Director: Thomas Bezucha
Cast: Claire Danes, Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Dermot Mulroney, Craig T. Nelson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson
Release: November 4, 2005
Synopsis: The comedy revolves around the annual holiday gathering of a bohemian family that’s thrown into turmoil when the fair-haired son introduces his fiancée, a high strung New York businesswoman whom the family hates.

Prognosis: Gak! There are a lot of times when I compare a flick to something you’ve already seen so as to give you, the audience, an idea of where it’s coming from. I like to wait until I’m near finished with my review to break it down but there are cases, like this one, where I can’t allow things to begin without first writing down in which vein this one exists. From the top:

FATHER OF THE BRIDE
SEX AND THE CITY
MEET THE PARENTS
CHRISTMAS VACATION
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER (THE WHITE VERSION)
And…
Every movie could ever think of where you have someone who has to meet a family for the first time, is nervous about it and finds out that the family is filled with a bunch of eccentrics. Let the zany, wacky, unhinged-ness begin.

Oy.

I can see why the ladies like having movies of their own to look forward to and I don’t mean to disparage them here, as I do like a good one every now and then, but there’s something played out about the premise of this film.

When we start the scene is all beset with the trappings of a terrible cliché. You’ve got Jessica going to meet Dermot’s family for the first time, again a movie where you have two people dating for long enough to get engaged but not long enough to go meet mom and dad. I understand there are Shakespearian love throngs where some people find themselves overwhelmed with desire for another individual and there is simply no time for formalities but, God damn, if my girl was dating some dude I would think, if I wasn’t responsible for her leaving the house, she’d want me to meet the guy early on.

Oh well, such is Hollywood.

So, you have the crazy, eccentric family. You have some members of the fam already talking smack about Jessica, who is showing signs of a woman desperately trying to hold onto the CITY look which is either slipping away from her or was just badly put together by her make-up artist, and you can tell by the family’s daughter that she’s out to really make things difficult; this means you can expect some zany situations, if you haven’t already figured that out.

You already have the bitchy sister who verbally won’t relent in making it known that Jessica looks like she was imported from a Jackie-O fashion show, circa 1968, with the attitude to match, but there is also Luke Wilson who seems to be written as the guy who will try to/not to but inadvertently take her away from Dermot. The lingering stare at the bottom of the stairs that he has with Jessica standing at the top is at once obvious and sad. I know that women everywhere find these kinds of formulas the best things, evar, but I do have to say that the trailer does follow the formula for Crappy Shameless Christmas Grab For Your Cash quite nicely.

What’s really hard for me to understand is why the producer of SIDEWAYS would, first, think that since SIDEWAYS was obviously done for the love of the story that the story is not important as long as you get enough zeros at the end of that payday and why, after we get so many people talking in this thing, that Claire Danes gets first billing. It’s alphabetical, I know that, but she doesn’t say a damn word. At all. Who is she and why is she there? I dunno. Trailer Guy didn’t hip me to it. Frustrating. Oh, and the part where all the girls are laughing with one another, after Jessica and Rachel McAdams swore their unyielding hatred for one another, and giggling on the floor? Lame. Every woman who cries at Kodak commercials will find this ending irresistible and I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy who will get sucked into this film because of it.

Director: Julian Jarrold
Cast: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Linda Bassett, Josh Cole, Joel Edgerton, Sarah Jane Potts
Release: October 7, 2005 (UK)
Synopsis: A man finds an unlikely ally in Lola, a brassy cabaret singer, in his effort to save his father’s shoe factory.

Prognosis: Positive. “Sex shouldn’t be comfy!”

I agree.

It SHOULD provoke the kind of pain that is at once painful and deliriously enjoyable. But, that’s not what is at issue here. What is, however, is the premise of this film which posits that a new line of footwear is desperately needed in order to save the blue collar jobs of some loyal employees of a shoe manufacturer.

What seems, I know, on the surface as a boring, trite and all together lame kind of movie really does deserve a look-see by the viewers out there as this trailer gives us the newest performance by Nick Frost of SHAWN OF THE DEAD fame. Nick was the other 50% of the reason why SHAWN is so re-watch-able again and again. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The voiceover in this movie is tenderly tendered by our protagonist, a humble sounding Englishman who wants to tell us a story. Again, it almost seems enough to make a dude want to go see the trailer for DOOM again but stick with it. The words “Inspired by a true story” always manage to wrangle an extra quarter or two out of my stingy time pocket and I’m glad I did.

We quickly come to the crux of the film in that the premise is based on the fact that a very traditional shoe shop needs a new product and a woman in nice looking heels will be the inspiration which will allow them to do that all the while with Nick being the antagonizing force behind it all; he does that part extraordinarily well. While Nick drools over the prospect of getting him some of that sensual loving, the trailer leading you to believe he really would fancy a night of some of that, the tempo changes the moment our “lady” really turns out to be a dude; a dude who, prior to revealing that information, lovingly situated himself in Nick’s lap. The look on Nick’s face is at once to be expected and, as well, to be utterly amusing.

The rest of the trailer plays itself as a jaunty comedy, much like in the vein of THE FULL MONTY, without the man-ass. The man behind the movement to bring CALENDAR GIRLS the world to us is responsible for this and while that isn’t a smashing or ringing endorsement for anyone here to rush out and get tickets it is enough for me to categorically state that the whole point of the Trailer Park is to point out when the advertising gets it right or wrong.

It may not be gripping or exciting but the blokes who slapped this one together should be commended on getting the right bits together to send to an audience who are looking for an easy time at the cinema. If that means those people get a little more exposure to Nick Frost then I say they are better off for it.

Director: Ang Lee
Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Linda Cardellini, Anna Faris, Anne Hathaway, Randy Quaid, Michelle Williams
Release: December 9, 2005
Synopsis: The new film from Academy Award-winning director Ang Lee. An epic love story set against the sweeping vistas of Wyoming and Texas, Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two young men – a ranch-hand and a rodeo cowboy – who meet in the summer of 1963, and unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, one whose complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.

Prognosis: Positive. Rump wranglers.

There, it’s out there and it’s out of the way.

Before I had ever seen one frame of footage from this movie all I ever got to hear was how this was a movie based on some gay cowboys. Apart from imagining Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal playing The Bone Ranger and trying to think about what was going to be inserted into, or left out of, the final print was perhaps the one thing on my mind.

In the climate of people having to pull back on the kinds of “art” which is allowable by the true Scorpion Kings, the MPAA, before receiving a ratings lashing I was on the lookout for anything which may have been done with the final print. Since I didn’t hear a peep I am left to assume that this is the version which I’ll be seeing in a coupe of months.

I’m glad that the ads are just like this one.

It’s hard to be completely non-judgmental, mentally, about seeing this trailer for the first time because I honestly was thinking the whole time I was watching it that I wanted to see these dudes engage one another. Now, as to if that meant a peck on the cheek or something which I know would raise the temperature of those in the red states of America I don’t know. I just know that because the movie was talked about so much in that regard I was expecting it; hoping to see it right out of the gate. I didn’t get that and I am glad I didn’t.

The trailer takes a very exacting approach to its development. We start at the beginning and work our way into how these men drew closer to one another. The other caveat I offer is that I hate cowboy movies. I don’t hate them, that’s pretty strong, but I just can’t stand them for some reason. They just seem false to me. DANCES WITH WOLVES, LAST OF THE MOCHICANS, that one with Sharon Stone, I just didn’t like them. This, though, doesn’t seem so “western,” if I could use that designation, as it does a character profile, something which just happens to be set in this kind of environment and is not caught up in it.

Jake and Heath meet quite innocently enough, Ang’s visuals already at work in the opening sequence as we establish these men’s lives. They bond, homosocially, at first, the way all men label bonding when they think of how they dig hanging out with this or that guy. The friendship is there first and foremost and I think that was important to show here. It grounds the rest of the story and I hope people can see that’s what happening.

Then, out of nowhere, there is the moment which evokes that Del O’Griffith/hotel bed/between two pillows record scratch. It’s tastefully done, doing more than just hinting but doing less than showing you everything, but the morning after for these guys doesn’t seem very loving. It’s downright frigid and I can’t/can understand why they want to bury what happened between them.

The trailer does a wonderful job of pushing on that fast forward button ever so slightly. A nice musical interlude carries us through many years of Heath and Jake’s closeted heterosexual lives, Heath spawning two little kids in the process, but we come to the hard part, the moment we’re all too keen and hip about: they’re gonna do it again. And they do. Heath is like a little woman as he tries to put his arm around Jake’s neck, it would be downright hilarious if it wasn’t so serious, and when Michelle Williams, Heath’s “wife” accuses him of doing “more than fishing” with Jake, the man goes ballistic.

The last moments are perfectly constructed, carefully weaving so many different money shots that it feels more like the displays of a great director at work than it does shameless wool pulling by the trailer makers who would just as soon show you the best moments they’ve got and have nothing else.

There seems to be a lot more here and it shows.

Director: Katrina Holden Bronson
Cast: Elizabeth Banks, Laura Cayouette, Kick Gurry, Ken Jackson, Johnny Knoxville, David Koechner, Juliette Lewis
Release: September 25, 2005
Synopsis: From executive producer Quentin Tarantino comes Johnny Knoxville as Daltry Calhoun. Daltry is the go to guy, the man with a plan. A man who’s life, and failing grass seed empire, takes an unexpected turn with the arrival of a young daughter he never knew. With his life thrown into complete chaos, Daltry must try and figure out how to save his business while at the same time learning to be the father he never thought he could be.

Prognosis: Ah, no. I didn’t think that Miramax puts out films like these. Oh, and Quentin Tarantino is the executive producer on this but I don’t see anything coming close that would indicate this flick has his stamp of approval.

It’s not a knock, I don’t mean it to be, but this seems like a film more suited to MTV Films’ imprint than it does the studio which has brought so many artistic visions to the screen. This film is the simulacrum, if you will, of all that I assumed Miramax was. That’s okay, though, because we’re all here to broaden our filmic horizons and where better to start than with a Johnny Knoxville vehicle. And I’ll be honest about this as well: I loved Jackass. I loved the television show, I loved the movie, twice I liked the movie in theaters, and I genuinely think that Johnny is a great entertainer. This trailer, though, subdues that or hides it entirely behind this façade of an entertainer trying hard not to entertain while donning an actor’s mask. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

We start out with Johnny on television while watching him from the fake television set. It’s all very 4th wall-ish but I assume it is in play here as to show how his role is that of a man who sells grass, “the legal kind,” as the trailer so amusingly points out.

What’s a little strange is that his character’s rise from nothingness to greatness involves him being a great businessman in this small town where this story takes place. There’s nothing really remarkable about this po-dunk backwater but Knoxville is revered as the town’s success story. He’s rich and he has access to a bikini wearing Juliette Lewis straddling a motorcycle but he freaks out, refusing the tempestuous and tantalizing vittles which I am sure she wants to offer up to his consumption. Things get a little weird as we try and understand exactly what kind of person Knoxville is playing. Is it a straight-laced yuppie that we’re to assume has never had any kind of real thrill in his life? I don’t believe or buy it.

We don’t linger too long, unfortunately, on Juliette as we are whisked away to Johnny trying to create a golf course which will displace Augusta as the location where the Master’s are played every year. What’s disappointing is that before we can really simmer on the idea of what exactly it is we’re seeing we get Hollywood’s “IT” girl, Elizabeth Banks, interjecting out of nowhere that, as a former love interest of Johnny’s, he is now responsible for a girl he never knew he had. The girl in question is, of course, one of these good looking kids which are always the case for people who find out they have a kid years later after they skate out on the kids’ mothers.

What’s more, or less, depending on your view, is that this girl is talented and Banks wants to move in with Knoxville for a while, for some reason, I haven’t a clue as to why it’s kosher so many years after the deed’s been done. This girl is also imbued with the ability to rationalize and possesses great knowledge which serves the plot in ways I can’t even begin to try and explain.

The trailer goes from Johnny’s triumphant reign as small town hero to his hapless quest to have the kind of relationship with his girl every father would love to have. It gets sappy real quick and I am still not sure I buy any of it. The manipulative music in the background doesn’t make me change my mind and even as we barrel to the last moments of this trailer I can see that’s the direction we’re going.

Am I cynical or am I too consumed with the recurring image of Johnny getting kicked in the scrotum by kindergartners to let it all go? Either way I am just not convinced as to why I need to spend good money on this film.

Director: Mikael Håfström
Cast: Jennifer Aniston, Clive Owen, Vincent Cassel, Melissa George, RZA, Xzibit
Release: November 11, 2005
Synopsis: DERAILED is a suspense thriller about ad exec and family man Charles Schine (Clive Owen) who meets business woman, Lucinda (Jennifer Aniston), on the commuter train to Chicago. Flirtation quickly escalates, but their fling turns dangerous when a violent criminal, LaRoche (Vincent Cassel), blackmails them, promising to reveal their indiscretion and threatening their families if they to not pay him. With their lives thrown terrifyingly off-course, they must figure out how to turn the tables on LaRoche and save their families.

Prognosis: Sure. True story:

I used to work for this health care place, I can’t really tell you where it was because I left there after they thought it was groovy to break some federal laws governing their business, but I worked there scheduling the help that went into one couple’s home; the guy was old but his woman was not. The both of them were in need of 24 hour assistance and I came to find out that they were in this care state because the woman who lived with this guy was not his wife and was, indeed, this dude’s girlfriend. Like a page ripped out of Edith Wharton’s “Ethan Frome” this dude was stepping out on his wife, rolling about town in his pimp luxury car with this woman, and was caught in an accident which has rendered him dependent on other people for the rest of his life. The wife left him, took most of the guy’s dough, and was far removed from this man’s personal hell long before I came along. If there ever was a more stark reason you shouldn’t cheat on your significant other I wouldn’t be able and tell you anything more gripping than that.

That said, though, the trailer leaves me feeling blasé. I’m not really sure this would be the one of the first films out of the newly polished Weinstein imprint gate but Jennifer Aniston’s Q rating at astronomical levels and Clive Owen’s smoky mystery, thanks to his crazy-ass role in CLOSER, this movie could bring out the older demographic.

We start out in Chicago (Give up for Al’s Italian Beef on Taylor St.! Reckless Records on Broadway! wOOt!) and we are fed the images that both Aniston and Owen are two hard-working, dedicated family people who have nothing on their minds but their careers and their families. I especially enjoy Owen’s fancy dance run to catch a leaving Metra train headed for the city; sorry, my English twit, but if you’re running to catch a train you’re not going to get anywhere near it by mincing towards a locomotive like you’re trying to evade the Girl Scouts.

I do like the whole commuter train ride vibe they capture. I remember, quite fondly, of my excursions into Chicago proper using Metra and I can attest to the rocking, horn blowing enjoyment of rocketing through some of the most congested areas of the Northwest Suburbs with great ease because of this mass transportation miracle. It can evoke some lustiness, I’ll grant it that, but I don’t think that people like Clive and Aniston would be so quick to pull out the family wallets to share pictures with one another. It feels forced, like they had to do it in order to make you feel that their quick hump later is destroying more than the two of their marriages.

I am a fan, I must admit, of Clive’s sneaky subversion to get a piece of some of that Jennifer ass. His dark and evil voice, which he uses to move in on Jennifer, is not only the same kind of voice he employs in near every role where he has to display some sense of cunning but it honestly never gets old. The man’s a pro.

Things get hot. I mean they are rolling on a hotel bed, don’t they know the hotel staff never wash that top sheet, the Cum Blanket as I so affectionately refer to it because of people exactly like Owen and Aniston, and their hair is all wet, so is their clothes. The music is only a step above a porno soundtrack but it’s still hot. When Johnny Gun forces his way into these people’s lives, clad in a trademark black bad guy toque and matching clothing, and for a moment I am left to assume that the gun shot I hear is the one shooting one of them. It’s a red herring I guess as the music changes and it’s a real fast paced sprint to the trailer’s finish. There’s money all around, guns, knifes, running, evading, crashing and almost every conceivable, dramatic action one can perform. It’s a bit tired but I have to admit that if I am at a loss for something to see on a Saturday afternoon that I may just put this on films not to avoid should everything else I want to see be sold-out or almost full.

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