Director: Jaume Serra
Cast:Elisha Cuthbert, Jared Padalecki, Jon Abrahams, Damon Herriman, Paris Hilton, Emma Lung, Chad Michael Murray, Robert Ri’chard, Brian Van Holt
Release: April 29, 2005
Synopsis: A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover that the brothers have expanded upon the area’s main attraction – the House of Wax – and created an entire town filled with the wax-coated corpses of unlucky visitors. Now the group must find a way out before they too become permanent exhibits in the House of Wax. Produced by Joel Silver.

Prognosis: Weirdly Positive. Look, I’m no media critic, well maybe I am a little bit, but I do know I share the sentiment with many discriminating movie goers that any movie that has Paris “Queen of All Staged Reality…and Porn” Hilton just can’t be a good thing; and while we’re at it, and kind of off the subject, she’s a very distant lover although she does get fierce with the kielbasa when taunted like a starving puppy.

What I really mean is that the trailer starts off with a video camera recording the late night antics of a bunch of “young adults” on a late night session of camping, drinking, doping, and fornicating in the woods. Hilton is shown being recorded on tape, making out with a guy, and I actually start to think this may not be too bad. It’s topical, certainly plausible considering the history she has, and I believe it.

Even when a strange vehicle pulls up, a burly monster truck that blasts its mega wattage KC’s into the eyes of these expendable young adults, there is a moment of tension and I am actually digging the suspense factor that’s being created. One of the guys, who looks an awful lot like David Beckham’s younger brother, tosses a bottle at the car. Without saying a word or uttering a sound after it hits and shatters one of the lights, the truck leaves.

They decide to leave the area, taking some good hints about what happens when you toss glass at backwoods hillbillies who leave without saying a word, but end up stopping in a small town that, the trailer says, doesn’t even exist on a map.

Ok, life survival tip #70403: If some guy visits your campsite and then drives off after you’ve pelted his car with a beer bottle without so much as a “hey, what chew kids d’un out ‘tere without some sup’r vision” get yourself the hell home and do not look back. But hey, this is the movies, and we need our victims to be as ignorant and stupid as possible it’s a good thing that they all walk around this deserted town that’s not on any map.

Yeah, so this trailer goes on with these kids just jauntily moving about this deserted town and then they find themselves walking up to a literal house of wax. At one point Hilton’s scripted voice of concern should have been the red flag to all those present that for once she may have something other than “that’s hot” in the most disaffected way possible but it only eggs everyone else to go on in.

At this point I don’t have anything emotionally invested in any of these people. I hope they all die. I start hoping and praying this is a horror movie where the bad guy actually manages to kill each and every one of them. Slowly.

Sho’ ‘nuff, it seems like it is one of those kinds of films.

I have to give it up, though, for the people who made the wax figures look greasy and creeping looking. The effects work is really effective in evoking a sense of ominous danger and that little hint of absolute dread in what’s coming next.

Now, even though the “town” really only looks like a set that was built on a studio lot to look like a town, the use of all the businesses for places to hide from the “killers” in this movie makes this cat and mouse game a little more entertaining if nothing else.

Also, and I again have to give praise to the trailer makers, the last few moments of this trailer that start showing just unrelated clips of people running, of Hilton screaming, of guys who are trying to the hero but you know who will end up dead, the shot of Hilton’s boobs, of chicks trying to fake like they’re wax statues themselves to evade detection from the marauders, and the music that all brings it together, I have to say I am actually impressed that this clunker is able to make itself really appear something other than the cheap screamfest it is. I’m actually interested in seeing if it has anything to offer other than being a vehicle for Paris to show her flat nugs to the world once again.

Director:Richard Linklater
Cast: Robert Downey Jr., Woody Harrelson, Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, , Heather Kafka, Dameon Clarke, Rory Cochrane, Jack Cruz
Release: September 16, 2005
Synopsis: Set in a future world where America has lost the war on drugs, undercover cop Fred (Keanu Reeves) is one of many agents hooked on the popular drug Substance D, which causes its users to develop split personalities. Fred, for instance, is also Bob, a notorious drug dealer. Along with his superior officers, Fred sets up an elaborate scheme to catch Bob and tear down his operation.

Prognosis: Positive. “It may just be my imagination…”

Hey everybody, it’s Neo from THE MATRIX and he’s gone anime!

Alright, so it’s not as kinetic as anime but Keanu’s visage gone digitally watercolor is actually aesthetically affective. I’m warmed by the way the colors look on the screen. Now, it does appear like Linklater’s doing WAKING LIFE part 2, but, still, it’s a welcome change from what’s out there.

It has a kind of fluidity it but there seems to be some movement towards some action that actually pulls in my attention; it’s like A-Ha all over again, but more on that later.

Keanu goes on to explain that something is watching him and that whatever it is it isn’t human. As he has this conversation with an unnamed person someone else, from afar, looks down on him at a console that seems ripped from the set of Sealab 2021. But since this is a Phillip K. Dick movie-i-zation the sexed up looking lady (no, I never thought that any computer generated woman was ever hittable and I just feel sorry for the guys who do) who is trying to figure out Keanu just may be a cyborg. Who knows.

What I do know, though, is that the other scenes that follow are interesting if nothing else and they seem completely unrelated to each other. At one point some guy is wearing some kind of padded helmet that’s connected to a series of wires as a part of some experiment, some near nude woman is writhing on a bed which seems to be the result of a freaky dream or because she’s having services rendered off-screen (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

“Everything you do will be recorded”

So, from what I can tell of the plot Keanu is somehow being told by a scientist that the left hemisphere of his brain was damaged and that his right was compensating. What this means to the overall story I don’t know but it’s giving me a headache trying to piece it all together and I really shouldn’t have to be playing the part of the detective trying to Kojak the plot into a cohesive whole.

Near the end of the trailer we get introduced to the other players in this thing: Woody Harrelson, Robert Downey Jr., and Wynona Ryder, who all speak in a parlance that is part odd, and part confusing.

I know I can read what this movie’s about by reading the synopsis but if I were just trying to find out what it meant by watching the trailer I wouldn’t know what the hell is going on by the end of this thing and would put this on the long list of movies I may or may not look into later.

A lot of money can either be made or lost when you either obfuscate the message or make it understandable to those you’re trying to reach. I mean, look at A-Ha’s “Take on Me” video. That told an awesomely moving story about a man trapped in a real large, very crappy, comic book. It was all said and done in a couple of minutes. I’m not saying A-Ha’s foray into comic/live action animation is any better but that girl in the video was way hot and I nearly shed a tear when that guy threw himself into the wall time and time again. Makes me misty just thinking about it.

Director: John Stockwell
Cast: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin, James Frain
Release: July 15, 2005
Synopsis: INTO THE BLUE is a high stakes thriller set in the deep, shark-infested waters of the Bahamas. When young divers discover the wreckage of a cargo plane at the bottom of the sea, they believe their dream of buried treasure has come true. What they don’t realize is that millions of dollars of illegal goods are in that sunken plane and a group of dangerous criminals are already desperately searching for it. As tensions mount and the friends begin to fight about what to do with their find, others get closer to discovering their secret – and the treasure hunters quickly become the hunted.

Prognosis: Negative. I’m slightly torn in two very distinct directions.

I was a fan of both THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS and its sequel with Paul Walker. On the flipside I could have cared less about Dark Angel when it was on the television. I mean Jessica Alba’s cute but primetime sci-fi just isn’t my thing. So, as this trailer begins I am wonder about how many teens will want to see this one as they will be the ones who will represent the largest demographic opening weekend and I realize that many probably will go to see the movie based on the fact these two are playing “lov-ahs.”

So, Paul is searching for buried shipwrecks with a metal detector that seems oddly nerdish but, ok, I can believe the premise. Then you have Jessica who seems to be all hot for her man and appreciates his way of life. Now, I’ve seen the Discovery channel and what some of these treasure guys actually look like; their salty hair, weathered expressions and crusty outlooks on life aren’t really the basis for films but I don’t know anything, right? In this universe treasure hunters are buff as I am sure comic book collectors have the pick of the litter; that’s right, Jason Lee was one in MALLRATS. See how movie life is so much better than reality?

However, the locales are perfect. Everyone looks great and I almost feel like it’s an ad for a Bahamas getaway with those you love for a low low price of $2149, based on double occupancy. Everyone appears tanned and so delighted to be alive on this island paradise. It is when Paul and his bud, Scott Caan, find a shipwreck that has lots of treasure that the mystery of it all begins. And yeah, one of the items, a mini gold sword, which I assume is a part of their great cache score, is taken into a hot tub party with Alba, Walker, Caan and his ol’ lady. I’m sure that’s real prudent and won’t harm a thing.

So, other people start getting involved with the ransacking. Josh Brolin, (holy kids of more old Hollywood, Batman!) is someone that tries his best to come off as the scurrilous scallywag out to steal Walker’s booty. Or he may be straight and be going after Alba’s but that’s neither here nor there, but wholly pertinent to the plot.

The rest of the trailer falls into a nu-rock video sort of montage of shirtless dudes, guns, scuba diving, more shirtless dudes, fighting, kicking, and there isn’t one bikinied nod as to why I should see this film as a dude who’s not into shirtless dudes. At one point a card comes up and it says that the treasure is worth 100 million dollars and I am curious to know how they know that when no one has brought anything to the surface other than a small sword that Paul’s already using in the hot tub.

I can see the potential in this film but it really seems like a limp entry into the action fray that will simply get lost after its first week. The kids will love Alba and Walker, and there seems to be some standard action sequences that will get the crowd in there for the initial weekend but will word of mouth, dare I say it, sink this average looking flick? And, to say this without being cute, the movie doesn’t look to either forward the genre or execute the tale in a new or exciting way.

Director: Malcolm D. Lee
Cast: Nick Cannon, Bow Wow, Mike Epps, Rick Gonzalez, Meagan Good, Brandon Jackson, Chi McBride, Kellita Smith, Jurnee Smollett, Khleo Thomas, Tai’ isha Davis
Release: July 1, 2005
Synopsis: In the late ‘70s when roller skating was a way of life, X (Bow Wow) and his pals ruled supreme. But when the doors of their local skating rink close, it marks the end of an era and the beginning of another that sees the boys venture into foreign territory – uptown’s Sweetwater Roller Rink, complete with its over-the-top skaters and beautiful girls. Through his preparation for the showdown of the season – the Roller Jam skate off with the Sweetwater crew – X manages to find himself and also help his dad (Chi McBride) get back on track.

Prognosis: Positive. I had no clue what the hell this movie was about but the opening ditty of his trailer had me groovin’ right along with the action. I was lost in admiring some big ass old-school headphones with the FM tuner built right into them, the antennae jutting out from this kid’s headphones. Our young man’s colored striped socks are pulled up to the knees and his be-bopping down the block on a pair of 4-wheeled roller skates make we wonder if people really dressed like that back in the day. This is your average block. There are nice houses with lush yards, thick trees on the side of the road, and the weather couldn’t be greater.

The kid just seems gliding on water as he’s shucking and jiving down the avenue, tossing newspapers left and right on his paper route, and I think back to my own days of roller skating. I can’t believe he’s able to stay upright in the middle of a city street because whenever my wheel would come in contact with a pebble I would inexorably launch forward. Every time. Anyhoo, our unnamed kid does his thang, the cards in-between shots mixing in very well with what’s going on during the set-up, and I get to the point in the trailer when I see this is all about competitive roller dancing. I think.

But I’m cool with that. In fact, I’m kind of really interested. I sucked at roller skating, even indoors, but I like what’s going on. Nick Cannon, in a movie now about bringin’ it to the rink instead of bringin’ it to a drumline, who looks pretty good in his satiny butterfly collared shirt, dashing smile, and big beautiful ‘fro.

We get just a hint about what this movie’s going to be about and that’s executed perfectly here with only the smallest pieces of information being doled out like precious stones that need to be .

The cards don’t overpower the action on the screen and vise-versa. The song that plays in the end as everyone gets introduced “It’s Gonna Be A Lovely Day,” a great soul standard that I even liked when a new version of it was added to the BODYGUARD soundtrack (I swear to god I don’t know what I was thinking when I got it; I was heavily medicated.)

With the addition of Charlie Murphy and Mike Epps into this vehicle I hope there’s enough to carry this story along with punctuations of humor and some genuinely good storytelling. From what I can see there’ll be a good soundtrack and a real dedication to the period in which this movie takes place.

Director: Paul Haggis
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Ludacris, Thandie Newton, Ryan Phillippe, Larenz Tate, Nona Gaye
Release: May 13, 2005
Synopsis: A provocative, unflinching look at the complexities of racial conflict in America, CRASH is that rare cinematic event – a film that challenges audiences to question their own prejudices. Diving headlong into the diverse melting pot of post-9/11 Los Angeles, this compelling urban drama tracks the volatile intersections of a multi-ethnic cast, examining fear and bigotry from multiple perspectives as characters careen in and out of one another’s lives. No one is safe in the battle zones of racial strife. And no one is immune to the simmering rage that sparks violence – and changes lives.

Prognosis: Positive. Don Cheadle’s opening monologue about how the streets of L.A. are superficially cold, emotionally, and how we’re all cut off from one another is fairly engrossing as we get right into the premise of this film. The music that languidly wraps itself around his words, emotionally perfect, really makes me sit and listen to both intently.

The quick shots of Dillon, Frasier, Daniel Dae Kim from Lost (that was one bitchin’ episode where he beats that one dude senseless in the koi pond.), Bullock (who actually seems like she’s acting and doing a splendid job at it), and even Phillipe get me involved into these lives very quickly. Things are rolling really fast.

Some great editing slowly walks you through the idea that this is a movie with multiple storylines that, perhaps, will converge in a way that feel more satisfying than it did in MAGNOLIA. I happen to be someone who likes the multi-dimensional approach to storytelling in movies; be it PULP FICTION, FOUR ROOMS, SHORT CUTS, or even the very ignored TWENTY BUCKS, there is a certain fascination I have for how you can make someone believe that there are so many tangential possibilities inherent in everyday life but yet there are connecting threads that sometimes make you think if it’s possible. This trailer does a good job with relaying that this is the way the movie will go. Now, whether it’s executed in a manner that will impress or repel me is a subject for a different column but here you see the possibilities.

Even Cheadle’s explanation of the movie’s title, how it’s representative of a person’s need to touch, something he says we’ve all lost the ability to do, is a nice dovetail to the trailer’s ending.

You really couldn’t do any more to make me want to see this film. There are so many things that this trailer does right it makes a real good case as to why someone would want to keep this movie in mind whenever it does open wide. It should help that the guy who wrote and directed this one, Paul Haggis, was also the scribe behind MILLION DOLLAR BABY. For some, that may be a good or bad thing but I would think having a movie nominated, and winning, an Academy Award is a nice thing to have on one’s filmic résumé.

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