Director: Paul Weitz
Cast: Hugh Grant, Dennis Quaid, Mandy Moore, Marcia Gay Harden, Chris Klein, Jennifer Coolidge, Seth Meyers, John Cho, Judy Greer, Sam Golzari and Willem Dafoe
Release: April 14, 2006
Synopsis: On the morning of his re-election, the President (Quaid) decides to read the newspaper for the first time in four years. This starts him down a slippery slope. He begins reading obsessively, reexamining his black and white view of the world, holing up in his bedroom in his pajamas. Frightened by the President’s apparent nervous breakdown, his Chief of Staff (Dafoe) pushes him back into the spotlight, booking him as a guest judge on the television ratings juggernaut (and the President’s personal fave), the weekly talent show American Dreamz.

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Prognosis: Negative. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that anyone who takes liberty with their spelling, as is the case with this movie’s title, it just comes off as juvenile no matter how clever it is.

American Dreamz? It’s just plain lazy titling. It’s sounds like a failed hip-hop act from the early 90’s.

The card in the opening sequence is milquetoast. It feels like when they state this movie is coming from the same guy who directed ABOUT A BOY, AMERICAN PIE and IN GOOD COMPANY it’s done with a shrug of the shoulders as if to say, “Yeah, he’s done these. They’re good.” Odd.

We’re introduced to Dennis Quaid, Randy’s less retarded brother, who appears to be the president of the United States. We’re given a moment with the prez, see how clever that s dropping can be, where we establish he’s an idiot. I don’t know whether to wonder what in the hell is happening with this picture or just assume that people must love caricatures of the president, even though it’s true, being a bumbling town idiot.

Swiftly, we’re whisked away to a Hollywood back lot where Hugh Grant, seems like we’re getting all of Paul’s past players, is playing Simon Cowell. American Dreamz is a singing show like American Idol and he’s the host of this program but the twist here, get this, he DOESN’T REALLY want to do it. That’s Hollywood, people. You take an already retched example of how American culture sucks ass and you put a cork in that ass and sell it as an original idea. As the Guinness dudes would say: Brilliant. Utterly crap brilliant.

I am entertained, though, by Mandy Moore’s display of fake intensity when a camera crew comes to her door and tells her that she’s a contestant on the show. For all the mediocre fluff she’s been in I seem to really have a soft spot for hand of female aloofness. She’s got a bubbly spirit and energy that just can’t be contained but like a sky that parts to let the sunshine in I am greeted by a twister of badness as soon as we leave her.

What happens next is perplexing: Dennis is a president who hasn’t made a public appearance in over three weeks, some people saying he’s lost his mind (imagine that…). Willem is 2nd in charge and mentions that he go on Dreamz (it hurts to even write that) and be a guest judge while an Arab-American who is the show is asked to be a terrorist suicide bomber by his father for when the president actually shows up.

I can’t make this up. I just can’t understand who is allowed to try and sell this to the public. Even the musical montage at the end of this thing, which is really just an excuse to put some music behind unrelated images to try and sex up a trailer, just leaves me limp.

I’m just disappointed that this is coming from the mind of the guy who brought us AMERICAN PIE, ABOUT A BOY and IN GOOD COMPANY. I can’t say I’m surprised but I am disappointed.

Director:Ron Howard
Cast: Tom Hanks, Jean Reno, Audrey Tatou
Release: May 19, 2006
Synopsis: While in Paris on business, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Hanks) receives an urgent late-night phone call: the elderly curator of the Louvre has been murdered inside the museum. Near the body, police have found a baffling cipher. Solving the enigmatic riddle, Langdon is stunned to discover it leads to a trail of clues hidden in the works of Da Vinci – clues visible for all to see, and yet ingeniously disguised by the painter. Langdon joins forces with a gifted French cryptologist, Sophie Neveu (Tautou), and learns the late curator was involved in the Priory of Sion – an actual secret society. In a breathless race through Paris, London and beyond, Langdon and Neveu match wits with a faceless powerbroker who appears to work for Opus Dei – a clandestine, Vatican-sanctioned Catholic organization believed to have long plotted to seize the Priory’s secret. Unless Langdon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle in time, the Priory’s secret – and a stunning historical truth – will be lost forever.

Prognosis: Bestseller Positivity. Is it rude of me to say that I am not a fan of bestseller fiction? It it snooty?

I do likes me some books which have entered popular culture but my interests never seem to veer into what mass culture deems as teh awesome.

Dan Brown is a good example why I just can’t get into these kinds of stories. Sure, it’s packed full of Indiana Jones like explosiveness but it doesn’t inform the human condition in ways I like my stories to do. This trailer, though, piques the very thing inside of me of why I AM a healthy consumer of mainstream film.

I may not like my books to be superfluous but I do likes me my movies to be that way.

And what a way to start things off than with a smoky woodwind instrument in the back as you’ve got some Latin chanting nabob who’s into self-mutilation. I don’t know what’s up with that but this religio who likes whipping his own backside is quickly replaced by a wandering, meandering display of some English gardens.

These gardens are populated with the academic speak of some dude who is trying to explain something about mankind, secrets and how everything will unravel if people catch wind of blah blah blah.

Who cares about any of that, right? We want our NATIONAL TREASURE of 2006. People loved the sight of balding older dudes with torches going on scavenger hunts but this trailer only teases us with the goods.

We get some long, rectangular box that seems mysterious and spooky, we get the Last Supper shown to us for reasons which the more learned of you (those who have read the book) can tell me but the show stopper here is the visage of a very pensive looking Tom Hanks with a hairdo that borders on MacGyver-esque. Color me intrigued, people.

I also really like the moment here when we see Old Man River running though a darkened art museum in the middle of the night. He’s hoofing it as hard as he can, his click-clacking feet on the hardwood floor building up the intensity of the faceless assailant, and then, as the screen goes black, a gunshot. What makes this moment even better, other than seeing all these European po-po’s in their cars with the singular blue lights, is taking in the greatness that is Jean Reno. I’m hoping he’s on the bad side of the law but one can only hope.

And, woah!, we get a dead naked guy on the floor who’s in the middle of what looks like a devil’s sacrifice. He’s all sorts of cut up and dripping with blood but before I squeal like a little girl there is the always filmicly delicious Audrey Tautou.

The final moments of this trailer are chock full of tidbits which only pique my interest in what could be one of the best adult oriented films to come out in a while. Yes, the book it was based on is not going to change the way American literature is going to evolve and Ron Howard’s name is not equitable to those of Scorsese, Coppola or Roger Corman but this does, honestly, look like another solid outing from little Opie.

Director: Wolfgang Petersen
Cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell, Emmy Rossum, Mike Vogel, Josh Lucas, Mia Maestro, Freddy Rodriguez, Kevin Dillon, Jacinda Barrett, Jimmy Bennett, Andre Braugher
Release: May 12, 2006
Synopsis: When a rogue wave capsizes a luxury cruise ship in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean, a small group of survivors find themselves unlikely allies in a battle for their lives. As the unstable vessel rapidly floods with water, they face unimaginable odds and life-altering decisions in their desperate fight to the surface.

Prognosis: No. I know this is a remake.

I also know that this movie feels like TITANIC but without the obligatory tit shot of Kate Winslet. What we do get, though, is a shot of Fergie from Kids Incorporated, now the Black Eyed Peas, shaking her groove thing on the stage.

I don’t really have great expectations for a movie like this. I think it all stems from the need that many execs have of just rehashing old material and whatever you read with people who are in this production, who the hell hasn’t felt the power of the Poseidon Diaries and all their on-set glory from the Internet noobs who were allowed to talk to people from the film, that this was done because it was such an amazing script. Like Sick Boy from TRAINSPOTTING would say, “Shite.”

But, let’s take the ride knowing full well we’re riding over old territory. It’s a fun trailer. I’ll give it that. There’s a certain sense of tension when DUETS impresario Andre Braugher (Chicago’s own as well…wOOt…) starts talking about the history of Poseidon. The mood is good, the music choice is appropriate and even the sight of Richard Dreyfus is enough to rattle my notion that this is a wholesale raping of an old classic.

The countdown by everyone on board, ratcheting up the danger level of things, in a slo-mo display of all the major players of this thing is a little odd to me. I don’t know why I care but this seems to be a Love Boat of all things beautiful. I mean, really, there isn’t an ugly person on this ship. Even the dudes behind the scenes in the sonar room look like they were yanked from THE FIFTH ELEMENT (Quite possibly one of the worst and useless movies in history. It actually makes the case as to why originality might be seen as overrated).

So, all these pretty people are in danger; from what I haven’t a clue but I’m sure it’s going to be made out to be twice as big from the original. Oh, and I really love that there is a card that reads that this is coming to us from “the acclaimed director of TROY and THE PERFECT STORM.” Please. Who are you bullshit? That’s right, the brainless motards who you’re hoping didn’t see either movie.

Even though I couldn’t stop laughing after the “acclaimed” comment I stopped enough to admire the same computer program that creates the fake wave that’s capsizing the fake ship. It’s really impressive the way the tsunami sized CGI wave rocks the fake Poseidon. The moment is honestly done pretty well and the way people are tossed around as the ship goes down is rendered quite nicely.

The actual snippets of people getting all sorts of heroic as they’re trying to save one another is cute; they all have their dramatic personae faces on and ready to show the world what thousands of dollars spent at Earl Shatftsby House of Performance Arts can do. There’s a lot of screaming, a lot of posturing, a lot of “I’m not going to lose you!” happening and it’s all well and good. I even like the moment when the power goes out on the whole ship and everything fades to black, silence.

I don’t know if I’m going to allow myself to be duped into actually going but this is not a good way to start trying to convince me this isn’t just about cashing in.

Director: J. J. Abrams
Cast: Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames, Laurence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, Michelle Monaghan, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Keri Russell, Maggie Q
Release: May 5, 2006
Synopsis: Tom Cruise returns as Special Agent Ethan Hunt, who faces the mission of his life in MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III. Director J. J. Abrams (“Lost,” “Alias”) brings his unique blend of action and drama to the billion-dollar franchise.

Prognosis: Hilarious. Bill Hicks.

What a guy.

I think he would take a look at Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s portrayal of an evil antagonist, symbolically twisting his moustache in a “Mu-ha-ha” fashion, in this obvious empty, vapid and culturally insignificant movie after his ploy for critical recognition in CAPOTE and demand a debate about whether Phillip deserves to be on the artist roll-call list. For my money, I would consider this grounds for his membership to be revoked and sent to Xenu for immediate attitudinal destruction. No, I don’t think I’m so cool or deserving to be so critical but please, after looking at this trailer, you can’t tell me for one moment that all of Phillip’s choices are made on the quality of the screenplay based on this flick. And, if it is, and this happens to be the LOGAN’S RUN of the 2000’s then I will happily eat each and every word.

But, let’s take this one from the P.O.V. of your average action bumpkin who’s looking for a good time out at the talkies.

I’m not sure what it means that Phillip is handcuffed with Hefty twist-ties. His over-acting of his “dangerous” role here doesn’t really have the kind of spooky impact it was searching for. I think that he was more of a danger in a movie like SCENT OF A WOMAN when he was lording his social status over the here-today-gone-tomorrow-after-an-obnoxious-Robin-costume-outing Chris O’Donnell. But, whatever, he’s our nemesis and he’s trying to get it done.

Next, we’re entertained with this movie’s love interest as she slo-mos in and out of pretty person poses. I think at first she’s modeling for some feminine hygiene commercial, her smile unnaturally lingers on the screen for far too long, but then Tom comes in, rocking his super Timex timepiece, all smooth like he’s some player.

Somehow, and I don’t know how this happens, but we go from black night to an almost bawling Cruise as Hoffman escapes in the middle of the day. I’m sure this will be explained later but I’m all out of sorts with what’s happening.

We get a lot of Tom running around like a monkey on the loose, as a car blows up in a flourish of flames, Cruise taking the initiative to take a gun and point it at something. I don’t why it’s so hard to just slow things down a little, just a little bit, to give me bearing. Otherwise, what you have here is just an orgy of action. I love things like this, and I may be a little too harsh in my need for less of an ADD type of teaser and just a smidgen of context but that’s just me.

I do like Tom plunging upside down to his death, his bat-belt no doubt stocked for moments like this, and the pictures of him enjoying his speed boating in some undisclosed European locale. He’s having a good time, the orange Lamborghini which is no doubt being used to transport his female beard, er, girlfriend, but there is one image, in particular, I love so much.

If you slow things down, for a split second, you see Cruise decked out in a priest’s frock. It is no doubt a disguise but it makes me laugh on the inside as I know, for a fact, that Cruise is right; no one would believe he would have anything to do with an organized religion like Catholicism. Too right, my friend, and so subversive.

And in the end, after Tom is blasted into the side of a car after an explosion rocks him into a car (nice effect…) and Ving Rhames slaps Cruise’s hand saying, “Welcome back, bra….”? Come on, we all know Tom is never coming back, ever.

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