Director: Brad McGann
Cast: Emily Barclay, Matthew MacFadyen, Miranda Otto, Colin Moy, Jimmy Keen
Release: June 10, 2005 (Seattle Int’l Film Festival)
Synopsis: Paul (Macfadyen), a prize-winning war journalist, returns to his remote New Zealand hometown due to the death of his father, battle-scarred and world-weary. For the discontented sixteen-year-old Celia (Barclay) he opens up a world she has only dreamed of. She actively pursues a friendship with him, fascinated by his cynicism and experience of the world beyond her small-town existence. But many, including the members of both their families (Otto, Moy), frown upon the friendship and when Celia goes missing, Paul becomes the increasingly loathed and persecuted prime suspect in her disappearance. As the violent and urgent truth gradually emerges, Paul is forced to confront the family tragedy and betrayal that he ran from as a youth, and to face the grievous consequences of silence and secrecy that has surrounded his entire adult life.

Prognosis: Positive. Why aren’t there more imports like this?

You know, once in a while, man yearns for a good, old-fashioned mystery done right without the trappings of red herrings, obvious clues and poor resolutions. This seems like such an easy thing to bring to the marketplace but in the age of Bigger, Better, Louder these kinds of films are now relegated to the fringes of the cinematic radar for most people.

And that’s fine, really, because when you see a trailer like this you get interested in what it’s all about and this will, hopefully, be the second best movie to come from the land down under. (I tell you what, I can’t write that line without thinking of the dude with the lazy eye from Men at Work. Creeped me out completely as a kid. Still does. Sheesh. I can’t even watch that episode of Scrubs without wondering which way he’s looking…) The first real good mystery to come out of AU, and one I implore you to check out, is THE INTERVIEW with Hugo Weaving. Top notch. I still like going back to that movie and watching the way the storytelling drove that film more than anything else.

This movie, though, looks to do the same thing but it’s not quite apparent when things open up.

“17 years ago he went away…”

We launch into a tale of a boy who moves out of his house; this being New Zealand I guess he decided to just mosey on down the island road to another ostrich farm but I guess he’s done something a little more rewarding. We don’t know the how, when, where or why but we just accept that this boy vanishes as are quickly thrown into a classroom where he’s introduced, years later, as someone important who’s about to speak to a gaggle of students.

The only bump in the quick way we’re getting a lot of information is two-fold. One, he’s in front of a class full of kids and we really can’t infer that it’s because he’s taken some pictures judging by the quick shot of some woman with blood on her hands. It’s too quick. Slow down. It’s ok to take some time to explicate. Two, we start in with the quotes from all those fabulously famous of New Zealand’s newspapers. It’s great and all but they come awfully quick, too. Slow down.

Now, apart from all this, we get the point that the guy who’s talking to the students has been away from his family. The first blood relative we meet is this guy’s brother who is shocked as shit to see the man. The music and direction and pacing are perfect. I love it.

There is friction there between the boys and I can only assume that this would’ve been the case if he left the family and never bothered to ringy-ding once in a while.

Next, after some real quick cuts of the family farm and pastures, we meet up with a young, teenage girl. She’s pretty and she stands sheepishly in front of our wayward brother. She tells him that she found this small space, ostensibly the family farm that’s possibly been abandoned for some time, and she explains what she’s been doing there.

There is some real intimacy, social intimacy between two people you pervs, between the two and she goes on to talk about her life’s dreams with this guy. He listens and she tells him about where she wants to be someday. It’s affective and presented well because it takes its time to explain.

And then the mood changes. The teenage girl goes missing.

Whups.

You can see where things are going from here. He’s the only person to have seen her last, he’s implicated in her disappearance and there’s more than enough suspicion to go around.

The clips at the end are too confusing to put into a coherent order but it’s enough that I feel like I want to know what happened to her. Did the drifter brother kill her, did he help her leave the country, did his brother do it or was it Shakey, the town drunk, who let a pack of rabid ostriches peck her to death?

I don’t know but what I do know is that I am going to have to wait an extraordinarily long time to find out as there’s no way in hell this will be playing in this part of cactus country and that’s the real shame.

Director: Bob Gosse
Cast: Lili Taylor, Courtney Love, Mischa Barton, Noah Emmerich
Release: July 1, 2005
Synopsis: A woman attempts to realize the dreams she never knew she had.

Prognosis: Negative. Man, would I wouldn’t give to hit Courtney Love in the head with a large red brick.

I wouldn’t want to hurt her, per se, but if there was anyone who desecrates the memory of their dead rock n’ roll husband more than anyone else in this world Courtney would be at the top of that list. At least Yoko Ono had the business savvy to realize that John Lennon’s music should live on, has been more than a tad generous with the musical library John had left behind and has managed to not make public spectacles of herself on a near constant basis. Courtney just needs to relegate herself to Attention Whore status and stop with the tucks, lifts and augmentations.

Do you see what’s happened here? She’s the first thing I saw in this trailer and I am already riled up with things that don’t have anything to do with the flick itself.

However, beyond that, Lily “I Know it Looks Like I’ve Just Woken Up All The Time” Taylor seems to play a put-upon wife who has aspirations. Judging by her make-out session with Courtney in the beginning I am assuming lesbianism is the first thing on that to-do list. Higher education seems be relegated to number two as she eye-spies a form that talks about getting one’s GED.

Lily’s home life seems to be consumed with taking care of a couple of rug rats who are old enough to know what it means when daddy says “Hell no” to Lily’s request to go back to school. I’m not sure if it’s just my hippy sense of openness and realizing the value of getting educated but her husband’s passionate response to Lily’s request to obtain her diploma seems a bit played out. Are there still dudes out there that feel threatened by a woman getting smart? Are there Neanderthals who are so insecure that they would vehemently deny their ladies the chance to do something with their lives? I guess there are as when Lily’s husband leaves her in a rage of disappointment that he does so because he can’t keep his wife barefoot and stupid.

I almost hear the sounds of “Gloria” in the background and I start thinking that this will be a movie about female empowerment but the ding-dong at her apartment door when she has to start all over on her own reveals Courtney Love in all her trashy, exploitative glory hole-ness.

It looks like the two of them will be a modern day Laverne and Shirley with the exception that this duo seems to be inspired by the Isle of Lesbos and the poetics of Sappho and Catullus and the other seemed to be inspired by Milwaukee and Bratwurst. Seriously, there is a lot of female on female kissing going on in this thing and I wish to hereby proclaim a pox on Love for making it the most asexual experience I’ve ever been privy to. It really is gross in a $2 hooker kind of way. Made me ill, it did.

What’s neat, though, is that Lily goes on to get her education and we get a pre-suicidal, pre-freak-out Spaulding Grey who is no doubt going to be the impetus for the catalyzing change in Lily. He will fill the “Wise old man” role that will show Lily that there is more to life than just taking care of kids who will no doubt break your heart by stealing money out of your wallet, doing drugs, sleeping with the opposite sex under your roof as you’re out working and who will pretty much run roughshod over everything you hold dear.

This does seem like a “Gloria” kind of film, though, but I am unsure how the mix of her sexual awakening with a dirty ho, her yearning to better her intellectual life and how this all fits into a paradigm of the modern family will come off.

For all the shots I am taking it I can say that it looks like a pretty good movie with a lot to say. I just don’t know, though, what to make of Courtney. I weep for the future.

Director: Roman Polanski
Cast: Ben Kingsley, Barney Clark, Jamie Foreman, Harry Eden, Leanne Rowe
Release: September 30, 2005
Synopsis: An adaptation of the classic Dickens tale, where an orphan meets a pickpocket on the streets of London. From there, he joins a household of boys who are trained to steal for their master.

Prognosis: Bi-Polar. Just so we all agree: Roman Polanski is still wanted in this country for the drugging and raping of a 13- year-old girl in 1977 at Jack Nicholson’s pad, right? He hasn’t ever stepped foot in this country because he knows that he would more than likely be sent to a federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass prison where they take care of pedophiles like him with some prison justice? Raped a girl? Right?

Right.

So, what I see here, in this teaser is really good.

I like that instead of a lot of quick clips that pretty much confound the hell out of everyone there is a drawn out scene that not only establishes the time and place but gives us an idea of what this story is about.

As an English major I know this probably should’ve been part of my literary canon but it wasn’t as I’ve concerned myself with other literary fare so it’s nice to see I can do a little “catch-up” with this flick.

It opens up on a wonderfully painted scene of old-time England. It looks like it’s at the dawn of the industrial age where soot, black-lung and child labor were the Holy Trinity’s. You can see just in the first few seconds that it’s a gloriously painted palette of dinginess, bustle and commerce. The cobbled streets, the horse drawn carriages and the costumes are absolutely engaging. The time is captured on the screen and you believe you’re looking into the way things were.

We get a scene with a young boy standing in the middle of the street who obviously doesn’t care about possibly getting struck by a thoroughbred that might come tearing from around a stone corner or a fruit cart that could possibly be driven by someone who’s busy talking on their megaphone.

The wayward lad looks on as a couple of kids pick the pocket of a well-to-do gentleman who is patronizing the storefront of some bookseller. It looks like all the thieves get is a yellow snot rag but I guess those things might get you a lot on the black lung market.

Anyway, the shop owner comes tearing out of his store, yelling at the boys that they’ve been had. They go off running and the young boy who watched it all go down just stands there, dumbfounded. He didn’t do anything yet he feels the need to scamper like the cur he’s being labeled as by Old Man Winter who runs the shop. The kid almost gets taken out by a Mercedes Mustang carriage, with a black exterior and velvety red goodness inside for open-air seating up to 2 passengers, and takes off through an obvious back lot that stands in for this British city.

It seems like the whole town is after the young kid as dozens are shown running after him and he’s about to get away too but, out of nowhere, a really old guy, I am talking Old Man Winter’s brother, Old Man River, cold cocks the kid on the chin. Just flattens the fucker right on the cobble road. It’s hilarious.

This trailer is worth watching just for the technique the dude employs. Comedy at its best. Needless to say, I’m interested. I really would like to see how this thing is executed.

And speaking of execution, what is the penalty for drugging and raping 13 year-olds anyway? Just curious.

Director: Michael Showalter
Cast: Michael Showalter, Elizabeth Banks, Michelle Williams, Justin Theroux, Peter Dinklage
Release: August 12, 2005
Synopsis: The film chronicles the anxiety-ridden two weeks leading to the marriage of Elliot Sherman who is the quintessential “Baxter” – the nice guy who never gets the girl.

Prognosis: Negative. I was a fan of The State.

I know that at the time when it was getting some decent numbers, audience wise, I knew I was seeing something fairly different when compared to its SNL and Mad TV counterparts. It was funny in some places, strange in many others, but it was good for a laugh. And before it really had a chance to develop, it went away.

Enter, stage left, WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER. That movie really secured me as a fan of their work if, for no other reason, than Christopher Meloni’s crazy ass chef. The members went their separate ways after this and, for the most part, have been very successful at keeping themselves in front of the American public. From I Love The 80’s, 90’s, 70’s and whatever the hell they feel like lovin’ on VH1, Michael Ian Black has made a dime or two playing the deadpan commentator. Ben Garant, Kerri Kenney and Thomas Lennon have done splendid work as members on Reno 911, a solid comedy that’s flown gently under the comedic radar for many people out there.

That’s why I’m confused at this really odd, weirdly formulaic and not very amusing trailer for THE BAXTER.

What’s nice, though, is the set-up. It comes right out of the gate in letting me know that Michael Showalter is this Louis Winthorpe III type with an obnoxiously flimsy sense of character. It starts to grate on my nerves 20 seconds in. Elizabeth Banks, the starlet who just seems to be everywhere nowadays, plays his obnoxiously hot fiancé and who, I might add, I can’t really get a handle on because what kind of a lady like her would be seen with an obvious social and personal retard like Showalter? I’m not sure myself. Michelle Williams plays the obviously shabby temp who works with both Showalter and Banks and who, as most of you can guess within the first 10 seconds, will have something to do in catalyzing a change in Showalter later on. Also, Justin Theroux, a guy who, when he gets older, will probably be the go to guy for all villains, pops in as Banks’ old high school boyfriend and makes some trouble for the couple.

The problem I have, though, is that the further we get into establishing all these quirky people the trailer is essentially not doing its job. I want to be lied to, I want to work hard in finding reasons why I think I’m being manipulated but, at halfway through the trailer, I already know that Showalter’s obvious hack at making a character that’s obviously prim and proper and completely the opposite of everyone else is just annoying and false.

The rest of the trailer just confirms this as Justin moves in closer to Banks and Showalter, in retaliation, as is most movie and television guys are want to do in cases like this, try to eschew their old selves in favor of new ones; more hipper selves; more selves that are the simulacrum of what they believe “cool” should be. And it’s just sad to see the wheels burning off of this bike.

There’s nearly an additional twenty seconds that’s wasted on showing us how “cool” Justin is. Banks and him did the ubiquitous sex weekend during a snowstorm which, as a dude pushing 30, has never happened to me but seems to have happened with every other person in film and TV who has ever had to go through inclement weather for longer than two days.

I guess I expected something a little more funny and not so awful.

Director: Dean Parisot
Cast: Jim Carrey, Tea Leoni
Release: December 21, 2005
Synopsis: An update of the 1977 comedy, where a married couple turn to robbery to pay the bills.

Prognosis: Middle-America Approved. My parents would love this kind of film.

It looks wacky, zany, a little “edgy,” and even, dare I say, slapsticky?

Yes, it looks like all these things and I certainly can’t fault the filmmakers or Jim Carrey who did great work last year in ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. It’s just obvious that Jim needs this kind of picture that lets him revert to some of his more profitable talents. And, you know, it’s not such a bad thing when an A-lister like him sees his house payments going up and has to do a little somethin’ somethin’ to offset some of his living expenses.

Not that I think the trailer does anything special for me, per se, but for those who like their comedy in a milquetoast offering I say, here’s your movie and you will love it.

The opening is almost straight out of THE TRUMAN SHOW. Jim lives on the back lot of a Hollywood studio where everyone, even though they have garages, still park their car in the driveway and have exactly the same schedules so they can have some witty repartee with one another; garages must be where they keep their opium drug dens in these parts of Southern California.

So, after Jim walks out of his house he kicks a stray rubber kickball that’s strategically sitting in his yard through someone’s window off-screen. Judging by the trajectory it should’ve been the same neighbor he ends up talking to but it’s not and who gives a crap anyway, right? All that matters is that he talks to his neighbor and mixes it up with him a little; it establishes that Jim is Jim in this movie and that’s a good thing for Middle America.

The physical humor continues when we cut to Jim and his nuclear family, or for all you red states I should say “Nook-u-ler,” as he straps on a device to keep his dog from barking. The electric shock collar is always good for some laughs. I liked it in Jackass and I like it here. It’s goofy and it’s the kind of giggles that are done at the expense of animal cruelty.

Then it happens.

At one of those fun backyard parties that most suburbanites like to have with each other, a neighbor asks Jim how he’s been so successful.

Cut to a black screen and play “Free Ride.”

Jim and his wife are thieves. They even have a comedic verbal exchange before robbing a coffee house. He yells out, instead of “This is a robbery,” he wants, “Two iced mochas.” He feverously waves his gun around as Tea leaps over a counter, Dukes of Hazzard style, only to take out a coffeepot and various pieces of detritus littering the serving counter. He even thanks the barista for making the mochas. The humor just keeps coming and coming.

The trailer ends with Jim mistakenly trying to hold up a friend of his. The funny comes in when they all just sort of play it off as one big goof and they all just laugh about it like it’s so darn funny he “got” his friend.

Sigh, it takes all kinds.

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