ORLANDO – Why do parents insist on bringing kids to Disney World? Are they gluttons for punishment? Or are they merely sadists that enjoy ruining vacations for everyone else?

Disney wants us to think we’re going to “the happiest place on Earth.” But after you cleared the turnstiles, you’ve entered the world’s largest a K-Mart.  If ever there was a land where parents want to beat their kids, it’s the Magic Kingdom. The cast members should wear a pin declaring, “Can I hold your purse while you shut up your brat?”

If your child isn’t 40 inches high, don’t bring them to Orlando. Why haul a kid to Florida that can’t get on the E ticket rides? I can’t stand having to watch 36 inch kids whine about why they can’t ride Space Mountain. They whine and cry longer than the ride – including the walk through the concourse. Worse is idiot parents that haven’t a clue how tall their kids are. They take them halfway through the line only to see junior not measure up at the entrance. I get to experience their kid screaming at the gate demanding a chance to die in the dark. Remembering when thinning the herd was a positive part of child rearing?

The 30 inch high kid is the perfect height to ride my knee when they dart around the park trying to make a break for Donald Duck’s arms. Instead of being able to enjoy the beauty of my surrounds, most of my time I have to look down to make sure that I don’t stomp a tyke or two. Amazingly enough, it becomes my problem when I break their kid’s nose. How am I supposed to enjoy myself with a constant fear of being carted away in cuffs and facing a million dollar lawsuit? What is so wrong with keeping kids on a leash? And remember to pay extra for the muzzle.

If the height thing is a little too tough for you to figure out with your child, here’s a simple approach: if you have to push your kid in a stroller – don’t go to Disney.

Wanna know what’s slower than a baby being pushed in a stroller? A baby being pushed in a stroller by their grandparents. Some of us have come to a theme park to get on as many rides as humanly possible. The worst part is they clump up and swap “cute grandkid” stories as their paces slows down But the molasses disaster patrol can gunk up any smooth experience. NFL offensive line coaches should visit Orlando to learn the geriatric blocking patterns.

I want to be able to relax and enjoy myself in the land of Mickey Mouse. It costs $67 for a one day pass and another $45 for the park hopper. After taxes I’ve forked out $120 to witness parents berating their kid to stop whining or they’re going back to the hotel. They’re blowing my cool. I paid for fun and instead I’m getting to relive my own childhood trauma trips. I’m going to have to pay a shrink $200 an hour to recover from my vacation.

What really gets these family squabbles going is the huge amount of Disney merchandise that little kids want. Disney World is a huge gift shop interrupted by lines for rides. In the Magic Kingdom only 2 major rides don’t end in giftshops (The Haunted Mansion and Thunder Mountain Railroad). There’s dozens of “gimme” moments to hurdle when it comes to little kids. I don’t get the necessity of Disney to overwhelm us with giftshops. All of Main Street is a giftshop. Who wants to buy large amounts of glassware after getting off a ride? Where are you supposed to put this stuff when it’s time to get on Space Mountain? The obvious answer is to shove it down your kids throat when he won’t zip his yap. But that’s illegal under Florida law.

You really shouldn’t take your kids to Disney World until they’re old enough to drive you to Florida. And if the little ones want to go, just take them to Hooters. They get a rush out of a riding around the table in the arms of a waitress in a tanktop.

TEARS FOR A GLOBE

EPCOT is the saddest place in the universe (outside of A-Rod’s bathroom). The episode of The Simpsons where the family gets stuck in a nightmarish theme park based on EPCOT isn’t a joke. Walt’s dream of a society that pushes the boundaries of science hasn’t merely been abused by the Disney suits. It’s been beaten to death by Walt’s own creation.

Unlike the hustle and bustle that meets you at the gates of the Magic Kingdom, the longest ride at EPCOT is the security shakedown. Can I just ponder what’s the point of merely looking in a purse? If you’re an active terrorist, are you really just going to put your tools of destruction in your Birken Bag?

And it is at the gate that you can immediately tell that Disney is giving up on EPCOT as a vision of the future. The amazing Geodesic Globe has now been defaced with a Mickey Mouse arm and stars strewn across it’s surface.  And the topiary bushes in front of the dome are shaped like characters from Beauty and the Beast. Who needs the future when you can have Disney magic tossed in your face? The buildings of Future World look way too educational for their own good.

The saving grace of EPCOT can be summed up in one word: Booze! Yes, the whole point of going to this theme park is dinner in the World Showcase with real booze from around the world.

The bad part is that it must be a two mile walk to get from the gate to the imported beer and wine. In the Florida heat and humidity, it’s inhumane. When it comes to visions of the future, nothing tops The Jetsons. Did you ever see George and Jane walking to dinner? Why doesn’t Disney have stinking people movers in their recreation of tomorrow? And it seemed like a majority of the people in the park wanted to get to the World Showcase.

Disney needs to convert the Future area to what people want – Land of Booze! Why not give us an exhibit courtesy of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Aristocrat? And for the ladies, come on down to the lake to see how Cabana Boy mixes up the good stuff.

WHO RUNG IN?

While the new snazzy set on Jeopardy looks great, they need to fix the lights that declare which contestant has buzzed in first. On the long shot, I can barely see the row of thin red lights pop up. My TV set is bigger than a Watchman. Why must Alex and the gang be so secretive in letting us know which of the three is going to belt out the question? Are they hiding it from the terrorists?

BAM!

Will Barry Scott (Mr. Easy-Off Bam!) duke it out with Billy Mays (Kaboom!) for most annoying pitchman that isn’t selling Head On? I’ve already seen one ad with Barry and I already want to throw a Bloomin’ Onion at his head. And what’s up with importing this guy from Australia? Are we lacking annoying goofs in this country? We need immigration reform to protect the future jerks being raised in America.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING FOR?

Will Citibank outsource their phonebank to a part of India that speaks English? What’s the point of calling it customer service if a customer has to call up the UN for a translator to figure out how to get serviced? I can’t even cuss at these folks across the world because they don’t know my kind of swearing. Remember when we were merely pissed off at getting routed around the phone wizard? We just wanted a human voice. And now we’re paying for it since these loser businesses went cheap.

BLOOMIN’ FUN HUM

Hurray for the “Outback Tonight” jingle for the Outback Steakhouse. Enough with just recycling the same classic rock tunes to push your product. Give us the tunes that sell the tasty products!  The jingle is the best new song on the radio this season. Now I’m ready for another Bloomin’ Onion!

HAMMER HURT HER!

Before Dancing With the Stars started the new season, Tom DeLay sent out an email telling his supporters to call up and vote for Sara Evans, the country music star. “We need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television by supporting good people like Sara Evans,” wrote DeLay. Well a few weeks into the show Evans has filed for divorce and it’s pretty f’n ugly. She’s claiming her husband was a horn dog who didn’t mind sitting around watching porn while his son walked into the room. Plus the guy cheated on her with the nanny. Evan’s husband is now getting word out that she was a bad mother who neglected her kids while dancing for the show. Plus word is spreading that she was boffing Kenny Chesney.

What sort of “good people” is Sara Evans? DeLay was trying to slam Jerry Springer, but it appears that Evans and her husband are running around a stage in Chicago throwing chairs, flashing boobs and being held back by Steve. Thanks to disgraced ex-Congressman DeLay, we’ve once again been fooled into supporting the morally degenerate Showbiz weasels. Maybe Evans isn’t one of those evil Hollywood freaks, but country music is a world of sex freaks and drug abusers.

The fun part is that Kenny Chesney has already said that he didn’t have sex with Sara Evans. “He would NEVER think of her like that,” said a Cheney PR flack. Insert laughter from the bullriders who have their own theory about Kenny and women. If anything could have helped it’s reputation, it would have been to release videotapes. Of course we live in a universe where David Geffen, the gayest man in Hollywood has boffed Marlo Thomas and Cher.

I wonder about the relationship between DeLay and Sara Evans? Maybe the Hammer earned his nickname the old fashioned way? Chesney said that they are merely “good friends” and DeLay used those same words. Hmmmm?

All I need to know right now is that Sara Evans is now responsible for a lot of smut being aired on TV thanks to her disgusting lifestyle. Perhaps DeLay needs to send out an email to America for promoting a pack of pervs, Quit hurtin’ us, Hammer.

BOO!

After crapping out for the past few years, both TCM and AMC have gone overboard on providing monster flicks for this Halloween season.

Comments: None