Welcome back, friends!  Yeah, well. . .umm. . .so much for that weekly column idea, huh?  Hey, look. . .settle the hell down, will ya’?  In all fairness, I did warn you and I gotta be honest with you, the pursuit of my primary goal is proving tougher than I imagined.  Who knew?  Hell, I thought it would be a walk in the park becoming a Mormon prophet.   After all, this guy was able to land the job. . . 

The competition: He’s soooo going down.

So I ask you friends, why not me, huh?  Sure, the stiffs SAY you have to be an active “member” and “ordained by God” and some such bullshit, but screw the “old” thinking.  It’s time for some fresh, new ideas and a bold new direction, don’t you think?  Damn straight.  And I am just the person to do that.  Afterall, I went to BYU (seriously) for one, WHOLE semester and I’ll be God damned if I let that Sexual Repression major (with a minor in Masturbation!) go to waste.  Nope.  Not going to happen.

Now, you are probably asking yourself, “But M.C., how is one, such as yourself, by which we mean an agnostic, generally drunk and arrogant prick going to land the job of the most powerful man and living prophet in the Mormon church?  Two words. . .”dick out.”  That’s right friends, I’m going to go dick out with Mr. Hinkley up there.  “Do you mean literally, M.C.?”  Of course not, friends.  Besides, I’m a “grower,” not a “shower” and unless Mr. Hinkley wants to give me a “mouth hug” before we throw down on the table that might prove too close to call.  No, friends, I’m talking about putting our money where our mouths are.  His ideas versus mine.

For instance, I say it’s high time that the church diversify a bit.  As it stands now, finding a proud, African-American brother in a Mormon congregation is like playing “Where’s Waldo.”  I, brothers and sisters, promise to change that. . .with the help of my friends, Gnarls Barkley, hip hop missionaries.  With their blonde hair and penchant for dairy, they are non-threatening to the existing members, while appealing directly to today’s urban youth.  Oh yeah, and they are well-versed in the ways of the Lord. . .fo’ shizzle.  I’m building bridges here, people. . .that’s all I gotta say.

Gnarls Barkley:  hip hop missionaries, natural blondes, Clockwork Orange fans and milk drinkers.

Another idea that I have is to fully embrace and promote the whole “polygamy” thing.  Come on, now. . .let’s face it.  This was EASILY the coolest thing the church had going for it and they turned their collective backs on it (*WINK WINK*).  Silly Mormons, dicks are for (lotsa) chicks. . .just ask Brigham Young and. . .umm, Wilt Chamberlain.  As your new living prophet, my Mormon and non-Mormon friends, I promise that you can come home, each and every night, to this. . .

*WARNING* ACTUAL SIZE, SHAPE AND APPEARANCE OF MODELS MAY VARY*
 
Now ladies. . .before you go getting all pissed thinking that I have forsaken YOU and YOUR needs, wants and desires, I promise to change ANOTHER, long-held church belief and give you some much needed relief.  Gone are the days of “late-night, sniper-sex,” rampant procreation and child-bearing “one-ups-manship.”  I am going to promote and institute a new program, aimed DIRECTLY at you, the tired, “busy” mom, with this very simple message. . .

Sorry, Mormon dads, but enough’s enough.  Don’t you think it’s high time that you gave the Mormon moms both a rest AND a break between pregnancy and uterine healing?  Let me answer that for you. . .”yes, it is.”  Take it out on your OTHER wives for cryin’ out loud, huh?  I’m telling you, folks, this idea here is golden and I’ll be honest with you it’s got mass appeal.  In fact, I’m also going to send a copy of this to the Pope.

So, what do you say?  You with me?  Do I have your vote?  Thought so.

But enough about all that. . .we have some new music to check out.  Since we last chatted, we’ve had some noteworthy new releases drop, namely the sophomore disc from Keane and one from Dashboard Confessional.  Also, Double A is back this week to check out the new one from Dr. Octagon.  So what do you say?  Let’s get to it, shall we?

 

Artist: Keane Album: Under The Iron Sea Bastard Love Child of: Coldplay and a Kleenex® Best for: Resolving any issues you have with falling asleep.

After listening to the new album from Keane (pianist Tim Rice-Oxley, big-voiced Tom Chaplin and drummer Richard Hughes), I have devised the perfect cross-promotional event for their forthcoming tour. . .”Sominex® and the Sleep Number® Bed Present Keane.”  (Oh, and in case you are wondering. . .I’m a “43.”)  Think about it.  You have America’s top two sleep aides combined with England’s number one, sleep-inducing export.  I’m telling you, folks, this is marketing gold.  The way it would work would be like this. . .you show up to said venue, climb into one of the ready-made beds, Keane comes out and starts to play one of their coma-inducing songs and BAM!. . .you’re off to Nappy Land.  Don’t believe me?  Check out what happened, recently, when they played a track off the new disc at a local day care. .

Seriously, Under An Iron Sea should come with a warning label:  “Do not operate heavy machinery.  Product may cause drowsiness.” 

Why is it so boring, you ask?  Good lord, where do I begin?  Should I start with the mid-tempo monotony of most of the songs on the disc?  No.  That’s a given.  After all, we ARE talking about Keane.  I know. . .how about we start with the melancholic and overwrought lyrics about England’s role in Iraq?  Hmmm, maybe.  Wait. . .I know. . .the inaccessibility of the music?  Umm. . .the lack of any discernable hooks?  On second thought, I guess I don’t know where to begin. 

I can honestly tell you that I was surprised as hell to hear how different the band sounds now.  Somewhere along the line, Keane decided to change things up and eschew the “Coldplay-Lite” musical meanderings found on their first disc, Hopes and Fears.  Honestly?  Not a bad move and I applaud the decision, if not the execution.  It’s always nice to see a band swing some giant, brass balls by taking some chances with their music and this turn towards a heavier, meatier and darker sound could pay off going forward. . .assuming, of course, Rice-Oxley can figure out how to drop a hook or two into a song. . .by making the band more distinct and exciting and not just a bunch of Chris Martin wanna-bes.  I guess we’ll see. 

Of course, it’s also going to be interesting to see if this new sound alienates long-time fans of the band.  For instance, the first single, “Is It Any Wonder,” with it’s up-front and edgy rhythms created through the use of some vintage guitar pedals, sounds more like a track lifted from a Strokes album than a mournful Keane tune and could come as quite a shock.  In fact, for the old-school fans, there is really only one track, “Nothing In My Way,” that recalls the comfortable and plodding drum, piano and vocal dynamic of Keane’s earlier work.

If you’re looking for a snappy, toe-tapping little disc to help get you through the day, skip this one.  However, if you’re the kind of person who enjoys watching paint dry, snails fuck or golf on TV, this is right up your alley.    

Rating:  3 out of 5
   

Artist: Dashboard Confessional Album: Dusk and Summer Bastard Love Child of: The Cure and *INSERT EMO BAND HERE* Best for: Hating your parents and writing poetry about the guy you like who doesn’t even notice you.

All right. . .let’s get this out of the way right now.  A lot has been written about the mythical good looks of Dashboard Confessional’s lead singer, Chris Carrabba.  In fact, everything I have ever read about the guy mentions this fact at least once.  That’s him, right there. . .and yes, people, he is TOTALLY hot.  I would SOOO do him, all the sickest, most depraved, “illegal in Southern states” shit I could think of and I would do it to every single hole God gave him. . .if I were gay.  But I’m not.  So his “super dreamy” good looks are completely irrelevant to me. . .much like his music.

Now, I’m sure that I’ll probably end up getting (more) hate mail for saying this, lord knows the emo kids love to write. . .usually in a poetry journal. . .but I’m not a Dashboard Confessional fan.  Chris’s penchant for wrapping his vulnerable love poems in a warm and fuzzy pop blanket is just a little “too pussy” for my tastes.  But I will say this, if Dashboard Confessional was around when I was in high school, holy statutory, Batman, I would have gotten so much more ‘tang.  And I ain’t talking about the orange-flavored astronaut drink.  I’m talking about the high school chicks out there that eat this shit up with a spoon.  Not that I know from personal experience.  I’ve just heard.  That’s my story, Dateline.  I’m sticking to it.

I wish ALL ‘Tang was Orange flavored. That would be soooo cool.  

Now, regardless of my feelings regarding D.C., as the kids like to call them, I really dig the Emo scene.  But holy crap, these guys take shoe-gazing Emo to a whole new level.  Take the lyrics from the latest disc, Dusk & Summer, which I firmly believe (but haven’t confirmed) to have been written by a 12 year old goth girl.   Seriously. . .“The sky glows/I see it shining when my eyes close?”  What the hell does that even mean, little 12 year old goth girl?  Not a clue.  But who am I kidding?  Cheesy, juvenile lyrics and off-the-chart “pussy” factor aside, the real reason that I’ve never been into these guys (well, really guy) is because all of their songs sound the same.  I’m not exaggerating.  It’s called variety, Chris, and I’m told that it is the “spice of life.”  Perhaps you should sprinkle some on your tear-stained acoustic to help me differentiate between your songs.  Oh yeah, and Chris?  Knock off the bad, Robert Smith imitation.  It’s irritating.

There are a few songs on Dusk and Summer that do “stand out”. . .sorta, with “So Long, So Long” coming immediately to mind.  Featuring some piano work tinkling in the background and guest vocals from the Counting Crow’s Adam Duritz, this is, hands down, the best song on the disc.  In fact, it’s so good in comparison to the rest of the album, I’m going to write a poem about it in my journal.  Sure, the lyrics suck harder then Jenna Jamison in “Up and Cummers 20,” but hey, I can look past that for this one song.  I also seem to recall that “Slow Decay,” with its heavier guitar sound, didn’t totally suck but that’s mostly because it helped to break up the monotony of the rest of the album.  For that, I am grateful.

This album isn’t terrible. . .no where NEAR being on par with Coulier. . .but it really isn’t that good either.  Suffice it to say, if you are NOT a 12 year old goth girl whose parents “TOTALLY don’t understand her,” you won’t get a whole lot out of Dusk and Summer. . .except maybe a gay fantasy and a craving for a powdered, orangey drink.

Rating:  2.5 out of 5

AND NOW. . .A WORD FROM DOUBLE A. . .

Artist: Dr. Octagon/Kool Keith Album: The Return of Doctor Octagon Bastard Love Child of: Waylon Jennings & Herbie Hancock Best for: Background music as you practice your Ventriloquist act

 

Ahhh, Dr. Octagon.  You all remember Dr. Octagon, right?  Fat guy?  Bowl haircut?  Eight arms?  Always fighting Spider-Man?  You know, this guy…

Oh, wait.  That’s Dr. Octopus, not Dr. Octagon.  My bad.  Dr. Octagon is a rapper, Dr. Octopus is a criminal mastermind that constantly tries to take over the world but is persistently thwarted by a guy in a spandex jumpsuit.  I always get those two confused.  Well I guess that’s to be expected, since by my count Dr. Octagon has 54 aliases.  See, he’s also know as Kool Keith.. .Dr. Dooom.  . .the Black Elvis.  Ok, I think that’s it.  I guess I exaggerated a little bit.  But the point is there is a veritable cornucopia of Octagon related goodness out there if you know where to look, but it’s very easy to get confused.

Now, on to the business at hand.  There are two key things that are very different about this album, The Return of Doctor Octagon, than many of the other Kool Keith-esqe releases.  First off, the beats are so much better.  Pretty much everything I have heard prior to this album all contained stagnant beats.  I’m not saying that the beats weren’t good, it’s just that there was no variation to them for the duration of the song.  Picture it like this.  Imagine your getting busy with your lady/guy/hand/inflatable doll.  Using the same move repeatedly gets old after a few minutes, right?  I mean it’s still sex, and that’s good, but it could be much better.  When you throw in a little dip, a twist or a tickle of the Tar-Star, things get that much more exciting.  That the same with the older Kool Keith stuff.  It serves the purpose, but it’s not that exciting.  The Return of Doctor Octagon has all the dips, twists and tickles one could want in a sex act, I mean rap disc.

Now that little sex analogy brings me to the second difference.  Kool Keith is one dirty dude.  I am talking dirty, like, well, like something that’s really, really dirty.  Like the homeless guy in front of your local grocery store.  Well, no, not really dirty like that.  I’m talking dirty like an R. Kelly video.  The typical Kool Keith rap goes into so much detail that most porn stars would blush and cover their ears.  The Return of Doctor Octagon, however, is fairly tame

Doc Oct knows how to rap, plain and simple, and he proves it on this disc.  With the help of One Watt Sun, who supplied the beats, this album, from start to finish, is better than just about any other recent rap album out there.  By far the best songs on the disc are the first three, “Trees,” “Aliens,” and “Ants,” with “Aliens” being the strongest of those.  With great rhymes and a tempo that gradually increases as the song goes on, “Aliens” is a great tune that will get you moving. 

The only low points on The Return of Doctor Octagon are the obligatory “rap disc intro” and the silly, “in-between-song” skits.  While the intro and skits are funny, you really don’t need to listen to them more than once and they quickly become annoying.  However, the only real complaint that I have of this album is that it is way to short.  Clocking in at just over a half hour, there is way too much promise to be this short. 

Rating:  4.5 out of 5

SUPERMAN CONTEST WINNERS!!!

 

Well, folks, that was a fun little contest and I appreciate everyone who entered.  I especially appreciate the fact that those who DID enter, had to go through a little extra leg work to do so.  You see, it appears that the powers that be here dropped our email addresses from the bottom of the page. . .D’OH!!!  But alas, you, kind readers, are nothing if not resourceful.  So, without further ado, here are the winners, in no particular order. . .      

Chris R. – “I was going to submit “Rainbow Kryptonite,” makes him dance faster than a speeding bullet, or “Red/yellow/green Kryptonite” makes him turn his one curl into a dreadlock and gives him very red eyes and makes him fly really slow and paranoid, but I rejected those as somehow offensive to someone somewhere.

So how about Brown Kryptonite, makes him feel like shit? Nah, maybe not.

Yellow Kryptonite, pisses him off? (You see the theme here).

Alright, maybe Vertically Striped Kryptonite, makes him taller? That one seems inoffensive to anyone…”
 

Aaron B. – “Blue Kryptonite – Also Known as “Viagra” Kryptonite.  Wont go into details, but lets just say that Lois wont be able to walk right for a week after exposure.” 

Dan L. – “The type of Kryptonite that I found is pink and if Superman comes in contact with it he is automatically whisked away to West Hollywood where he never has to take off his cape and tights, well unless he wants to, I suppose..
 A place where he can be Superman all the time and no one will question him or look at him strange.  Allegedly Robin has been trying to send this type of Kryptonite to Supes for years.”
 

Tony H. – “While picking up fossilized dog crap in my backyard I was wondering why I had so much to pick up considering I don’t own a dog when I happened upon a chunk of Northwestern Black kryptonite.  How does it differ from the regular black kryptonite originally introduced in the comic?
 

 Well, it has this psychotropic effect on Kal-El:
“All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything…
All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I will”
 

While this is running through his head in an endless loop it makes him susceptible to hoards of Pearl Jam fans that just can’t understand why he thinks their newest album isn’t as good as Vs.  They spent weeks and weeks making rambling arguments and counterarguments with Superman powerless to stop them.  Meanwhile, Lex and Braniac hold the bottled city of Kandor hostage rendering Superman powerless and unleashes on the world the most heinous crime in history:  The release of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Strikes Again.”
 

Nice work, gentlemen. . .and I use that term loosely.  Enjoy the discs!! 

Well, friends, that’s going to do it for this week, so, until next time, keep wearin’ it proud and playin’ loud!

Send Books of Mormon, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001 

 

 

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