-by Bonnie Rose (aka “Bonnie R.”)

I’ve been seriously playing with 3D animation and video editing for about 4 or 5 years – I even took a class in it for about a year – but I really got discouraged when I realized the CG world is dominated by 22-year-old boys, and I’m a 40-year-old woman. “Hey boss, I look like one of your mom’s friends! Give me an internship!” So mostly I’ve just used it to make videos to crack my friends up. Though I did do one notable thing about 3 years ago, and that was a CG video for Neil Innes (of The Rutles, Monty Python, and the Bonzo Dog Band) that’s up at neilinnes.org, Neil’s unofficial official website, that my friend Laurie and I started in 1998. Today I think it’s pretty amateurish, since I was still pretty much a beginner at the animation program 3ds Max, but I think it’s fun, and Neil liked it enough to be in it.

Me, Neil Innes & Laurie at Venice Beach

My other passion is politics. I LOVE The Colbert Report and never miss an episode (though I didn’t watch the first couple of months, which I really regret). So when Stephen announced his Green Screen Challenge, the clouds parted and the angels sang; AT LAST! A MISSION!

I wanted to get it submitted as fast as I could, because I had no idea how long the contest would run. Luckily, I’m self-employed and work from home (transcribing for TV shows mostly, and doing the occasional website). I still got my work done, but every spare minute over the next week and a half I worked on my Challenge entry. It probably ended up taking about 60 or 70 hours altogether, and I was really happy with it when it was done. I put it up on YouTube and mentioned it on the Colbertnation.com message board.

Almost instantly, I got just enough praise to encourage me, and some very constructive criticism as well. So I set out to fix the problems I agreed with, and change a couple of the choices for “Choose Hero.” I replaced Ann Coulter and Charlton Heston with Tom Delay and Pat Robertson, because I realized Charlton Heston didn’t deserve to be lumped in with the rest of those jerks, and Ann Coulter is simply too vile to be used in a comedy piece.

I also added some music to the “Choose Hero “and “Choose Evildoer” screens, and actually went to online stock music libraries and found some songs and sound effects and paid for them. Normally I wouldn’t care about that, since I really think there’s something fundamentally wrong with the concept of intellectual property, but I had read the contract you had to agree to when you submit your entry, and in a nutshell it said YOU OWN THE LEGAL RIGHTS TO EVERY BIT OF YOUR VIDEO. Turned out to be a real good thing I did that, Anthony, a real good thing.

However, the song I had at the end worried me. I stumbled onto it while surfing for sound effects and it blared through my speakers as the auto-loading background music on a web page. “God is bigger than the boogeyman, he’s bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV”. What is Mamoud Amanajenahasapetapetalon to Stephen’s character and his ilk if not a “monster on TV”? PERFECT ending song! Then I Googled the lyrics and found out it was from VeggieTales. “Ah, crap,” I thought, “it’s corporate, and I’m sure they’ve got Veggie Lawyers.” I didn’t think they’d use it if they showed it on The Colbert Report, but then again, a lot of people were using straight movie scenes in their entries, and surely they didn’t purchase the rights to 30 seconds of Star Wars, so I thought maybe it would get by.

(For a more in-depth look at how the video was created, see “The Making of Freedom Fighter”).

I got the final version uploaded to The Colbert Nation website the night before Stephen was back from his 2 week hiatus, and from that day until last Wednesday, I was on pins and needles every Monday – Thursday at 8:30 (I’m in L.A. but Dish Network gives us Comedy Central’s east coast feed). They didn’t show it… they didn’t show it… I wasn’t sure whether them not showing it was a really good sign or a really bad sign.

Then on September 22, I got my first email from somebody at the show. He’d attached a PDF version of the contract which he asked me to physically sign and fax to them. VERY good sign! Then he emailed me again asking for a higher-res version of my video and giving me their FTP info. Another good sign! But still, I thought, he could be asking 50 other people for all of this, so I didn’t let myself get excited yet.

Next day, another email: “Where did all the music and sound effects in your video come from?” So I told him where it all came from. Next day, another email: “Can you forward us copies of all the receipts and contracts for the music and sound effects you paid for?” I was starting to get a little excited.

A few days passed, and Stephen announced on the show that the winner would be chosen the following Wednesday. I was just glad to have a date when this would be over so I could start watching the show again without feeling nervous the whole time!

On Friday, someone from The Colbert Report called me. He said they all loved my video, and it was in the finals, and they’d like me to be on the show over the phone the following Wednesday. Okay, now I can get excited!! I said of course, and he said that he’d call me again on Monday to set it up.

The backdrop to all this is I was moving into a new house that exact same week, and I was so busy with that I didn’t really have time to sit around and go insane over the weekend wondering what was going to happen.

They called on Monday to make sure I still wanted to do it, and told me when they’d call on Wednesday. He told me that Stephen would talk to me as himself before our conversation on the air. That was a BIG relief. One of the clients I transcribe for is Ken Plume, who runs this very website, (what a coincidence I’m telling my story here!), and he interviewed Stephen years ago, back when Stephen was still accessible [EDITOR’S NOTE: Ironically, Stephen’s publicist turned us down for a new interview with Stephen two days before Bonnie won the Challenge. – Ken]. I remembered Ken told me a long time ago that Stephen Colbert was the nicest person he’d ever interviewed, so I really thought that talking to the real him beforehand would help put me at ease, because I was pretty nervous.

The call on Wednesday came a lot later than I expected. First, I got an audio guy who had me count to ten to get the levels. Then back on hold. Then, “Hi Bonnie, this is Stephen Colbert.” “Which one?” I asked, and he laughed and said, “You’ll have to find out.” He talked to me for maybe 10 seconds; thanked me for the video, and said there was another contestant, “So even if you don’t win, thank you for your entry.” And that was it, back on hold. Okay, talking to Stephen Colbert first did not put me at ease like it was supposed to! By that point, I have to admit I was getting pretty confident that I had probably won, but I flat out asked on Monday “Did I win?” and they said, “You’ll have to find out,” so I still thought there might be another contestant also on hold. Now I knew for a definite fact there was and I really might lose!

More silence. Suddenly I hear, “Joining us on the phone from Torrance, California, say hello to Bonnie R.” When I heard him say, “Do we have a picture? Put anything up,” and then the audience crack up, I was thinking, “WHAT?? What are they showing to represent me?” And they never even asked me for a picture! But one thing I’ve noticed about the show is that Stephen is always very kind to the heroes. I remembered that every “new black friend” photo he showed on his show, the reason he rejected them was always one the entrants could laugh at and still retain their dignity. So I wasn’t really worried about what it could be.

Mercifully, he didn’t really ask me anything, so I didn’t have to feel like a complete idiot stammering lame answers. Then I heard my video over the phone, the video I have seen five hundred thousand billion skillion times on my computer, being played in front of an audience, and the audience was laughing! It was the most incredible feeling in the world. Then I heard they did replace the end song, but it was a good choice, and worked just perfectly. Then Stephen came back on and said, “Okay, hold on,” and then began 5 minutes of dark silence.

I knew he was showing the other contestant’s video. “Oh god, what if it’s some incredible piece of Holy F’ing Shit that blows mine out of the water submitted by a ‘real’ animator, and I’m really going to lose? Wouldn’t he play the losing one first and the winning one last? I probably am going to lose!”

Suddenly, “Okay Bonnie, you ready?” “Uh, yeah…” I say, as I startle out of my daze. I hear Stephen say, “Hit it” and I hear some score-tallying sound effect, not knowing what the hell is going on. I hear Stephen yell, “A perfect score!” I thought he said, “A perfect four” so I said, “Is that good?” Then he said, “We’ve never had a perfect score before…” and I thought, “Oh, SCORE. Idiot. ‘Is that good?’ Duh – yes, that’s good!” When he said I was the winner, the tension dam broke and the thrill flood burst forth, and I screamed and squealed like a damn girl.

After Stephen put me back on hold, a girl came on and said, “Congratulations!” But she said she didn’t know what they were going to send me. And that was it. All I had to do now was wait a couple hours and see the show at 8:30.

The montage at the beginning blew my mind. Aside from the fact I can’t imagine how long it took to go through all those, come up with their favorite scenes, and edit those scenes together to produce two smooth cycles of Stephen’s entire green screen performance, there were a lot in there I had never seen that were really good. That drove it home even harder just how big a deal it was that I won over all those other great entries.

Then came my part; I was so scared! But I didn’t sound too weird or screechy or anything like I feared. I really laughed with relief at the Princess Leia picture. Okay, that’s just silly, so I can maintain my dignity. And it was an amazing approximation; I too have two eyes, a mouth, a nose in between, and hair on top – just like that!

I was surprised to see my video in full screen, as the other ones I believe were in boxes. That was an extra little boost, like, “Oooh! Mine is special!” Realizing people all over the country were seeing my silly little video and seeing the Comedy Central logo in the corner of it was SO FUCKING SURREAL I felt like I was about to poo, pee, puke, and burst into flames all at once. Instead I just sat there with a big grin on my face making squeaking noises.

Then came the other contestant. I still fully expected it was a real contestant. As soon as Stephen said, “he joins us in the studio” I thought, “Hey, no fair, how come the other contestant got to be in the studio?” But that thought only lasted about 3 seconds. When George Lucas walked out, I laughed my head off. I realized instantly, “They tricked me!” As if this whole experience wasn’t surreal enough as it was, now part of the joke is I beat George Lucas! Not only will this episode go down in Colbert Report history, it’s going to be part of Star Wars history! It’s one of The Colbert Report‘s longest-running experiments/games, it’s being played out for the enjoyment of all, and this time I’m not just watching it on TV, I’m participating in it! Okay, it’s not as big as curing cancer, but it’s bigger than winning my middle school skateboard contest. It’s called BFD relativism.

Then the emails started flooding in, from friends, family, and even a dear old friend I hadn’t heard from in years who happened to be watching the show. Then a stream of announcements for YouTube Comment, YouTube Comment, YouTube Comment… it was great! The best email, though, was from my son, Robby, who’s in the Coast Guard, stationed in Alaska. It was just “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD” typed over and over and over. I was so proud that he was so proud of me!

The next day at about noon, the real Stephen Colbert called me. I didn’t even recognize his voice at first, he sounded so low key compared to his character. He said he was calling to thank me personally since he didn’t get a chance to talk to me for real the night before. We only talked for about 5 or 10 minutes, He said some really nice things about my video – even that the Lucas people really liked it, which is a tremendous compliment if it’s true.

Naturally, I took my opportunity to be a big geeky fan and tell him my unsolicited opinion about his show. I told him I think he’s solidified something that wasn’t solid before, mentioning a link I saw that said, “John Gibson doing his best Stephen Colbert impression,” which I clicked on and heard John Gibson say this:

I saw a headline this morning: Now scientists say Pluto isn’t a planet. It isn’t big enough. … My attitude is: Who says? It’s been a planet my entire life. I learned that in the third grade. …. It’s the cold one, the farthest from the sun and, yes, it’s the small one. But no, you can’t unmake Pluto as a planet. Long ago I learned it was a planet and I see no reason to unlearn it. Why should I? Somebody somewhere, some mysterious person who answers to no one and seems to have dictatorial power sets new standards for planets and all of a sudden one of the original nine is dropped? … Actually I don’t know why Pluto got itself unmade as a planet. I didn’t even read the rest of the story, frankly. The headline was all I needed to see to know I’m rejecting this attempt at revisionist history.

Before, when I’d hear stuff like this, I’d think, “What are they doing at these cable news channels, scouring the airport bars at 1:00 a.m. looking for the most obnoxious drunken opinionated idiot they can find and asking him if he wants a TV show?” Stephen Colbert pinpointed what these pundits do and gave it a name. Now I can watch John Gibson and see truthiness in action. He doesn’t have to read the article, because to him Pluto has always been a planet and science has no right to tell him otherwise. From there, it’s easier to see exactly what is idiotic about his statement: He doesn’t seem to realize that scientists are accountable TO OTHER SCIENTISTS. He’s an idiot because he doesn’t understand the difference between revisionist history and scientific progression, or scientific authority and  dictatorial power, and he’s an idiot because he doesn’t realize that if he had a show in 1930 he’d be complaining that he learned there were eight planets when he was in third grade and he won’t have anybody telling him there are nine. And mostly he’s an idiot because he didn’t even bother to read the article.

I didn’t tell him all that, though. I just thanked him for making the end of civilization as we know it more tolerable.

So that’s my story. All I have to do now is wait for my prize, which is not a prize because it wasn’t a contest. I have no idea what it’s going to be, and I really don’t even care what it is, because nothing that comes in a box can match the thrill I felt when I won the Stephen Colbert Green Screen Challenge!

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——— DOWNLOAD “Freedom Fighter”: CLICK HERE ———

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UPDATE: Here’s what I didn’t get as a prize, because it’s not a contest. Damn, no job offer from George Lucas. Sore loser. Still, what a haul!

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Hey – Ken Plume from Quick Stop here… How about another surprise for Bonnie that she won’t even know about until she looks at her own article? Sideshow Collectibles is going to be sending her a Premium Format Princess Leia to go along with her Colbert prizes – ’cause if your gonna get one white robe, how about another one related to Star Wars?

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Will this article be Colberied? We can only hope…]

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