E-MAIL THE AUTHOR | By Christopher Stipp
May 19, 2006
Yeah, like that catchy GO-GO’s song goes…
I’m shilling again for my spot on MySpace and I am getting closer and closer in talking about a writing project that doesn’t have anything to do with movies, trailers or flying nuns.
I’m on vacation this week…Yet here I am with more reviews for the lot of you still sticking around to read this. Which, judging by the sheer numbers of traffic, I would be better off reading this thing while people get on the 28 bus on their way into downtown Scottsdale.
However, with the very public announcement that Poop Shoot was being dipped in an acid bath and getting a much needed sprucing-up I am happy to see that there will be a new crop of readers who will be parking their eyes for a bit in this here space. I don’t know if they’ll stick around, mind you, new readers also means new opportunites for my writing to be rejected by an even bigger audience, or I’ll be an even bigger reason why people don’t seem to visit the site on a Friday, but for those who really have been consistent readers of this space it really is validation that there is still great things happening at this site and all we needed is a new coat of paint.
I cannot tell you how right Kevin was when he said that while it’s amusing to be standing on the red carpet or at interviews and for people to give a healthy chortle or guffaw as I say I work for a site called “Poop Shoot” I am pleased that the name change will help give an idea of who we are as a whole; it’s not that I was embarassed of reiterating my namesake whenever someone asked but, again, like Kevin said, Quick Stop Entertainment denotes imagery quite different as you play What’s-The-First-Thing-You-Think-Of game with publicists as you try and squeek out some time with some person who you all out there would enjoy reading about.
As more information comes out I hope to be here to be able and say how it affects what I do here but in the meantime I have my sights set on the Comi-Con in a couple of months and am busy making sure all of you get new content from me, like you’ve come to expect for nearly 2 1/2 years, every week. I am proud of what’s been built here and there’s only more good things to come.
STRANGERS WITH CANDY (2006)  Director: Paul DinelloCast: Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert, Paul Dinello Release: June 28, 2006 Synopsis: A prequel to the critically acclaimed series featuring Jerri Blank, a 46 year-old ex-junkie, ex-con who returns to high school in a bid to start her life over. View Trailer: * Medium (Flash) Prognosis: Hell No. I am officially out of touch with what people think is funny. Sure, I loved Arrested Development, Da Ali G Show and other cancelled programming but I never understood about the funny factor when it came to Strangers With Candy. When Comedy Central ran this I was deep in their clutches with Upright Citizens Brigade, The Daily Show and South Park so I just tried to find the angle with what this show’s ethos was all about; I guess the answer was there all along: retardation and bad Tracy Ullman humor. These two elements, when mixed, made for a delightful mélange of idiocy and good ratings. Now, I tried to give this trailer the benefit of time. I hadn’t heard anything from Amy Sedaris for a while and hearing that this movie was being made I figured there would be a chance for me to get introduced properly to this world. I don’t want to be introduced anymore. This trailer begins with what is intended to be a really funny premise: Jerri Blank needs to make the honor roll. “Be prom queen!†our titular hero yells in hopeful auditory miscommunication. “Make the honor roll,†our straight man quietly retorts. Really. This is how it’s going to be? It sure is as the next lame mule joke about what Jerri’s IQ is does not go over well. “Pieces,†is her reply and it is not the right answer for a lot of reasons. Following this little moment we go on with a montage of Jerri being herself in all her resplendent ickiness. We see her corn chip sized toenails, get a gander as she tries disgustingly to sex us up and then rides a broom in a cackle-induced hysteria that I don’t know to be afraid or laugh out of embarrassment. From what I can take away from Steven Colbert, an overrated comedic talent judging by his reliance on his static, deadpan delivery style, his role is to be co-performing along with Amy as his one-liners and additions to Amy’s set-ups seem to be dependant on her reactions. It shouldn’t be this hard to be funny or to figure out why it is that other people find these things giggle-worthy but I can’t see it and the trailer does a miserable job in even letting the lay person in on the comedy. Oh, and the last bit of Jerri’s mother telling her, while eating dinner with the family, that, “we don’t talk with food in our mouth,†and Amy’s “physical humor†as she empties the contents on her plate saying, “I don’t have food in my mouth� If she was 12 I am sure the kids would love it. Seeing a grown woman do it in attempt to show how funny she can be is just sad.
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DOWN IN THE VALLEY (2005)  Director: David JacobsonCast: Edward Norton, Evan Rachel Wood, David Morse, Bruce Dern, Rory Culkin Release: April, 2006 (Limited) Synopsis: Set in the present-day San Fernando Valley, the project revolves around a delusional man who believes he’s a cowboy and the relationship that he starts with a rebellious young woman. View Trailer: * Medium (QuickTime) Prognosis: Make That Another No. Couldn’t Ed be making movies where he’s beating the hell out of himself or curbing some Neo-Nazis? No? This is what I’m left with? Well, I can’t say that I’m all that pumped about a cowboy who hasn’t ever known anything more than the range of the South but I also can’t even muster enough joy on my femme side after seeing this trailer to even make this a recommended flick for chicks. It starts out well enough, though. There is a light musical arrangement and a slow opening as Ed narrates the way he’d like to be under a sky full of stars, hear nothing but the wind and, possibly, out humping some sheep. Evan Rachel comes off as a bitchy teen that needs to have her MySpace account taken away and defaced, along with everything else she no doubt takes for granted as she whines about how it sucks to be a disenfranchised young person. I’m not sure if this is trying to win me over to her character but she seems a little disillusioned with how life works. I hope when the tramp finally gets to the beach where she so defiantly tells her dad that’s where she’s going that the Zodiac is there, waiting. It looks like I won’t be getting my wish as when Evan is fueling up at the local Unocal 76 Ed looks like he’s semi-working there, I don’t really know for sure as we go from him peeping a view at her possibly underage, glistening bodice to him throwing down his oil rag in mock disgust as he’s invited to the beach with this girl; I’m not sure of whether I’m supposed to be giving him a mental high-five or calling NBC’s Dateline and reporting this perv. So, they’re at the beach and it’s like a scene from Real World: California when Jon, that lump of Branson backwater molded into a doughy form with a blonde-ish mullet, went to the beach in his Hulkamania t-shirt and cowboy boots. I don’t know if this a put-on or if I should feel endeared toward Ed. Lo and behold, children, not only does Ed manage to start making out with Evan in the ocean but the chick puts out on the very same night. Obviously a whore and needing a good ass whooping of atomic proportions Ed decides to play the gentle pedo with his clap-trap about finding one’s self, believing in whatever, blah blah blah. When the girl finally goes home (!) after her night of sexing and cavorting like a tramp her dad is there waiting, pissed, and understandably so. Even has this look of “What did I do?†as she runs into her room, her dad just being comfortable with pounding on the door once. Now, I have to call bullshiat on this one. If that were me I would have one of those Cops sized battering rams with accompanying riot helmets that have those hard plastic Samurai flaps on the back of it and put that bitch down with a few taser blasts to the temple. Does that happen here? Noooo…the chick ends up seeing Ed AGAIN and whines about her crap life. Sure, there may be problems but when you’re trying to spin this movie as a romance and you’ve got Ed trying to “defend†her honor by being all cowboy with the dad it does a very poor job doing so. The montage of the scenes of this film are a train wreck of discombobulation and mixed messages of underage copulation, family togetherness and the search for being true to one’s self. I think I’ll just watch FIGHT CLUB and AMERICAN HISTORY X on cable. |
THE DESCENT (2005)
Director: Neil MarshallCast: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Jackson Mendoza, Alex Reid, Saskia Mulder, MyAnna Buring, Nora-Jane Noone, Oliver Milburn, Molly Kayll
Release: August, 2006
Synopsis: After a tragic accident, six friends reunite for a caving expedition. Their adventure soon goes horribly wrong when a collapse traps them deep underground and they find themselves pursued by bloodthirsty creatures. As their friendships deteriorate, they find themselves in a desperate struggle to survive the creatures and each other. View Trailer:
* Large (AOL Player)
Prognosis: Okay…Now, This Makes Up For It. True story that begins with a question: Have any of you out there even been in complete darkness? Not the kind of stub-your-toe in the night kind of dark when you’ve really got to whiz because turning on a light would render your corneas into flaming orbs of pain but the kind of dark where there is no ambient light available. The wife and I went to Aillwee Cave in Ireland when we were there almost five years ago and the guides do this thing where they shut down all the lights while you’re already feeling claustrophobic and ask you to put your hand to your face. It is, perhaps, one of the most exhilarating, thrilling and disconcerting things you will ever experience.
Being in a cave is already kind of crazy, being in a cave with the likes of the ladies shown here, the beautiful kind that would NEVER do this if it weren’t for a movie, who you know are going to get picked off like Republican senators this fall, is just right for the kind of horror that’s being planned.
I like the opening of this thing. I really do. It’s so 80’s exploitative, again with the hot chicks cavorting and having a delicious time with being ladies on the loose in the woods, that I can’t help but laugh when their movable feast means spelunking in a dingy hole in the middle of nowhere.
Not only do we all know nothing good is going to come of this but when the one of them, we’ll say Hot Chick Who Is Only There Because It’s a Film, HCWIOTBIW for short, says that the only way out is through the annals of the naturally carved out tunnels you know fun is afoot.
I’m especially glad when, oh my stars and garters, one of them gets stuck in a rather tight hole. Internet pervs rejoice that you too will be able to imagine what this means in the grand scheme of things, and starts moaning and grunting.
The screen dissolves and the word “Claustrophobia†comes on the screen.
Excellent!
Somehow, after the ladies break free of the tight hole one of them finds herself in, they all congregate in a relatively cramped cave with one of the smart biatches asking, “This is not good, guys?†Damn right, chicas, now shouldn’t have someone figured out and exit strategy before they all threw their bodies down a hole?
“Disorientationâ€
Don’t let this get in the way of the thrilling nature of this movie, though, because fun awaits when we get more words about “Fear†and “Hallucination†coming into the mix. These ladies are like caged heat as they start flipping out on one another and the sounds of a buried cave Kraken starts to shake their grip on reality.
The Kraken isn’t a Kraken after all, unfortunately, but it does seem like some mutant hillbilly cadre of crazies are about to show us how to get-er-done down in the bowels of stalagmites and stalactites. There is a lot of spinning camera angles and it’s hard to make sense of how this situation will devolve but I do know that there is, at the very least, a dozen of these fleshy headed mutants who hope to kill all of these misguided adventurers.
I can say with great delight that I may have laughed all the way through this trailer and found “gimmies†with regard to easy jokes but this looks like a solid Friday/Saturday night rental when this thing finally makes it way to video stores. The trailer does a swell job of building up the story and making it quite ambiguous as to what actually attacks these women. Solid.
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