Hello there, friends! Welcome back! I hope all is well. Boy, I gotta tell you that, me personally, I am absolutely tickled pink right now. Know why? Of course you don’t… unless you have some kind of satanic, mind reading skills like that Chriss Angel (here’s a “MindFreak” for you… I think that MIGHT be a guy!) or one of them Scientologists. No… I’m tickled pink that I was actually able to find the PERFECT gift for my new girlfriend with absolutely ZERO help from anybody… including her. Yep, I did it all on my own. I’m a big boy today! How cool is that? Seriously, friends, she has NO idea how close she came to getting the old, M.C. “standard…” a George Foreman® grill and some Isotoner® gloves. Whoops! With Kwanzaa just around the corner, maybe I shouldn’t have written that. Oh well, screw it. This is just too cool… I have to share. After all, it’s not everyday that you can find a gift for a “loved one” that will help them share in your personal passions. Here… check it out:

That’s right, friends… you are looking at an iBuzz®, the first, music-activated sex toy. Pretty cool, huh? Here’s what it says on their web-site: “iBuzz® is the musical orgasm machine! The music-activated vibrating bullet stimulates you in time with your favorite music. Which song pushes your buttons?” Gee. . .that’s a hard question, iBuzz©, but I have an answer. . .anything from Michael Bolton’s “Sexual Mullet” phase. Time, Love & Tenderness? I’m almost “there” just thinking about it.

Seriously, how cool is this gift? Rhetorical question! It’s damn cool. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, those two, purple, “jellied things” up there… the ones that look like something a smoker would hack up. . .yeah, well those are actually a “knobbled, stimulating sleeve for her enjoyment©” and a “spiked, cock ring sleeve for his enjoyment©.” Two gifts for the price of one!! Now don’t get me wrong, friends. This isn’t one of those gifts that I really wanted and just “saying” that I’m getting for her. I really am buying it just for her. You see, now she can find her own, damn “little man in the canoe,” because frankly, I’m sick of trying. Hell, I’ve been looking for a week now and the only help she’s given me are the shouts of “IT’S NOT IN MY BUTT!! IT’S NOT IN MY BUTT!!!” Leave no stone unturned, says I.

I’m telling you, she’s going to LOVE this. And the best part of this gift, by far, is that it’s going to open the door for some other “items” I’ve been kicking around getting her like that Sybian®-thing Howard Stern is always talking about or even… umm, horseback riding lessons. Hey, whatever gets her where she needs to get going without wasting all MY time. Know what I’m saying? The way I figure… I’m set for gift ideas through Valentine’s Day.

But enough about all of that. It’s time to check out some new releases. This week, we spin the new ones from New Found Glory and Mozella, Double A checks in with the soundtrack to a video game and, as a special treat, my meth-cookin’ cousin, Jay Dee, checks in with a review of the new Mars Volta. Should be fun. So, what do you say? Let’s get to it, shall we??!!

Artist: Mozella Album: I Will Bastard Love Child of: David Gray, Macy Gray and a drum machine. Best for: Massaging your emotional wounds at the demise of the WB and UPN.

About a week ago, I was smack dab in the middle of an hour long, commercial-free drive home sponsored by Ford Motor Company when I get a call from Keifer Sutherland. The following events take place between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM. . .

“Dammit M.C.! Pick up your Motorola phone!!” shouts Keifer.

“I did pick up my phone, Kweefer!” I shout back, giggling like a school girl at our little, inside joke.

“Dammit M.C.!! I don’t have time for this, dammit! I’ve just been shot, electrocuted, brought back to life and I’ve killed 18 people and it’s not even dinner time yet… Dammit! AGHHH. . .My 2007 Ford Excusion is about to run out of gas and the battery on my new Motorola Slivr is almost out of juice.”

“Ummm… okay,” I respond tentatively, unsure where Keifer is going with this.

“I need you to re-position the Sirius satellite for me… now… so that you can pick up the signal that I’m sending you.”

“Dude… I have no…”

“Dammit, M.C. … just do it!! And don’t tell Chloe about this… lord knows I don’t need her being an even bigger gash because I asked you to do something for me instead of her.”

“Gash?”

“Dammit, M.C. … pay attention!!! We don’t have time for this. I still need to sneak on that plane, kill 24 more people, get blown up… twice… brought back to life… hell, I still have to save that small village before noon!!!”

Playing along, I respond, “Okay, man, sure. Whatever you want. What’s up?”

“You gotta check out this song I just heard. I’m uploading it now.”

“Okay… got it.” I lie.

“Pretty sweet, huh? Her name is Mozella…”

“Yeah, sweet. I love that movie where she’s fighting Mothra and…”

“Dammit, M.C. Quit messing around. I need you to go and check out her whole…”

“HA!” I interrupt.

“… album… Dammit M.C!… listen to her whole disc and do a review. If you don’t…” his words hung… umm, well?

“Okay, Kweef… whatever you say. I’ll get right on it. Consider it done.”

“Yeah… thanks.” His voice softer now, “Look, M.C. … I gotta go. Tell Kim… tell her I love her…”

“Sure thing, man…” I say into the dead phone.

So, mostly out of fear of getting shot in the knee-cap by Keifer, I picked up the new Mozella CD, I Will, and listen to it I did… a bunch… and, I gotta say, pretty impressive, Keifer. Sure, her sound is reminiscent of Norah Jones, specifically Come Away With Me, but no wonder you picked her song “Amazed” to be on your Celebrity playlist and that Mercedes Benz picked the song to back their 2005 ad campaign. Mozella’s overall sound is “Klassy” with a capital “K.” Hell, I would have picked that song, too. Of course, I probably would have put “Amazed” on this debut disc, but, hey… what the hell do I know? After all, up until last month, I thought Lance Bass was straight. Who knew? I just thought he had a keen fashion sense, solid hair-product knowledge and a butt-load of flair. I’ll refrain from getting into what he has a butt load of now. Hey Oh!!!

Seriously, folks, with Mozella’s look, her sophisticated and slightly “pop-y sound,” impressive vocals, colored with soul and drifting between bluesy ingénue and jazzy seductress and those hip, urban beats. . .there’s a lot here to enjoy, whether you’re picking these tunes up for your play list or your national, marketing campaign. I tend to prefer my music with a bit more crunch, but the grooves on this disc are undeniable. Good stuff all around. The disc, as a whole, is solid with each track flowing easily into the next, but my personal favorites are the slow-grinding songs “Killing Time” and “Love Is Something.” But don’t take my word for it. If you want to get a good taste of what Mozella is all about and to see for yourself if you are into her sound, check out the first single, “Amnesia.”

Mark my words… you’re going to be hearing this song everywhere here in a couple of weeks.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5. Giant Hoop Earings: 5 out of 5

Artist: New Found Glory Album:Coming Home Bastard Love Child of: Blink-182 and Fall Out Boy Best for: Proving that there is no good reason to stop beating a dead horse.

A few weeks ago, I saw a marquee, advertising an upcoming concert, which actually made me laugh out loud. You see, right there, in big, black letters, high above one of the busiest streets in Denver, a marquee proudly proclaimed “THE QUEERS w/ HARD-ON’s COMING SOON!!” I shit you not. What a double bill, huh? I was completely blown away… well, not literally. Never before had I seen two band names more perfectly suited to one another. And, as this type of shit usually does, it got me thinking of other bands I would like to see paired on a marquee like the “The PUSSYCAT DOLLS AND BUSH!!”, “THE FLYING BURRITO BROTHERS WITH THE FARTZ,” and, of course, “NEW FOUND GLORY-HOLE”. (By the way, if you don’t know what a Glory Hole is, ask a trucker… or former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey.)

Speaking of New Found Glory (nice segue, eh?), the “punk-lite,” Warped Tour darlings from Florida just released their 5^th disc, Coming Home. And, being the giant sucker that I am, I bought a copy figuring what the hell, I’ll give it a spin for you, my internet friends because, well, because that’s what I do. . .when I’m not shopping on-line for used, celebrity panties. Now, before going any further, let me state for the record that I was not a fan of the band going in and, after several spins of this new disc, I can honestly say that I’m sure as hell not a fan now. In fact, after listening to this disc, I am now convinced, more than ever, that New Found Glory, A Simple Plan, Hawthorne Heights, Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday are actually the same band and, if ever they should meet, there would be a tear in the time space continuum like that TimeCop movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Seriously.

Now, to be fair, I fully realize that I’m not New Found Glory’s target market. I don’t wear wrist bands, I don’t wear a straight-brimmed baseball hat at a jaunty angle, both testicles have fully descended and I’ve never shopped at Hot Topic. Okay… I shopped there once. Bought a sweet ass bumper sticker that says “I Wish My Lawn Were Goth So It’d Cut Itself,” but I digress. But I honestly can’t see how even fans of this band would find this latest offering even mildly entertaining. Nothing on this album grabs you… not a beat, not a guitar lick, vocal harmony or melody. Nothing. Sadly, it’s like the band spent too much time trying to sound like everyone else, they forgot how to make music. Or at least they forgot how to make good music. Wait, what am I saying? They never knew how to make good music (see: Sticks and Stones, Catalyst or Head On Collision).

If you are a fan of the band, I know you’ve already lapped this album up. . .and for that, I am truly sorry. For the rest of you, especially those of you considering buying this crap, listen to the first single “Oxygen.” Like that? Not so much? Yeah, well, consider that track the shiniest peanut in the turd.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Let me get one thing out of the way so there is no confusion later on. I hate basketball. I hate it with a passion. I would rather go to an Indigo Girls concert than a basketball game. I would rather watch re-runs of the Rosie O’Donnell show than watch a basketball game. I would rather die than play basketball. Well, that’s not too much of a stretch, as being of the portly persuasion, playing anything would most likely kill me. But that’s neither here nor there. The basic fact is that if it doesn’t involve a helmet and grass or ice, I don’t consider it a sport. So imagine my surprise when I got excited about and ran out to purchase the soundtrack to the NBA video game 2K7. Go figure.

The only reason that I bought this album is that it was put together by Dan “The Automator” Nakamura. I’ve been a fan of Dan The Automator for a while now, and you should be too. Seriously, if you haven’t heard anything that he did with the Handsome Boy Modeling School, get off your ass and check it out. It’s more magical than something that is really magical. Like crack. Anyways, Dan the Automator is a production genius and I will heartily buy anything that he slaps his name on. Which is why I bought a basketball themed album. Sure there are a ton of great artists on this album but lets get one more thing out of the way, this IS strictly a Dan The Automator album. Guests like Ghostface, Mos Def and Hieroglyphics only make good things better.

There are two main problems that I have with this album, the main being that all the songs are about basketball. All of them. I will refrain from going over how much I hate the game again. Luckily, a few of the songs seem more like “normal rap” than basketball tributes. The rhythms are great, but I may be a little tainted since I have a little “hetero man crush” on Dan the Automator. And for the most part, with a few exceptions, the rhymes are good. The song “Don’t Hate the Player” by Hieroglyphics is the best on the disc, mostly because the basketball references are more in the background rather than the main focus.

For a soundtrack to a video game, this is a damn fine disc. As a stand alone rap or hip hop disc, there are better out there. If you dig basketball and rap, then you will probably shoot your load all over this like Kobe on a white girl. If not, it is still worth a listen. Now if only the worlds of hip hop and hockey could form a cohesive unit. I know it’ll never happen, but a fat kid can dream, cant he?

Rating: 4 out of 5

REVIEWS. . .

by JAY DEE BELL

Mars Volta

Amputechture

Mars Volta! Hell yeah! WHOOOO!!! Oh man… this CD is crazy! I was there and doing the… damn… the CD just kicks ass. I mean, when I’m out there going crazy, totally all lit you know, the CD is going all over the place and crazy. Man!! And when I’m comin’ down the music is all slow and like… you know, slow. That’s the thing man – it’s just there. And I’ll be talking to Gary and he’ll say some bullshit about how he knew the guys in Slipknot and I tell him he don’t know shit from shit man. That’s the thing. Gary thinks he knows all these famous types but he’s just a nobody man. He’s like that guy…

Yeah, so… I just wish I knew what the chick was singing on this Mars Volta CD man. Fuckin’ crazy!! She’s all talkin’ and I’m like “what?” I always yell at my stereo “speak English motherfucker! Or get outa the country!” You know. Piss me off. That’s the thing. The guitars make me feel like I’m alive but not always – you know? WHOOOO!!!

Someday man I’ll get my band back together and we’ll cover some of these songs man. Like that one song “Viscera Eyes” or whatever. Man I love that shit. I was… that’s the thing. You know? WHOOOO!!! Mars is the best!! That movie with Arnold Schwats… man, I don’t even know how to pronounce that dudes name man. You know The Terminator. Shit man. That’s the thing.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Well, there you have it friends. That’s going to do it for me and the gang this week, so, until next time, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!

Send the songs you’d most like to masturbate to, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

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