Director: George Lucas
Cast: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence, Don Pedro Colley, Maggie McOmie, Ian Wolfe, Marshall Efron, Sid Haig
Release: September 10, 2004 (Directors Cut); September 14, 2004 (DVD)
Synopsis: George Lucas adapted this, his first film, from a short he made at University. THX 1138, LUH 3417, and SEN 5241 attempt to escape from a futuristic society located beneath the surface of the Earth. The society has outlawed sex, with drugs used to control the people. THX 1138 stops taking the drugs, and gets LUH 3417 pregnant. They are both thrown in jail where they meet SEN 5241 and start to plan their escape.

Prognosis: Positive. At the San Diego Comic-Con there were these freaky hippy dudes, but without the sub-dermal patchouli smell and dressed in the same Egyptian clothing the people in this film, passing out small postcards pimping this film. While I am still not quite sure what this film is about I am sure there are cadres and legions of you hiding behind an electronic veil of anonymity that could. Some of you can attest to going to film school because of Lucas’ inspiration whereas I wore a white helmet wearing a short bus that showed nothing but RASINING ARIZONA and STRANGE BREW. Here, however, is what I think is going on in this film: it’s a balder version of I, ROBOT and a more frenetic-paced film than 1984 with a tinge of BLADE RUNNER nihilism. Do I even come close?

If nothing else, the trailer is great. I gasp in horror myself that I am actually looking forward to picking up something this upcoming Tuesday made by Lucas himself that I am not grinding my teeth down to stumps wishing I could just pass up (yes, I am one of the many who was lured into the dark side to own PHANTOM MENACE, but, really, Ray Park was criminally underused but a wonder to watch when he was on screen.).

Here’s how I see things: you have a po-po walking a little kid down a stark white hallway. The feeling is antiseptic and abnormally clean, clinical even. Static buzzes on a television screen and it’s Mr. Napalm himself, Robert Duvall, asking for medication; something stronger, perhaps? A faceless voice, with a tone that’s too chipper to be sinister, tells him that it if he has a problem he shouldn’t hesitate to ask for assistance. Duvall looks beaten, emotionally, and is on the verge of giving up on everything.

Old school printouts, the ones where there’s alternating green and white boxes and are perforated on the sides, jut upwards on the screen. These are the same kind of printouts that always got jammed if your name wasn’t Bob Villa and you ended up not matching the effin’ spindles just perfectly. Everything goes black. Bob stands in the corner; flashbacks of a bleached BLAIR WITCH ending come to mind, as he taps his head against the wall. The chipper voice asks, “What’s wrong?” Bobby doesn’t answer.

Duvall works the assembly line, wearing some badass vintage headphones that could go for some serious dough on E-Bay, on some maniacal looking robot. The voice behind a dozen glowing television screens call out again, “What’s wrong?” Before I think Duvall is making out with some dude, not that there is anything wrong with that but I like to know these things going in, I see the grainy visage of a holo-projected Obi-Wan pop up on the screen. I could care less who it actually is but it’s cool nonetheless as long as the voice attached to it isn’t that man-child platypus from the first two films who I wished hard would’ve got whacked.

The sets look minimal but the tinkering that Lucas has done to this in recent years, even though I haven’t seen frame one of the actual film, is evident by the kinds of enhancements I can see. After we see the apocalyptic world Duvall lives in, and after we finally see that he really wasn’t kissing a dude, not that there would have been anything wrong with that, we hear the woman in question say that “they” have been watching the two of them. I am assuming they aren’t allowed to get together. A green screen shows us that Duvall is indeed a sexual deviant who is to be conditioned out of his disorder. Here’s where the really good stuff comes.

Some po-po’s that have silvery faces like an 80’s era Express mannequin come plodding forward, attempting to take our good hero away, but aren’t able to catch their quarry as Duvall hits the switches and takes off in what sounds like a land-speeder; I mean, c’mon, listen to it. After this, a voice goes off. “What’s wrong?” it says. It says it over and over again as small clips play.

The captivating images here are of Duvall trying to make his way through a sea of humanity, trying to escape, and of him in a small car while the mannequin cops speed on their motorbikes after his unconforming ass. The whole trailer is made with minimal music and it works wonderfully here. In the true old school way the trailer teases without revealing an ending and whets the appetite to find out what the hell is actually going on. There was no setup for this thing and we are thrust into this guy’s world but by the end we know that trouble is afoot.

Director:Elliot Berlin, Joe Fab
Cast: Linda Hooper, Sandra Roberts, Dagmar Schindel-Hildebrad, Peter Schroeder, David Smith
Release:September 8, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: As a part of their study of the Holocaust, the children of the Whitwell, TN Middle School try to collect 6 million paper clips representing the 6 million Jews killed by the Nazis.

Prognosis: Positive. “Our goal was to teach children what happens when prejudice goes unchecked.”

Simple fact about me #56,342: I like movies about World War II. I don’t know why but I am utterly fascinated with what happened in that time. Be it Hitler, the Jews, the indifferent America that turned its back on it all until Pearl Harbor (Lord only knows I probably would’ve tried myself to sink America after seeing Michael Bay’s vision of fictional puke), or the internment of the Japanese (where are more silver screen examples on that story?), I am hooked on it all. So, when a film like this comes out and draws on the truly heinous to make younger generations learn a lesson or two I am all eyes and ears.

We get images of those at concentration camps and a photo of Hitler on a computer screen (I wonder if the little tikes are able to play Oregon Trail on that PC? That was electric heroin to me back in the day.) before flashes of all the pretty accolades this documentary has won. For a documentary it’s not only vital but it is a damn good idea to let people know your reality ride has garnered some positive attention. With the self-congratulation out of the way we get to heart of the plot. It does a perfect job of letting us know that this story is taking place in a town of about 1600 people where the only diversity that these southerners know is that there are different kinds of fat KKK’ers and lazy KKK’ers.

So, the teachers wanted to let kids know that Hitler killed six million people. It wasn’t as many as those who died on the inside after seeing Shaquille O’Neal’s KAZAAM but it was damn close. How should you teach, then, about one of the worst cases of mass homicide to young’uns? Revive a old custom in the 40’s that had people wearing paper clips to represent those that they knew were lost in the holocaust, that’s how. With that idea a germ was born in educators’ minds and 25,000 pieces of mail later followed a phenomenon that struck the small community. People were writing in with stories about their dead relatives from the war, there were narratives from strangers recounting the events of as they experienced them and they all flooded one school as everyone scurried about to collect 6 million paperclips. As luck would have it Tom Hanks sent in some, former president Bush tossed a few their way, and even Bill Cosby helped out by helping out this small school. Cosby probably felt it was a humanitarian atonement after inflicting LEONARD PART 6 unto the world.

Yeah, the ending’s obvious, and the story is ready-made for a People magazine exposé, but this is one of those kinds of films that could serve as an antidote for any one of the crappy children’s films that parents have to endure. I’m not there yet but, like WINGED MIGRATION, it’s hard to get kids interested in something that doesn’t evoke immediate interest and this is something that might hold their fragile attention; it held mine for a good minute and a half.

Director: Breck Eisner
Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Steve Zahn, Penelope Cruz
Release: March 25, 2005
Synopsis: Based on a Clive Cussler bestseller, this modern action-adventure is the story of NUMA agent (National Underwater Marine Agency) and master explorer, Dirk Pitt (McConaughey), who discovers that thousands of North Africans are being driven mad by something polluting the water. If unchecked, the entire world population could be threatened.

Prognosis: Negative. This trailer starts off with action voiceover guy.

Remember, this guy is different from throaty voiceover guy as this one is just paid to make you feel all tingly with anticipation while the other is supposed to make you afraid for your life. Action voiceover guy lets us know that this trailer is starting in the final days of the Civil War. And hey, just in case you’re like me and you failed American history or you’re British and were under the presumption that the Civil War was about as close as us Yanks were to actually screwing things up on our own, the nice chaps decide to flash up a cheesy effect to let us know it’s Virginia, 1865. It seems some confederates, you know, the ones who would’ve made the Ford F-150 and Red Man chewing tobacco standard issue to every 13 year-old boy, stashed some gold on a ship. Of course, it disappears without a trace; that’s what you get, though, for letting Billy Bob show off how he can steer with his crotch and chug a Lowenbrau while diddling his cousin Steve.

Fast forward nearly 140 years and get a real tight close up of Matthew “career implosion” McConaughey in the middle of the desert. It seems the ship made it onto Africa’s desert plane. Hey, don’t laugh at me as voiceover guy says bestselling author Clive Cussler wrote the damn thing. And here’s something else of interest. I try not to be a snob about anything, but Clive Cussler? The man just has a way with hitting a target audience that likes their reading spoon-fed to them via a wet nurse and that makes him bankable? Ugh. Oh well, I must not know a damn thing as the man makes millions while I scribe away in my basement eating ramen and drinking cherry Flavor Aid.

Anyhoo, McConaughey is our dashing hero, Dirk Pitt. Yeah, I’m laughing on the inside as well. So, Dirk Pitt, is our Indiana Jones-lite character who is going to uncover a “deadly secret.” From the looks of it, it appears to be dysentery but we press on looking for a semblance of a plot. Penelope Cruz is our fair maiden who I am sure Dirk Diggle…I mean Dirk Pitt is going to try and woo the pants off of and we also have Steve Zahn as our comedic relief who is shown getting an unbelievable shot off with his machine gun, BATMAN style, allowing Dirk’s car to go speeding through a solid wall. We get some explosions which look as dangerous as a case of treatable herpes but we do get McConaughey doing some sand surfing with a biplane on its edge which looks fairly interesting but it only lasts so long before I am yanked back to reality. This looks like ass.

I wasn’t teased with this trailer. I was downright violated.

Director: Mark Neale
Cast: Ewan McGregor, Valentino Rossi, Max Biaggi, Garry McCoy
Release: On DVD now
Synopsis: The MotoGP world championship is the pinnacle of motorcycle sport, a series of sixteen races on five continents contested by twenty-four of the world’s top riders. Filmed around the world during the 2001 and 2002 seasons, FASTER asks this question: How do you go faster than the rest, how do you win at this glamorous, dangerous game? The movie could be subtitled: How do you beat Valentino Rossi? The 24 year old Italian, world champion in 2001 and 2002, currently dominates MotoGP. He is the biggest star the sport has ever seen and the charismatic centre of the film. In addition to Rossi, FASTER focuses on three other MotoGP riders: Rossi’s bitter rival Max Biaggi; the brilliant but injury-prone Garry McCoy; and the rising teenage star John Hopkins. Their stories reveal both the ecstasy and the terror of life in the insanely fast lane, as do the tales told by a supporting cast of former world champions including Mick Doohan, Kevin Schwantz, Wayne Rainey, Kenny Roberts and Barry Sheene.

Prognosis: Positive. I include this one only for its sheer simplicity.

Anyone out there like crotch rockets, rice burners, suicide rides? Ewan McGregor likes ‘em enough to take off on the open road across the European countryside and decided to lend a voice to this documentary on the sport of racing motor bikes.

What’s really apparent here, if you allow yourself to be open to the nuance of the sport, is the really thin line these guys ride on top of. In NASCAR you get hillbillies in cars, in F-1 racing you get dudes exceeding serious amounts of speed in their metal coffins should one of them get lulled to sleep by the din of their engines, in demolition derbies you get an amalgam of backwoods troglodytes and weekend warriors who are really good at making crappy cars go backward and forward while wearing neck braces and, well, go-carters? Well, men who race go-carts need to give it up and move out of their parents’ attic.

In the opening moments of this trailer, as Ewan talks about the serious races that mean most to the guys who are literally holding on to life by their thighs and fingers, you actually can feel the build-up. I appreciate there isn’t a need to immediately go to an MTV-style quick cut of tires and blurred visions of speeding bikes.

“If you want to be the world champion, this is the one you have to win.”

The music is subtly bringing things to a boil as you watch the line of colorful cyclists move in one long thread. It is only then you see these men sliding and diving into turns while bending their bodies around tight curves. It’s about this time when you see someone start wavering.

You see the unlikely winner for one race flip over his bike. The rotation of the man’s body makes you wince slightly but it’s exhilarating. I am usually all up in arms about the use of slo-mo but it’s poetic here with the rock n’ roll beat that is absolutely bumpin’ throughout the whole thing. And there’s even another shot of someone completely losing it before the trailer is done and everything goes silent.

And that’s probably the weirdest thing about this short trailer. If you watch it the music is abruptly cut off and the title is scrolled across the screen before really shutting down. I didn’t appreciate getting all hot and bothered before being yanked back into reality so quickly. I was like a man with no more quarters in the nudie booth.

I wasn’t normally someone to pay any attention at all to this kind of film but this looks like a well made documentary where the limbs and skulls of our fellow man are sure to be shown getting a bad case of road rash.

Director: He Ping
Cast: Jiang Wen, Kiichi Nakai, Wang Xueqi, Zhao Wei, Hasi Bagen, He Tao, Harrison Liu, Wang Deshun, Yang Haiquan, Yeerjiang Mahepushen, Zhou Yun
Release: August 27, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: In the tradition of Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai, WARRIORS OF HEAVEN AND EARTH weaves a thread of battle, comradeship and honor. Set in the ferocious Gobi Desert, the story follows two protagonists, Lieutenant Li (Jiang Wen) and Japanese emissary Lai Xi (Nakai Kiichi) – both first-class warriors and master swordsmen. After decades of service to the Chinese Emperor, Lai Xi longs to return to Japan, but is instead sent to the West to chase wanted criminals. His only passport back to Japan is to capture and execute Lieutenant Li, a renegade soldier wanted for leading a violent mutiny when he refused orders to kill female and child prisoners.

Prognosis: Positive. God love throaty voiceover guy. He sounds so commanding and intimidating that I am almost ready to see WARRIORS OF HEAVEN ON EARTH just because it seems like he’d beat me up if I didn’t.

It really is of little relevance of what the guy said simply based on the content of these characters and the color employed in the sets. The opening is stylistically muted with a group of men in light taupe robes, looking like the color blind sect of the Tibetan monks, wistfully going about their business. I know what you’re thinking, I do. I take one look at that blue Sony Pictures Classics and feel a narcoleptic attack come on like a sock full of sleeping powder hitting you in the back of the head. BUT, when I hear that soothing and dangerous sound of a sword being unsheathed I awaken for but a moment to see if it will be worth my while to continue. It is.

“Two warriors with a past.”

Really, the first interesting things that we see are two dudes ready to go old school sword fighting with one another. As my good guy/bad guy instructional manual goes I will take the guess that the dude with the black Elvis pompadour, black armor (or armour for our proper Englishmen across the pond), black fu-man-chu moustache with a black flavor (flavour, natch) saver is the evil one and the guy with ears that could simply flutter and allow the him to fly away is going to be our protagonist. Quicker than Richard “Suicide” Dawson can say ‘survey says’ I am fairly right on the money with that one to some extent.

It seems the two of them have been asked to escort a “mysterious caravan” that holds the future of an empire. As soon as the voiceover guy lets us know this, the camera lingers on some good looking Chinese woman who I am thinking may very well hold the key as to why this film is rated R; at least that’s what I am hoping and praying it is. Quickly, the scene moves on and we get some other Chinese guy who wears these dreads that look borrowed right out of an Alicia Keyes video. However, homeboy looks quick with the weaponry, and it is really dreadlock man who is our bad guy du jour.

The set pieces look absolutely amazing. THE LAST SAMURAI’s armor looked polished and ready to be hung in a museum but here, in this trailer, it looks like its ready for some action. Sure enough we get handheld crossbows, full fledged archers and lots of dudes on horses wielding sharp blades. It’s about this time when voiceover guy says that these men will be fighting for heaven and earth, but, whatever, I am in the mood for some violence and it pays off well. We get a great line up of men on their trusty steeds on either side of a line waiting for the go ahead to charge at one another. The signal is given and there are all sorts of screaming, the drumming in the background is a wonderful accompaniment, and we stop just as soon as the first sword goes “clang.”

We get villages set on fire, there’s the one guy versus five stand-off, we get bald guys with big beads praying, we get some ladies belly dancing while another one takes a hot bath, and, the best part, rocket…propelled…spears. This one looks like a keeper and I only pray Asia can keep cranking out these kinds of films to the US.

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