DENNISPORT – Damn you, Affleck!

You wanna know why the Boston Redsox went into the dumpster after being ahead of the Yankees in the standings? Ben F’n Affleck. How is it his fault? During a game against the Los Angels Angels of Anaheim and nearby San Pedro, Affleck was sitting front row with his wife, Jennifer Garner. He was doing his “World’s Biggest Redsox fan” schtick. He had seats next to the Sox’s dugout and yelled his words of encouragement to Manny and Papi. But when it was his time to truly stand up for the team, what did he do? He became a goofy little bitch for the Angels.

While the game was still close, a ball was popped up right at Affleck. Howie Kendrick, the Angels’ first baseman, charged the stands. Both him and Affleck reached for the ball. And who won the grabbing contest? Was it Superman? Daredevil? Jack Ryan? It was Kendrick who snagged the ball and ended the Sox’s inning. And the Sox season also ended at that moment.
 
As a fan, you have the right to block an opposing player from reaching into the stands. You’re not allowed to throw a punch, but you can stand straight up against the short wall and impede his reach into your seat. I’ve been told that you can be like A-Rod and sissy slap his glove away from the ball when he reaches in. It’s your turf. Affleck should have understood that his job is not to go for the ball, but to defend against the opposing defense.

When I go to the games with my wife and sit in the front row, we have a simple agreement: I’ll block the opposing player and she goes for the ball. Marriage is about sharing responsibilities.

Affleck should have should used his stuntman trained skills to block Kendrick. He could have put up his superhero chest and bounced Kendrick back onto the turf. Affleck could have yelled, “Not in my seats, bitch!” And the crowd would have gone nuts. That moment would have probably gone up there with Varitek smacking A-Rod in 2004. This was a season that needed a defiant moment. Instead it was a whimper ending for a season and Affleck’s name deserves to go up there with Steve Bartman. Actually Ben’s name deserves to go up there with Bob Stanley for being able to suck the life out of Beantown. Affleck sunk this team deeper than Babe Ruth’s piano.

And you may ask, why? How can this be possible? Why is one actor responsible for the fate of 25 baseball players and their coach? Luck is a wicked mistress. Think of how much luck played a part in the Sox winning the World Series. And when Lady Luck saw that the #1 Redsox fan in the world wasn’t willing to sacrifice his body to protect the ball, she split town. 

After that moment, it was bad mojo for the Redsox. Jason Varitek went down with a knee injury. Ortiz has his heart trouble. Manny’s knee went nasty. Jon Lester discovered he has anaplastic large cell lymphoma. Closer Jonathan Papelbon gets a shoulder injury. Plus a flu bug infected the locker room. And the infamous five game sweep at the hand of the Yankees at Fenway took place. All this happened after Affleck let Kendrick cherry pick the foul ball.

What’s even more disgusting is that Kendrick signed the ball and gave it to Affleck. That ball is more cursed than the ’86 Buckner ball. You don’t keep a ball like that on the mantle. Do you keep the rubber that your ex-best friend wore when he banged you wife while you were getting pizza? Affleck needs to destroy that ball now so that the rest of us can wait for next season instead of being cursed for generations. It’s only a matter of time before Dan Shaughnessy writes The Curse of Bennifer: Or How Ben Affleck Restored the Bambino’s Hex. Affleck best hire some of his Hollywood effect pals to blow up that ball. And he better videotape it and put it on Youtube to show that this horsehide globe of evil has been annihilated. The fate of a nation depends on it: Redsox Nation.

Affleck is not even close to being the biggest Redsox fan anymore. That honor goes to former Patriot and Boston College quarterback Doug Flutie. He catches foul balls at Fenway instead of assisting the opposition. I bet Flutie would have put his shoulder into Kendrick’s ribcage. Flutie knows how to live as Superman and not merely play him in a movie. Next time Affleck goes to a game, he needs to be seated high above the action in a luxury suite where he can’t destroy the devotion of millions. He ruined this season – not Johnny Damon.

SCREW YAHOO

Have you ever disappeared off the internet? Well those rat bastards at Yahoo screwed me over a few days ago. Without warning or hard reason, Yahoo killed my account with them. On top of that, my groups that I started were pulled down.

I had an account with these people for nearly a decade. Mere minutes after checking my groups, I log in to check my email and get a message reading, “This account has been disabled for violating the TOS agreement.” And they refused to say what I supposedly did. They took the time to destroy my online life. Damn shame they didn’t have a minute to send me a quick note saying what this bad boy did to piss off the Yahoo Gods.

I tried to call Yahoo to get to the bottom of this nonsense. But there is no customer service line for those of us who don’t have business accounts with Yahoax. When I wrote them a nice note asking what the hell happened, I did not receive a reply. And I wrote them a nice second letter which was promptly ignored. What a wonderful way to instill loyalty in the people who use your services, Yahoyo.

What hurt most was having my Yahoo Groups destroyed. People’s lives were torn asunder by this action. My Party Favors group is gone. How am I supposed to show off the pic of me and Katie Couric that caused tongues to wag in Manhattan? And my group that paid tribute to AIP’s Beach Party move series was washed away.

Once in a while, I used to run into the Yahooligans at parties. They seemed nice enough. But now I know that they are minions of Satan. They will all be reincarnated as urinal cakes at the Vince Lombardi RestStop on the Jersey Turnpike. They are pathetic creatures who couldn’t get a maggot to suck their decaying flesh off the bone even if they were wearing a prime rib suit. I hate them. I hate Yahoo. I hate Yahoo so much that I’m just going to do whatever I can to make that company go in the dumpster. I questioned the economics of Krispy Kreme during their heyday when the BBC interviewed me. I told the reporter, it just doesn’t make sense that a company is worth so much and yet here in their heartland, they only have one store in the middle of a bad part of town.  And after that interview, the company’s economics were exposed and the donut maker hasn’t recovered.

It’s hard to do any real damage to Yahoo because they’ve been in the crapper for years. Ever since they made Mark Cuban a billionaire, they’ve been sucking fumes on Wall Street. Back when I enjoyed their services, I didn’t see why their stock was trading for the same price as Ned’s Buggywhip Emporiums? Now that I’ve been shunned like an Amish kid with an iPod, I understand why Yahoo stock bounces around $30 a share. Google is at $400.

After getting shafted and cold shouldered by Yahoo, I know why people don’t like Yahoo. Because they are unlikable. These were the guys who on Trumps’ TV Show wanted their banners to dominate a charity event to the point that few people could name the charity. Nobody actually donated to the charity since they thought it was just Yahoo’s night of a dozen yucks. Do you remember the Head Yahooligan have to cough up a check after the commercial break since he realized that he looked like a Turd Biscuit on TV? Well money can’t cover up my anger at these jerks. 

If you own Yahoo stock, use it for the bottom of your birdcage. At least then it will accumulate worth. Of course my troubles are nothing compared to Shi Tao, who is now in a Chinese prison because Yahoo turned over his email information to the Chinese government. Maybe I should be grateful that I’m not being being butt raped thanks to the Yahooligans?

Next time I’m in a room with Yahoo losers, I’m going to give them my Scanners stare so they’ll lose bowel control.

FATHER IS COMING HOME!

After months of writing letters to the folks at programming, Boomerang (Cartoon Network’s retro animation home) has finally decided that it’s a good idea to air Wait Till Your Father Gets Home. I’m pumped. Are you? As far as I can tell, this was the first series to feature an animated human family in the modern age. Between the Flintstones and the Jetsons lurked the Boyles. The show ran 48 episodes from 1972-74 in syndication.

I’ve never seen the show because it aired in America when I was being an army brat in West Germany. But a few people think Family Guy cribbed elements from Your Father. The only bad part about the revival on Boomerang is that it runs at 3:30 a.m. (Eastern time) and that’s just right after my bedtime. I’ll be setting the recorder clock on the DVD-R so I can finally see the show that I’d only seen in clips during salutes to Hanna-Barbera Studios. And even if the show isn’t as great as Super Globetrotters, I’ll watch every episode because damn it, I asked for it.

Boomerang is also running Fantastic Four and Jonny Quest. It’s nice to see a cable channel that enjoys running different stuff for the night owls rather than rerunning daylight programming. Remember programmers, we will set the video recorder if we cared enough to watch it the first time. Enough with the reruns and marathons.

DAMN YOU DIGITAL CABLE!

I was shocked this morning when my DVD-Recorder refused to dupe a show off HBO OnDemand. At first I feared the player had broken. That somehow after all the recording in the last few months, it had decided to die like most electronic equipment in my life. But it turns out that HBO and Showtime on my Time-Warner cable system have blocked their OnDemand from being digitally duped. This means that those of you with VCRs can still record their programming. But the rest of you that upgraded from analog have been screwed.

A lot of people use the OnDemand channel to record DVD-Rs for friends and relatives that are currently stationed in Iraq. Those troops are fighting for our freedom and their parents can no longer just burn a couple movies to keep their kids entertained after a high stress day of driving around Baghdad avoiding IEDs. The folks at HBO and Showtime should feel really proud of themselves.

THROW A FLAG ON THEM

Who designed the new ref outfits for the NFL? Did they want to make the whistle blowers look more athletic with those fluid stripes and their numbers printed on the jersey? If it wasn’t for the lame new designs to Minnesota Vikings uniforms, the refs would win my award for the “do you not look in the mirror” award. They look like they’re trying to look sexy for a Bananarama video.

SLICED BILL

What had more butchery? The theatrical cut of Kill Bill or what TNT did to the movies in order to air them? And where the hell is the complete cut from Tarantino? I haven’t bought the DVDs because he claimed he was going to Peter Jackson the film. I’m not that big of a fan of the movie to buy multiple versions. Perhaps he too busy trying to make his segment of Grind House come in at less than 5 hours? Who pays tribute to 83 minute b-movies with a 4 hour epic?

WHERE DID JOE GO?

Being down in the South, I don’t spend much time reading Page Six. But I was left wondering why Fox News was no longer pushing Joe Piscopo as the next governor of New Jersey. For a while, Joe was fighting it out with Mitt Romney and Jack Welch for face time with Neil Cavuto. What happened to Joe? Well it turns out he’s in the midst of a messy divorce and his estranged wife claims domestic abuse. This was the woman he first met when she was 11 and babysitting his kids. I never quite understood how FoxNews could push Joe for a political position between this, the rumors of how he bulked up and his time on Saturday Night Live – home of the drugs! It seems that we won’t have to worry about Joe and Arnold clowning up at the governors conference any time soon.

GET IT NOW

Remember to rush down to Best Buy to pick up The Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Collection boxset containing Tarantula, The Mole People, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Monolith Monsters and Monster On The Campus. This is classic thrills from Universal Studios and goes well with the Monster Legacy collections. From what I’ve heard, this is a one shot deal so once Best Buy has sold them, they’re gone. No rain checks. I’m showing up early at the store cause I want my big spider – shrinking man action.

TV IS BETTER THAN EVER

It’s TV bliss this fall season with the return of Weeds, The Wire and Squidbillies. Talk about a trio of greatness. Weeds isn’t having a sophomore slump as it keeps pushing it’s storylines to the extreme without playing it safe. I don’t think Who’s the Boss? ever featured the son putting a hole in a rubber to keep his girlfriend from moving away. The Wire‘s fourth season focuses on the kids trapped in the middle of Baltimore’s drug business. It’s a battle for the soul of the city. And it’s nice to know HBO is giving the series a fifth and final season. Squidbillies is just animated gold. This Adult Swim show should be the first cartoon to win the Nobel Prize.

IRISH EYES ARE SMILING

At Underground (my favorite place to eat in Raleigh), Chef Daniel Taylor topped himself on the desert menu. He made ice cream flavored with Guiness and Bailey’s Irish Creme. Booze and ice cream. It’s like what Leprechauns have for their birthdays. If only it could be put next to deep fried Oreos, I’d probably die of internal injuries from a bliss overdose.

 

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