Director: Ryan Schifrin
Cast: Matt McCoy, Haley Joel, Michael Deak, Paul Gleason, Dee Wallace-Stone
Release: 2005
Synopsis: There’s a beast on the loose in the forest. Is it the abominable snowman?

Prognosis: So bad, it’s good. Who out there finds themselves longing for the simpler times of ‘80s horror cinema when movies like CHOPPING MALL, GHOULIES, PHANTASAM, CRITTERS, THE HOWLING, et al., were the bee’s knees for any kid worth their weight in subversive VHS rentals?

One of the things I still can get behind, and I don’t get behind much unless she’s really eager, natch, is a good shake ‘em up scare flick. Hollywood simply doesn’t make these kinds of films anymore and the direct-to-video crap they have on the shelves of Blockbuster just isn’t going to cut my need for good horror. This film, ABOMINABLE, while not really splatter-worthy, looks like a good step back in the right direction.

This trailer opens with an awful Peggy Lee-like ditty, but it is saccharine-sweet on purpose, the frame showing an ominously bare tree and as the shot is nearly overexposed. That’s when we get the words on the screen: “If a woman screams in a forest…” I’m loving life at this point but the title cards dissolve slowly, the bare tree appearing once more, “and no one is there to hear…” it says. The cards dissolve again only to have the scene get blurry, as this trailer begins with the conceit that this is being projected by film, the sound of a running projector prominent in the sound field and everything, the sound and the visuals, warp out of focus. “Does she still make a sound?”

We next then get a shot of the yeti himself taking in a leisurely stroll through the woods as he is just barely recognizable in the “film” footage being shown. It cuts quickly to a picture of someone’s eyes behind some mini-blinds as they ask someone if they’ve seen anything. High pitched violins ratchet up the tension level as we then get a couple of po-po’s with wide brimmed hats surveying a crash scene. One tells another that they still haven’t found any bodies (Ooo…missing bodies…) as we get a look at one of those old school station wagons (who the hell drives those things anymore, anyway?) with a large hole punched out in the windshield on the driver’s side. And then, Paul Gleason, Principal Richard Vernon himself, says that they should go check out the woods. As I think back about how appropriate that the consummate 80’s icon like him is in a movie that harkens back a couple of decades, I almost miss seeing the trippers innocent Catholic school girls who will become fodder for the screaming that will happen later on in this film. Of course there is an implied promise of nudity, but nothing beats a hapless, hopeless honey trying to hightail it as she tries to escape in a forest. And then, like a present from the ‘80s movie gods, we get our protagonist, Matt McCoy, star of POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT: MIAMI BEACH, who plays a cripple, er, a person with physical maladies. I don’t care who you are but if you’re any fan of horror films you can’t tell me that it wasn’t sweet as all hell when that one guy in a wheelchair bought it in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 and bumbled down all those steps; quality kill, if you ask me.

Anyhoo, we get more of Matt and then, shortly after, a peek at a woman just getting out of the shower as she wraps a towel around herself and of a blonde in front of her computer as the lights start to flicker. Things get quiet.

“There is something out there.”

Screams of this beast call out as the blonde from the last scene has telltale blood on her face. We get the beast banging on the tail end of a crappy car, the interior lights clearly bright enough to show how scared the blonde is as she tries to get away. There’s chaos everywhere, the cripple, er, disabled guy tries to snag an ax, there’s gunshots, screaming of all kinds, and then we get the money shot: the open mouth of the beast in question as it howls. Bloody footprints are shown in the snow.

I can’t speak so highly, or lowly, of this film. I’m sure it will most likely disappoint on all levels but the whiff of possibility was too tempting to at least not have some hope. And besides that, the poster for this film was designed by none other than Drew Struzan. For those scratching your head about who this master of movie art is, the man is responsible for giving us memorable movie posters for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, various STAR WARS designs, GOONIES, THE THING, and even, my favorite, BETTER OFF DEAD. The man is THE go-to-guy for any poster work, hands down.

Director: Paul Weitz
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, Scarlett Johansson, Selma Blair, Phillip Baker Hall, David Paymer
Release: December 29, 2004
Synopsis: Dan Foreman (played by Dennis Quaid) is headed for a shakeup. He is demoted from head of ad sales for a major magazine when the company he works for is acquired in a corporate takeover. His new boss, Tom (played by Topher Grace) is half his age—a business school prodigy who preaches corporate Synergy. While Dan develops clients through handshake deals and relationships, Tom cross-promotes the magazine with the cell phone division and “Krispity Krunch,” an indeterminate snack food under the same corporate umbrella.

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Prognosis: Predictable. My boss, the real one who facsimiles his signature on my check and the one who would can me in a second if he knew some of the sites I frequent while on the clock, never reads this column. The guy is nearly five years younger and only has a fraction of a college education. I’m bitter about both these facts and I can completely relate to Dennis Quaid’s situation in this new movie.

The trailer gets right to the chase in the first few seconds without the aid of a voice over or some placards. Topher Grace is going to be Dennis’ new boss. Scarlett Johnannson is Dennis’ supa fine daughter. She and Topher are riding in an elevator. The two of them have no idea who the other one is. Topher opens up and says it’s his first day on the job and even tosses a “I have no idea what I’m doing” line at her before making the eventual discovery of everything all that more comedic. When Topher and Dennis meet for the first time, Dennis casually asks how old he is. Upon responding 26, Topher asks Dennis the same question. The way Dennis says the words “fifty-one” you can feel the weight of the response in his voice as does Topher’s quickly thrown-back comment about Dennis being as old as his dad. Ok, it seems like a plot out of a bad King of Queens episode, not there’s really any other kind, but there seems to be something between these two guys.

We interrupt this trailer to tell you that this movie was directed by the same chap who gave us ABOUT A BOY. Thank you.

“You have the potential to be an awesome wingman.”

Topher’s ill-fated attempt to try and be a managerial figure results in some friction between the two of them and it’s completely believable to me. The other nice thing about this plot is that Topher’s life is taking a header into the crapper. The man seems to be a workaholic at twenty-six and is obviously too wrapped up in business to see what a waste it is to lose Selma Blair, who is fed up with his corporate ambition. The boy is just not right in the head. What little slices we are shown of what he does after his lady walks out on his ass make him out to be despondent and a little lost. When Dennis mentions as a goof of whether or not he’d like to have dinner at his house, Topher jumps at that hook with aplomb. With that invitation extended, and the Peter Gabriel hit “Solsbury Hill” cued up while knowing Scarlett is Dennis’ daughter, you can guess what happens next.

Yup. A little hand holding, leading to those dumb little movie smiles, leading to a little romancing, a little undressing, and all the other coquettish things Scarlett can do to entrench herself in Topher’s life before it all comes down when Dad finds out who she’s diddling. Dennis is all butt-hurt when he finds out it’s his boss she’s hooking up with, but I would see this as an advantage I could parlay into a big payday as long as she’s happy. So Dennis is all pissed before Topher gives a delightful soliloquy about love, passion and all that garbage. Either she’ll end up not being with him or she will. I do know, however, is that I just saved you eight bucks.

Director: Steven Soderbergh
Cast: George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bruce Willis, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Vincent Cassel, Don Cheadle, Andy Garcia, Elliott Gould, Eddie Jemison, Bernie Mac, Shaobo Qin, Carl Reiner
Release: December 10, 2004
Synopsis: Danny Ocean (Clooney), reignited flame Tess (Roberts) and the rest of a band of thieves and con men (some returning and some new), team up for another three huge heists, but this time they’re in three different locations (Rome, Paris and Amsterdam). In Amsterdam, the prize is Rembrandt’s “De Nachtwacht” painting, which resides at the Rijksmuseum. Meanwhile, casino owner Terry Benedict (Garcia), whom Ocean and crew ripped off in Las Vegas, is hot on their tail, looking for revenge.

Prognosis: Even the Boston Red Sox would hit it if they could. This is a good, clean trailer.

If I was given the opportunity to create the marketing campaign for this film my first tagline would’ve been “Holy fu#$^& sh$%! Can you believe we managed to squeeze this many egos into a widescreen? I mean, for fu$% sake, how often does this happen? See this film!” However, something with enough star wattage to fuel a small African village the trailer here is surprisingly casual and harkens back to the great trailers of the 50’s; there are intros done for all the major players with kitschy exclamatory descriptors to go along with their on-screen personalities.

I wasn’t sure what to expect with an opening that says “Who can forget that thing they did with that guy that time?” The bleached white view of everyone’s legs as they walk all cool and confident with jazzy music underneath it all, while aesthetically appealing, made me think that this film was going to cater to the low denominators in the house. That concern was assuaged with the next scene of Brad Pitt talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. The shot is over Brad’s shoulder as Andy asks for the money he helped to steal in the first film, with interest, and that he wasn’t the only one looking for the money. Brad walks towards his car, listening to Andy, and it’s a beautiful day out in the parking lot. Brad’s car explodes. Nice.

“It’s payback time!”

The above quote is one in a long string of exclamations that each person gets with their intros. Short of upping the font size to 50% of the screen the nostalgia factor of this shows what kind of mindless fun this movie is trying to be about.

Clooney then comes on the screen and says that they need, all eleven, twelve?, a high paying job. This is an interesting statement as I thought these guys had made the “ultimate score.” But as you scratch your head trying to figure out why it is they are making another go at things we get multiple cut scenes of some exotic European locale. Almost like how the Brady’s needed a paper-thin reason to go to Hawaii (that blasted, cursed idol!) so too do these people need a good reason to go to Europe: they’re too well-known. Works for me.

Catherine Zeta-Wanna-Laya Jones is in this thing, I believe, as some sort of agent Mastermind in training but I’m too busy waiting to hear that T-Mobile chirp to pay attention.

Matt Damon even meets up with Andy Garcia. In the scene we’re shown Andy rudely tells Matt to get out of his car. I’m surprised that Matt isn’t somehow hanging upside down by his short and curlies but this is a very interesting encounter that obviously needs a lot more exposition before I understand how these two can meet in such a nonviolent altercation.

Bernie Mac has a problem with it being called Ocean’s Eleven. His signature combative comedy worked well the first time, as who can forget when he and Matt discussed the finer points of hiring more “coloreds” in Vegas casinos, and it looks like its back for another round. Some say his signature style is shticky and played out at this point but I like it.

George asks the question about what it is they’re stealing and it’s brilliant that the question is never answered because up to this point you’re just trying to get an handle on everything that’s happening in the trailer that you almost forgot this is about thievery of some sort. We are given no indication what it is they’re going to be pilfering and this only helps to up the interest factor in what these guys have flowed to Europe to lift.

I look forward to the time that OCEAN’S ELEVEN takes over SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION as the movie that gets played nightly on either TBS or TNT. I can watch the movie again and again without it ever becoming a nuisance. Also, I get a kick of the Mormon brothers; Casey Affleck and Scott Caan are just great antagonists.

Director: John Polson
Cast: Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning, Famke Janssen, Elisabeth Shue, Amy Irving, Dylan Baker
Release: April 1, 2005
Synopsis: A widowed father desperately tries to break through to his nine year old daughter when she creates a creepy, maniacal imaginary friend with a terrifying vendetta. Imaginary friends can seem so real.

Prognosis: Positive if Dakota buys it by the end. Ok.

Since Dakota Fanning’s career is still burgeoning, I feel an obligation to track it with the kind of anticipation that many young boys out there showed as they waited for the eventual personal demise of the Olsen twins. Some people enjoy collecting stamps or coins, but I like to try and pick out who will eventually have their own E! True Hollywood Story told to millions. I’m betting the farm on Dakota.

To be fair, I’ll take this thing from the top with Robert De Niro. At first the man seems to be a guardian of sorts to a crazy looking Dakota. While this movie opens up in the city the bulk of what’s going happen looks to be in the country. Famke Jannsen says that little Dakota needs to “works through this.” What this is we’re not sure but Bobby says he needs to be a full-time dad.

Whoa! Go-Go-Gadget fertility! A man his age deserves to have a wet nurse Dakota’s age not being the one responsible for her upbringing, but I’ll play along like a good little boy.

Dakota has an imaginary friend named Charlie. First of all, when you have a kid that looks so obviously Robert Smith of the Cure pale and evil like Dakota appears to be in this thing the best method for dealing with it is not sequestering yourself in a remote country house where no one will hear your shrill death screams as the kid plunges a meat thermometer in your eye socket. You lock the kid up in solitary and punt her butt out into solarium for some rays. To confirm this suspicion of mine you see the Dakota’s written “You Let Her Die” on the bathtub wall in the middle of the night. Bobby needs to be severely alarmed. Dunking her in water would’ve been a good start.

“It’s not unusual for a child to create imaginary friends….”

I also love how Famke is playing the shrink-by-phone role in this film. I’m sure she’ll be important later in serving to rescue Robert from an axe-wielding youngster in some way in the third act.

Elizabeth Shue is looking just fabulous as she can be and, judging by the flashback, looks like a close stand-in for the previous mother. How original I know, but I am concerned about how long it’s been since the mother died. Robert is back on that proverbial horse trying to get some of that Elizabeth goodness, who wouldn’t, but it’s odd in a STRANGE BREW “get married so soon after the funeral” sort of way. What’s more is that this imaginary “friend” seems to be manifesting some troubling behavior as he/she/it starts to act aggressively against daddy’s new plaything.

“Let’s hope you don’t wind up like her.”

Yeah, Dakota says this to an obviously concerned Elizabeth Shue. I tell you what, if my kid was actively trying to shoot down my chance to get up on that horse again with a MILF-a-licious someone like Elizabeth I would be tying that brat down to the bed SEVEN style for the duration of the evening. Robert even tries to question the authority of her imaginary friend to which Dakota says that kind of talk will only make her friend mad.

Look, get Father Karas or Dr. Phil on the case because this Wednesday look-alike from the Adams Family needs some straightening out; this movie should be about 10 minutes long from the kinds of psychosis this kid is displaying.

“If you want to know the secret you have to play the game.” Lame tagline. It is god awful but whatever gets the middle aged to come see the movie.

Director: Zhang Yimou
Cast: Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau, Zhang Ziyi, Dandan Song
Release: December 3, 2004 (Limited)br> Synopsis: Near the end of the Tang Dynasty, police deputies Jin (Kaneshiro) and Leo (Lau) tangle with Mei (Zhang), a dancer suspected of having ties to a revolutionary faction known as the House of Flying Daggers. Enraptured by her, the deputies concoct a plan to save her from capture, and Jin leads her north in what becomes a perilous journey into the unknown.

Prognosis: Very Positive. First thing that I thought?

I’ll share because I know we all have a tight relationship and you won’t think too differently of me.

The opening shot of this trailer has three dudes, all wearing green, standing in a field of thin, green bamboo trees. It’s smoky, there’s an army of guys just like them standing a few feet behind, and as they have their heads down, their wide brimmed Asian sombrero covering their faces, I swear I am looking at BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA part two. What’s more, one of the three guys in this trailer wings the exact same blade Thunder, Carter Wong, used in the film.

The blade seems like it dances in the air as it tumbles and turns. The effect is wonderful to watch as it eventually hits a bamboo tree, splintering it. Next, we’re given notice this film is the official Chinese entry in the 2005 Academy Awards for best foreign language film. This is when the even better stuff starts.

Fast paced sticks and drums start in and we are given a look at Ziyi Zhang busting a move with in a swift, colorful flourish. We’re given an Ebert quote. Sharp bamboo spears rain down from above as fleeing soldiers try to avoid becoming a human-on-a-stick for a hungry animal. The Chicago Tribune gives a quote. Ziyi is taking a bath in the open as an interloper looks on. Reuters gives a quote. A blade is unsheathed and flung. Ziyi tosses a blade, attached to the end of her long flowing robe, in the direction of someone she’s trying to kill. The interloper from before and Ziyi hold hands. A dude, doing the splits using two bamboo trees fights off an attack as his twigs and berries dangle precipitously in front of harms way. There’s a fight in the snow.

Then, there’s a shot of the oft used bamboo forest. Then, as a whizzing sound populates the audio landscape, dozens of sharp thingies come straight at the camera. Ziyi and her man are then shown laying comfortably on the ground next to one another.

What’s interesting about this film, apart from the action going on, is the way it looks. Anyone who is familiar with the genre already knows that the director from HERO also is the one behind this film as is the writer, costume designer, production designer, and action choreographer. It’s nice when you have a studio like Miramax hold back a movie like HERO for so long because you end up generating interest in this property for a different company, Sony Pictures Classics, who didn’t feel the need to sit on this film. Within a matter of half a year you get the treat of being able to see two films, informed by the same sensibilities, by the same director. This may not mean anything for someone who hasn’t seen HERO or has any plans on seeing HERO or even cares what HERO is but for those of us in the know it is a rare treat that shan’t be overlooked or underappreciated.

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