Director: Scott Coffey
Cast: Naomi Watts, David Baer, Chevy Chase, Robbi Chong
Release: November 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: ELLIE PARKER races around town from one audition to another, changing make-up, clothes and personality as she speeds along, barely attending to her whirlwind life as she strives to get cast in a movie. As Ellie considers giving up after losing faith in the craft, her manager DENNIS doesn’t exactly talk her out of it. One last insane audition for Ellie, and she’s back in the game? or is she?

Prognosis: Negative. I think there’s some cruel irony behind the litany of movies that focus on the young Hollywood hopefuls and their struggle to get noticed when they’re played by actors and actresses who are already, themselves, discovered.

This movie, I thought, would at least offer up some new reason why Naomi Watts could break through the old and tired setups of a young lady with gumption who just wants that one part to help her break through. What you’ve got here, though, doesn’t feel very real in the sense that since you’re trying to convey a sense of verisimilitude with the digital lens this thing was shot through you want something that people can connect with on the screen.

There isn’t any of that here.

The opening of the trailer is good, it’s solid. Watts is going through a series of vocal exercises, falling short of the Damon/Affleck vocalizations in JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK which were grandiosely goofy and gregarious, and I’m in. I’m right there with her. And then the crap music starts up; it seems purchased from a song bank which deals in nondescript, bland tunes which almost border on distracting. Great job there, people. Then we get our cards in-between the scenes. Usually I don’t care about these things but this, again, seems like it was subcontracted to an Apple store in Alhambra, California with the theme of the workshop being: How to insert graphics into your own home movies using nothing more than your Mac, camera and Firewire.

So, everyone speaks Ellie Parker’s name just so you at home who are as blind as Ray Charles or as stupid as a box of Kleenex and couldn’t read the previous card telling you that Watts’ character is named Ellie Parker. Thanks for that.

We are then treated to Ellie’s hysterics in the audition room. Of course she’s obnoxious and we can all see why she’s Hollywood’s most “UN”employed actress which is just an awesome joke, by the way, but I don’t see why I should like her. She seems emotionally high strung and deluded. I do like that we have an extended scene where she and her girlfriend have a contest to see who can cry first as that just solidifies my impression that I would have no use of this woman in my life if I were ever to meet her. In fact, if I had to draw a parallel to her I would have to peg Watts’ character to that of Beth Beth Stolarczyk of MTV’s Real World 15 minute fame.

It’s almost tragic to watch because the reality is that this crazy chick, and she is nuts as you watch the scenes between the more interesting bits, which consist of a frontal look of Naomi changing her pants in the car and you get a flash of some black underwear. And please. How many trailers has Watts been in where she flashes her undergoods? This makes two now.

Things really take a spin in the other direction when said pants changing ends up in a collision where she hooks up with a dude who likes to wear a feather boa around the house without a shirt. Yeah, classy. She’s a slut in this movie too as she’s hooks up with a couple of dudes along the way, one of which states after some coitus with Watts, that he’s certain he’s gay because he was thinking about Johnny Depp whilst in the throes of passion with her. Oh, and Chevy “The SNL Cast Member No One Seems To Like” Chase pops up as Watts’ agent, father, some patriarchal figure in her life but he almost seems inserted as an afterthought.

I don’t have any clue where to stick this movie but if I had one place where I would have to say in a container marked “Recyclables Only.”

Director: Danny Cannon
Cast: Kuno Becker, Alessandro Nivola, Marcel Iures Stephen Dillane, Anna Friel, Kieran O’Brien
Release: I have no idea but it just got released in Egypt last week if you want to go and catch it.
Synopsis: Like millions of kids around the world, Santiago harbors the dream of being a professional footballer. However, living in the Barrios section of Los Angeles, he thinks it is only that–a dream. Until, one day an extraordinary turn of events has him trying out for Premiership club Newcastle United.

Prognosis: Positive. My first foray off the continental shores landed me in Ireland.

It was during the World Cup of 2002 and since the Irish had placed well enough to be entered in competition the whole country was obsessed, really obsessed, with celebrating every game and every player. Radio was taken over with updates, there was a scandal involving one of their players that was treated with front page hysteria, radio played songs written exclusively for the event and it was during this time when I learned what bunting was; people dressed their homes in green, white and orange as if it was Christmas. It was insanity but I got caught up in it. Even bought a Playstation game to continue the action. I think that’s why I have to admit that I like the look of this contrived, clichéd, overwrought, movie.

But this movie is doomed here in the States and I will tell you why: 1) Who the hell here cares about soccer? Not many people. 2) How well has soccer broadened its audience since it really made a push a decade ago?

Yeah, it’s going to be an uphill struggle.

But, the trailer here opens well enough to be entertaining to me. You’ve got our protagonist Santiago who’s your prototypical dreamer character: always wishing for more than he has. This is evident in his El Rocketeer, Horatio Algier, type approach to his one job as a leaf blower-er and his other job working at a Chinese restaurant where, I swear, has Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA working as the head manager.

It’s here that things take a really sappy turn to the left when we see our man using CARDBOARD for shin guards. I think before that moment we would’ve believed his gumption but it’s just ridiculous. The cheesy voiceover, almost Velveeta-like, doesn’t the movie any favors but I’m still on-board.

Of course, here we get the man who presents an opportunity. The opportunity, of course, means leaving everything behind at his old life, although how could you ever leave Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA behind, yo?

So, he does, and goes to try out for this big soccer team. One of the largest. Only, and this is the way all sports movies go, our young hopeful doesn’t look he can match up against the professionals he’s trying to emulate. The rainstorm tryout, along with the muddy ground and subsequent face plant in said mud, all engender feelings of pity for this kid.

No matter, though, as our young hero is given his one last shot at being on the team, makes it, and then we see him walking onto the field for the first time. You hear his dad shout out ownership of the boy like the yentas from COOL RUNNINGS who were tending bar whilst the Jamaican bobsled team was competing. You see a lot of action shots of our man stepping up to the responsibilities of playing the game. I know, I know, I know, you’re rolling your eyes at this. Hell, I was too but I’ve never seen a soccer movie that I’ve ever wanted to see but this looks like a feel-good story that’ll end up just the way I think it will. Is that a bad thing? Yeah, depending on what kind of movie you’re trying to make but, in the case of this, a completely implausible flick shouldn’t be immediately discarded; I mean, c’mon, Eddie from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is in this.

Director: Peyton Reed
Cast: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Justin Long, Vincent D’Onofrio, Cole Hauser, John Michael
Release: February 17, 2006
Synopsis: After buing a condo together, a couple (Aniston, Vaughn) run into problems paying the mortgage, which ultimately leads to them deciding that they should break up. Because of their situation, they realize that they’re going to have to keep living together under the same roof until then.

Prognosis: Positive. I don’t know if anyone involved with this movie can read this but since I didn’t find ANY production photos on the Internets regarding this movie yet they found it suitable to release a full trailer AND because I didn’t feel like shagging ass to find SOME picture regarding this movie I give you Jennifer Aniston’s ass in its place. I apologize for any perverted, yet oh so delicioulsy neccessary, inconvenience this has caused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn, are they?, aren’t they?, Brad Pitt, blah blah blah; this flick’s got Ralphie in it, dammit!

The OG, the main man, the Toucan Sam, THE effin’ DIRT BIKE KID is in this movie and I think that’s the best part of any advertising campaign that hopes to get people to come out and see this movie. Of course, that’s my opinion but it is a well-reasoned one after all. I mean, you’re going to get 24 hours of pure exposure, to say nothing of the people like me who play that CHRISTMAS STORY disc even before the marathon comes, of Billingsley and if you’re an ad exec you’ve got to somehow, someway, find some way to advertise the fact that Ralphie is in this latest addition to the Aniston Watch compendium.

Again, that’s just me, but since I couldn’t really care less if Aniston is doing “ok” since her divorce I say go for Peter all the way. Since this first incarnation of filmic advertising was done before my world exclusive idea of how best to market this movie I guess I have to see what we’re dealing with here.

First and foremost, one of the better endings in PG movie history to come out between 1985 and 1990 is the final piano suite of Chopsticks when BIG comes to a close; you’ve got a cavity-inducing ending that’s sweeter than an apple pie left to cool on a window ledge and it was a nice way to tie together the picture together as a whole. Here, though, the same sweet melody feels appropriate when juxtaposed against Vince Vaughn’s smirky face (Why does he always look like he was just woken from a nap five minutes before the scene was shot?) and equally biting comments to, der, his ex-wife. The exchange looks uncomfortable and the capitulation of everyone on the couples bowling team when asked by Vince of whether he should be the one to leave the bowling alley, permanently. It’s evident that this is going to real popular with the ladies as they’re the ones who force the vote against Vince, I bet all the ladies will be laughing with the kind of knowing that they could see themselves forcing their P-whipped men to go along with them, present company included, and it’s here that Ralphie, our golden child, gets his full frontal shot on the screen.

We switch songs, themes, getting a pretty stale Social Distortion “Ball and Chain” inserted against Jennifer ostentatiously tossing Vince’s stuff around the home that the two of them share. Jon Favreau and, who would’ve thought he was going to be a part of one of the best things to come and go on television, Jason Bateman look on and we get a little more of Vince, again, looking like he was rousted by a fire alarm in the middle of the night, nursing a bad injury which comes inflicted by comedic heavyweight John Michael Higgins.

“There’s a really big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat…before you know you’re even in a fight.”

The above comment was wonderfully illustrated in the actual fight sequence in question and I have to admit it made me wee a little. Higgins needs to be in more movies, really. The man knows how to play a scene.

And the dovetail to this all? Ralphie asks for the bowling shirt back from the initial sequence to this trailer and, again, comedy gold erupts from the ground when Billingsly explains the reasons why.

This is a well-executed trailer.

Director: Bryan Singer
Cast: Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, James Marsden, Hugh Laurie, Kal Penn, Eva Saint Marie
Release: June 30, 2006
Synopsis: In this semi-sequel to the first two “Superman” films, the classic hero returns to Earth after having been missing for six long years. What he finds astounds him – the world he knew has changed for the worse. In his absence, the forces of evil have regrouped like never before. Even Lex Luthor, once an outcast, has risen to the heights of power in Metropolis. And when an old enemy from Krypton reappears, Superman must fight his neverending battle like never before, amidst a world that has forgotten what it’s like to have a hero.

Prognosis: Positive. I didn’t see any of the footage of the newest Superman movie at Comi-Con.

I heard it was really good; that Bryan Singer looked wiped out from being in the middle of production, being gracious enough to pay the geek squad a visit; and that what many saw gave them hope that Jon Cryer’s Spandau Ballet haircut didn’t permanently cripple a once great franchise. Did it ever get any better, really, than Terrence Stamp’s Zod? I think not.

What’s been done, here, though, has given me hope that what’s about to come to theaters next year could be an affirming moment in believing that as long as you have filmmakers on a project that want to tell a great story and want to treat the material with reverence without focusing on which fast food chain will claim the licensing rights to offer the Clark Kent “protein” shake, which I’ve heard consists of warm yogurt and an ounce of a secret identity ingredient, then you’ve got the power to resurrect the dead.

What I really like about this teaser trailer is that it really does what it should: excite, tantalize and amaze.

I remember the big hubbub about GODZILLA years ago was that the reptilian beast wasn’t going to be shown at all in any of the trailers. I remember that I was annoyed at this strategy. At that point in my life I was just a measly fan but I felt like I was on the outside, looking in at the film. The disaster that was GODZILLA at the box office proved that you can’t sit on things like this and this teaser doesn’t.

The tease starts out more like a annoying flirtation with that a third (!) of the length of this thing is just showing off who is responsible for resurrecting this property but that’s easily forgotten as Marlon Brando’s voiceover starts the theme of this movie: that Kal-El, even though he is going to be raised as human, not one of them. Those erudite enough to have read it Marlon’s sentiment echoes the crux of what Beowulf was all about and it’s perfectly apt here.

The money shot, one of many, starts right in with Clark falling through the roof of a rickety old barn. The way his body stops before he hits the ground, his arm covering his eyes, gives you a moment to linger.

And this is when the brass section of John Williams’ kicks in and you get a wonderfully composed shot of the early morning in rural Kansas. And that’s one thing you see a lot in this trailer: wonderfully composed shots. Singer’s eye knows how to frame a shot and nowhere is that more evident than in the shots of young Clark leaping through a cornfield and where dozens of people are staring up at the sky on a city street. The latter image lingers because of the way they’re placed. It’s done on purpose and it’s effective because it creates a sense of awe.

I think I do like seeing Supes walking stridently across a rooftop, on his way to connect with Lois, but I don’t think the actual presence of Superman’s being is better shown than when he’s pictured high above the land at night. He’s there, I can’t guess why he has his eyes closed but I guess it “looks cool,” but as he rockets back to Earth, that final crack of the sound barrier being broken is the best way possible to end this thing.

I cannot even guess what’s in store for audiences come next summer.

Director: Darren Aronofsky
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Ellen Burstyn, Sean Gullette
Release: TBA (What a shocker.)
Synopsis: The Fountain is an odyssey about one man’s thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. As a 16th century Conquistador, a modern-day scientist, and a 26th century astronaut, he searches for the secret to eternal life.

Prognosis: My Lord still holds true… I can’t say, like other, higher level, Internets writers, that I’ve visited the set of THE FOUNTAIN; my invitation obviously got lost in the e-mail. I can’t claim to have had wonderful, introspective chats with Darren Aronofsky as he’s editing the movie, either. I can only lay claim to have been in the room with other Internets writers as we all vied for his fatherly attention at the Comic-Con. The simple fact is, I’m jealous of all those other people who have had close contact with the man over this movie because there is no way you could be gestating this kind of movie, for as long as he has, without getting some great insight into what he’s been doing with this movie; I haven’t seen any of that with the other people he’s talked to but maybe I’ll get the chance before all is said and done. If this trailer is any indication of what Herr Aronofsky has been doing for the past few centuries I am officially on the PR bandwagon.

Not knowing what to expect from this movie, just roughly having an idea of what it’s about, I heard that the footage that was screened at the Con this year was confusing; it didn’t give people a solid grasp on things. The trailer here opens with basics. That’s what’s, initially, so good about this.

“1 MAN”

Okay, what this trailer needs you to do is think and process things a little. Yes, the gasps can be heard all the way back to the cheap seats of the 10:30 pm showing of VENOM but it’s fairly intuitive that what when this graphic comes up the one man in question is Hugh Jackman. I’m not going to break too bad on the lettering but, even in the post-modern sense, it’s not really demonstrative in the way that the teaser poster is. It’s pretty much a New Times Roman font and while it doesn’t necessarily take away from the really, really engaging visuals it is fairly disappointing.

That said, the first few clips of Hugh are really insatiable. In the first clip, with his haggard old school beard, the second, his coif perfectly intact but looking equal parts despondent and angry, and the last, and most curious, Bald Hugh with golden twinkling somethings dripping behind him.

You get no words here but that’s fine.

“1 LOVE”

Rachel Weisz. You get her in all sorts of good-looking-ness. It should be enough to state that her part here is obviously to be Hugh’s love interest but even without seeing them together you just feel the attraction between the two of them. It pulsates through the screen.

“1 QUEST”

Hugh is on the move in all three scenes, I particularly like Monkey Hugh as he climbs a very bright, Waiting For Godot type tree. I haven’t a clue what any of these things mean but rather than being bothersome it’s evokes interest in me.

“1000 YEARS”

I love this bit of the trailer. The beats of the tribal drum, kind of reminds me of The Drummers of Burundi, a wicked African troupe, mixed in with old Hugh as he races on his old horse towards a bright city and, as the camera twists angles in a smooth circular motion, modern Hugh racing towards a city in his car is just compelling to look at. There is a real sense of immediacy which, if you’re in tune with it, you just feel something’s wrong.

The ending, where future Hugh gets stripped of his clothing in a blinding white light, and where he walks slowly though shallow water towards a spindly, leafless tree, evokes the most questions but I think it’s fairly obvious of what all this is supposed to mean. It’s almost enough to make one go mad that this movie isn’t here yet.

I do hope the movie is as good as this trailer. From what I see here the wait between pictures from Darren may well be worth all the centuries I’ve had to wait.

And I think, as I’ve meditated on the imagery, what little there is to soak in, is that there really seems to be something that’s really evoked in the presentation here.

More than it just being another Aronofsky movie there is a feeling of three, different stories that are going to be told across a wide timeline. Sure, we know that this movie deals with the same guy, same woman, there’s the promise of the kind of movie that is at once traditional yet completely different.

My feeling is that the trick here is not just the successful completion of one movie but of the successful envisioning of all three stories. You’ve got to remember that you, ultimately, in basic storytelling, want to work up to a point where everything that comes after is just resolution. Darren has to take all three threads and make them peak in a complimentary way while also taking care to resolve them all so that the end makes you feel that while there are three stories there is only room for one ending.

It’s a daunting task, and writers who have had to live with one story for a long time can attest to this, but one that is also fraught with the danger that you’re constantly trying to remember what made the story so good when you first began.

Leave a Reply