PARIS – I show up in France with a bicycle and a Skippy jar filled to the brim with clean urine sample and those bums still won’t let me try to become Lance Jr. They know that once my golden jar goes through the chemistry set, I get the yellow jersey – no matter how many months it takes me to ride around their country. Are there any pro bikers that aren’t on the juice? 

Have we reached a part where the next big sport should be called “Who Can Pee Clean?” Forget actual contests, just line up a group of guys to see who can test the cleanest. Isn’t that all the Olympics is about now? Not who is the best, but who has the least amount of rumors about them juicing before the contests? Or having their blood swapped with Keith Richards?

And what’s up with the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency being named Dick Pound? Isn’t this a case of bragging? If it really weighs a pound, why doesn’t he make real money in the world of porn? And how exactly did a guy who never even won a stinking bronze medal as part of the Canadian swim team in 1960 (when the Olympics allowed water wings) get to be the big mouth in charge of taking the piss out of sports? He’s already a suspect in my book – a Canadian swimmer? How long is water liquid in the Great White North? If you’re in Canada and below the water line, you’ve drowned beneath the ice. Why wasn’t Dick Pound a hockey superstar? Couldn’t find a jock that holds sixteen ounces? If he wants to clean up sports, he really should clean up his name. I think it’s foul how he expects the world to respect a name that Bart Simpson would use to crank call Moe. Was Dick’s wife’s maiden name Plenty O’Toole? (Yes, it’s a James Bond joke).

And who is the head of the World Doping Agency? Or has someone already hired the former coaches of the East German women’s swim team?

ALBUM OF 2006 SO FAR

The winner is Guns ‘N Roses’ Chinese Democracy. Sure it hasn’t come out, but that didn’t stop me from hearing a few rough mixes thanks to various means.  I’ve become obsessed with the leaked tracks over the last few months. Damn shame if at least one action flick doesn’t use “There Was a Time” on the soundtrack. Sure this band is actually just the Axl Rose Show, but there’s no money in selling those t-shirts. When will this record finally come out? Give us the full sound of “Better,” Axl! There’s more layers to these songs. It’s got the same hypnotic quality of Sonic Youth’s Daydream Nation. This is a sonic tapestry that might actually come close to giving a proper snapshot of 21st Century living – the disconnect from the harsh realities. That somehow were supposed to be at war yet we only feel a battle every week when we hit the gas pumps. The desire to surrender privacy to embrace foolish stardom. To consider ourselves artists while allowing corporate goofballs first edit on alleged genius.

Axl is our last hope unless he sells out and lets VH1 make a reality show about him.

WE NEED MORE RIBBON

After catching his act on The Today Show, Tony Orlando is now a candidate for Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. I’m guessing that all that home cooking in Branson, has caught up with the man. He won’t be revisiting his polyester leisure suit collection anytime soon. He might as well get that yellow ribbon tied around the Old Country Buffet. I predict that soon we’ll see Ant jabbering with the man who once ruled Dawn.

SEAL THE BORDERS

America’s Got Talent is the work of Satan. It rips off the “Come on down!” moment from Price is Right. It out right steals the three barely celebrity judges and bad acts from The Gong Show. And it robs America of it’s dignity. Satan must have had a hand in having Simon Cowell produce a show that’s hosted by Regis Philbin and judged by David Hasselhoff. Can’t this trio take a night off and leave the entertaining to someone else?  The second judge is Brandy. I despise this woman who annoyingly flaunted her wonderful marriage and upcoming baby on MTV’s Brandy: Special Delivery.  And then when the show ended, she dumped her husband. The highlight of her career – when Allan Havey made her cry during an episode of Punk’d.

What really makes me hate this show is Piers Morgan. Who is this British Boob? Why did Simon Cowell have to import his mini-me? Forget people being smuggled in from Mexico to take work away from us. Why did INS allow Piers to earn a paycheck in our country? Enough with importing English pricks for reality TV.  I thought there were laws at immigration that makes you have to prove that an American can’t do a job before you can import an employee. Am I supposed to believe that there’s not a single American capable of watching bad talent and pressing a buzzer to light up a big X? Can’t retired NASA chimps do this job?

Is there a shortage of American pricks? If so, why do I seem to find them clustered at comic book stores every saturday morning? Why did we allow Simon Cowell to import a disgraced English newspaper hack to sit in judgement of ourselves? Do I need to remind you that 200 plus years ago we rose up against a pack of English jerks that judged us? We ran those limey bastards out of this country. And now we’re putting them on TV and want to make cult figures out of them. America’s talent must not involve detecting frauds like Piers. I don’t have a problem with too many English people including Diana Rigg, Benny Hill and the guys in Monty Python. But they wanted to entertain us – not be gate keepers to our culture.

Rise up, America. Let’s put an end to this English occupation of Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and their ilk. Do you think Patrick Henry would be turn on America’s  Got Talent? Enough with this Red Coat TV.

ENOUGH CLOWN TIME FOR DAVID

NBC needs to quit dragging David Gregory up to New York City to host the Today Show. The man is the only active pit bull in the White House press room. And when he’s called up to fill in for Matt Laurer, we’re stuck with a horde of lapdogs that send Tony Snow love letter that would make Jeff Gannon blush.

Remember when serious newsmen were serious in what they covered? Sure they might have had to do stupid on camera gigs on their way up the ladder. But once they reached a top network gig, they didn’t have to demean themselves for a sweeps week stunt. Now here’s NBC forcing their main man in the White House to do dofus cooking segments when Matt Lauer is on vacation. Why must NBC embarrass Gregory so when he returns to D.C., he can be cheerfully cut down with chuckles and quips from the president about why Gregory isn’t interviewing the farmer who grew the world’s largest watermelon.

Or maybe I’m wrong in thinking that NBC news isn’t beneath making their talent turn into circus clown.

TOPPLED OVER

Am I really watching The World Domino Tournament on ESPN2? Dominos on ESPN? This is a continuing show and not a segment with Kenny Mayne goofing off around the guys. When is EPSN going to give us the Monopoly championship? How about Rook? Operation would be good, but only under the Higgins Boys and Gruber rules – instead of D cell batteries, it’s 2 car batteries attached to the patient. Your nose will go red, too.

There’s only one sport I want to see on ESPN – competitive lesbianism. I know it’s a judged sport, but it’s very visual and looks good in slo-mo.

GOLLY, IT’S DUKE!

With the success of Robert Pine, cameo superstar, it’s time to pay tribute to Ronnie Schell. You would remember him best as Private Duke Slater on Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. But Ronnie show to become a continual presence as a guest acting legend.  Oddly enough, he’s yet to appear on any version of C.S.I. and Law and Order.

VICE SLOPS

Ten Reasons Why this new Miami Vice film doesn’t work for me:

10. Colin Farrell’s hair. What exactly was Michael Mann doing when he approved the semi-mullet?

9. Lack of cameo from Michael Talbott! How can they make the film without a visit from Det. Switek?

8. Where’s the pastel? The trailer is so dreary. Was the wardrobe mistress getting her clothes from the goth shop?

7. Uptight ain’t right. There’s no give and go between the Crockett and Tubbs at any point in the trailer. Every character looks as uptight as Lt. Castillo. Every one looks like they’re acting tough by holding back a fart.

6. Where’s Brad and Will? When Mann was first casting the film, the rumor was that Brad Pitt and Will Smith wanted the roles. Those two would have been able to bring their Se7en and Bad Boys background to the tip of Florida. People want to see them talking crap to each other. Has anyone pondered a tag team of Colin and Jamie Foxx?

5. It’s shot on video. Sure it’s the VIPER FilmStream camera. But it’s still just “Big TV” and not cinema.

4. Jamie Foxx’s performance. Has any Oscar winner ever been compared to Philip Michael Thomas?

3. No score from Jan Hammer.

2. Where’s Saundra Santiago?

1. Where the hell is season 3 of the TV show? How can Universal not keep putting out the original Vice love?

For all I know, this is a really good film. But so many of the elements that made Miami Vice a series better than Booker have been chucked out the window. What’s the point in calling it Miami Vice?

SQUID LOVE

Fourteen new episodes of Squidbillies are in production. This will be the first cartoon to win a Noble prize. The first six Squidbillies go up there with the first batch of Ren and Stimpy cartoons. I wish I had more respect for John K, but the man hasn’t been able to entertain me in nearly 15 years. He gets so high and mighty – especially when worshipping Bob Clampett that you think John K didn’t create The Ripping Friends. Hopefully the folks behind Squidbillies won’t crap out on us.

And does anyone know why Charles Napier doesn’t get real credit for voicing the sheriff on Squidbillies? And when is he going to get a lifetime achievement award from some entertainment group?

SKANKLEE

Supposedly Playboy magazine offered Ashlee Simpson $4 million to pose nude. What? Maybe that’s Hong Kong dollars. Who wants to see this skank for $4 million when in a few more months, she’ll be begging for a deal making Vivid Videos.

The creepy element has to be that Joe Simpson is somehow involved in this rumor. How many fathers like to brag while shopping at Wal-Mart that Playboy wants his daughter naked for the fat dollars? Then again, what’s the point of her getting the new face and body without showing it off?

The only way Ashlee would be worth the money is if she ends up posing for the guys who take the pics for those water bondage sites.  As it is right now, I bet there’s four million people willing to send a dollar to Playboy so they can burn the photos before they tear into our retinas.

NOT SWITCHED AT BIRTH

How exactly is Eric Wareheim not related to Brian Posehn? Brian has appeared on Tom Goes to the Mayor so I know they aren’t the same person.

BAKED IN THE BOXES

What’s the point of afternoon baseball during the work week? Do people really want to skip work to see the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? Nothing like spending the hottest part of the day sweating in the stands and paying $50 for the sizzling seat. Not to mention the $10 beers to keep you cool. When you’re faking sick, why do you want to risk heat stroke? Cause your boss is going to know you’re a liar when you show up as red as lobster.

RATE THE NEW KIDS

The Surreal Life 7 cast has been announced and it has the potential to be one that I might watch before they have the marathon weekend.

Randy Savage (WWF wrestler and Slim Jim spokesman) – Wonder how bitter he’ll be that VH1 makes him share a show with these folks while the Hulkster runs wild! Bet he’s going to talk about his rap career.

Lita Ford (Metal Guitar Goddess) – While not a friend of her music, I do remember soloing to her videos.

Phil Hellmuth Jr (poker player) – I’m looking forward to seeing the biggest dick in cards try to exist around people. I still remember that big game that Annie Duke played his ass hard.

Carrot Top (comic genius) – How many trunks will he get to move into the house? Has anyone tested this man’s urine for roids?

Tina Jordan (former Playboy Playmate) – One of Hef’s discards attempts to get her some Girls Next Door action. I used to enjoy her visits to Howard Stern’s E! show. Wonder if she’ll get naked for the pool or turn out to be the prude tease.

Niki McKibbin (American Idol season 1) – Who? How did this person get the week off from working at Dennys?

Bushwick Bill (Rapper from the Geto Boys) – I thought this guy was dead. I swear there was a report of his death on one of those dead rapper shows. He was the little person in the badass group. Are they sure he’s not dead?

Chris Wink (blue man group) – Will he have to wear the blue make up for the whole show? Watch out at breakfast. i’ve seen what he’s done to a box of Cap’n Crunch.

Tanya Roberts (Actress) – Her “Las Vegas calling” ads sound like bomb threats.

Dabney Coleman (Actor) – My pick for the house member most likely to go nuts and strangle the Blue Man Group guy.
 

Comments: None

Leave a Reply Name (required) Mail (will not be published) (required) Website Δ