PHILADELPHIA – I’d rather be hanging at W.C. Fields’ grave.

It’s easy to see why these folks booed Santa Claus. Who knew that Rocky actually glamoured up this city?  It was so damn hot and nasty and it wasn’t even June. Forget crime rates since we got mugged by the weather.

At one point during the visit to the City of Brotherly Love, my posse sought out Pat’s famous Cheese Steaks in South Philly. Can I point out that this has to be the most hell hole neighborhood that I’ve been in? Driving down the main drag, it was hard to contemplate how someone could grow up in such a jungle of asphalt and slammed together row houses. There was no protection from the elements. And with cars parked on both sides of the one way streets, I felt very little protection from running into door handles. Plus 25 year old guys kept zipping around on low rider bicycles. I wanted to skip the steak and escape to I-95 South without causing a body count. It’s like a city that begs to be a disaster zone.

Luckily most of my time was spent way outside the city at a lush private Quaker high school. The kids today have 80s haircuts for those of us who were sensible during those years and didn’t look like extras in an Oingo Boingo video.  The strange part was seeing a kid wearing a Richard Hell t-shirt. Was this kid even born when Richard teamed up with Sonic Youth for the Dim Stars project? I didn’t have time to ask him if he had “Blank Generation” in his iPod cause he was entertaining a young lady on his lap. I guess the t-shirt worked. All I ever got from wearing a Richard Hell t-shirt was scabies.

Since it was reunion weekend at the posh school, I ended up running into George Segal. He was there to celebrate his 55th anniversary along with his wonderful wife, Sonia. The actor, who accidentally appeared in Eyes Wide Shut (there’s a TV showing Blume in Love) and spent quite a few season playing Jack Gallo on Just Shoot Me, seemed like a nice enough guy. I think he was confused that there was a video crew interviewing other people in his class, but not him.  I didn’t want to pester him too much so I didn’t have a chance to say that after watching Jim Carey’s Fun With Dick and Jane that George is still “Dick” in my book.

One night we ate at a quaint restaurant called “White Dog” near that Ivy League Penn place. We had a fun time giving business to the waitress. We informed her that down South, you could never have that name on a restaurant. She didn’t know what “White Dog” meant. Also they had something on the menu called “St. Peter’s Fish.” We informed the waitress that since St. Peter was a “Fisher of men” this entree was in fact Human meat! Oh the funny things you can say when you’re out of towners.

After spending time in South Philly, I can understand why Santa gets booed in that town – because he didn’t take them away in his sleigh to escape the steaming hell hole that surrounds them.  Maybe it’s not that bad. But I’m not going back anytime soon for a second chance.

DINE OUT

The one amazing thing about being in the Tri-State area is eating at real diners and not corporate sit downs. We ended up at the Golden Eagle in Bristol. These people covered the plate. Even breakfast required a doggy bag.

THE BUSINESS OF THE FAMILY

If you listen really carefully, you’ll hear the a new season of Family Business is running on Showtime.  It’s the fourth go around for Seymore Butts, Cousin Stevie, and the gang, but for some odd reason Showtime isn’t promoting the living daylights out of one of their crown jewels.  HBO always plugs an upcoming season like mad. Plus they rerun all the old episodes to juice up the audience for the new shows. But none of that happened for Family Business. I caught like one promo at an odd hour. Thank goodness I have Showtime OnDemand since they put them on at such odd hours. Family Business is in my Top 10 Shows on TV.

The first thing going around the internet that was instead of the normal 10 episodes, Family Business was going to get clipped down to 8. But can you really trust things written on the internet? I get to write on the world wide web so who knows who else is typing away. So I wrote the only man who could give me a real answer – and has his email on the web: Seymore (Adam). He responded by writing “there will be 10 episodes this season… to make 40 total in the series.” So don’t stop recording the show after the 8th episode.

I also asked if he knew he was having a “crossover” reality pay channel moment when he had Isabella Soprano “working” on his show. It was an after hours delight to get a visit from the star of HBO’s Cathouse series. Adam typed that he “had no idea about isabella but i think i’m shooting her again soon.”

So there you go kids, Isabella Soprano “America’s Sweet Whore” might be in another Seymore Butts epic. Hopefully this time she’ll agree to push her talents to appeal to Seymore’s hardcore fans.

So far this season has been a strange one in that we see that Seymore is growing comfortable with his life. His new house is a lush sanctuary from those sterile Hollywood Hills joints. He’s got a woman that doesn’t want to fool around with others… off camera. His son is growing up and asking those adult questions. I enjoy seeing the juggling act between porn god and family man. And what’s even weirder is finally seeing his son’s mom, who in the early seasons couldn’t even be mentioned by name. Turns out she’s getting back into the adult business so I guess she doesn’t mind the attention now.

For those thinking that maybe the subject matter of Family Business makes the suits at Showtime a little queasy (a man balancing raising his son while make hardcore videos), make note that their prize series Weeds is about a mother balancing raising a family and selling pot. Showtime will go into overdrive to pimp Mary Louise Parker’s new adventures on the channel. It’s a shame they don’t have a crossover episode of Family Business with Mary Louise Parker.

So catch the final episodes of this season’s Family Business and if you somehow missed the first few episodes, find a friend with Tivo, taste and a DVD-R.

MY NEW SHOW

When is Fox going to sign me up to be a judge on So You Think You Can Lapdance?

WHERE THE HELL IS CHELSEA?

I do like the Chelsea Handler Show. I’m kinda happy she’s on E! cause this show would get butchered on the WB. She has such a joy to her blunt humor. She’s like Sarah Silverman without the Jimmy Kimmel baggage. I’ve stopped thinking about Sarah while masturbating because it’s hard not to think of Jimmy hiding in the closet. Just not worth the effort. Thank goodness Chelsea hasn’t hitched her wagon to the Kimmel beast. And she has a book out, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. I’m wondering if I’m in the book since it seems to have been written during my “hazy years?”

She would be my dream panelist on the new Match Game. She’s our new Brett Somers. But where is the second coming of Charles Nelson Riley?

DOLLS UP

I’m in bliss with Fox’s 2-DVD Cinema Classic Collection of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. A few years back some punk was whining that Criterion should put this title out, and I responded, “What could Criterion do for the movie that Fox couldn’t if it’s passionate about the film?” Well, there’s a lot of love spread over these two DVDs. The first disc has the movie, and it glistens. Russ Meyer’s got some nice flesh in this film about a Josie and the Pussycats with a libido. The audio is great. I’m eager to borrow a pal’s video projector so we can watch this mega-size. The second DVD is filled with new documentaries about the making of the film. Everyone has a great story about how Russ loved large breasts. Plus there’s a trailer that features Russ taking the poster photo of all the gals on a round bed.

They have gone beyond the beyond to make this the best DVD you’ll buy this month. Now I have to go watch the wisdom of the Z Man. Cause it’s my happening and it’s freaking me out!

OPRAH QUESTION

Recently, Oprah had this TV special where she paid tribute to legends that inspired her. She gave each legend diamond earrings on air. Which is a sweet present, but here’s my question: Did these women have to pay the same taxes that the guests who received the “free cars” were nailed by? Did the legends have to cough up several thousand dollars before they could walk off with their jewels?

Or does Oprah have a different set of standards. She’ll pay the tax for her friends, but total strangers that she uses for freebie publicity are fair game for Uncle Sam.

And if it’s so untrue that Oprah never threw Tommy Hilfiger off her show, why in the near decade since that rumor spread has she never invited him to be a guest? Will he not kiss her ring like the head of Hermes? If she doesn’t have a problem with Tommy, why is he banned from Harpo studios?

ANGEL COIF

Have you noticed that Criss Angel on Mindfreak has changed his hair so instead of looking like a roadie for Extreme, he’s now wearing a Nikki Sixx do from the Motley Crue reunion? I’m liking the new tricks. But I still want him to make my parking tickets disappear.

SAY IT IN FRENCH

While I’m not willing to go into details, Big Momma’s House 2 shouldn’t be watched in English. After about 30 minutes of enduring a film that tried way too hard to heat marketing beats, I swapped the audio track over to French and somehow the film became a work of comic genius. As Martin Lawrence goofed around as a fat old woman, the movie improved. It seemed like a Francis Weber flick from the 80s. It all made sense in French – the small child that had to jump off stuff, the young daughter’s cheerleading squad that goes from chaos to Bring It On, and the older daughter learning how to open up. None of this made any sense in English. But all of this and the stupid plot about tracking down a computer program was crystal clear with the illusion that Martin Lawrence is the hottest comic talent in Paris.

The strangest thing is that after watching Big Momma’s House in French, my first reaction is Disney can remake this with Eddie Murphy if they can straighten out all the French kinks.

And what is up with the recent spate off black men dressing up as overweight old black women? Between this and that Madea’s Family Reunion with Tyler Perry – or is it Tyler Perry’s Medea’s Family Reunion? – when are we going to have a crossover movie with a zombie dressed up as a fat old black woman?

SNAP TO IT

Why is Kate Moss pimping cameras on TV? Am I wrong in thinking that if it wasn’t for a sleek camera, she wouldn’t have had all her problems? No camera means no tabloid cover showing her sniffing a thick line of coke off the CD jewel case. And she wouldn’t have lost millions when she got dumped on various campaigns.

What’s next? Paris Hilton pushing a night vision video camera? Robert Blake hawking Olive Garden? O.J. Simpson doing Ford Bronco jokes on Pay-Per-View? Oh wait, that’s already happened. Remember when people had shame?  When someone would commit  a felony and after paying for their crime, they’d move to an island in the Pacific and build a new life?

SUMMER HIT?

Will there be a real song (or even songs) of the Summer of 2006? Will there be a record released in the next three months?

WHEN BOOBIES RULED THE CINEMA

Thanks to Brett Meisner (The Rock N’ Roll Bad Boy), I found myself watching a trio of flicks from Crown International. They were third on the indie releasing circuit in the 70s behind AIP and Roger Corman’s New World. And while none of these films (The Van, Malibu Beach and My Tutor) would win an Oscar, they reminded me of what’s missing from the cinema of today – barely motivated nudity. When was the last time you saw a film and said, “Damn! That was a lot of boobies on the screen!” The only film I know of that has made me say that was Hostel. But even with all the lovely topless action – we then had to watch a lot of gore.

I wonder what has reduced the level of breasts in America cinema. Have the folks in Hollywood become a pack of prudes? Or do they know that if we want to see nudity, we’d rather rent a porn video? 

Private Resort comes out on DVD and not only does it have a lot of Mam-action, we also get to see Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow’s asses from 20 years ago. I’m not into guy’s asses, but Depp does give everyone a good look. It’s the perfect gift for anyone who wants to see the pirate’s booty. And for the guys, there’s lots of breasts to fill in the plot holes. It’s the perfect date film.

Of the three Crown films – My Tutor was the best, and it was made by George Bowers – who directed Private Resort. He’s now an editor slicing away on the remake of Walking Tall and From Hell. What a strange career. I guess once the boobies went away, directing wasn’t that fun for George.

HOCKEY MOVES

When the NHL got their contract with OLN for their games, I thought they’d screwed themselves. What’s the point of not being on ESPN or Fox? Well the point is that OLN actually cares about carrying the games. They didn’t treat hockey as an obligation to carry. And while it’s not lucrative, it at least allows the NHL to grow its fan base without having to match the ratings of NFL games or the Poker World Series. Plus it’s nice that OLN ran Youngblood 15 times in a week. That movie’s soundtrack was the first cutout CD I ever found at a Camelot Music mall shop.

The local Suncoast shut down at the mall so our indoor shopping mecca doesn’t contain a record or video store. Where can a kid go to pay suggested retail price on a record?

BREAK’N

Why exactly does everything on TV take a commercial break at the same time? I’m trying to bounce between a network show and sports games and they’re both running ads. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

THAT MARLO

The first season of That Girl is out and I’m in bliss. It’s been a while since I’ve heard Marlo Thomas whine “Donald!” Also didn’t hurt that the folks at Shout! Factory priced it so I could nab it cheap. The weird thing was seeing the original opening that doesn’t have the theme song sung, the kite or the winking mannequin. The things you learn when you’re enjoying a guilty pleasure.

Also, the complete collection of The Bugaloos show reminds me of back when Saturday morning fun was made by people who were doing lots of drugs and not merely reading dictates from marketing. I’ve got a crush on Joy Bugaloo now. Something about an English waif with wings and antenna.

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