULD Jesus do?”

The fact that Jeremy Enigk is NOT a household name is one of the great tragedies of our modern times. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it is one of the signs of the Apocalypse… right between the whole “raining frogs” thing and Paris Hilton’s popularity. Oh, by the way, speaking of Paris, I guess you can “hire” her for a $100,000 to host your New Year’s Eve party. Hmm… I wonder if a video tape of you and her having awkward, fumbling sex later that night is included? Either way, I recommend pocketing the cash and spending the evening with a 1X6 with a blonde wig stapled to the top. The conversation will be more lively, the night more fun and the sex… about the same… umm, from what I’ve seen. But I digress.

Now, for the sake of those of you out there who have no frickin’, (yes, I just typed frickin’ in a vain attempt to “clean up my act”), clue as to who Jeremy Enigk is, let me briefly fill you in. He is the ethereal-voiced ex-lead singer of emo-core pioneers Sunny Day Real Estate (GREAT fucking band… yes, I just typed “fucking”… the attempt to clean up my act “didn’t take”), current lead singer of The Fire Theft (when he feels like it) and full-time, speakin’-in-tongues, rattlesnake-throwin’ Jesus freak. His favorite color is mauve, he has a Shitzu named Earl and he can break up a band faster than Yoko Ono. *Editor’s note: M.C. has no fucking clue what Jeremy’s favorite color is or if he even has a dog. He does, however, tend to break up his bands much like that evil harpy Yoko.*

Jeremy also happens to possess one of the most uniquely impressive voices that I have ever heard and his last effort with Sunny Day Real Estate, The Rising Tide, with it’s swelling orchestration, impressive guitar work and, of course, Jeremy’s tremendous vocal range, is easily in my top 25 and, I would argue, a “must own” album. And many of those same elements, minus the meaty guitar work of phenom Dan Hoener, are present on this new solo album, World Waits. However, without Dan, the album never quite kicks out of the more mellow-melodic groove of Jeremy’s work with The Fire Theft. No, this is not a bad thing. In fact, as the tracks on this overly short disc progress, fans of Jeremy’s work and any of it’s various iterations will easily recognize elements from Sunny Day’s Rising Tide or Diary and The Fire Theft disc. And this really kicks ass. For you non-fans? Hmm… honestly, for the uninitiated, I could see Jeremy’s, whinny-at-times timbre irritating the holy hell out of you. I would recommend that you pick up The Rising Tide first to get acclimated to his sound (and because you should own it) and in a friendlier (read: more accessible) environment. However, if you’re feeling adventurous and want a superb disc from an under-appreciated artist, grab a copy of World Waits and let it grow on you like a cold sore on Albert Pujols lip (Thanks HDTV!!). You won’t be disappointed.

To check out the best songs on the disc, minus the spooky-as-hell “Damien Dreams,” hit Jeremy’s MySpace page… www.myspace.com/jeremyenigk.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 (only because it’s too damn short)

Now before you get all discombobulated, I’ll clear one thing up for you, if you weren’t already in the know. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes is NOT a rap group. Nor are the Gimmes considered hip-hop. In fact, they are pretty far from the genre that I have been primarily getting over the last few months. See the Gimmes are a punk band, but more importantly they could be considered a “Super Punk” band. The band consists of members of other perennial punk bands like NoFX, Swinging Utters and Lagwagon. You can think of them as the Damn Yankees of a new generation. But of course instead of “The Nuge” and a 50 year old guy from Night Ranger, you get a bunch of punk dudes. I think that it’s a fair trade all around. Oh and did I mention that the Gimmes are strictly a cover band? No? Well, they are.

Back with a fifth studio album, Love Their Country, is a collection of County-type songs done up all punk like. Normally I would shy away from anything having to do with country music, but if Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are involved, I will at least give it a listen. Love Their Country is not the groups best effort, but it’s not bad either. With songs like the Eagles Desperado and the Dixie Chicks’ Goodbye Earl, the band covers songs ranging from pseudo country to straight up, shit kicking, bull sexing country. None of the songs are bad, but there are only a few, like Goodbye Earl and Sunday Morning Comedown (Johnny Cash) that really stand out.

The biggest gripe I have with this album is the length. Clocking in at just over 25 minutes, this disc should have a lot more music. Of course this is quite common in the punk side of the business, and the rap side as well, but it still doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I mean if I’m going to pay for a CD, I’d like to get my money out of it. I don’t think 25 minutes quite justifies my 18 dollar expenditure. It would be like if (or more commonly when) I pay a stripper for a lap dance and she leaves her top on till half way through the song. I mean it’s just not right!

Anyways, Love Their Country is a good album especially if you’re a fan of that crazy punk music. If you’re a straight up country fan, I think you’ll want to stay away. But then again I think that if Garth Brooks threw more “fucks” into his songs, I could see myself giving him more of a listen.

Rating:3 out of 5

REVIEWS BY…

Robb O.
“Dan’s New & Used CDeez” Employee

Man, I’m serious. You customers REALLY piss me off. Always coming up and asking, in your whiny, little voices “Do you have any Green Day? Do you have any AFI? Do you have any Panic! At the Disco?” Gahh!! Flavors of the day, people. Flavors of the day. All you pop music posers make me want to puke all down the front of my Shitz Londer and the Horror Babes T-shirt. I even told the owner, Dan, about how much you all suck and how little you know about good music, and that asshole wrote me up! Can you believe it? Probably a fucking Hinder fan. Seriously. All of you sheep wouldn’t know good music if it bit you on your pimpled, Lucky Jean-wearing asses. I cut my teeth on Springsteen, people. Ever heard of him? Now THAT’s music. Yeah. That’s right. Can’t make fun of him, can you? That’s why I kick-ass. How about Robert Johnson? That’s right, I know the blues, too. Uh huh. That’s why I rule and you drool. Ever heard of Beat Farmers? G Love and Special Sauce? Of course you haven’t. You suck. Seriously. From the giant, commercial tit. Just lapping up whatever the major labels throw at you. Damn! Wait till you leave the store, man. . .me and Steve are going to make sooo much fun of you, your ears are going to burn clean off.

I’m not EVEN joking here… if one more person asks me about the new Sparta disc, I’m going to go postal. Seriously, idiots. Let Uncle Robb give you a little history lesson here since you suck. First, stupid jack-asses, I was into these guys way back when they were in At The Drive-In. Yeah. That’s right. Back when you were listening to Top-40 pabulum, I was into these guys. Hell, their first album came out right when I started here. Me and Steve were both like “Yeah! This is the shit!! This is so much better than all of that pop-crap, major label bullshit that our customers are always asking for! Yeah!!!” Of course, I don’t know why I’m even telling you this. I know you’ve never heard of them. But I have. That’s why you suck. Whatever. Let’s just suffice it to say that ATDI were the best thing to come out of San Diego since Rocket From the Crypt. Don’t worry. I know you’ve never heard of them either… because you suck. Like Sinatra said, “The money’s on the dresser.” No, I don’t know what that means, but screw you. I’m quoting Sinatra. You can’t do that.

Look, time for me to take you to school here… try to stay with me if your tiny brains are able. At The Drive-In basically redefined music for an entire generation of bands, much like Morphine. True “artistes” in every sense of the word. When they disbanded, the world, this Earth and certainly what we humans refer to as music, got a little bit more opaque. No, I don’t know what that means, but it doesn’t matter. Like Morrisey once said, “Girlfriend in a coma, I know. It’s serious.” Yeah… stings, huh?

So anyway, idiots, the two most responsible for At The Drive-In’s true direction and intensity, Cedric and Omar (you know the guys that were in DeFacto before At The Drive-In? Of course you don’t), they formed the Mars Volta back when you were still listening to Brittany Spears and Matchbox 20. That’s right. I could school you like this all day long. All day long, man. Well, at least until my shift ends at 8. I thought I was going to have to close tonight, but Dan called Rick, so I’m cool. But, hey… I think I’ve already proven that, you pop-loving mongoloids.

You dummies still with me? Yeah, well, the other At The Drive-In guys, the more “mainstream” guys, formed the sellout, “wannabe” shame Sparta. But of course you DO know this. You suck. That’s why you keep asking me for this album. After all, your masters at MTV and bullshit radio told you too. Sheep. If you had ANY taste at all, you’d be asking me for Fugazi. Whatever. Like pearls before swine. No, I don’t know what that means, but whatever. You suck.

Consider yourself schooled and if you’ve learned nothing else today, I hope you at least learned that you suck. In fact, don’t even bother coming into this store anymore until you get some musical taste like I have. Your taste in music sucks even more than the new Sparta disc. And no, I haven’t even listened to it, but I don’t have too – Sparta sold out. After all, how can they be good when they’ve had their souls ground up in the corporate machine?

Rating: -1000 out of 5

* Editor’s notes:

At The Drive-In is actually from El Paso, Texas… not San Diego.

Rob actually liked the new Sparta until Steve made fun of him. Steve liked it until somebody made fun of him.

The new Sparta disc is actually quite good and a musical and lyrical improvement over their last disc (Rating 3.5 out of 5).

Records store clerks don’t know shit about music and are generally dicks.*

BAND OF THE WEEK!!!!

You know? In addition to MySpace being a GREAT place to meet a Dateline reporter, it’s also a great place to check out some new and unsigned artists. To honor these individuals and their art, I thought it would be cool to feature a band here each time out, sans any remarks or comments from yours truly. Consider this your place to shine. If you want you or band featured here, just drop me a line. Up first…

THE TASTYDACTYLS

Austin, Texas

Website: www.myspace.com/thetastydactyls

Band Members:

Blake- Guitar/Vocals/Keys

Austun- Drums/Vocals/Train Whistle

Kyle- Keys/Synth/Samples

Big Blake- Rickenbacker Bass/Tamborine

Chelsey- Everything Else

Influences: Too numerous (and humorous) to list. Log on and see for yourself!

Sounds Like: “The Muppet Band re-mixed.”

CD Available? YES!!! Again, hit the web-site and check us out!!

Label: None… for now!

Message from the band: Big Blake- “The only thing I can tell you about us over and above what you can glean from our web-site is that we are a fun-loving group, a tremendous live act and that the three 19 year olds in the band all went to high school together. The original bass player “lost interest” AND, because they were practicing in my garage (guitarist has dated my daughter for almost 4 years), I chipped in, started popping the bass and helping with the song writing. In my humble opinion… that decision paid off in spades! Finally, we have a CD ready to ship to our adoring fans so… what are you waiting for?? Check us out!!”

If you want your band featured here, shoot me an email at the link below!

Well, folks, that’s going to do it for me and the gang this week, so… until next time… keep wearing it proud and playing it loud.

Send pictures of stuff on your cat, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

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