Director: Joel Zwick
Cast: Kenan Thompson, Shedrack Anderson III, Aaron Frazier, Omarion, Marques Houston
Release: December 25, 2004
Synopsis: Bill Cosby’s character, “Fat Albert,” comes to the big screen as a live action/animated feature film. The movie is based on Cosby’s stand-up comedy monologues about his childhood, centered around a group of urban adolescents growing up in a Philadelphia neighborhood.

Prognosis: Negative. No, little Bobby, that sound you hear is not the clickity-clack of a train but of the sound of my own childhood ready to jump the tracks.

“Staying Alive” by the Bee-Gees plays in the background. A vicious red sweater and too blue of a pair of pants starts jostling up and down. Voiceover man tries to tell me, trying to be all coy and crap, that Fat Albert was a “hero” who “walked the walk” and “talked the talk.” Before the hideous sight of Keenen as Fat Albert, saying Fat’s signature line and scaring the holy hell out of me in a moment of disbelief about what I’m seeing, comes lunging at me I am at a loss at how heroic a cartoon can be. I try to compare Fat’s actions to the Looney Tunes Weasel, who tried as hard as his little rodent will would allow him in trying to get a hold of a delicious chicken only to be thwarted by Foghorn Leghorn every time, but I don’t see it even coming close. The Looney Tunes Weasel wins hands down.

By looking at the trailer it appears to be that Fat jumps out of the TV and into real life by landing in the middle of someone’s family room. He shocks a woman out of her gourd before cutting to a scene where she teaches the rest of Fat’s crew about how to operate a can of soda. While I found most of what this trailer has to offer some filmmakers idea of a joke, the soda bit is actually the best part of this thing.

After we get the gang acclimated to 2004, where one of them mentions that malls look like indoor cities, even though Woodfield Mall, one of the largest in the country, in Illinois was open at the time that he was “supposedly” around. Fat then has someone trying to take his red sweater off only to have Fat protest and whisper he doesn’t know what’s underneath it. Ha-Ha, my good man. Good one.

We get Jeff Garlin, obviously needing a little extra something in his pocket for the holidays, asking the gang if they’re yanking his chain over some remark, that we don’t get to hear, but no one understands his idiomatic expression because it originated in a time they’re not familiar with. Again, awful.

We get the ubiquitous stomach slap as Fat projects a skinny man backward when he high-fives with his tummy, Fat raps, Fat finds true love, they all try to get back to the cartoon world by trying to fling themselves at the picture tube, no-face-hat-wearing Donald is teased about his chapeau (a joke already made funny years ago on a Newsradio episode), Fat finds he can skateboard real well by accident and he even manages to get his fingers slammed in a window. Bill Cosby makes a cameo appearance in this but it’s really all for naught. Awful and shameful and all sorts of –fuls.

If you need to punish your ten-year-old, take him to see this.

Director: Jonathan Caouette
Cast: Jonathan Caouette, Michael Cox, Adolph Davis, Rosemary Davis, Renee Leblanc, David Sanin Paz
Release: October 8, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Filmmaker Jonathan Caouette’s documentary on growing up with his schizophrenic mother — a mixture of snapshots, Super-8, answering machine messages, video diaries, early short films, and more — culled from 19 years of his life.

Prognosis: Positive. I’m usually against the use of cards to pimp a film. They’re intrusive at times, annoying at others, obnoxious and they can sometimes destroy the groove of a trailer. The way they’re used for this film, however, adds a certain richness to the trailer that is at the same time satisfying and intriguing.

We’re told everything we need to know by the cards in-between scenes of this film.

“It was 20 years in the making.”

Lovely powdery blue skies fill the screen.

“It was filmed against impossible odds.”

There’s a soothing guitar medley play as I wonder, “Well, if it was impossible, how did the guy do it?” Sorry, it’s just a reaction.

Our filmmaker is hugging someone in black and white.

“It’s unlike any movie you’ve seen before.”

Really, it is. The picture starts to turn into kinetic artwork as our director goes from a baby picture, to one of him as a young man, and lets us see his evolution as a person.

A quote from LA Weekly chimes in with his own opinion about why this is such a great film.

Our director makes a call concerning about his mother. He wonders if she is still not talking.

Another quote, this time from a guy over at Newsweek.

Frames of a woman who may be our director’s mother flicker for a moment before they are replaced of those of him, smiling.

We get a quote from the Los Angeles Times.

More home movie footage, inexplicably random, appears before a quote by Roger Ebert who extols praise on this man’s effort. This is about the time when things get a little weird. Quick shots of unrelated images are shown with the kind of rapidity like an overworked Cuisinart before things settle on this man’s mother. He asks her what she thought of her first moments at a psychiatric hospital. Our director pleads with her to talk about it before she turns tail and walks away.

Executive producers are Gus Van Sant and James Cameron Mitchell. I feel safe with these names. I usually don’t with any name that comes up for executive producers but I do with these. Some of the best avant-garde cinema, if I can use that word without sounding too snobbish, has trickled from their respective efforts.

Various front shots of our director fill some of the time; we see him going from young lad to young adult.

This film was a winner of the Los Angeles Film Festival and was also an official selection at, well, everywhere, judging by the list.

One of the last contiguous clips comes from someone the director knows who accuses him of trying to, “scheme something on me.” Some protestations to the contrary go nowhere with the old coot.

“Your greatest creation is the life you lead.”

Some real odd music plays, although I quite enjoyed it, but the amounts of clips and examples of what this film is about was enough to convince me that this could the most affective movie that’s getting a limited release this year.

Director: Kevin Kerwin
Cast: Andrew Benator, Claire Winters, Matthew Lawler, Dave T. Koenig, Finnerty Steeves, Wendy Herlich, Leonard H. Robinson, Katherine Markey, Jacqueline Sydney
Release: TBD, for wide release, and hopefully soon to a film festival near you.
Synopsis: An inside look at one of the nation’s top film programs – UNY Film School. The blood, sweat and tears of student filmmaking – all leading up to the awarding of UNY’s coveted Filmic Achievement Award – given to the best filmmaker in each graduating class.

Prognosis: Positive. The opening starts just like an informational video for a film school.

There’s an establishing shot of the school and that’s where we hear an interviewed voice telling us about the top faculty, a shot showing a barefooted hippie-type, sitting Indian-style on a conference table which is worth a few laughs, and a teacher showing students how to make sure your thumb and index finger are properly positioned so you can get an idea of perspective. Everyone in the room follows his lead. Buck Felty, a spokesperson and dean for UNY Film School, looks like a younger, well-rested Bill Murray type. He’s quiet but his voice is soothing as he says to his interviewer that the hungry kids he deals with who have “a big, gaping hole” in them and that they’re the ones who are ready to fill it. You can do nothing more than believe him.

From the get-go you see that this movie is going to play it straight and go for the laughs that way. It’s daring but as this trailer reveals more and more you can’t help but be amused by its sublimity.

Since this movie is a mocumentary of those in a six month film school program you can only begin to start thinking of those who would populate a quick and dirty institution like this. One of the other people interviewed, a woman who states that she won second place at the Brooklyn Transgender Shorts Festival with her first piece, is absolutely endearing as she sells her abilities in front of the camera. She embodies, as does the other participants in this film, certain stereotypes of those looking to make it in the film industry. The only problem that one should have with poking fun at the very same art form the legitimate filmmakers are trying to do here is if it felt false or wasn’t able to sell itself on its premise. Some might sense something too raw about their own experience and put the film down out of spite, but it works.

It sells the idea and it’s funny to see these filmmakers with enough tunnel vision to warrant a kick in the head with a steel boot in order to snap them out of their candy coated dream world. Before that happens, though, we get Delvo Christian. He is the kind of guy who, if you had to work for him on a film set, violence might ensue against him. Too serious to be taken seriously and too arty for everyone else, the man embodies a belief in all things obtuse and melodramatic but thinks he’s being poetic. Mike Pack, the Kevin James look-alike, seems like the real comedic relief here who believes that after six months he’ll be ready to film a movie. The level of myopia present in all these people is amusing itself. This six month program, as well, has a competition to see who will win an illustrious film prize for best film.

A musical interlude starts to show the various productions as they are put together.

A title card puts up the words “12 students” in small white letters; it’s at once unassuming and completely helpful in gaining more information. We have people talking about what their aims are as filmmakers as we get more from Delvo and his assumption that he deserves to win the Filmic Achievement Award simply because of who he is. Some bits play from one group’s film and we essentially fade, as does the music, away into the background.

Comedy is one of the hardest genres to be successful in, but this film looks good enough to warrant a screening to see if the trailer was the best thing about this film. From the outside looking in, though, it appears that it could deliver.

Director: Gurinder Chadha
Cast: Aishwarya Rai, Martin Henderson, Daniel Gillies, Naveen Andrews, Namrata Shirodkar
Release: December 24, 2004 (New York, LA)
Synopsis: A Bollywood update of Jane Austen’s classic tale, where Mrs. Bennet is eager to find suitable husbands for her five unmarried daughters. When the rich single gentlemen Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy come to live nearby, the Bennets have high hopes, though circumstance and boorish opinions threaten to get in the way of romance.

Prognosis: Positive. Alright, it’s been a little while since I’ve put something here worthy to take your ladies out and see.

I was a big fan of MONSOON WEDDING and I am not ashamed to extol the delight I’ve found in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, so it is with great joy that Gurinder Chadha has taken a Jane Austin classic (I give respect for all the English majors in the house who had to get through this) and has really given it a Bollywood treatment.

Things begin with a flourish of drums and bright saris as people twirl and choreograph themselves around each other. Voiceover guy ruins the fun by giving us a Casey Kasem “From the director of…” It’s not really that hard, however, to completely ignore what the man is saying in order to pay attention to the action on the screen; nor is that hard to ignore the sound of the man’s voice as you gaze on the new hotness of Aishwarya Rai. Yeow.

We get more dancing, flames, color and excitement as voiceover man intrudes once more to tell us that our Indian heroine, Aishwarya, is about to have an arranged marriage but that she has a mind of her own about who she is going to marry. Her mother, though, has other plans and makes mention for the lovely lady to smile in front of potential suitors and not to say anything too intelligent; patriarchal, misogynistic customs have never been funnier, in my own opinion, than they are here. Of the possible men she is able to get hitched with is John Jameson from SPIDER-MAN 2, with her last choice being a rich, bumbling American idiot (why are we always the rubes in international films?), Martin Henderson, who is, according to our protagonist, “conceited and arrogant.” We then are given her mother’s choice. This is probably my favorite because he exudes so much sleaze and who giggles like Yakov Smirnoff. I’m a sucker for it every time and because we are given a shot of him eating with his hands in a such a piggish manner and a snippet of him trying to seduce Aishwarya in a black wife beater, clad in his garish gold chains, the guy gets my vote.

From here we get a music interlude where there is dancing in the rain, more dancing by a cast of thousands, loads of confetti, and pimped out elephants. It does not help that the voiceover tells us this is a movie where Bollywood meets Hollywood, but since this is going for the female dollar and not really mine it’s acceptable here. We do get a great line from Henderson who mentions what he thinks of Indian dancing:

“It looks like you just screw in a light bulb in with one hand and pet the dog with the other.”

You’ve got to love that cultural insensitivity masked behind a veil of complete ignorance as Leo Sayer’s “Feel Like Dancing” gets pounded into your ears. I love crap like this.

Director: George Lucas
Cast: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Frank Oz, Ian McDiarmid, Jimmy Smits, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew
Release: May 19, 2005
Synopsis: As the Clone War continues, Anakin Skywalker finds himself dangerously close to the Dark Side of the Force and comes into conflict with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Prognosis: Cautious. Seeing how most of the rank and file in Nerdom (myself included) have already seen this, let’s see if we all can’t pick this thing apart and try to prestidigitate whether George’s latest, and hopefully final, foray into a galaxy far, far away is going to deliver.

First thing that you notice? The new footage isn’t the lead-off hitter here. We get some of John Williams’ classic score with the opening titles to every STAR WARS flick. First visual out of the gate is Luke from the first one, walking like he’s carrying a heavy load in his pants, as we’re offered Sir Alec Guinness’ treatise on the Jedi Knight order. We even get a little Qui-Gon Jinn, a little somethin’ somethin’ from CLONES, and some different views of Anakin. They’re obviously building up the whole, dark side thing, and it’s a nice way to lead but, damn, get to the new footage already. We’ve already burned about half the running time of this thing.

Alright, just when I’m ready to start ripping on this thing, we get Anakin with really menacing yellow (Sith?) eyes looking back at us. I’m skeeved by the appearance but that’s a good thing. Are there any resident nerds out there who can say whether this represents Anakin’s decent into the dark side and does this explain the emperor’s crazy eyes? Anyhow, the introduction to the heavy Darth breathing with an exploding volcano in the background is a nice touch. The shot lingers longingly on these volcanoes as then we’re treated to the appearance of some metal spider contraption (possibly to retrieve his fried body?) and the screen fades black.

The emperor asks Lord Vader to rise.

We get snippets, and shots, of the major players in this sixth episode. Of most interest, and believe me it is not that Muppet Yoda, is Chewy. Actually, it’s a whole lotta Chewies as Vader comes off the assembly line, fresh in his black leather getup.

From here, the snippets start going off like a string of Black Cats. There’s some planes flying with that signature sound trailing behind them, Yoda unleashes his green monster, Anakin and Padme do a little smooching thing, and then, the best part, a whole lotta Wookies appear ready to start throwing down with an unknown enemy. Mace Windu, Samuel L. Jackson, looks to be taking his last stand and, if his interviews over the past few years are any indication, he’ll be going out with a shebang. There’s a freaky-looking tall guy with rat teeth, some interstellar firefighters are putting out a smoldering ship, Obi and Anakin duke it the hell out, some more stuff gets blown up and then a freaky looking ghoul with a lightsaber looks to do some damage. The ending score rocks hard as does the end titles.

Will it suck? PHANTOM MENACE was worse than CLONES so there seems to be some progression happening here. Oh, and P.S., don’t think I didn’t notice there isn’t a shred of dialogue present here. It’s probably one of the smartest decision George has done in a while and it does this trailer a great service by holding back anything coming out of their mouths.

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