Director: Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly
Cast: Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore, Ione Skye, Kadee Strickland
Release: April 8, 2005
Synopsis: A contemporary romantic comedy about a high school teacher who meets and falls in love with a successful businesswoman. Although their lives are vastly different, the relationship seems perfect until the baseball season begins and she has to compete with his first true love: the Boston Red Sox.

Prognosis: Not entirely negative. I had a buddy of mine, Troy, who recommended I see FEVER PITCH.

It wasn’t this one, but the one made about soccer years ago. He said it was a good movie even if you didn’t like football but since he’s an American version of an English hooligan, my trust in his instincts were blown after he tried to toss a Coca-Cola co2 canister into a bonfire, I never went out and picked it up; I mean, he was and is crazy about football. The boy left the state of Arizona on a near weekly basis just to go to California and watch a bunch of dudes kick around a ball. He was nuts and how good, really, could a soccer movie actually be?

So, you tell me, was this mild fan favorite flick in need of an American remake? Did Coupling need an American remake? Are we going to die of shock when the American version of The Office cripples and buckles under the weight of so much scrutiny from those who love the original? Can it even compare?

I don’t know the answers for most of those questions but for the first third of this trailer we get nothing but an average looking romantic comedy and I feel good knowing I’m right about this one. I do like the Rom Com as a genre, I do, and even though I thought Jimmy Fallon (along with that snobbish prat, Tina Fey) always seemed too self-congratulatory and smug whenever he laughed at his own jokes on Weekend Update I somehow started to like the look of this one.

I’m a newly born Boston Red Sox fan since last year’s season (A-Rod’s bitch slap trying to get to first in the playoffs sealed my opinion of the Yankees) and I can appreciate the idea of one person’s obsession getting in the way of a relationship. It is obsessive compulsive at its most clichéd but it still is a good spin on an old idea even if it is a ripped off one.

Also, the trailer does a good job with getting Drew all set up as the woman who doesn’t know if she’s young enough anymore to deal with someone like Jimmy, the uber superfan. Her friends, obviously, really don’t know if she’s getting involved with the right kind person and we get what are supposed to be humorous glimpses of how deep his fandom goes. I think it’s overplayed just a little bit but this is the alternate universe of the romantic comedy and, therefore, his overindulgence in Sox baseball is seen as cute and not depressingly sad like some of those people whose lives truly do revolve around the sport.

The air of this trailer is light and breezy. There’s nothing required of you other than knowing that Drew and Jimmy are at a supposed “crossroads” when I am sure the whole “it’s either them or me” speech will come out and, by the end, they’ll always be together because they’re really made for one another. Or, you’re thrown the Red Herring and they don’t end up with each other but, surprise, the false ending just sets up the real one where they come together in the end for real.

The trailer does something unique, too, in selling this movies to the ladies: it also sells itself pretty damn well to dudes. Guys can understand and relate to the compulsiveness some have with professional sports. Because Nick Hornby’s novel was about soccer it didn’t make a difference to this film, ultimately, what sport was chosen because the ethos of the novel translates really well to the zeitgeist of contemporary global fandom of any organized sporting activity.

Look, the music for this trailer sucks. The Goo Goo Dolls’ remake of “Give a Little Bit” rubs me the wrong way, the zaniness that the Farrelley’s are bringing to this film seem muted if nothing else, and I am not sure if I could really believe Barrymore and Fallon as romantic interlopers but, crap, if I had to choose between any other movie of this kind of pedigree at the local multiplex I wouldn’t hesitate to see this one for a second. I am sure, though, that others are going to refuse to see this film based on its remake status but one should never simply push away film if it was really because there was money to be made by remaking it for a different audience. It’s a crappy reason to make a film, but it’s fiscally understandable.

Director: David Duchovny
Cast: Robin Williams, Anton Yelchin, David Duchovny, Tea Leoni, Robin Williams, Erykah Badu, Frank Langella
Release: April 15, 2005
Synopsis: An American artist living a bohemian existence in Paris, Tom Warshaw (David Duchovny) is trying to make sense of his troubled adult life by reflecting upon his extraordinary childhood…The year is 1973, and thirteen-year-old Greenwich Village native Tommy Warshaw (Anton Yelchin) is on the brink of becoming a man. While his bereaved single mother (Téa Leoni) continues to mourn the death of his father, Tommy escapes his own grief by causing trouble at school and making afternoon meat deliveries with his best friend Pappas (Robin Williams), a mentally challenged janitor. Following the romantic advice offered by Lady (Erykah Badu) – incarcerated in the infamous Greenwich Village Women’s House of Detention for shadowy reasons – Tommy even experiences his first taste of love. Yet when an unexpected tragedy radically alters his world, Tommy must make a life-defining choice – one that will compel the adult Tom Warshaw, thirty years later, to confront his unfinished past.

Prognosis: Negative. “My name is Tom Warshaw. I’m an American artist….”

This one was real hard to try and understand.

The difficulty I have with this trailer is not that I see David Duchovny riding his bicycle around the Eiffel Tower as he says he’s been hiding from a past that’s catching up to him; that much I can comprehend, however, it is the series of flashbacks that make me wonder, ultimately, what the hell am I supposed to understand about the plot that’s trying to be explained?

We start our travails in comprehension in New York, 1973, and we see David as a small lad in mid-adolescence. He lives with his mom, played by his real wife Tea Leoni (which I am sure there is some good debate material for someone who wants to talk about what kind of Freud issues this role raised for Duchovny), and has a mentally challenged man child for a friend which comes in the pliable skin of Robin Williams. I know it’s a small quibble but the kid’s hair, too, looks kind of fake funky. It looks like the movie version of that kind of haircut circa 1973.

After the moment Williams gets introduced I’m thinking this may again be a role where Williams isn’t really Williams, in much the way I loved his non-self in INSOMNIA, but I am unfortunately kicked in the brain sac when Williams starts his mugging and blatant comedic relief. I guess it really must be ingrained into his wiring.

Duchovny’s mother, wife, Nurse Ratchet look-alike, whatever the hell she’s supposed to be, starts to talk to her young son about the dangers of girls, and probably even mentions the venial sin of self-mutilation as well, I’m trying to piece together this narrative in a way that makes sense. But the long and short of it is that I can’t. The ensuing scenes of the young Duchovny sitting outside of a woman’s prison where I think Erykah Badu is being held for crimes that stem from severe follicle mistreatment only compound my consternation. I can’t make heads or tails out of a goddammed thing.

Here is where someone in their advertising department should really open their eyes and listen: I like Duchovny. I hated X-Files but loved the X-Files movie. I loved RETURN TO ME. Even EVOLUTION wasn’t a complete transgression against humanity and his stint in ZOOLANDER was good and laugh worthy. Point is, you’re trying to tell me why this very capable actor is running from a past but so far, and we’re already halfway through the trailer, I don’t see anything he should be running from. He has a slow-mo for a friend, a psychopath for a mother and he likes chicks. Seems like a normal childhood to me. Whatever’s coming around the bend is almost too late for me to care, even though I’m now sticking around to find out.

I get it, though. This is an “indie” kind of film, you really want to build up the “exposition” of the characters, you want to buck the standard of coming in hard and fast. I get that but give me a reason to see the film.

I finally find out that what he’s running from is an incident of either Duchovny’s younger self or Williams who steals a Schwinn out of a bicycle store window. Even though Williams is shown throwing a rock through the window we are led to believe Duchovny makes him take the fall for him. I don’t know who is lying but I think if the “past” is only limited to the first third of the film things will hopefully be better than they seem.

This looks like a really deep film for David but unless he gives me something more than confusion and frustration I think that’s where this movie will stay in my own estimation.

Director: Michael Winterbottom
Cast: Kieran O’Brien, Margot Stilley
Release: March 11, 2005 (UK)
Synopsis: In between attending rock concerts, two lovers meet for intense sexual encounters.

Prognosis: Positive. Michael Winterbottom is a director who just understands how to develop a movie about the relationship people have with music in a way that is both honest, unique and engrossing at the same time.

This film looks to do just the same thing for modern rock as he did for past pop in 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE.

I really like the opening image of the rock show that starts off this trailer; the blinding white light, the throngs of people screaming, the anticipation of what’s about to come next. It gets you stirred up but that image is quickly countered with one of two very nude people. The soft piano melody plays well with the soft porno-ish depiction of our lovers who are wrapped up in themselves and each other. It’s sweet and endearing.

We hear from the male of the relationship and, instead of taking a prototypical man who cares for only the cooch and have him play his part emotionally distant, we hear him talk lovingly about his woman. He wants her body, true, but he seems more concerned with consuming his woman with everything he has in him; the scenes that go along with this are, again, graphic but that also depends on what your definition is of graphic. If that means any explicit imagery of two adults going at it like sex starved chimpanzees who’ve just discovered their nether regions then, yes, it would qualify but, I would assert, and feel free to disagree, the images are more than graphic. They aren’t meant so much to titillate, which they most certainly do as she’s pretty nice to look at and she’s not my girlfriend knowwhati’msayin’, but these images quickly and effectively establish our two characters. We know they’re in love and how deep it goes. We’ve lost the feeling of the genuine in modern love stories and I don’t really know if the whole movie is like the dalliance I see developing between these two people in the trailer but, to me, it’s there.

They play with one another, the woman making fun of her man, and they are shown spending lots of their time in clubs watching bands that comprise a veritable who’s who of modern rock today: The Von Bondies, The Dandy Warhols, Franz Ferdinand, just names a few who I am sure will be on full display throughout this movie.

What’s odd about all of this is that they could’ve gone, the people who made this film, could have played up the music angle and exploited the hell out of it. Kids would’ve gone “hey, I know that song” and immediacy identified with the vibe of the movie if nothing else. Instead, what we get is the same melodic piano and violin music that begins this trailer which nearly makes a brotha’ weep by trailer’s end. It’s sad in a way but our cute couple seems so happy with where they are and who they’re with that you almost wait for one of them to just pass on.

Near the end of the trailer the slow music is pitched in favor of a quicker number as the screen starts fluttering with performers, our couple, some cards letting us know this was an official selection at Sundance and Toronto, among others, and just as fast as you think we’re going in two different directions with how this trailer wants to go with itself, slow or fast, it’s all done and finished.

Director: Angela Robinson
Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Matt Dillon, Jeffrey Tambor, Carolina Garcia, Michael Keaton, Justin Long, Breckin Meyer
Release: June 24, 2005
Synopsis: Start your engines! Herbie, the most beloved car star of them all, is back and Lindsay Lohan’s got him in Disney’s all new revved-up comedy adventure, HERBIE: FULLY LOADED. Lohan stars as Maggie Peyton, the new owner of Number 53 – the free-wheelin’ Volkswagen bug with a mind of its own – who puts the car through its paces on the road to becoming a NASCAR competitor. Herbie’s got some new tricks under his hood as he takes audiences for an action-packed spin in this high-speed comedy. With an all-star cast along for a wild ride, this comedy puts Herbie to the test – on-road, off-road, on the track and into the record books.

Prognosis: Negative. I never really thought the premise of HERBIE THE LOVE BUG was something that ever necessitated my viewership as a kid.

Those live action Disney movies, for the most part, were just pale imitations of their animated features. Sure, CONDORMAN was really creepy in its own costume sort of way and, thus, sparked my interest in comic books, but it wasn’t until Peter Billingsley’s stint as a young boy with a lovable, emo-laden machine in THE DIRT BIKE KID until I really understood the power of these kinds of films. Knight Rider became an obsession after these epiphanies.

So, it is in this vein that we are brought this new “update” out of the Disney vaults.

The trailer starts with a new look at the old bug. As we 360 around its body we can see what was done to bring this movie into the 2000’s. Disney really wants to create the impression that it’s hip to what the kids like nowadays. The narrative, though, tries too hard as it imbues the Love Bug with personification so we all know that this machine just isn’t some stoner classic from the 60’s but a high performance automobile that, as you can see quickly on it’s speedometer, can go up to speeds of over 160 mph. Huh? Did Xzibit and his peeps from Pimp My Ride get a hold of it? Yes they did and we’re just expected to play along nicely.

Fine, it got a makeover.

So, what’s the plot? Well, in linear fashion we understand that Michael Keaton is the patriarch race man of a family who is all wrapped up in racing. Breckin Meyer plays an inept brother who, as wacky as he is, just isn’t right in the head. The kooky sound effects that go off when he walks into a wall after saying he’s fine, coming on the heels of a collision, just show how unreal we’re going to get with the film. And in unreal I mean how detached from reality this film’s gonna be and it seems to be playing for that real young demographic, the coveted 5-11 year-olds.

Now, I don’t normally take contention with the soundtrack music, ok I do, but when Lohan, and what a great ambassador for kids everywhere she is, Disney must be very proud, sits in Herbie the first time and turns the key, Jane’s Addiction starts playing. Damn. Another one of my favorite songs whored out to the highest bidder.

Well, it’s Lindsay at the wheel instead of the ineffable Dean Jones and from here we get to see just how “zany” things are going to get. At one point the trailer shows Herbie in the middle of a demolition derby, resplendent with a handlebar mustached crazy guy who swears he’s going to crush that bug. Of course, kids, Herbie’s going to be alright and, in fact, while tempting fate with reality, why not put him on a real racing track with NASCARs? And for those of you cynical folks out there who are thinking that he Mouse House is just making this film just for the easy money, Matt Dillion makes an appearance as the nemesis who, I can almost make sure, will try to do harm to our love bug; the black outfit really symbolizes, in a subliminal way because no one could possibly catch on, his character’s motives. I even say look at Dillon’s eyes and tell me that is not a classically trained actor who projects so much evil. It’s downright chilling.

Um yeah, also, when Herbie starts to get the idea of humping the back end of a yellow VW bug, to the sounds of Crazy Town’s “Butterfly,” a song very popular here, locally, in Phoenix to promote a totally nude cabaret, who exactly is this scene trying to appeal to? Autophiliacs? If anyone can convey what something like this is doing in a production that is part sex, part kids yet all the way terrible, let me know.

The rest of the trailer is just more of the same old thing when you’re dealing with a story about a down on their luck family who really needs something special to happen to them. I’m sure the Disney Channel will be campaigning hard to get the young’uns to see this direct-to-video fare but I’ll bet dollars to donuts there will be no mention whatsoever about Herbie wanting to tap that yellow VW ass in its promos on the cable network in-between a new episode of Rolie Polie Olie and Kim Possible.

Director: Richard Linklater
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear, Marcia Gay Harden
Release: June 10, 2005
Synopsis: A fresh take on the irreverent 1976 comedy hit, “The Bad News Bears” follows a grizzled former minor league baseball player who is recruited to coach a woefully inept Little League team to a championship against their hated rivals, the Yankees.

Prognosis: Positive. I think Lupus really freaked me out as a kid.

That little punk really did need a good ass kicking but having one of his teammates try to get involved to defend him, only to get stuffed into a garbage can, predating that John Cusak in a dumpster in BETTER OFF DEAD by a good number of years, was just slightly queer when he had condiments dripped all over him. The sympathetic sensation I had of what it must have felt like to be covered in that goo, and to have it done while wearing a polyester blend uniform just skeeved me out. Tatum O’Neil, though, was definitely part of the hook that made that movie so easy to watch; that, and Engelberg with his candy fascination and bad attitude. That Engelberg sure made me laugh as a kid.

The original BAD NEWS BEARS was a good film because it really screwed with convention about how sports films were supposed to go. Having Walter Matthau as the team’s drunkenly alcoholic manager just adds to the great originality of the movie.

This trailer, for this big studio incarnation, starts things off just right.

With the slow din of trumpets playing in the background, the screen completely black, the words “If you were raised to believe in sportsmanship…” slowly make their way in front of you. I appreciate what’s coming next only because everyone should know by now how facetious this statement is when you get the clue this is the Bad News Bears.

And then we see him: Billy Bob Thorton.

He talks about baseball, the love of the game, how it doesn’t always love you back, and as he’s talking to his young baseball wards, he ties everything together by using an analogy of dating a German chick. The kids on the screen really don’t get it but I had great faith in where this film was going after that.

Fielding practice is first on the list. Billy knocks a ground ball, cigarette between his lips, towards a line of young boys who are gathered around second and third base. You see a kid in a wheelchair just sit there as the ball ricochets off his wheel with a ding.

“Good hustle,” Billy says. Comedy gold, my good man, I say.

Greg Kinnear looks great as the antagonizing coach, his team getting into fisticuffs with the Bears, and Billy Bob is right there to not only admonish them for fighting but for fighting disgracefully like “Helen Keller at a piñata party.”

Hooters, Hooters the restaurant, the skuzzy vibe that Billy Bob needs to have in order to pull this off, and some raucous behavior from all involved is in full boar. His delivery is almost too easy but this really does look like a film catered to Billy’s sensibilities.

This actually is a welcomed remake from what I can see and I hope Richard Linklater can do it in a way Walter would’ve approved of.

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