OMAHA – Damn you, Warren Buffett. I thought we had a deal. You were gonna give me your billions and I was going to buy the New York Yankees and move them to Death Valley. Pressing the plunger to implode Yankee Stadium was my dream. I already had the NY Post Headline worked out: “Bronx Bombered!” It was my “Make A Wish” plea. And you had to give your billions to a billionaire to give ’em away for charity causes. Aren’t I charity?
Who made you rich in the first place? Who drank all that Coke when you profited off the company? Who bought airline tickets on your jets? Did you print that money in your basement? I kicked in on your billions, Buffett! We transfered funds, Wizard. I gave you cash. Time to pay back. Charity starts at home. My home!
I shall curse you, Warren. You shall never be allowed to die. And you’ll lose all your money to Bill and Melinda Gates and be forced to work eternity as a Wal-Mart greeter. Can you handle that curse? There’ s only one to remove it – make the Mets the only team in New York.
I AM INDY
The folks at Indy Racing have hired Kiss’ Gene Simmons to help the sport gain ground on NASCAR. Nothing like trying to get “today’s crowd” with a guy whose career peaked in 1977. And he wrote the league’s new theme song, “I’m Indy.” When was the last time you hummed a Gene Simmons’ song from his last album? Was Paul Anka busy when Gene was hired?
Indy racing got lost in the dust of NASCAR for several reasons. Here’s my four favorites:
1. Indy vs. CART BS. What if we threw a feud and nobody cared? The car owners split up the league and America decided to watch their grass grow.
2. Indy is all about 1 race. The rest of the season is pure filler. At least NASCAR has a few more high profile races that the fans love – including one at the home of the Indy 500. Plus after Indy 500, people tune into the NASCAR action in Charlotte. You’re the opening act, Indy.
3. Who are these drivers? There was a lack of real profile in the racing league until Danica Patrick joined. And even she is getting sick of Indy and wants to leap at NASCAR. At least in NASCAR it’s legal to block and your car can take a bump without shredding. The casual fan of Indy Racing only knows about Danica and David Letterman. I hope that if I ever get on Jeopardy, the Final Jeopardy answer doesn’t involve “he won this year’s Michigan whatever.”
4. Which car is that? Can anyone watch the Indy 500 on TV an instantly tell which car is which? Team cars all have the same paint job in Indy. NASCAR has vivid paint jobs with great sponsor logos on the hoods. You know when it’s Dale Jr. breathing down Tony’s ass. Plus NASCAR gets all those great in-car shots. The Indy race cars are like remote control slot racers. The drivers are jammed in the cockpits so we can’t get any real reaction from them.
A new logo and a lame theme song isn’t going to elevate Indy racing’s profile higher than Gene’s platforms. Forget NASCAR, the league just needs to admit that its real competition for viewership is speed eating.
HEAVY KICKING
Angeline Jolie is going to make another animated flick. Whoopie! Kung-Fu Panda is about a panda (voiced by Jack Black) who dreams of being a martial arts fighter, but his roly poly body type supposedly doesn’t make him a good buttkicker. What? Has anyone seen Sammo Hung?
The sad part is that Jackie Chan is doing a voice in this CGI-schlock. Can’t Jackie say, “Sammo’s a panda shaped guy and he’ll smack your ass around like Zsa Zsa Gabor on a Beverly Hills cop.” And haven’t we seen Jack Black kicking pencil neck geeks around in Nacho Libre? Where’s the fun in thinking he’s a lazy, no fight bear? This is the same reason why it didn’t matter when Daphne kicked ass in that Scooby-Doo movies because we knew Sarah Michelle Gellar was a scrapper every week on Buffy.
WAYANS MAKE THE LIST
The Wayans Brothers have officially gone on the Party Favors shit list. How dare they rip off Baby Buggy Bunny (1954) for their Little Man movie and not even come close to giving props to Chuck Jones and Michael Maltese! I catch them on various shows refusing to admit where they got their inspiration for this film. Here’s a small hint – it’s The Looney Tunes Golden Collection, Volume Two. See how they stole entire frames including the shot of Baby-Faced Finster using an electric razor while smoking a cigar.
If you wanna rip off a cartoon – go ahead. But remember to mention you got the idea from watching it and taking it to the next level (or whatever direction the Wayans’ creative elevator goes). But don’t steal so obviously from Jones and Maltese.
RESPECT FOR LLOYD
Why doesn’t Rex Lee get his name on a sign at the start of Entourage? His performance of Lloyd, Ari Gold’s assistant makes the show happen. He’s the real character in this make believe world of make believers. The man is gold when he’s on the screen – no matter how short of a moment. I’ve never seen a man take that much abuse outside of Joe Torre. I do hope that in the final episode, he gets to slit Ari’s throat.
LUSTING FOR THE APOCALYPSE
CBS’s Lara Logan is the hottest battlefield reporter to ever alert the world to incoming. If indeed this is start of World War III, it’ll be pure bliss if Lara gets to countdown the final minutes we have on Earth.
JOEL TRIES TO STAY HIP
While watching VH1’s I Love the 70s Part 32, I couldn’t understand why Joel Stein is wearing a softball jersey with a white t-shirt underneath? I understand that he’s trying as hard as possible to look young. How much has he spent to make his hair move forward? Maybe someday he’ll look as pathetic as Bruce Jenner when he tucks away those wrinkles. But a softball jersey is to be worn alone.
ROMAN DENIED
How did Harry Dean Stanton not get an Emmy nomination for Big Love? I won’t deny the Shatner a chance to pull a trio for the mantle. But why did Alan Alda get picked for his stint on West Wing? I didn’t even know that show was still on. Harry Dean was the creep of the year as Roman Grant, the bigamist king. You can believe that Harry would marry a 15 year old. Because of their weird nominating process, the Emmys are a joke. The Best Series is decided by submitting only a single episode. How is that a series? At least they’re not as bad as the Grammys where the board of governors can alter the nominees – no matter what the voters want.
BEAT YOUR MEAT
Have you seen Hardee’s latest campaign where a G.I. talks about having to find someone other than his wife to “smoke my sausage?” With the recent bust of the paratroopers at Ft. Bragg for being on a gay porn website, you’d figure that such a joke would really be in bad taste. Of course it goes with the radio ad featuring a girl calling a Philly cheesesteak joint and saying, “I love meat.” Who is running Hardee’s ad agency? Is it Brian Kinney? It seems to be his “Eat the Meat” campaign from Queer As Folk.
Does anyone in the advertising business know if Kinney is considered an industry icon like Ralph Kramden is with bus drivers? I was shocked when Gale Harold came out as heterosexual when the series ended. If there was one cast member who looked like he could jackhammer his way down Vaseline Alley, it was Harold. How come every actor and singer in showbiz is gay except the guy who we’ve seen fake boffing guys on TV and looking good at it. On the other hand we have Ryan Seacrest who looks really uncomfortable standing next to men on the American Idol set.
PLAY THE KID
I’m weirded out by the love affair with Jason McElwain, the high school basketball kid who deals with austism. He nailed six three-pointers in a short amount of time and became an overnight sensation. Oprah, W and Lance wanted face time with him. He won an ESPY. Jason does deserve praise. The kid had an amazing sniper performance. But why isn’t anyone giving his coach crap for not playing this kid during the season and the playoffs?
This kid’s a sniper and they just made him towel boy except for these rare minutes? Put the kid in the game. He was a little Chris Ford out there. Where’s the interview with the coach from Greece Athena High School explaining why he didn’t play Jason more than that one moment? He held this talented kid back. And then after this shining moment, he put this kid back to passing out water bottles to the players. Maybe the coach figures he has his money moment. He knows a studio will pay him more than his teacher’s salary for his part of the story. He’ll get to cast Dennis Quaid as himself. Why risk it by putting Jason back on the court and diminishing his star power? Magic Johnson is making a movie about them. If Jason had come out for a second game and had an A-Rod 0-4 brick night, would Hollywood be calling?
And why did the kids on the other team not get in his face? I can understand laying off of him for the first few shots. But after the guy sunk the 4th three pointer, where was the deny offense? Who is going to play them in the movie? The children of former Washington Generals?
DEAL ME IN
Jesus and the World Series of Poker is back on ESPN. Don’t call the house when Jesus is bluffing! And remember kids that if you want to win the Tour De France as an American, you must have a messed up situation to overcome. And now we’ll actually follow Floyd Landis next season to see how his bionic hip does in the Alps.
SHUT UP STU!
Can Stewart Scott quit saying, “Holler at a player when you see them on the street?” It’s played out. Seriously, it’s not funny anymore. Nor witty. Why don’t you just say, “Shazam!” like Gomer Pyle?
FIFA FIX?
While I miss the World Cup, there’s nothing to miss about a pack of refs that look like they’re auditioning for Vince McMahon to get cushy WWE gigs.
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