HOLLYWOOD – Who is that mysterious shadow in the windows on the set of Deal or No Deal? Who makes the call to tell a contestant how much they can earn by just walking away? Who is the stranger that gloats when a sucker walks away with $5 instead of a million smackers?

Why it’s me!

I’m the banker. And I’ll be the banker until I have to return to my job as the guy who hands out MacArthur Genius Grants (that’s the reason I haven’t been given one).

People think it’s easy being the Banker on that show. All I have to do make a couple calls to Howie and read off preset figures. That’s only half my job. My other duty involves shaving Howie’s back between shows. It’s an ugly job, but I just love showbiz too much to give up on it.

The sad part is that my work is coming home with me. During my brother’s birthday, I offered him $20 to leave Aunt Mary’s card sealed and walk away from the cake. I offered a hooker at the Point $60 to leave her teeth in. I’m probably heading to the Monte Hall Rehab Center for People Who Just Can’t Stop Making a Deal.

KELLY LEAK IS BACK, BITCHES!

Is it’ f’n true? Did the big buzz of the Toronto Film Festival involve Jackie Earle Haley’s performance in Little Children? Is he really being fast tracked for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar? At least one good thing is going right in the universe.

After years of declaring Jackie Earle Haley the greatest troubled teen actor of his generation, he’s finally getting his due. The man who brought Kelly Leak to life in the Bad News Bears films, has grown up and still has the chops.

I have to pester my Oscar voting pals to make sure that Jackie is on their ballots. And if you have any, you better put Harvey Weinstein pressure on them. It’s all about Jackie this year. Forget Marty 2007 (although from the early word on The Departed, he might bag the trophy if Jack Nicholson and Brad Pitt can work the Hollywood voters and make them forget Marty as that little New Yawker who makes violent films), it’s all about Jackie Earle Haley.

I can already see Jackie’s name get called out, he rides up the steps on his motorbike, swigs down a beer, lights up a cigarette, clutches the trophy, points to heaven and say, “I got an Academy Award. Does that turn you on? Academy Award?”

How could Richard Linklater remake The Bad News Bears without begging for Jackie Earle Haley to be in the film? He should have played the owner of Hooters or a strip club. Linklater learned the power of Jackie Earle Haley since his version will not be beloved except by the same knuckleheads that think the new Rollerball is better than the James Caan version.

The Party Favors is rooting big time for Jackie Earle Haley and we promise to see Little Children when it opens in October – even if it doesn’t play at the Starlite Drive-In.

NOT GAY CLAY

The sad truth is that even if Clay Aiken was gay, he would only be the second most famous gay singer to emerge from Raleigh, North Carolina. Do you know who the most famous gay singer from this town is? Why it’s the Cowboy from the Village People. Yup. Randy Jones wasn’t from Texas. Although he went to the North Carolina School of the Arts in Winston-Salem, the home of Texas Pete hot sauce!

Clay really needs to do an entire record of Bob Mould songs. Enough with the showtunes that his menopausing Claymates already know. Let these women hum “Heartbreak a Stranger” and “Could You Be the One?”

SNOREBIZ SHOW

Why has Comedy Central signed up for another 13 episodes of David Spade’s Showbiz Show. He looked so bored in the last few episodes I caught while waiting for the tequila to wear off and The Daily Show to kick in. How can the folks at that channel want to endure more of Spade’s sleepwalking through his old jokes? And because of the nature of the show, there’s no real rerun action nor DVDs. What’s the point of making a cable show that can’t do those simple things? Think of how much action and cash Comedy Central has made off Chappelle Show. Although I’ve noticed that in the past few weeks the shelves are covered with the overpriced Lost Episodes. Expect to see it discounted for Thanksgiving – maybe even as freebie if you buy the other two boxsets?

They should have made a run at Joel McHale and the creative team behind The Soup on E!

Speaking of E!, isn’t it time for more rumors that Howard Stern wants to return his 30 minute show to the channel? Word is that Howard’s lack of profile outside of the pay radio and limited pay per view venues for his show has diminished his ability to sell the show. And by giving America a 30 minute sanitized version of the show, he’ll be able to attract people willing to pay to see the bisexual strippers without the bars blocking all the fun. It only makes business sense.

TURN THE PAGE

Why does Mary Harron take the most exciting of topics and sucks them dry of panache? First she does a film about Andy Warhol. And it’s about the woman who shot Andy. And it’s just hard to watch the nutty woman. Then she gets her hands on American Psycho. While I enjoy moments in that film (especially Christian Bale’s music reviews), it also lack that certain flare that elevates it to Trainspotting heights. And after 20 years of talking about it, she gets to bring Bettie Page’s story to the screen in The Notorious Bettie Page. And it just lacks the fun sleaze that this story deserves.

It’s so clinical and academic that it comes off as a Canadian production. Which oddly enough, Harron is. The film doesn’t breathe. It seems like a biopic that’s more concerned with connecting the dots than the journey of the line.

But I can’t completely trash the flick. Gretchen Moll finally lives up to her “next hot actress” hype from eight years ago. She wears those black bangs with authority. And does a great job recreating Page’s legendary poses. She looks stunning in the black and white view of Manhattan and vintage color scenes of Miami Beach. The film suffers when she’s not on the screen. Plus she looks good stripped down.

I’m happy I didn’t pay full price to see this at the cinema. It’s worth watching as a Netflix selection. This is a story that should have been a Cinemax After Dark experience. Damn shame Gregory Dark didn’t get to make it.

PBS PORN

I’m calling the FCC to complain about PBS’s recent Andy Warhol: A Documentary. While the images were rather conservative, I was exposed to way too much academic masturbation from critics. Each one had to spew a load of their genius jiz on the screen as they tried to explain Warhol’s work. This was worse then Janet Jackson’s nipple being shown during the D-Day landing in Saving Private Ryan. Filmmaker Ric Burns should be ashamed for letting these goofs jack off for so long. The sad part is that most of them were unloading blanks.

Maybe next time Ric can focus on the cinema of Peter North. At least he knows how to goo up the screen with a purpose.

HO HO WHORES

I’d like to remind retailers that you can not start advertising for Christmas until you have taken down your Halloween displays. Although you can sell egg nog while the Monster Cereals are still on the shelf. Nothing is better than a bowl of Frankenberry floating in egg nog. Mmmmmmmm.

AFFLECK CURSE CONTINUES

Ben Affleck is refusing to destroy the cursed baseball. He better do something this winter or the only present he’s giving Redsox Nation is another 80 plus years of waiting.

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