Director: Patrick Paulson, Michael John Warren
Cast: Jay-Z, Mary J. Blige, Foxy Brown, Michael Buffer, Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs, Damon Dash, Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliott, R. Kelly, Ghostface Killah, Beyoncé Knowles
Release: November 5, 2004
Synopsis: Filmed during his “Black Album” era, Jay-Z looks back on his career as one of rap music’s most successful emcees and entrepreneurs.

Prognosis: Negative. Public Enemy always said, “Don’t believe the hype.”

With this documentary there is no doubt that I won’t.

What we have here, essentially, is a concert film. There isn’t anything else left to expound upon regarding this issue but if you read the placards interposed with the footage being provided you would have no way of knowing this. Now, I am a big fan of the concert film format and with Paramount Classics behind the thing you would think this would be more than just a MTV-style (derisively used in this case) long form video from some of the biggest 15-minute famers this side of the Bronx but as it is, and judging by the success of the recent tour outing Jay has had with R. Kelly, there ain’t nothin’ else goin’ on but the rent.

“November 23 2003”

The above is the first thing out of the gate about this film. We get New York City at nighttime with the sound of a helicopter ready to make a landing in the city, yo. We get a modulated voiceover letting us know that Jay-Z sold out the garden in a way that makes it sound like he’s just scaled Mt. Everest. It’s an accomplishment, yes, and all the fans that are giving it up for ol’ Z in front of the camera are really eager to let us confirm that. We get a good look at the sea of humanity just waiting to see the man perform, his fans eagerly anticipating his show. I’m cool up until this point, but then I see this:

“History was made.”

Huh?

Did I miss my memo? I know the boat passed me by on the whole leet speak thing but damn. I’m positive I would have found out from random 12 year-olds strolling though Hot Topic as to why this was a day to live on in infamy but instead all I get is a verbal non sequitur from some random guy, clad in a white doo rag and a blue cap placed demurely askew atop his head, dribbling on at the mouth about “the freeway’s there” and “we here. The boys.” Allright, if you say so, Chief. Further investigation into why I feel so consternated trying to follow this trailer only leads into this placard:

“The Ultimate Artist.”

I’m expecting to see Prince, Full Force, or even the O’ Jays but all I see is Jay-Z walking out of his limo and before I can yell “shenanigans” I see the other placard:

“The Ultimate Concert.”

Sigh. We see more of Jay walking through the bowels of Madison Square Garden, holmes hasn’t performed once yet on the screen, and then we quickly flash to one year later as the mixing of this recorded event takes place. The audio snippet we are given says that the recoding being made is going to be a “living testament” to “history in the making.” Even with some visual aides that show some flash of the audience and the resulting be-bopping of Jay-Z on stage, with all the lights and accoutrements of a Vegas side show, it all just reminded me of that time one year when I saw Hammer perform. I couldn’t see him when he was M.C. Hammer, I didn’t have enough money, but when Hammer came to play and I could afford to see him on the downslide of his career I was there getting my teenage swerve on and this show reminds me of that in a way.

What else really doesn’t “do it” for me? Well, Puff Daddy for one (you are not P-Diddy, you are not P-Did, and you most definitely are not P.D.). He overstates the point when he says that Jay-Z in the garden is history in the making. First of all, Puff, take off the mink and take off the sun glasses; you’re inside a sweaty stadium. Second, by showing how great it is that he manages to hang with Usher (tick tick tick on those 15 minutes), Mike D from the Beastie Boys and Rick Rubin (the real legends in this thing), it does nothing to answer the question about what makes this concert so special. Oh, yeah, the answer comes in the concert footage showing you getting down with “yo’ bad self” with a booty shaking Beyonce. Nice. Keep it real, Dude. Oh yeah, and spotlighting R. Kelly is really cool too. Someday I wish I could say I had an alleged child urinator at my historic music show, too.

Also, generally speaking, thanks for throwing another “historic” testimonial my way as well. It really seals the deal.

I think my aggression against this trailer is that it doesn’t make its case for why this was historic. I would’ve bought the reason that this was going to be the last time any of these people would be on stage with each other. I would’ve listened if Jay-Z said why this Lollapalooza of hip-hop acts and studio gangstas was so momentous for either him or for some kid dying of leprosy that he promised a hell of a show to. Instead, I get treated to a commercial extolling the virtues of absolutely nothing. It’s hard to make a case if you don’t give a reason for me to care. One side or the other will believe you but you’ve got to make the point.

I’d sooner say that Motown 45, a special that aired on ABC earlier this year, is more deserving of the title “historic event.” I like my artists to have a little more staying power than the flash in the pans that many of these artists will be but that’s just me.

Director: Uwe Boll
Cast: Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez, Will Sanderson, Udo Kier
Release: 2005
Synopsis: In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother’s rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires. Two vampire hunters, Sebastian and Vladimir, from the Brimstone Society persuade her to join their cause.

Prognosis: Hilarious. Man, did I have a good laugh.

Can you ever recall a movie moment when you simply couldn’t believe what you were seeing? That the she was a he with a dong in THE CRYING GAME? That mimbo Brad Pitt actually managed to be at the heart of what made FIGHT CLUB and SEVEN two of the best films made in the 90’s? This is the same thing, in a way, but this time it’s the people starring in this film that make this trailer so unbelievable.

Kristanna Loken, an 18th century Blade who is half-human and half-vampire, is out to avenge her mother’s rape and takes two men along with her to accomplish her mission. While the premise is really about a feminine version of Wesley Snipes who goes around killing things it has all the makings and stench of a B-grade splatter fest. All you have to do is put Antonio Sabato Jr. in there, let a few gallons of blood spill everywhere, ratchet up the violence, give something to the 13 year-olds (read here: copious nudity), and make sure you give some nods to the video game to let the fanboys know you’re all about “keeping it real.” Seems easy, right?

Oh, no, my good man. There is actually more talent to be found in this thing than you’d guess. When this thing first opens it’s a little disorienting as the sounds of clanging blades and squirts of blood shooting in indiscriminate directions makes it hard to focus. All of a sudden we see Kristanna, looking like one of those freaky hippy chicks that went gonzo over human entrails in FACES OF DEATH, donning a strange look on her face. I’m thinking it night be that half-vampire thing expressing itself but I won’t ever know for sure I’m whisked away to images of her just standing on a dark hill, playing with her swords; it’s cheesier than anything I’ve ever seen this year.

Was this woman really the Terminatress? What makes the pot sweeter is Michael Madsen popping on screen riding on a trusty steed. His hair is all lanky, dirty and I’m sure he’s really aiming to impress as they show how he can literally throw down with his sword, killing something that we can’t see. Michael’s riding buddy, Matt Davis, also looks sturdy on his flea ridden glue factory but he’s also shown how he can also throw down with his sword. Repetitious, sure, but we’re not shown what they’re disemboweling. Fact: if you want to get the young demographic to see a movie about vampire killing then you’ll have to show some vampires being killed.

At this point I’m a little confused about why there’s hardly any good American violence but I end up sympathizing, identifying if you will, with all the actors present in this thing. I realize it must be rent time. A lifestyle needs to be paid for and this seems like the Hollywood equivalent to working at a local Piggly Wiggly for a few a weekends, pimping Bagel Bites, for extra dough. I don’t knock them for that, though. What does alarm me is that Michelle Rodriguez pops up in this thing, really stretching her acting abilities in this one as she looks, well, surly and pissed at everyone. She then proceeds to, get this, shove a sword into someone’s chest; what’s even more amazing, however, is that we’re shown the chest in full bleed mode. My frown has turned upside down and I am digging the copious amounts of graphic imagery, but then it happens.

The very nexus point that turned this trailer into one of the glorious five that get reviewed here every week reveals itself: Ben Kingsley shows up.

I’m floored.

I hope someone out there takes a look at things up to this point in the trailer and agrees with me when I say that it’s one the weirdest things you’ll ever witness. I don’t know if Ben’s a vampire killer or a vampire killer killer but Sir Ben is shown blatantly murdering someone on a bed. He just kills ‘em. Quicker than a Keanau “whoa” Kristanna makes another appearance. As she’s the movie’s namesake she’s shown at the end killing a few more people, vampires, in a bloody rage of fury.

I would be too quick to call this movie crap, and it would probably be unfair, but I can give a guarantee that you won’t ever see a cosmic convergence of star power like this anytime soon. Bad film never looked so funny.

Director: Christoffer Boe
Cast: Nikolaj Lie Kaas, Maria Bonnevie, Krister Henriksson, Nicolas Bro
Release: September 10, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Increasingly cool towards his wife Aimee, yet haunted by jealousy, August starts to invent the story of her infidelity. Enter Alex, a charismatic young photographer who dreams of a romance beyond what he has with girlfriend his Simone. After a night with Aimee, Alex wakes to find that he has become, in a significant and literal way, a different person. Cristoffer Boe’s debut feature is a twisty and entertaining Kieslowski-like urban love story that plays with form and style in ways that will surprise you and keep audiences talking about it for a long time.

Prognosis: Beautiful. If I could tell Palm Pictures about how most everything they’ve put out there this year has simply looked great I would. I would like to say something about the content of these pictures but to do so would be speculation as there simply aren’t that many art houses here in the great Southwest to take chances on these kinds of pictures. This one comes to us from across the ocean so, yeah, there’s some reading involved but it shouldn’t matter so much in this movie as the premise is wicked sharp.

A man breathing out a mouthful of smoke opens things up. It seems cold, urban. A card flashes on the screen.

“It happens every day.”

A city at night; it looks busy and congested. The very same man from the beginning meets a woman on a subway train. They smile at one another.

“You see a chance.”

A lazy jazz cut lingers in the back as our hero spots the same woman having a drink by herself at a lonely, dark bar. He chats her up. She seems very receptive.

“You make a choice.”

The two of them go back to her apartment and come together and then come separately. The scenes shown from the actual act are tastefully represented in snippets of mouths, eyes, parts of the back, in a much romanticized way. Then, a woman’s lips blows out a match. The music stops.

“The outcome is nothing you could have imagined.”

The man rides the subway home to find he can’t get into his apartment because his door is no longer where he left it. A neighbor doesn’t understand what the guy’s talking about when he knocks on her door and doesn’t even acknowledge any memory of he is. No one does. Friends and family all stick to the same story: they’ve never met the man in their lives. As soon as the screen fades, after a nice looking flip book effect of a silhouetted man falling flickers on the screen, the awards come up. Cannes is but one in a few competitions this film has won an award. It’s not much but, again, in cases were you have a foreign film it’s best to show how pimp your movie is compared to the other films you’re in competion with.

A lonely violin orchestra plays behind the man without a past as he runs though a vacant street and then comes upon someone who claims to not know him. He asks this woman, the very same woman from the beginning, to talk to him. He says he knows nothing but wants, “to know everything.” Yeah, it’s a little obsequious and arty but it just feels right.

I tell you what, no bull crapping aside, this trailer makes me want to seek out this film to see what is going to happen to this guy. I feel bad for him by the end of this thing and it has completely “OWN3D” me in every sense of the word. There are some obligatory review snippets from some reviewers about how good the film is but just looking at this trailer and trying to piece together where this film will go is satisfaction enough..

Director: Kevin Rodney Sullivan
Cast:
Release: March 25, 2005
Synopsis: A sarcastic father (Mac) has plenty to say about his daughter wanting to marry a white boy (Kutcher).

Prognosis: Negative. Ashton Kutcher. Bernie Mac. Boy, is this a mismatch.

Alright, for those keeping score at home, this is studio picture that hopes to cast a wide net at the total pool of moviegoing folk. What this means is that you can expect sub-standard directing, writing that mimics Must See/TGIF TV (Just think if Joey, Life With Jim, My Wife and Kids, et. al, are all put into a blender), and make sure you add very tired and busted ending. That said, however, the trailer doesn’t do much to break out of this formulaic stereotype. Literally.

Any movie that starts with “X has the perfect life…” is in trouble with me. Obviously, the three steps you can see ahead of you will forecast that this person’s life is going to go into the crapper. Ashton is a successful businessman who has a hot looking girlfriend. She’s literally strapped to his hip when he comes home to his lady and they really love each other. This must be the movies because all I get when I get home is questions about whether or not I remembered the dry cleaning, did I remember to call that person who left us a message last night or how tragic it is that a friend of hers knows someone who was just diagnosed with herpes.

So, Ashton and his lady are going on a trip to see his girlfriend’s father who just happens to be Bernie Mac. The reverse racial jokes start just as soon as Bernie mistakes the cab driver, who happens to be black, for being his daughter’s boyfriend. Bernie then tells Ashton where to stick the luggage. We even get that annoying warped music stop (a variant of the record scratch when an epiphany descends on one of the characters) when Bernie realizes that Ashton is, in fact, the man his daughter is in love with.

Oh yeah, the laughs keep coming when, at dinner, one of the daughter’s relatives ask whether or not they’re any available black men in New York. Yeah, good one. Then you get one of the friends of the girlfriend who’s really excited to see who her boyfriend is and, discovering it’s Ashton, mistakes him for the IRS because, class, If You Happen To Be A White Person In A Black Person’s House You Must Be There For Something Related To Business; you obviously couldn’t be there for any other reason.

The rest of the trailer is how Bernie and Ashton deal with the consternation that Bernie has about his daughter dating a white guy. What I find works well, if anything, is that Ashton is able to summon the powers that be and channel the same guy he was in MY BOSSES DAUGHTER, JUST MARRIED, DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR, and every other movie, with the exception of BUTTERFLY EFFECT, he’s ever done. To be able and call it in every time with consistency takes some talent if nothing else. And believe me, after you watch this trailer you will be convinced there is nothing else.

I really don’t mean to take such a stiff tone but, damn, did BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE or HEAD OF STATE teach us nothing when it comes to this kind of inane humor? Obviously not, as this one is headed straight to the theaters in the early half of next year and will likely be a hit with older white folk everywhere.

Director: Terry George
Cast: Don Cheadle, Sophie Okonedo, Nick Nolte, Desmond Dube, Antonio David Lyons, Mothusi Magano
Release: December 22, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Don Cheadle stars in the true-life story of Paul Rusesabagina, a hotel manager who housed over a thousand Tutsis refugees during their struggle against the Hutu militia in Rwanda.

Prognosis: Positive. For anyone who didn’t see one of the best 52 minutes of television dealing with how things really went down in regard to the conflict in Rwanda, and I speak here of Fronline’s exposé on PBS, you missed a wonderful opportunity to see how vicious and sinister hoards of humans can be against their own people. Politicial leanings aside the Rwandan conflict should be counted as one of the worst moments of the Clinton presidency. One of the real horrors is that we could have stopped the mass genocide had we spoke up and intervened.

Don Cheadle plays a hotel manager for one of the nicest hotels in Rwanda. It looks nice as there are people frolicking near the pool. It’s no pool like the one at Treasure Island in Vegas, but it’ll do. Don lives there with his family and they’re painted as being content with their familial splendor. His kids are idyllically playing with a rope as he gets a little sugar with his wife. His voiceover is happy up to the point where he says, “until the day everything changed.”

Military and paramilitary men march through a main thoroughfare of a Rwandan city, carrying banners, obviously serious about something. The next thing you see is the same soldiers riding in green jeeps, their machine guns hanging over the side. Don’s son lets him know what’s going on and there is obviously some concern about what’s developing.

“Based on a true story.”

Usually when you get a movie based on a true story you could really almost discard it. Anything on Lifetime usually qualifies for this distinction in my book, but here it’s welcome as it’s a glimpse into history that many people never knew was happening.

Back in the trailer, guns go off, chaos reigns, looting seems to be de regur and there is a sense of lawlessness. Don is reassured when the UN shows up on the scene as he figures everything will get taken care of and order will be restored. Hell, I’d think the same thing. Nick Nolte, though, mentions how the UN are there as peacekeepers, not peacemakers. This comment will only serve to fuel the actions of those who are terrorizing Rwandans.

“We’re a four-star hotel, not a refugee camp.”

People are shuttled into Don’s hotel, obviously for shelter. Some children are huddled in an ambulance as an aid worker says that the Tutsi children are being ethnically killed to stop their numbers from growing. Don grows disillusioned as he wonders out loud why no one is intervening in this crisis. Joaquin Phoenix, a photojournalist with a ferocious beard, makes the best point when Don asks him why no one will help and Joaquin simply states that Americans will see what’s going on, say how horrible it is, and continue eating their dinner. It’s a culture of apathy that prevents any real action from happening.

A bus full of white folk get the hell out of Rwanda in a New York minute and sit in stark contrast to Cheadle who stands in the middle of a rainstorm knowing what the exodus will mean. Then, out of nowhere, a rocket, which really almost looks like a Ball Park frank being shot of the end of a sparkler, flies up into the air and slams into the hotel.

Some cut scenes are shown of more violence on the part of rebel insurgents before you see Don hanging on the edge of a truck, bound for safer harbors, but saying good-bye to his family as he stays behind to help those who need helping.

Don confronts one of the leaders of the mass genocide, obviously trying to play both sides of the fence for his own survival, and has a bombastic moment worthy of an Oscar (Trademark, All Rights Reserved, Copyrighted) statuette. The rest of the trailer is filled with a rich score that only supports the emotional component of this film as we’re shown Don helping out anyone and everyone he can.

There are two things at play here in this trailer: the establishment of stark realism in showing the things that transpired over a decade ago in an African country and the performance of Don Cheadle which seems to gravitate towards the dramatic. What’s here, though, is more than enough to warrant some attention towards Don as a worthy award contender.

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