Director:Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell, Eddie Griffin, Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge, Sophie Monk
Release: February 10, 2006
Synopsis: From the writers of “Scary Movie” and “Spy Hard” comes this spoof on romantic comedies. Hannigan plays the lead, while Campbell plays her romantic interest. Griffin is Hannigan’s father, while Coolidge and Willard are Campbell’s parents.

Prognosis: Negative. I guess there is a market for this kind of thing. I know it’s not anywhere near my market but I am sure there is one.

What I don’t understand about this trailer, and I’ll entertain anyone else’s thoughts on this, is that we begin this spoof-laden flick with Kelis’ “Milkshake” and we don’t seem able to let go of this one joke. For the life of me I can’t see how whipping this dead horse with a cat-o-nine-tails does any good.

Oh, I did leave out the part that Alyson Hannigan plays a woman who is morbidly obese, a la Bridget Jones’s Diary, who is on the lookout for love. Now, fat suits aside, we have this hip hop track being played over scenes of Alyson cavorting and writhing for the un-delight of construction workers, one of which shoots himself in the head with an air powered nail gun. She does the same for a gaggle of firemen who subsequently hose her down.

There is one moment when she thinks she has found her mate, a rotund looking man who looks back at her longingly. Now, even though there isn’t a single word spoken between these two, the dude doesn’t acknowledge her but does return the gaydar ping to an equally plump guy who quickly turns his bitch around and does that ass-smacking dance move which I believe lost its cultural significance during an episode of Must-See-TV sometime last year when it was appropriated for white consumption.

Alyson next offers her mammary goods to Ackbar the taxi driver but, like every sight gag here, her loosely contained breasts manage to wrap themselves around her back much to the horrific shock of our Middle Eastern friend.

Does this have anything to do with the plot, loose as it is already going to be, or give me any reason why I should spend many dollars to see this latest production from 2 of the six writers of SCARY MOVIE? No, it’s admission that we’re only getting a fraction of the writing team is a bold reveal but I can see where two heads aren’t as good as six.

Oh, but at the half-way point we are finally treated to a real scene of the movie, here spoofing MEET THE FOCKERS, and we are treated to another homosexual innuendo when we discover that Alyson’s current man lost his virginity to the housekeeper who happens to be a guy. I am glad that we have evolved as a species that we can still delight in giggles like this. But, whatever, right? This is a comedy!

We are then blasted with spoofs of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, which is pathetically awful, some jabbing at HITCH, a fairly weak attack considering the flimsiness of the source material, and a bitch slap of Pimp My Ride that feels as fresh as a week old banana that’s been left to rot in the Sahara.

The remaining bits of this trailer shove as many references to past films as possible and, as I try and search inward for what I’m feeling, I have an epiphany of what this feels like: a bad Weird Al album. At least with Al I could count on there being a sweet accordion solo.

And I can’t help but make a comment that any trailer which incorporates jokes about Michael Jackson or the size of J-Lo’s ass are not funny, they’re just stale and lazy.

Director:Alexandre Aja
Cast: Aaron Stanford, Ted Levine, Kathleen Quinlan, Vinessa Shaw, Emilie de Ravin, Dan Byrd, Robert Joy, Ezra Buzzington
Release: March 10, 2006
Synopsis: A new take on Wes Craven’s 1977 film of the same name, “The Hills Have Eyes” is the story of a family road trip that goes terrifyingly awry when the travelers become stranded in a government atomic zone. Miles from nowhere, the Carters soon realize the seemingly uninhabited wasteland is actually the breeding ground of a blood-thirsty mutant family…and they are the prey.

Prognosis: Wicked. I listened to this wicked awesome radio documentary about the history of Las Vegas on NPR. One of the things that was brought up about the evolution of that fine city was the hydrogen bomb program the government was running and which had a fondness for dropping things. Specifically, the bombs were dropped in the early morning hours and lit the sky as if it were daytime; hotels had bomb parties to promote these odd occurrences. Well, as is a lot of things the government did without thinking, the flakes which dripped fallout all across that great land resulted in many a person falling prey to physical maladies, usually fatal.

One of the best things about this trailer is that it sets things up fairly interesting. It posits that one of the other “ranges” where bomb testing started in the late 40’s and continued though the 90’s resulted in mutations. Now, mutations, instead of the reality being cancer or other less sensational occurrences, that’s groovy. I can get behind mutations. STRANGE BREW? When Doug turned into that fleshy-headed mutant? That I could believe and I believe it here.

True, the footage used is fairly stock in nature and there isn’t anything from the actual film yet I am intrigued by the premise.

“July 17, 2005”

I am also giving this trailer some credit in taking what should be a torrent of slash and burn quick cut footage, de regur for many a horror film, and going in the other direction. We get some soundtrack by the Mamas and the Papas, an unusual choice, but it’s daring and it wants to establish a sense of place. The sheer scope of the New Mexico desert, which in all reality really is a wasteland of suck, shown here makes one feel awfully alone.

There is some treading on hackneyed territory with this family coming upon a gas station that I think no decent person would stop at just because of the crazies that have been shown in movies like this.

It’s all forgiven quickly as the beat of the trailer starts to get into that area when you’ve either achieved the ability to get scary or you have the skills to ramp up the scariness to an 11. This trailer is the latter and it’s good.

The sound mix, the delicate balance of quick cuts and the payoff of seeing who our mutant attackers are is just beautifully executed here.

One of the best things about watching things just getting crazy is that you get a whole lot of things to try and focus on. Now, while I usually eschew this technique there is an excitement about the events that lead up to this moment. These people’s lives are going to be terrorized by mutants and you can feel the palpitations through the screen.

The technique here at the end is closely related to that which I appreciated at the end of the trailer for DAWN OF THE DEAD with the sensation that the film is about to break or stop at any moment. It’s effectiveness cannot be better expressed than by watching this trailer just try and get some kind of reaction that usually takes a while to achieve in the eventual picture itself.

Not a coherent word is spoken in the last half of this trailer but it’s all understood by the end.

Director: Dennis Dugan
Cast: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Tim Meadows, Craig Kilborn, Adam Sandler
Release: April 7, 2006
Synopsis: THE BENCHWARMERS tells the story of three guys who try to make up for their lack of athleticism when they were younger by forming a three-man baseball team to challenge a full squad of elementary school baseballers. They develop a large following of left-out kids as they head for a high-stakes, winner-take-all game with the best team of kids in the state.

Prognosis: Just stab my eyes. For real. Are dudes getting shot in the nuts with various items still funny in this post-modern, post-America’s Funniest Home Set-Ups still viable comedic devices?

No, they’re not, and this trailer’s use of it is not only lame but the fact that this trailer cribs the visage of the holy Wrigley Field, dragging it in the suck along with everything else, is blasphemous.

This trailer takes the opening tack that baseball is this sport of history and greatness. Any time that a piece of movie advertising begins by being overly dramatic, utilizing slo-mo shots, while pumping in the cheesy timpani drums you know that you’re going to get the moment when all that ends and you get The Punchline. The Punchline, heretofore known as such, is that bit when the “gotcha” moment happens and you get one of the lead characters tossing out a bon mot, totally revealing this was all a joke. That moment happens here when one of the peeps in the movie gets knocked in the skull with a fly ball with Napoleon Dynamite, rocking a sweet bike helmet, adding his own distain.

Now, as we get introduced to everyone in this merry band of idiots, of course each one has an odd personality and really embodies the outsider/underdog vibe, we get that these dudes are going to go up against some little kids in order to control the playing rights of a baseball field.

The setup reeks of a BAD NEWS BEARS wannabe mixed in with a healthy dollop of shit. Even Dynamite drops the word poo and I am not sure if this is a carryover from his psychic character from that romantic comedy FAR FROM HEAVEN with his abiltiy to see what this flick really is or if it’s just an innate ability to portend the obvious. Either way, the movie just devolves from here.

The kids they’re playing are a lot better than the three dudes who comprise their team and I am amazed that there isn’t anything spliced in here to at least create the illusion of funniness; although, I did a lift out seeing Rob Schneider taking out a kid with a line drive to the chest.

I’m surprised to find out that this isn’t the end of the movie but just one part of this densely layered comedic masterpiece. Jon Lovitz enters the picture and somehow has something to do with telling these guys that if they beat all the teams in the league…something happens. I apologize but I didn’t really pay attention to what’s at stake here in this fake story.

The training these dudes get before their “big game” against Craig Kilborn’s team, as it’s broken down in this trailer, give up enough slapstick to make those who have kept Adam Sandler’s production company well satisfied. The hot potato extended scene is about all you need to know about what is going on in this movie. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing, good thing or a portent about the decline of Western Civilization but its execution is just by-the-numbers.

Director: Jason Reitman
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Maria Bello, Cameron Bright, Adam Brody, Sam Elliott, Katie Holmes, David Koechner, Rob Lowe, William H. Macy, JK Simmons, Robert Duvall
Release: March 17, 2006
Synopsis: The hero of THANK YOU FOR SMOKING is Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckhart), chief spokesman for Big Tobacco, who makes his living defending the rights of smokers and cigarette makers in today’s neo-puritanical culture. Confronted by health zealots out to ban tobacco and an opportunistic senator (William H. Macy) who wants to put poison labels on cigarette packs, Nick goes on a PR offensive, spinning away the dangers of cigarettes on TV talk shows and enlisting a Hollywood super-agent (Rob Lowe) to promote smoking in movies. Nick’s newfound notoriety attracts the attention of both tobacco’s head honcho (Robert Duvall) and an investigative reporter for an influential Washington daily (Katie Holmes). Nick says he is just doing what it takes to pay the mortgage, but he begins to think about how his work makes him look in the eyes of his young son Joey (Cameron Bright).

Prognosis: First movie I’m looking forward to in ’06. Aaron Eckhart is a demon. Pure and simple, Aaron exudes the kind of sinister evilness that makes him irresistible on the one hand and wickedly dangerous on the other.

This trailer plays up both facets of Aaron’s natural abilities as an actor and the subject matter couldn’t have been more apropos.

One of the very first things that you notice about the presentation here is that Aaron takes over the role of Voiceover Guy. What could’ve been a fairly straightforward narrative piece takes on a first person angle that, while it takes a little bit of time to find out who Aaron is, works well. His prosaic statement that he’s not an M.D. or that he doesn’t possess a law degree, while admitting to possessing a bachelor’s in “kicking butt,” is a bit juvenile but I think that’s the point.

The visuals of how this film is a selected flick at this year’s Sundance Film Festival gives us a quick inclination that we are talking about tobacco. Now, once we figure this out as a collective whole, Aaron pipes in by telling us he’s paid to talk; and looking like the devil in his three piece suit and beguiling smile which I am sure many women, or dudes, have fallen prey to.

I will give the comedic advantage, just barely, to Aaron for taking down a schoolgirl when he says what he does for a living, which is to say, a shill for the tobacco company.

Things heat up for me when we next see Aaron sharing a dinner with the rest of the MOD squad, or Merchants of Death, being his cohorts for Alcohol and Firearms inside the federal government. The visuals of the liquor bottle and pistol over their heads are a nice compliment to the framed shot.

One of the things that this trailer also does well, besides playing to Aaron’s character, is moving from one thing to the other without getting bogged down in extended moments. True, absolutely true, that sometimes it works really well but, inversely, if done right, those of us who like our ADD moments are warmly served a nice treat with the slickness of how well we are escorted from one moment to another.

Aaron’s proclamation to a room full of executives that Hollywood needs to send out messages that smoking is cool makes you wonder how far his character has fallen down the rabbit hole. Pretty damn far if he’s debating and deflecting the issue of death by cholesterol with William H. Macy who’s the representative from Vermont, a state that ostensibly kills more people with their cheese than Aaron’s cigarettes.

It’s nice to see that even a movie, which really feels like a satire that’s got its angles all worked out, also incorporates animations in its trailer. This is such a small thing, I know, but life is all about the little things and to see this kind of film treated with a flashy flair.

“That’s the beauty of arguing…if you argue correctly you’re never wrong.”

Props, as well, for the trailer makers co-opting The Kids In The Hall’s use of the absurd character of Cancer Boy when Aaron is on a talk show defending cigarette smoking and brushing aside a dying boy’s health condition.

It’s almost too much when Aaron draws similarities between Michael Jordan’s ability to play basketball, Charles Manson’s predilection for killing people and his ability to talk; I can see how the two former go together but I am floored by how straight this movie is going to be played.

And, to really leave a healthy shine, Aaron and media mogul Rob Lowe have a discussion about how to have cigarette smoking look cool in a sci-fi picture. Aaron, to his credit, mentions the issue of smoking in all oxygen environment and that they would all blow up. It doesn’t phase Rob in the least as he says all he’ll need to do is add a line of dialogue that says, “Thank God we invented the…” and the two of them are deliciously satiated with their quick thinking.

Nice.

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