It’s an interesting time to be alive for your average movie critic.
I think, for a while, I really wanted to be a movie critic for a local paper here in Phoenix. I was turning in writing samples to a few places and even when I thought there might be some chance to do something meaningful I sent more samples into a void where I didn’t even get a formal letter of rejection.
I’ve sized up the competition and, not to be full of my own abilities, I know that a writing style like mine trumps the blended vanilla blandness that most reviewers pen their screeds in on a weekly basis. Sure, because Phoenix is so small this town loves to coddle the pretty contributors for both dailies on the television set for a rousing weekly sit-down of what adults should be seeing that week at the theaters. It might be jealousy or sheer confusion on my part but these same dudes, and don’t kid yourselves into believeing that someone like Janet Maslin of the New York Times would be welcomed into such a stratified boys club if sharp women like her set their sights on this dustbowl, are also on the radio and in print for their weekly diatribes.
This sort of monopoly on the critic market actually gave me pause last week when I read David Poland’s article on the state of the old media critic and the new media counterpart. What should be abundantly clear after getting a sense for the difference between what is really a racket designed to favor those who are able to have their words stamped in black ink and disseminated to regional laypersons is that new media, even with the handful of webtards who would do better to read up on the construction of a sentence than they do in pole smoking the latest from Uwe Boll, is kind of a better place to be subsiting if you enjoy the kind of freedoms that come with not having to answer to shareholders while demonstrating your value.
I won’t lie and say that if given the chance I would spit in the face of opportunity to write a few things for a publishing conglomerate, I already have and I’ll be sharing the details of this monumentous, yet financially microscopic, event as the date comes closer, but this debate has renewed my faith in the idea that there are hardcore journalists out there who are standing up against the monoliths that essentially want to disregard the contributions of “new media” writers.
I’d like to think that enjoying not just movies, but the critical theory that can help deepen a film’s meaning, that I can be stimulated by writings that have some weight to them. However, at the end of the day who really cares about a well written SNAKES ON A PLANE review when the people who care about good writing, and see Internet outlets as perfectly acceptable avenues for it, are just as relevant, if not more, than their cubicle counterparts if they’re infused with the kind of creativity and originality that is bred out of journalists. This doesn’t pertain to all critics, mind you, but, again, if “Old Media” want to talk smack about those of you who choose to get their information from the Internet then I say we have a frank discussion about newspapers in general.
To see it a different way, how many here actually wait and read their newspaper on Friday morning to read a fresh review from your local talent? I don’t and I’ll tell you a frank, and simplistic, reason why: the reviews just aren’t fresh. They are, mostly, flat, fetid and mostly all indistinguishable. I don’t hear a voice anymore coming from my paper. I want someone to can entertain my sensibilites as a reader but I also don’t want someone to use the space to flex their knowledge of all things film by injecting obscurity into the mix. You want a good reason why newspapers are a dying breed? People are consuming their media with a little flavor. The Internet is responsible for finally taking a billy club upside the head of the overweight monopolies controlling what and how you read.
So, while I may not agree with everything that David Poland, Jeffrey Wells or any number of electronic scribblers put out for the world to see I am filled with great delight knowing this debate is raging forward with some excellent representatives from this side of the peanut gallery that will take some of these bulbous blowhards to task. I know my voice is very small compared to theirs but if some relics from an era that is slowly melting and receeding like a glacier want to really go to town on this, and I know they will, then they need to only look further than their paycheck and realize that there is work out here that rivals their own for free and packed with the kind of passion that they’ve long since forgotten how to channel.
Now, that said, let me proclaim as succinctly as possible that the trailer for BEERFEST is crap, the one for FLYBOYS is ass and I think that anyone who doesn’t think the preview for ROCKY BALBOA is anything less than promising needs a good rogering with the business end of a toilet brush. Enjoy your weekends, you freeloading cheapskates, who dine on my genius for nothing…
HALF NELSON (2006)
Director: Ryan Fleck
Cast: Ryan Gosling, Shareeka Epps, Anthony Mackie
Release: August 11, 2006 (Limited)
Synopsis: Dan Dunne (Ryan Gosling) is a young inner-city junior high school teacher whose ideals wither and die in the face of reality. Day after day in his shabby Brooklyn classroom, he somehow finds the energy to inspire his 13 and 14-year-olds to examine everything from civil rights to the Civil War with a new enthusiasm.
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Prognosis: Positive. Quick…
Name your favorite Ryan Gosling moment. I played this game with myself whenever I see someone who I recognize from bit parts and am having trouble to quickly think of their most resonant moment with me. For Ryan, though, I couldn’t think of a damn thing with the exception of the played-out “Lazy Sunday†song from SNL and Co. I’ve never seen THE NOTEBOOK, I have no plans on ever seeing THE NOTEBOOK and would mentally check-out of my body should I ever have to endure THE NOTEBOOK. I would like to state, though, that this is perhaps the first Ryan Gosling performance that has trailer really poked my brain with its mere 2:02 running time.
I like trailers that open with a little something more than just blasting right into things if the makers can justify doing it that way and here we get that. What I like about this opening is that Ryan is sacked out in bed, living inches above his squalor, and while we don’t yet understand who he is or what he’s doing he gets his ass out of bed and we next meet up with him while he’s in his car, ready to tackle his day doing whatever it is we’re about to see: he’s a teacher.
I know I’ve seen so many stories about teachers, I guess writers identify closely to the things they know best and teachers just seem like a logical extension of this, thus, the plethora of flicks devoted to them but I am immediately put on the defensive for exactly this reason; this movie needs to have something new to say and as Ryan makes his way though the halls of his assigned public school hell on earth with the exception that this isn’t as hellacious as you’d think.
One of the great things about the modern, urban, public school is that it is rife with kids who are ready to throw down to the sounds of Guns N’ Roses “Welcome to the Jungle†but this doesn’t feel that way. It feels real. Ryan talks extemporaneously about the idea of machines, of prisons and educational systems being part of these machines, and one of his kids takes a crack at him at being a part of it all. It’s genuine, in a way, and I like the vibe it creates.
A critical acclaim is quickly dropped and it’s perfectly executed; it doesn’t stay on the screen for long, establishes some credibility and gets on with the rest of the movie.
Ryan coaches basketball and throws in a little levity to those girls who he is trying to reach out to and it fits in perfectly to the notion that we’re exposed to next: it’s the teacher that is dangerous on the inside. Ryan has a drug problem while he’s trying to “get by†with teaching those he’s entrusted with on a daily basis. It’s a quandary that hasn’t been exposed before in modern storytelling on the screen.
I like that as he tries to quell his own demons he is shown to be bringing down those around him with one of those people being a kid who seemingly looks up to him.
Drop in an Entertainment Weekly nod that pimps Ryan’s performance in the flick with an amazing song choice in “Stars and Sons†by Broken Social Scene. These last few moments that we have with witnessing Ryan’s descent are handled with editorial sharpness.
“Baseheads don’t have friends…â€
The final stretch to the finish line is packed with just the essence of what this movie is about but the real meat of the flick isn’t in just the simple man on drugs who comes clean and gets on with life but, I would argue, it’s the weight of the visualization that brings this quite simple story into our living room. If the movie can at least come correct with a unique angle, and the trailer does a solid job in selling this performance, there isn’t any reason this movie can’t be seen as anything less than a victory for Gosling. The very fact I am talking about him without having to resort to “Lazy Sunday” should say a lot.
BEERFEST (2006)
Director: Jay Chandrasekar
Cast: Jay Chandrasekar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Eric Stolhanske
Release: August 25, 2006
Synopsis: When American brothers Todd and Jan Wolfhouse travel to Germany to spread their grandfather’s ashes at Oktoberfest, they stumble upon a super-secret, centuries old, underground beer games competition – “Beerfest,†the secret Olympics of beer drinking.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. No.
It all started with Kevin being stuck in traffic, really. Smith was supposed to speak to the throngs of geeks herded into the largest hall available at the San Diego Convention Center and upon getting the moderators’ word that the Q&A was going to be postponed until well after it was supposed to happen the representative for Comic-Con offered up a real long look at BEERFEST. It was a) understandable that nerds had something to do with the inordinate amount of traffic streaming into San Diego proper and b) nice that since digging on SUPER TROOPERS so much I wanted to see how much I’d like this flick.
Happen to turn out that I didn’t like it all, actually. The extended footage that we were shown wasn’t that compelling as a comedy and there almost seemed to be rhythm problem with the jokes that were being made. I wasn’t really getting what was supposed to be funny and I just sat there with a straight line across my lips. I wasn’t laughing but I wasn’t getting its vibe, I figured. I felt that I would reserve my real judgment until a trailer, something that finds the best way to get the funny across, shows me what to expect.
Not much, actually.
Maybe it takes the full impact of the film’s set-up and knock down before you get the full effect but right from the opening there isn’t anything amusing about the establishing that this isn’t as Olympic as they try to make it. I’m sure there was someone who thought they were being awfully funny with the voiceover and then snapping us out of that reality to the “gotcha!†moment.
We’re treated to dudes drinking lots of beer in a competitive game of countries pitted against one another with there being wacky representatives of said countries; yeah, worked great for DODGEBALL, didn’t it? It kind of takes this idea, having ostentatious caricatures of people you’d meet in other lands, and runs with it. It’s lame and tired and just not funny.
Oh, and then we get Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s “It Takes Two†playing in the background, which I don’t understand as last time I checked this was 2006 not 1988, to which is played over the scenes of how this super group of drinkers all converge. Again, I’m not sure what drinking game they’re playing where dudes sit around a table making faces at one another but I guess it might be funny to some people.
There’s a joke about Ms. Barley, Ms. Hopps and, you guessed it right if you pay attention, Ms. Yeast that’s about as funny as something I could come up with on my own which doesn’t say much. I would also make the comment that there’s a lot of screaming, as well, going on but that’s quickly addressed by the extended moment near the end of the trailer where many dudes just scream out loud for no reason. Again, funny? I’m not sure.
The final leak of this trailer, dudes lined up to no doubt evacuate their loins after a hearty drinking contest, IS funny. I am glad there was at least something I could say was positive but the temptation here to Gene Shalit you all with the line that this movie looks like it’s going to do the exact same thing, go down quickly and out just as fast, is too tempting.
I think I’ll pass. In fact, I know I will.
Director: Tony Bill
Cast: James Franco, Jean Reno, Martin Henderson, Jennifer Decker, Tyler Labine
Release: September 29, 2006
Synopsis: Academy Award-winning director Tony Bill tells the story of young Americans who, before the U.S. entered WWI, volunteered for the French military and became the country’s first fighter pilots. Fighting a war that wasn’t theirs, these young, naive adventure-seekers learned the true meaning of love, brotherhood, heroism, courage and tolerance.
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* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. I bow to the Gods of the corporation who make my Ativan.
I am now able to get on a plane without too much fear of having the skin ripped from my body in a violent impact of the plane’s fuselage.
That said, I am actually mildly interested in this film which says a lot for a flick that sports James Franco, an actor who looks like he could be really compelling in a movie that isn’t complete crap.
“Looking back, we had no idea what to expect…â€
The idea of this film is a first step in the right direction for making a movie about this “based on a true story†kind of situation: America’s first ever fighter pilots that tangle with enemies even before America entered WWI? Now, this is a movie premise but where the hell is it?
It’s nowhere to be found. We get Franco’s voiceover of how these dudes had no idea what to expect when they first arrived at Camp Wherever for training to be pilots in a war of not their choosing but the voiceover fails at getting traction with me. I’ve heard the “no idea what to expect†line a few dozen times and every single time, yeah, there are a few things I would be able to say that to but for the most part you could say that about a night cleanup boy having to walk into a women’s room after hosting an all-you-can-eat buffet at the local Taco Bell during a ladies Learn to Appreciate Your Size rally where the exit doors, and men’s room, were inexplicably welded shut for a couple of days. Give me something unique to put in my hand.
As we plod on through the trailer I think for a moment that I am excited by the image of seeing these Red Barron Pizza planes dropping these mini bombs but I remember back to Michael Bay’s PEARL HARBOR trailer, getting duped by that wicked awesome shot of the bomb falling to the ground, and I am not yet moved.
The moves and motions are gone through as Franco comes off as the modern day Maverick from TOP GUN. Really. It’s every derivative, false, lazy plot devices there are: he gets into fights, has snappy comebacks and even tells his bird that he’s comin’ back with a grin that is so endemic to archetypes of this ilk.
I won’t even respond to the follow-up that happens with one of the monkeys these pilots get in a fight with earlier in the trailer, there being a “let’s just get along†moment that nearly makes me wretch, but there are moments of actual flying that inspire some awe in me.
The planes, while not F-14 Tomcats, are rendered quite nicely on the screen with the fight scenes provided for our consideration. The machine guns taking out paper thin wings, explosions in mid-air tossing bits of what was once airborne and even as these planes strafe those running on the ground below are all very impressive to watch. It’s just the human element, you see, that’s improperly represented, or written.
I’m thinking it’s the written part, too.
The final moments of this trailer don’t do this movie any favors as, again, we get Franco looking up page 167 of How to Be a Silver Screen Hero as it states that when you first tell your girl that you’re going to be fine with a grin early on in the picture you’ve got to then cry just a litte bit, getting misty would work better, and say you’re always going to be together as that cheesy ass music makes a “moment†of it all. I think I vomited just a little in my mouth.
Again we’re told that these guys were the first to fly (thanks for the redundancy, a-holes! This isn’t MEMENTO.) and the final monologue by Franco that says when you risk it all…just forget it. It’s just a by-the-book statement that I can’t even bring myself to transcribe.
Director: Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, Tony Burton, Milo Ventimiglia, James Francis Kelly III
Release: December 22, 2006
Synopsis: The greatest underdog story of our time is back for one final round of the Academy Award-winning Rocky franchise. Former heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa steps out of retirement and back into the ring, putting himself against a new rival in a dramatically different era.
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* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Positive. What’s funny is that this guy is 60 years old and he could beat my ass without so much as getting that other hand I tied behind his back free and loose.
I do have to admit, though, that my interest in this franchise peaked along with a lot of other kids in the 80’s with ROCKY IV. How could anyone top having Apollo Creed beaten to a death by a Russian, the quintessential embodiment of what Cold War propaganda taught us all to think Russia was filled with, blonde and oily bo-hunks that were obviously well-fed while being in no danger of having its government crumble like a wheat cracker. It was, really, an excellent movie by pure dumb-fun standards. You had that musical interlude where Rocky mentally avenges his friends’ death by working extra special hard in that barn while Drago dopes up and gets more huge, you got Carl Weathers and James Brown doing a dance that, I would argue, should have been up for some kind of special category Oscar and then you had Rocky winning at the end when it was really Dolph, good ol’ master’s in chemical engineering totin’ Dolph, who took the fall. There was no way in hell Rocky should have won, None. But who cares when you see that Rocky V was a complete mess and that this trailer starts with Rocky’s theme song.
Stallone gets one more chance and this, I hope, is it: literally and figuratively.
I don’t really understand the way that we’re getting to the set-up. It supposes that a computer game puts Rocky up against some youthful n00b and has Rocky as the virtual winner. Rocky sees this and it actually gives him a moment of pause. Now, I get that. Rocky starts to feel that phantom hand itch a little bit, wanting to pound the living piss out of some other miscast opponent that not even Don King would promote, and there is a real grittiness to the events that unfold.
He looks like the kind of person who would dust off the old equipment, ask to fight someone or something local and then just start to feel it out to see what he could do. I think where the series went wrong with V kind of gets back on the right track by actually humanizing the boxer in the character and not making it such a spectacle.
I think that AJ Benza’s inclusion as the fast talking, swarthy agent, does the trailer a service by establishing how Rocky goes from thinking he wants to do something local and then having it explode into something else. There are no voiceovers, no false musical cues and no slo-mo to speak of by the 3/4ths mark of this trailer and somehow, someway, I actually start to believe this crap.
His trainer’s back for another go in this movie and I find myself reflecting on the physical conditions Rocky suffers from in a way that brings me even closer to the reality of this unreality.
The cinematography speaks a lot about how lo-key this film feels between the fingers. It’s gritty in a way and as you see Stallone struggle to even get through physical conditioning there’s a spark in this franchise I believed V killed off completely. The quick cuts that follow this moment are sharp, telling (were the roses I saw for the grave of Adrian? Hmm,,,), devoid of any bravado splash of immortality that made you think there could be more films after this and an ending that finally makes me want to spend money to see if Stallone is going to win.
The latter speaks to how I hope Stallone sees himself more as a writer than he is a man of mega-blockbuster. I am amazed, and still am, that he should be more loved for his abilities with the pen than he is with his acting ability, but I am pulling for Stallone for the first time as a writer. I want to believe that Rocky is taken to a logical conclusion for better or defeat.
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