Hello again, friends!  Welcome back to another “hot and sweaty” edition of Music for the Masses, where I, your humble host, have recently returned from the mad-cap festivities of Comic Con, San Diego.  And, as predicted, I spent most of the weekend playing “What In The Hell Is THAT Smell??” with an army of portly, aromatic dorks.  Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the top three smells where, in this order, 1) B.O., 2) Tie between “Bologna Burp” and “Sniper Taco Fart” and 3) Sexual Desperation.  Now, what I DID NOT predict, or even expect, was the number of relatively “normal” people on hand for the event.  Seriously. . .who knew?  

First rule of advertising:  Know your target market.
 

Sure every other guy (and girl, for that matter) tended to look like the “Comic Book Guy” from The Simpson’s, but the people I really wanted to see, the “costumed freaks,” were in fairly short supply.  In fact, I had to spend an inordinate amount of time combing the convention hall floor to get a good belly chuckle at a dressed-up geek’s desperate plea for attention.  Good thing I did, though, dear reader, because some of the shit I was able to find, you just wouldn’t believe without photographic evidence.  For instance, would you have believed that a guy spent the entire weekend running around in a diaper?  No, I’m not referring to your grandpa there, Jimmy. . .just some random dude in an adult diaper. . .

When dealing with the long lines at Comic Con, never underestimate the convenience of wearing your own restroom.
 

Of course you wouldn’t.  Who the hell WOULD believe that?  Or how about this snapshot of a “man” I encountered in the Men’s restroom, I shit you not, 10 minutes after hitting the convention floor on Thursday morning. . .

Lipstick. . .$5.  Red Hair Ribbon. . .$7.95.  350 lbs. male Snow White who grunts “No mistake, man. . .this IS the Men’s room” as you enter. . .priceless.  Thanks for the clarification, princess.  And check out Johnny BuzzCut there. It appears that I caught him contemplating which “sweater dwarf” he wants to see more, Perky or Pointy.  Good stuff.

And, of course, what would any self-respecting comic convention be without some Klingons?  Nothing, that’s what.  Sadly, though, these were the only Klingons I could find. . . 

Maybe their “race” is dying out due to an apparent aversion to soap and lack of a discernable female gender.  In case you’re wondering, I think the “girl” is there on the right. . .in purple. . .with the beard.  But don’t hold me to that.

Speaking of “discernable female genders”. . .I knew going in that the comic book and sci-fi world’s are packed with super-hot chicks.  Any self-respecting geek does.  But after battling through hordes of hairy-chinned “women” on the convention floor, all of whom could easily play offensive line for the Indianapolis Colts, I had all but given up hope of actually seeing a babe.  So, imagine my surprise at stumbling across this gal. . .

No matter how much I tipped, Leia upheld a strict “No Touch” policy during the entire lap dance.
 

. . .and finding out that a) she couldn’t break a $20 and b) she wasn’t even a stripper.  Oh well, thanks anyway, baby Jesus and George Lucas!!  But hey. . .don’t think Princess Hot Box there was the only beauty I spied with my “little eye.”  A few moments later, after battling through a pack of sweaty teens, all of whom smelled vaguely of banana-scented Clorox ®, I happened upon this hottie outside of the Marvel booth. . .

I see London. . .I see France. . .
 

Feeling dizzy as the blood rushed from one brain to the other, I battled my way through the teeming, acne-scarred masses and headed outside.  Spotting two, actual babes. . .not drawings, but in person, no less. . .had me disoriented.  I needed air.  Once outside, I decided it was time to head back to the hotel for some “quality alone time,” but as I rounded the corner. . .BAMF!!. . .I ran straight into these. . .

Yep, that’s Power Girl.  Now, I’m not 100% sure that she possessed any ACTUAL super powers, but in the movie I made up of her in my mind, she DOES have the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Oh, and umm. . .not sure how I captured that last picture there.  Damn camera must have been stuck in “zoom” mode or something.  Yeah, that’s it.

Seriously, folks. . .3 super hot chicks in the span of 15 minutes. . .all in one day.  In fact, as far as I could tell, these were the only 3, super hot chicks at the entire convention.  The rest looked like this. . .

Eerie. . .the one looks EXACTLY like Kevin. . .if he were Hispanic. . .and a chick.
 

Suffice it to say, though, even without a multitude of hot, half-naked ladies or “costumed dorks,’ Comic Con was an INCREDIBLE time and I highly recommend that you check it out at some point.  Oh, and if you do?  Tell Slave Leia I said “hey” and ask her if she found my class ring.  I haven’t seen it since we. . .umm, never mind. 

But enough about all that, friends, for it’s time now to put Comic Con behind us and turn our attention to some new music. This time out, we’ll be checking out new releases from some old favorites, Tom Petty and Sammy Hagar.  Plus, Double A is back and checks in with the new one from Dead Prez and the Outlawz.  So what do you say, friends?  Let’s get to it!!   Of course, before we begin, I know you’re excited, but I’m going to have to ask that you turn off your light sabers now.  Go ahead. . .I can wait.  All right, then. 

Artist: Tom Petty Album: Highway Companion Bastard Love Child of: Don’t make me smack you. . . Best for: Wondering how many times Tom and the band had to re-shoot that cake scene because they kept eating “Alice’s” naughty bits.

 

Here’s something for you to chew on. . .over the course of a career that’s now spanned 30 years (50 million in sales. . .16 Grammy nominations), Tom Petty has yet to crank out a crappy album.  Sure, some are better than others (especially Full Moon Fever which suckles at the teat of greatness) but each and every one of his discs has hit the mark by serving up a heapin’ slab of solid, Petty pop/rock. Thirty years of that type of consistency is an amazing accomplishment, no matter how you slice it.  Hell, to put it in a different context for you, in 30 years, my only “amazing” accomplishments were learning how to burp the alphabet and to count to 21 without being naked.  

With his new, solo release (Petty’s third sans Heartbreakers), Highway Companion, Petty keeps his amazing streak intact by cranking out music that represents his best work in years.  Sure, Petty’s starting to get a little long in the tooth and he’s looking more and more like the Crypt Keeper every day, but the dude still rocks. . .even without the Heartbreakers.  And this new disc does, indeed, rock.  However, without his long-time band backing him, the album’s sound is bit softer than some of his previous work, coming across as a stripped down version of 1989’s Full Moon Fever, and Petty is forced to play all of the instruments (rhythm guitar, drums, harmonica, electric piano, bass, and lead guitar) himself.

Petty’s brother from another mother.
 

Highway Companion starts off strong with “Saving Grace,” a song featuring a groovy, little boogie that will probably have ZZ Top, or even John Lee Hooker, questioning copyright infringement.  This track not only serves as the perfect, rocking start to the record but also serves as the first, wide-release single. . .and a great one, to boot.  Subsequent songs, like the sparsely accoustic “Square One,” the classic-sounding “Turn This Car Around” and the insanely catchy “Jack,” all unfold easily and re-enforce the albums “traveling the road of life” theme.

And speaking of traveling, Petty’s one-time band mate in the Traveling Wilburys, Jeff Lynne, he of the white-man afro and Amber Vision â„¢ shades, shows up to add some production muscle and, with the Heartbreaker’s Mike Campbell, keeps things nice and tidy.  The album hits a bit of a snag towards the end of the disc, as the last couple of songs drop into a mid-tempo rut, however, for the most part, Highway Companion is one hell of a trip and a must have for any Petty fan.

Rating:  4 out of 5

Artist: Sammy Hagar & The Wabos Album: Livin’ It Up Bastard Love Child of: Jimmy Buffet and the Red Rocker. Best for: Realizing that you don’t make margaritas with really good tequila. It’s a waste. Oh, and that Sammy is doing just fine without the Van Halen’s.

 

  If you are a fan of Van Halen, you’ve inevitably had a drunken conversation, bordering on an argument, with your friends regarding who was the better front man. . .“Diamond” David Lee Roth, the flamboyant, spandex-wearin’, karate-kickin’showman, or the laid back, frizzed-out, guitar-slingin’ “Red Rocker,” Sammy Hagar.  I’ve heard good arguments for both sides, but I’ve always found it kind of hard to give a shit.  You see, for me, I’m a fan of both versions of Van Halen and I give both front men kudus for bringing their own sound and personality to the mix.  However, recently I’ve begun to change my mind and as far as I am concerned, David Lee Roth can piss off, “doll hair” and all.  I’m throwing my vote to Sammy.  “Why” you ask?  That’s easy.  Tequila.  Plain and simple, Sammy makes a kick ass tequila and daddy loves tequila.  If you’ve never tried Cabo Wabo Reposado, you have no concept of what you’re missing.  Sure it’s a little pricey, but it goes down smooth and is the perfect ingredient for a night of fun.  Just ask this guy. . .

 

Who said that gaining admittance to the Lance Bass Fan Club would be easy?
 

Now, if you haven’t been keeping track, it’s been 10 years since Sammy was unceremoniously booted from Van Halen for having, according to Eddie, “a shitty work ethic.”  Or, as I’m sure it sounded coming out of Eddie’s mouth, “ah thittee wa ekik.”  Really, Eddie?  Let’s see, during that time, the “Red Rocker” has released 6 studio albums.  Eddie?  You’ve released one, Van Halen III. . .and that doesn’t even really count.  So refresh my memory.  who has the shitty work ethic?  Granted, Sammy has never experienced solo success anywhere near the levels that he had with Van Halen, but it’s not for lack of effort.  In fact, two of the 6 discs he has released since leaving the band attempted to capture his stadium rocking days with a big, overblown sound and dizzying guitar work.  Unfortunately, both fell flat.  

The other four discs, including this new one, Livin’ It Up, were recorded with his band, the Wabos (David Lauser on drums, Vic Johnson on guitar and Mona on bass) and it’s in these collaborations where Sammy has really shined.  Hagar and the Wabos craft music that perfectly matches Sammy’s party attitude and lifestyle with many of the songs centering on nothing more than hanging out at bars, getting drunk and partying on the beach.  More or less, he’s making musical “commercials” for his tequila and cantina’s, but what the hell.  Whatever works, man.  

Not all of the songs on this new disc are originals, but all share the same vibe.  For instance, Sammy rocks out new covers of Dylan’s “Rainy Day Woman #12/#35,” Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” and Kenny Chesney’s “One Sip.”  Yeah, I’m not sure what the hell the country songs are doing on this disc either, but surprisingly, they work really well.  But again, this is not just a cover album.  Hagar kicks off the disc with the self-penned, bluesy rocker “Sam I Am” and a more traditional sounding “The Way We Live.”  Hell, he even throws in a tropical-tinged tune, “Living on a Coastline” that could make Jimmy Buffett sport wood.

So, as I’m sure you’ve probably gathered, you don’t pick up a disc like this for it’s social relevancy.  You pick a disc like Livin’ It Up because of it’s “fuck it” attitude and because it is a fun, little throw-away that can serve your summer parties well.  In that regard, Sammy’s music is a lot like his tequila.  

Rating:  3.5 out of 5

AND NOW A WORD FROM DOUBLE A. . .

Artist: Dead Prez & Outlawz Album: Can’t Sell Dope Forever Bastard Love Child of: Lyle Lovette and the fat Dixie Chick. Best for: Reminding you how good other rap albums are.

Whenever I think of Dead Presidents, I think of two things.  The first being that kick ass movie from the 90s about the bank robbers that paint their faces up.  That movie ruled.  Seriously, I painted my face a lot after I saw that movie.  Here’s a picture… (courtesy of http://www.punkrockpenguin.net/)

 

The other thing that I think about is the movie Point Break.  Why is that you ask?  Because of those crazy president masks that Patrick Swayze and his crew were rocking while they robbed banks.  Regan, Nixon, that other guy. . .they’re all dead now.  What does all this have to do with the CD from Dead Prez and Outlawz?  Not a damn thing.  I just like reminiscing about dead Ronald Reagan.  It makes me happy.

Another thing that makes me happy is a good rap disc.  Unfortunately, Can’t Sell Dope Forever doesn’t exactly make me happy.  It isn’t bad, but on the flip side, it sure as hell isn’t good.  Let me put it this way, a way that myself and other large individuals can easily relate too.  Candy.  Not just candy, but the most delicious candy on earth, a Zagnut bar.  Now imagine that someone takes a perfectly good Zagnut bar and spits on it.  Being a fat guy, I’m still going to eat the tasty Zagnut bar, but it certainly won’t be as good as it could have been.  That’s how I feel after listening to this disc.

There are several things on this disc that bug me.  First up?  The beats.  There really is nothing on this album that makes my ears perk up and say “wow.”  The beats are fairly standard, with little variation throughout the course of the song.  And as we have all learned by now, rap and Hip Hop ain’t shit without good beats.  The lone standout is the song “Fork In the Road” which has a strong baseline accompanied by an acoustic guitar.  Nice work, Prez. 

Next up is the lyrics.  Again, not all the lyrics are bad, in fact a lot of them are pretty good.  This is a whole package deal.  I’m looking for great rhythms paired with great rhymes.  But with this disc, you just don’t get that.  The really good lyrics have sub par beats, and the awesome beat has lame-ass words.  The song that comes closest to hitting the musical G-Spot is the last song on the album, “Came-Up.”  Featuring Layzie Bone from Bone Thugs, the raps are good, and the beat is almost there, but it still doesn’t hit that plateau of being a phenomenal song.

So color me annoyed, because this disc could have been so much better.  Both Dead Prez and the Outlawz have released some great stuff in the past so one would naturally assume that together they would be unstoppable.  Sadly, that’s just not the case.  Too bad. Too bad.

Rating:  2 out of 5 

Well. . .there you have it friends. Hope you enjoyed yourself! Until next time, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!

Send your “Hot Chick” Comic Con pictures, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

 

 

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