Director: Brett Ratner
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Woody Harrelson, Salma Hayek, Don Cheadle, Naomie Harris
Release: November 12, 2004
Synopsis: Life should be easy after a sterling career as a master thief. Though he is now retired to an island paradise, trouble comes looking for Max Burdett (Pierce Brosnan) when his former nemesis from the FBI (Woody Harrelson) shows up with news of a big score rumored to be on the horizon. With a savvy local cop (Salma Hayek) also in the wings, a new cat-and-mouse game of friendship, suspicion and thievery is afoot.

Prognosis: Positively for Parents. You know, last week, when I said to do everything humanely possible, short of cattle prodding, to keep your parents from seeing SHALL WE DANCE? Yes, well, I found a suitable suitor for them to accompany them on a fun little trip through thievery lane.

Woody Harrelson (who put the bong down long enough to put in more than a few minutes from his appearance in SHE HATE ME) looks great in the beginning moments of this trailer. In a black Chevrolet Suburban he is told that he has more protection on him than the president. We get the gist, being shown the diamond early on, that Woody is the man who is in sole possession of said carbon rock. Some hobo window washer chick walks up to the Suburban, scans the vehicle ID # with a James Bondian-like device (I have no idea why, either) and checks it in her PDA which she conveniently has open, as Woody says with all the conviction of an actor who has been trained at Julliard, “I’ve dealt with this guy before.” How very steely Stallone of you, Woody. I almost believed it.

Sure enough, Woody is watching the escorted diamond make its way from his car to the hands of a pack of mall security guards as Pierce Brosnan looks on from above. All of a sudden the car is taken over by remote control. I don’t have any information that would lead me to understand how the VIN number and the remote operating of a bulletproof SUV have any kind of connection but Pierce looks like he’s having fun and so will your folks when they see this and that’s all that matters. Selma Hayek, stripping down from her hobo attire to reveal the crafty disguise she was wearing was enough to foil the pigs was just an act, watches Pierce as he moves the car in front of a Mac truck and lets it get T-boned. So, just like the guys in white painters outfits who just happen to be holding a piece of plate glass at just the right moment whenever a car chase is afoot, so too is the legendary Mac. Anyway, after this happens, and after we learn that Pierce is the world’s bestest, awesomeist jewel thief (from art to jewels Pierce is the probably the best-looking, not to mention heinous, simulacrum of the kinds of people who usually fill these roles in real life.). Plus, he has the hottest-looking partner in Hayek since, well, Zeta-Jones in that awful ENTRAPMENT flick. Pierce is a thief who is on his way out (it’s all about the big, final score, man) but this movie sets itself apart from previous entries into this genre.

Believe me, the reasons why I like this trailer are not for the directing it displays. Let’s face it, the movie is not going to live or die in Brett Ratner’s hands if this film has a moderately reasonable script. However, this film is sure as hell isn’t going to get kudos for its camera work. Not in the slightest. No, the reasons why I like this trailer is that you have Harrelson who has been trying to find Brosnan for the past seven years, Brosnan is still looking for that clichéd “last score” and finds it in another diamond. Plus, you get, and this is the real reason why the movie might be interesting, Don Cheadle in the mix.

This movie is about the successful boosting of a diamond. Pure and simple. End of story. What makes this trailer interesting, apart from the good selection of music (Blue Man Group’s “I Feel Love”), is the kinetic feel of the action at the end of this thing. Plus, I am not completely sure who ends up winning out in the end. Sometimes you can just tell that good wins out over bad in crime flicks, but with this, there really is a sense that Brosnan might, just might, live out until his retirement. Tell ma and pa this will suit them more than adequately for a matinee.

Director:Charles Shyer
Cast: Jude Law, Marisa Tomei, Omar Epps, Nia Long, Jane Krakowski, Sienna Miller, Susan Sarandon
Release:October 22, 2004
Synopsis: A stylish reinvention of the 1960’s classic ALFIE, this film is a humorous, sexy and often touching tale of a philosophical womanizer (Jude Law) who is forced to question his seemingly carefree existence.

Prognosis: Pompous. Smooth, smoky jazz plays slowly. The skyline of New York is in complete sunny splendor and the view of Jude Law, sputtering on his Vespa, fills the screen. “The most beautiful women reside in Manhattan.”

As a viewer I wonder what Jamaican Red he’s been toking on I’ve personally seen better quality co-eds strolling the sidewalks of major universities all over this country. Oh well, I guess. It’s best to let the man make his case. Jude almost convinces me of his half-truths as a pair of blondes start kissing each other and then, like cold ocean water against my nether regions, I get Susan Sarandon biting on the ear hook of one of her tinted sunglasses, trying to look sexy but only evoking a slight feeling of uneasiness and discontent. I am horrified. As I try to think of something else, I try to burn the mental image with kerosene as Jude pops back up to carry my attention away.

Law speaks right to the camera as his own narrator and that gets him some points with me as there isn’t anyone else who is trying to sell me on the movie. This trailer could really benefit from playing up all the naughty things that could happen or might happen but I realize the final product is only going to end up being like hotel porn, all the good stuff is chucked in favor of the more chick friendly PG-13 version.

What is so confusing about this trailer is that on hand we get a hot blonde in the back of a limo, who may or may not be wearing underwear, writhing for the chance to score with Law but we also get a useless shot of Marisa Tomei (where the hell have her and her Oscar been?) and a very disturbing shot of him kissing Sarandon. Deeply. I’m horrified again. The boy is young enough to be her son and I am well too aware that her real husband is Tim Robbins. It skeeves me out.

After he’s shown getting it on with a different hottie, Tomei and a sistah, who is supa-dupa fine, he introduces himself to the camera as Alfie. Guess what, Alfie? Who the hell cares who you are? You’re good looking, have an accent and have a way with the chicks? There isn’t a reason on God’s green earth that would make me want to see a movie about a dude who is scoring more poon than I am. Is this movie for ladies who fantasize about hooking up with a gigolo? Sorry to say but Richard Gere did this film back when Law was still learning how to tie his shoes and that fact doesn’t make me want to see this movie any quicker.

Look, if this movie is a lot more than Law getting as much tail as he wants, you’ve lost me because there isn’t a shred of evidence to the contrary. If there is something that gives this flick a twist you need to tell me because all I see is a self-indulgent man who deserves to get VD.

Director:Mike Mitchell
Cast:Ben Affleck, James Gandolfini, Christina Applegate, Catherine O’Hara
Release:November 12, 2004
Synopsis:Facing another Christmas alone, Drew Latham (Affleck) decides to go back to his idyllic childhood home to spend the holidays with family. There is, however, one problem: the people living there now are not Drew’s family. Nevertheless, Drew has his mind set on an old-fashioned family Christmas, and the fact that the “family” in question, the Valcos, are complete strangers, isn’t about to put a crimp in his plans. Offering them a small fortune, Drew bribes his newfound “parents” (Gandolfini and O’Hara) to let him spend Christmas in their home, pretending to be part of the family. Just when the Valcos begin to question if any amount of money is worth being dragged all over town on such traditional family holiday excursions as Christmas shopping and the requisite choosing of the Christmas tree, their eldest daughter Alicia (Applegate) comes home for the holidays, with no intention of adopting a new “brother.”

Prognosis: Positive. “There is a day once a year when the best of intentions can go horribly, terribly wrong.” First off, I don’t like the conceit. The timer that counts down to zero makes it seem like an entirely different movie than it is. It feels like a bomb squad is going to have to pick up pieces of our hero in Ziploc baggies but, instead, we get something else entirely different. What is the point of deception like this when you get an audience who is baited to think the trailer is going to be one thing and is switched with another? It’s not that big of a deal to me but it’s enough to warrant a little flack on my behalf. I do know, however, that mine is but a small voice as I know that Billy Bob from Alabama might think it’s a hoot that he’s, “just been done had.” Conceit or not conceit that is the question and one of truly personal taste.

So, Ben’s character is really into Christmas. His “dad,” played by James Gandolfini, looks like the comedic equivalent of castor oil and his mother, played like Catherine O’Hara seems content with just letting things take their natural, disastrous course. The adversarial relationship that Ben and Gandolfini have looks wildly entertaining. Ben carrying the last note to an annoying conclusion in his rendition of “O, Christmas Tree” is a nice touch.

“Surviving the fun.”

Cue “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” song by Andy Williams as this is a Hollywood Christmas.

A one man snowball fight is in full effect as Ben whizzes ice balls into the face of a very uncooperative younger “brother,” some cribbing going on from CHRISTMAS VACATION as the kid says he can’t feel his toes as he stands still out in a snowy yard, while Ben yells out with mirth and glee. I am unsure why the brother just stands there and I am even more unsure of why in the hell Gandolfini takes a shovel to knock Ben unconscious from behind; in front of the house no less.

So, with that the trailer is done and we really only have three scenes here to provide some insight into what this film is all about. First glance tells me that Ben is the normal one of the “family,” albeit a little over-excited if it’s natural and not being manufactured by an array of little red, blue or purple pills mixed together on a daily basis. What’s odd is that the brother doesn’t seem to like him nor does the father. This is a severely dysfunctional family Christmas movie.

But wait, after looking at what this movie is all about, doing some research to get a deeper plot explanation I have some reasons why everything feels so weird. I come to find that this is not Ben’s family. This is a family of strangers. Every, single, one, of, them. Ben “buys off” each one of the people inside the house because the home happens to be where he grew up and had fond memories of Christmas and in an effort to recapture the magic he gives the strangers who now reside in the place a large sum of money to let him pretend he is a part of their brood for the festivities. Obviously, now that you look at it this way, things make much better sense but it obfuscates the beginning line of the movie. We are led to believe the best of intentions going horribly wrong relates to a person trying to have their holidays go well with an estranged family they grew up with for their entire life. It only seems here that the only thing that can go horribly wrong is that the people who Affleck pays off don’t want to play back. Whatever. I’m getting all sorts of twisted in semantics but, bottom line, I like the trailer. I like it enough that I want to see this movie more than I do CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS.

Mike Mitchell, the man responsible for directing this puppy, also had his directorial fingers on DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO. The writers on this thing, in contrast, have been involved with CAN’T HARDLY WAIT and JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS. Also, we have support writing from a couple of people who have done work on That 70’s Show, The Simpson’s, and Murphy Brown. A total of 4 writers are credited. How this affects the final product is yet to be seen but take it for what it’s worth. In my opinion, though, Ben looks funny enough, O’Hara is like a great ball player who always comes through and Gandolfini is really good at playing tough guys with hearts made of stone.

Director: Peter Hyams
Cast: Cécile De France, Maïwenn Le Besco, Philippe Nahon, Franck Khalfoun, Andrei Finti
Release: Fall, 2004
Synopsis: Two female students, Marie and Alex, set off to Alex’s parent’s secluded homestead in the country to relax and study. Come nightfall, Hell pulls up at the front door. Alex is now bound and gagged, taken off, with Marie eluding the intruder. Can she save her friend’s life in time? Or is everything all that it seems….

Prognosis: Insanely Positive.

The trailer starts with a couple of chicks from Europe, and I know it’s Europe not only because of their silly accents but because they’re driving a hatchback P.O.S. and listening to crappy European pop music, who are out driving and are making their way to a small house in the country where they arrive in the early evening. It’s a house owned, if my European is still up-to-date, by one of the girls’ parents. They trade bonjours, niceties and eventually bid bonsoir to one another by calling it a night. One of the girls cannot sleep as she lay awake in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Crickets chip their chirps as the sounds of night consume the air. Then, out of nowhere in particular, a car rolls right up to the front door with its high beams on. Since you know it’s not Publishers Clearinghouse delivering an oversized check and balloon bouquet you get the inkling something very bad is going to happen here. Any set of screeching tires that you hear in a trailer, that don’t involve swerving to avoid woodland creatures, wherever you may be, will tell you that it’s going to be a long night.

Sure as a busted clock is tells the right time at least twice a day, the guy who pulled up just earlier and is laying on the doorbell (silly Europeans and their joy buzzer sounding doorbells with their little black buttons) gets met at the door by one of the girls’ father. He opens the door, gets ready to lay into the strange guy for interrupting a great dream about fromage, or whatever the hell it is people in Europe dream about, instead gets stabbed. Awesome! Not since the classic FRIDAY THE 13TH movies (the ones before parts 6 and excluding all the others including the current incarnation of pop-culture friendly Jason) has a crazed psychopath ever looked so menacing, dangerous or exciting to watch.

The trailer continues very subtly and holds a good grip on the level of fear it evokes as the killer moves from the front door slowly, as all good killers do, and moves up the stairs to the bedroom. I am already jumping out of my own head as we get a shot of a woman, I’m not sure who as we’re only shown her eyes behind the slats of a closet door that quickly becomes blood spattered closet doors, who is tied up and gagged while the maniac looks for fresh kills inside the house. There is particularly effective moment, and one that makes me want to see this movie without seeing anything more, where the killer opens a bedroom door; those Europeans and their hard doorknobs make for great squeaky noises that just amp up the excitability level. He walks across the floor, again he’s crazy so he has to walk slowly, as one of the girl’s is under the bed with her hands pressed hard against her mouth as she quivers in pure fright. The killer pulls back the mattress and it’s off to another clip.

By the end of this thing I am pretty sure that one of the girls becomes crazed herself as she fights back but not before she is shown running away, driving away with blood splashed everywhere and her mouth ajar in abject horror. This is an achievement begging to be seen.

Director: Wes Anderson
Cast:Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Cate Blanchett, Anjelica Huston, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Michael Gambon
Release: December 10, 2004 (limited)
Synopsis: THE LIFE AQUATIC follows the relationship of a famous oceanographer (Murray) and his estranged son (Wilson), while they and the father’s motley crew embark on a series of wild adventures.

Prognosis: Positive. Bill Murray stands on his boat, looking dashingly equipped to take on the ocean in his aqua colored wetsuit. As Cate Blanchett interviews him with what looks like a reel-to-reel slapped on her hip Murray one-ups Cousteau’s walkie-talkie integration into the helmets of his divers by showing off the much more useful, and sheik, rabbit ears that pipes music into the helmets. The extended pop interlude as Murray shakes a little bit of his groove thing is amusing if not hypnotically enthralling.

Willem Dafoe narrates the trailer as he introduces us to the Belafonte, the ship that carries Murray’s crew on their oceanic adventures. As Dafoe talks we get extended clips of the people Murray surrounds himself with and, per Anderson’s vision, they each have their own unique quirks that make them all individuals. Not only is the crew unconventional but their exploits as scientists take a back seat to their adventuresome attitudes and their loyalty to Steve Zissou is readily apparent.

What is also interesting to note is the use of CGI in this trailer. The odd and unique creatures that Murray seems credited for capturing are on full display in this trailer with the squid-like cephalopod and a delicately colored gecko-like reptile scurry about. The CGI is entirely germane for a man who was always on the hunt for one-of-a-kind organisms and it sets up wonderfully for what happens next.

“But there remains one form of life about which captain Zissou knows very little.”

There is a shot, a third of the way into the trailer, where we are in a large opera hall. We see Owen Wilson off in the distance but the camera rushes in a way that seems to be an Anderson watermark. Wilson, who looks like he’s back into familiar territory with this role, is Murray’s estranged son who has finally made the choice to spend some time with his father. Before things veer too far into sentimentalist bullcrap Wes’ name appears as the man behind the lens, we get some bitchin’ music, and immediately we get Murray asking his son to be a part of Team Zissou. From here, the ride through this trailer is like coasting down a hill with the pedals revolving at an all too fast a revolution as your legs are spread, outstretched. It’s just enjoyable.

“…In ten days I am going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it.”

The idea is preposterous. How can they find one damn shark in the ocean that may or may not be the one responsible for the consumption of one man? It’s ludicrous and I completely agree with the reporter at the press conference that Murray has to explain his latest adventure. The interviewer asks, “What would be the scientific purpose of killing it?” Murray quickly and astutely gives the answer that seems most natural, almost reeling that the man doesn’t see that it’s so simple: “Revenge.”

The team jaunts off to find its prey as this trailer just tosses you in every which direction. We get a laugh from Dafoe when he gets butt-hurt that Murray doesn’t pick him to be on a team that is to split up, like a ragtag crew of commandos, as they hunt down their elusive shark. In addition to the giggles and wonderment of Anderson’s vision we also get a nice big explosion, some great cinematography and a moment between Wilson and Murray that really drives the point home of how a father and son can reconnect, even if its Murray’s fist, after a long absence apart.

The last quarter of this trailer deserves some love as well for its use of music to create a specific mood and how the large lettered introductions for each of the principal actors is simply appropriate in a way that would be obnoxious in any other setting. We even get a small exchange of words between Murray and Wilson that scores some points for creating some sense of comedic interplay between these two men, but, as you can find out for yourself, you can be the judge of whether you think it’s played for a quick and easy laugh.

The trailer isn’t so much frenetic as it is multi-layered and dense. If it was anyone else who did this I am sure I would feel just as enthusiastic as I do now. This looks like another Anderson movie in the vein of his usual style but I know some deride his use of specificity in his films as if its visual herpes that needs to be inoculated against. Some point to his extreme attention to detail and make snide comments about his abilities as a filmmaker. To those I say a pox on your loins, good sirs! You know you’ve got to be one lazy asshole if someone wants to pick on a guy who just happens to not overlook anything and literally creates an entire whole world that is enveloped by his dialogue and point of view.

If I have any feelings of apprehension about this film it has to be the CGI animals. They look a little strange, true, but, like I said, if this movie is about how he was the only man to capture these creatures then it’s necessary to the film. Since this movie doesn’t come out for another four months or so I’d say this is a more than adequate, generous trailer that captures a very unique voice.