Director: Mike Binder
Cast: Joan Allen, Kevin Costner , Erika Christensen, Evan Rachel Wood, Keri Russell, Alicia Witt, Mike Binder
Release: March 11, 2005 (New York)
Synopsis: When her husband unexpectedly disappears, a sharp-witted suburban wife and her daughters juggle their mom’s romantic dilemmas and family dynamics.

Prognosis: Sorta, Kinda Positive. Alright, as part of my community service obligations to the elder sect out there, here’s a look at a new romcom with Kevin Costner and Joan Allen.

Yes, you would be right to assume that I don’t have any real hard anticipation in seeing the movie and, further, you would be correct in quickly saying that this looks like a chick flick that;’s only compounded further by the amount of starlet wattage behind Allen as her daughters. That said, however, I would like to at least put this one out there as a movie that at least one of you out there will have to see because your boyfriend/girlfriend saw this trailer while watching Live with Regis and Kelly, while you were out busting your hump, which, in turn, makes you their date but I would like to be the first with a set of nads to say your options could be a lot worse.

It seems harmless enough of a movie. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of trailers lately and this one is ok with me because a) we don’t have an annoying voiceover that usually starts these kinds of trailers and b) we get a great dollop of the back-story behind Allen’s character right out of the gate which makes her kind of endearing. It’s amusing in a feminine sort of way, the husband just running off with his secretary, and leaving his family of three hot teenage girls to fend for themselves, so by the time Kevin shows up I know right where we’re headed. Again, that’s ok.

I’ve seen TIN CUP enough times where I am almost embarrassed to mention the number of moments I find myself watching a minute or two and then watching the rest and, I have to be honest, I am not a Kevin Costner fan. Yeah, yeah, DANCES WITH WOLVES, blah, blah, blah, but really. C’mon, he’s no Bruce Willis or Treat Williams by any stretch but when I see him running into Allen the first time I am content to see where things go.

And things seem to be going in the direction of TIN CUP. Guy likes girl, girl has some attraction to boy, boy has some deep fascination with a sport that makes him unable to communicate effectively with a member of the opposite sex, girl pushes the boy away just long enough to get fitted for a diaphragm and they end up doing it. But, that’s alright with me because there really seems to be more going on than just a mother with relationship problems. She has four girls who she can’t seem to communicate with either, one of which actually gets a job where Costner works, and there is a nice interplay between what Costner knows Allen needs and what Allen is trying to fight against.

Instead of two young dolls of Hollywood’s elite having a romantic comedy where we know what’s at stake for each of the protagonists we get a layered story of interpersonal relationships built around a near dysfunctional family and one near dysfunctional man. And hey, those daughters are hot if I haven’t already said it already.

The music near the end sucks, the cards introducing everyone are kind of flat but I can’t help feeling that the story rises above common convention because of the added element of the daughters. Yeah, they’ll resist him at first and they’ll all end up loving him at the end but I am more curious to see how they get there than I am with knowing the destination.

Director: Jeff Byrd
Cast: Anthony Anderson, Leila Arcieri, Jay Mohr , Charles Murphy, Glenn Bang, Jennifer Byrd
Release: April 22, 2005
Synopsis: Hoping to foil his own gold-digging wife’s plan, a loathsome businessman arranges his own kidnapping, only to realize that there are plenty of other people interested in his wealth as well.

Prognosis: Yikes. This one is helped, as best as it can be, by the almighty voiceover guy but it is awfully awkward when Turk from Scrubs asks our object of derision, Anthony Anderson, how he is doing today. He’s about to park the guy’s car as Anderson just says “Rich” and walks right by him.

Great. A movie about a rich guy who no one likes. What fun.

“Malcom King is a millionaire everyone wants a piece of.”

So…our star, A-list magnate of KANGAROO JACK and MY BABY’S DADDY, is wealthy. Really wealthy and it appears, by the opening moments of this trailer, that people all around him are conniving to get a slice of his pie.

Two people in this trailer are the only things that are keeping me from going to take a look at a trailer that’s all in Swahili: Charlie Murphy and Jay Mohr. Charlie is just flat out funny in ways I wish his brother was nowadays and Jay is just a good supporting guy who possess a good amount of comedic talent. These two conspire to kidnap Anthony for money but it appears they’re not really prepared for a life of crime. They’re inept in that funny movie kind of way.

The next scene involves some dudes getting yelled at to find out what happened to Anthony but what irks me is that the lady who’s doing the yelling at these two guys (who happen to be white) says she’s gonna be on them like, “white girls on NBA players.” Yeah, again with the white people jokes. What the hell, I mean I don’t see a big proliferation of jokes at the expense of black people here in the 21st century but I guess if you want to stoke some hostility, mission accomplished.

Turk comes back into the picture, enjoying the riches of Anthony’s money as he cavorts in a silky red robe but how it relates to some nameless chick getting her groove on in a discothèque I haven’t a clue.

I do like, though, the characters that seem to take shape in this picture. Since it is a comedy, and there needs to be some way to tell the difference between our kidnappers to make the situation amusing, just like in RUTHLESS PEOPLE (a not entirely horrible movie…) the people in this film all have quirky personalities. One of them is a completely brainless woman, another is an ex-con played by Murphy who shows his predilection for bathing with a side order of an uncomfortable Turk, and a loser who has nothing left to lose in Mohr. I will say one thing, though, in Anthony’s defense. When Mohr says that he is holding Anderson ransom for ten thousand dollars Anderson slaps the phone out of his hands to yell at him saying he’s kidnapped a rich man, not Bobby Brown. I laughed at that. I’m a big fan of Bobby Brown jokes.

Unfortunately, this film looks like it will die on the vine in a particularly limp way at the box office but there is always video.

Director: John Pasquin
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Regina King, Enrique Murciano, Diedrich Bader, Heather Burns, William Shatner
Release: March 24, 2005
Synopsis: After Cheryl Frasier and Stan Fields are kidnapped, Gracie goes undercover in Las Vegas to find them.

Prognosis: Negative. What the hell happened to Sandra Bullock’s career? Some would argue the question: Did she really have one to begin with? I will say that I was a big big fan of 28 DAYS and even SPEED and THE NET if there is nothing else on in the middle of the night, but I remember the first MISS CONGENIALITY with such a rueful attitude that I will try to lay out exactly why every man is doomed should their lady friend or boyfriend take them to see this.

Point #1: The trailer opens and we’re in New York. We’re off to a rousing start. But, first thing on my mind is where did Benjamin Bratt go? It’s like how Elizabeth Shue opened BACK TO THE FUTURE II as Marty’s girlfriend and you knew immediately that something was amiss. Shatner’s back, though.

Point #2: We get introduced to Bullock again as the pinnacle of all tomboys. She socks one of her FBI friends in the arm and we see her preparing a meal in a most male kind of way just so we’re assured she is completely asexual.

Point #3: Diedrich Bader is obnoxiously playing a gay man who wants to make over Bullock so she can be the new PR face for the FBI. It’s flamingly fake and I cringe when I see him in much the same way I did when Anthony Clark did the same thing in THE ROCK. Would it have been so hard to get a normal gay man? I guess it was…

Point #4: Regina King. I love this woman. I do have to admit that seeing her is a great thing and both she and Bullock seem to be competing for the Most Butch award. They don’t get along, don’t worry they’ll love each other by the credits, and the only friction that seems to matter in this movie is how these two ladies will get along.

Point #5: The movie is about, apparently, not just how she and Regina eventually become bestest friends but how Sandra can go undercover as an old lady to save her best friend from a kidnapper. I really don’t know if I can go on explaining this plot. Do you realize someone got paid more money than you probably make in a decade to write this?

Point #6: The two of them, grudgingly, make their way to Las Vegas. A lot of the trailer’s running time focuses on how these girls have to use teamwork in order to accomplish their goals. Seriously, someone got paid for this.

Point #7: I was going to give it up for the faux beat down Regina gives Regis Philbin but I take it back because the trailer literally ends with Bullock’s trademark double snort like it’s amusing to listen to.

I do understand I am not the target audience. I even know that my presence in the movie’s audience isn’t needed but if you think that this trailer will get me to go willingly and not put up a fight when my wife is screeching to see it you’ve got another thing coming, Buster Brown. Couldn’t you have focused more on the Vegas showgirls aspect, give me a little more Regina a little less Sandra? For the demographic it’s aimed for, in all honesty, it’s a fabulous trailer. For every other individual who doesn’t share the same chromosomal pair, however, it should put the fear of God in you.

Director: John Maybury
Cast: Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley
Release:March 4, 2005
Synopsis: A military veteran goes on a journey into the future, where he can foresee his death and is left with questions that could save his life and those he loves.

Prognosis: Negative.Adrian Brody, fresh off his shucking and jiving in Coca-Cola ads, stars in yet another installment in a little known genre as the “man with amnesia” mystery movie.

The trailer is good going, though, in giving us a clear understanding of what’s going on in this movie. Adrian is a thin and skinny John Rambo type who is aimlessly wandering America with his army issued duffel bag and dog tags.

In the next scene he sees someone stopped on the side of the road and goes to help them out.; he’s a mobile AAA, if you will. A young girl who was in the car when he arrived asks if she can have his ‘tags. He says sure without so much as batting an eyelash. They move on as he walks down the road a bit before being picked up by some random dude in a station wagon but this is where everything trips out, acid style. He somehow gets thrown into the loony bin and is framed for shooting someone he didn’t do and we’re told this all happens in 1992.

I think to myself that, wow, another one of these happy just to be alive kind of movies where our protagonist comes out of prison with a greater understanding of humanity. But then, something really cool happens. When he gets committed some kooky therapist there gets the idea to strap him in a straight jacket and slide him into a morgue holding container for hours on end. Hey, some dudes at Abu Ghraib like to stack prisoners in naked pyramids in real life so this brand of behavior conditioning is nothing shocking to me.

Flashes of random images start whipping by as his breath becomes labored and intensive. He cries out and I assume, judging by the frequency they take him and in and out, they continue doing this for a long long time.

He eventually gets out, looking none the worse for wear, his dental hygiene, oddly enough, being well cared for in the crap hole he was shown in, and meets up with Keira Knightley.

It should be no surprise that she is the girl who got his dog tags over a decade ago. Ta-da! He has no idea what year it is, he talks some gibberish about how he met her 15 years ago and then things get really choppy.

Essentially, we’re to believe that there was some odd behavior modification going on with the doctor that “helped” Adrian, somehow we’re to believe that Keira is the one woman who can help this man, he’s shown getting busy with Keira (Because I know if I was having problems knowing what year it was and who I was that I would need some sweet warm womanly love to get me thinkin’ straight, too, yo.), and then some A-chord musical interlude starts in to show how these two kids git ‘er done to get to the bottom of things.

Thoroughly unimpressed.

Director: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbato
Cast: Gerard Damiano, Erica Jong, Linda Lovelace, Norman Mailer, Harry Reems, Gore Vidal, John Waters.
Release: February 11, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: More than 30 years after Deep Throat’s provocative debut, this documentary examines the legacy that the most profitable film of all-time left on society.

Prognosis: Positive. First of all, the green screen that comes before the trailer begins proudly displays that this trailer is for a movie rated NC-17.

Yahtzee!

I feel like I’m 13 years-old again and I look over my shoulder to see if anyone can see my monitor as the clip unfolds.

Instead of an annoying voiceover by “the guy” we slide into the controversy this film caused by listening to the ramblings of Hick McPodunk about the decline of western civilization that was pushed forward by the release of this porn movie.

The basics are tossed out there in print form: it was a $25,000 movie that has grossed over $600 million.

I like the way that in lieu of the voiceover we get fact after fact. True, this film caused a ripple effect inside the Nixon administration, and it only heightens the social subtext to what this flick did.

What’s hilarious is that at one point in this montage of clips and pictures is some old Aunt Bea character that looks terribly close to my grandmother saying she doesn’t, “want someone telling me I can’t see a dirty picture.” While it induces a certain “ewww” reaction in me I like the contrast.

Also, we get pundit commentary from John Waters, Gore Vidal, and Hugh Hefner so it’s a real cavalcade of those who were right at the nexus point of what this movie did or can comment on in it as it related to the sociological implications of its debut. And here you thought it was all about butt shots and ti%&y shakes and pu%#$ pumps. For shame, you lotharios.

The commentary gets more interesting as we see the director and production manager and other vital people in this story being interviewed about their involvement in the movie and it’s interesting, just on the surface, to see where their lives have taken them. There is a tennis back and forth motion of showing pictures from the past with modern images of these people and I like that what is happening here is someone wants to tell a story. Walter Cronkite, in file film footage, says how a judge ruled the movie obscene and you just know the kind of PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLINT arguing that’s gonna be present throughout this picture.

I am very and utterly surprised that Brian Grazer is attached as the producer of this movie as just being affiliated with a tawdry subject, read here: Kevin Bacon in THE WOODSMAN, starts comments about the ridiculous implications that might have for a career. Obviously, for Grazer, nothing will hamper that Ryan Cabrerra love slave look so I commend him for at least thinking this was an interesting story to tell.

There is a certain cheesiness to it all, the production value of the trailer and the music that goes along with it, but I can’t help but be confused whether I really want to see this documentary for its depth or because I want to see the naughty bits. I’ll publicly state that it’s for the former and secretly for the hope of looking at some poon.

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