Director:James L. Brooks
Cast: Cecilia Suárez, Allen Covert, Anne Bancroft, Téa Leoni, Adam Sandler, Paz Vega
Release: December 17, 2004.
Synopsis: Flor (Paz Vega) emigrates to Los Angeles from Mexico in hopes of finding a better life for she and her daughter, Cristina (Victoria Luna). Hired by John and Deborah Clasky (Adam Sandler and Tea Leoni) to help out in their home, Flor contends with the language barrier, Cristina’s budding femininity, and the eccentric Clasky way of life.

Prognosis: Almost Positive. This is a long trailer.

Clocking in at over three minutes, even if you’re a die-hard Sandler fan, this almost qualifies as a sneak peak.

What you have going on here in this trailer is that it suffers slightly from multiple personality disorder. It wants, I believe, to be a straight rom-com but then there are some serious elements that don’t feel funny enough and it almost veers into drama territory, almost going head on into chick flick territory.

Téa Leoni, looking like an actress selected from the over-emotional section of the Stock Character supermarket, begins this trailer with a lovely, and heated, chat with Cloris Leachman, a woman who never really captured the joie de vie the same way Ms. Garrett did on Facts of Life. This conversation turns into a mother/daughter bitch session that feels lifted from a bad TV show. After we leave these two, quickly, James L. Brooks’ name is carted out and mentioned as the man who directs this jive turkey; it even drops his Academy Award for back-up if you’re not already impressed he has an L in the middle of his name, and it even gives two more of his films just to be sure. Sandler fans, you must realize, are not the swiftest amoebas in the bunch. Now, after this, we get our hero: Sandler.

Say what you want about this goofy dope, the man makes more money than many of us in this room, but I genuinely like it when he’s not being, well, his cranked-up fraternity persona. I didn’t like BILLY MADISON. I didn’t care for LITTLE NICKY. However, I do appreciate the man’s stab at honest film, if you can call it that, in PUNCH DRUNK LOVE and BIG DADDY. The former I believe sank like a stone in its 3rd act and the latter I appreciated all the way through. Here, in this trailer, though, there is a good blend. From the initial impression you get with the way he deals with his kids to his neurotic self-speak as he weighs the pros and cons of what critical stars will mean to him, there is something likeable about this guy.

Téa Leoni comes back into the mix, carrying her own neuroticisms for the world to see like medals pinned on a 4-star general, and it’s severely distracting. There is an odd sub-plot of her dealing with whatever crap is affecting her ability to be a parent as she somehow comes to terms with her own mother who seems to enjoy the antagonistic relationship they have. And then, to just “mix things up” we get a woman who doesn’t speak any English but looks like the kind of woman dudes everywhere start penning the words “I didn’t think it could happen to me….” as soon she enters the room. She seems to be the assistant who is going to help around the house and, eventually, transcend language to teach us all the meaning of true love. It’s downright preciously clichéd, but we’ll deal with it for now.

At that point in the trailer things get weird.

The next scene has Téa giving her girl a coat that doesn’t fit. The daughter starts to cry when Téa mentions that it’ll fit better when she loses a few pounds. Sandler sounds like he’s talking through a snot induced blubber session as he’s comforts his little brood. Now, cut to the wacky maid who doesn’t know how to work an electric seat in an automobile as her chair starts to move forward and her eyes get wide in concern. Huh? Is this PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES or is this a drama?

The rest of the trailer then shifts to emotional mode as the maid is being told, by Sandler, the ABC’s of parenting whilst Téa is in a full-blown Meg Ryan cry-a-thon with the blubbery eyes to prove it as her mother sits at her side not seeming to give a care that her daughter is having a meltdown of Chernobyl proportions.

Oh yeah, the maid painstakingly fixes the problem with Sandler’s daughter’s coat: she uses a sewing machine to let it out. The maid is a hero! It simply devolves from here in one long music video as our players randomly bounce off one another. I’m almost annoyed by the end, feeling confused as to what the hell is happening here, but I am sure before the movie comes out the PR machine will decide on a direction and it’ll get marketed that way without looking back.

Director: Peter Chelsom
Cast: Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, Susan Sarandon, Stanley Tucci, Nick Cannon, Richard Jenkins, Mya, Deborah Yates
Release: October 15, 2004
Synopsis: An accountant grows increasingly bored with his life and spying a beautiful dance teacher, decides to take some lessons to spice up his life. As the lessons progress, he finds himself falling further and further in love with the joy of dancing.

Prognosis: Negative. One of the questions I get asked most infrequently is: “Chris, what about my parents? It’s been a while with all the tent poles in the Cineplex this summer that it has looked like Barnum and Bailey for the past three months. What can I recommend to ma and pa?”

Well, there will be lots to choose from in a good month or so but, thankfully, this is one you can save your parents, especially your dad, from having to sit through.

I can only imagine the pitch for this film had something to do with the fact that since Gere was so lauded for his dancing in CHICAGO, and rightfully so, there had to be some vehicle out there that would let him showcase it even more. Plot be dammed!

It’s nearly painful to explain what’s going on in this movie but I’ll quickly say that if you have seen FOOTLOOSE when Chris Penn did his dancing bit for Kevin Bacon, a moment in cinematic history most guys just close their eyes tightly while watching, you come close to getting the gist of the story. Gere is wasting his life, slowly, as a family guy with no life. He seems frustrated with himself, his job and his lot in life. So sad is our handsome hero that he decides to take up ballroom dance lessons with Jennifer Lopez to help mitigate his funk. He signs up and, as a ploy to get young men everywhere exploding through their Levi’s, there is some lesbian innuendo in this trailer as Lopez describes, slowly, the intricacies of having and being a good dance partner. Then, pretty much, the trailer just grabs any mediocre joke it can find lying around to make people think they need to see this film. Almost like monkeys flinging poo, but not nearly as funny, this trailer is just aching to hit something.

Gere, during his life affirming dance transformation, starts to practice his dance steps at work while seated at his desk, he steps on Lopez’s toes just to show far he needs to go by the end to be the perfect dancer, a Tina Turner private dancer for his wife, and there are even some obnoxious professional dancers that some ladies will get a hoot or two out of seeing because they are so darn silly; yeah, I know, this is real good stuff to get ‘em clamoring to get through the front door. There is the requisite moment when Gere tells his old lady that he’s really been dancing when he said he’s been doing X or Y and he really didn’t want to tell her because she just “wouldn’t understand” and won’t she please let him dance for her to show how much love they really, really have?

As a topper, the voiceover says this is movie is a “story about the dreams we follow.” I’ll give you a little dime store Dr. Phil advice: If you’re living a sad life out there and secretly want to go ballroom dancing and really want to take some lessons, take the frigging lessons and get yourself a better dream than that. Really. I’m not saying I understand what makes someone hide their desire to get on a dance floor and two-step but I can tell you with an ounce of certitude that everyone here can come up with something a lot more fulfilling than dance.

Tell your parents they can save their money and go see TEAM AMERICA that same weekend. They’ll definitely won’t like that either but it’s a far better fate than this flick.

Director: David O. Russell
Cast: Dustin Hoffman, Isabelle Huppert, Jude Law, Jason Schwartzman, Lily Tomlin, Mark Wahlberg, Naomi Watts
Release: October 1, 2004
Synopsis: Albert Markovski (Jason Schwartzman), head of the Open Spaces Coalition, has been experiencing an alarming series of coincidences the meaning of which escapes him. With the help of two Existential Detectives, Bernard and Vivian Jaffe (Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin), Albert examines his life, his relationships, and his conflict with Brad Stand (Jude Law), an executive climbing the corporate ladder at Huckabees, a popular chain of retail superstores. When Brad also hires the detectives, they dig deep into his seemingly perfect life and his relationship with his spokesmodel girlfriend, the voice of Huckabees, Dawn Campbell (Naomi Watts). Albert pairs up with rebel firefighter Tommy Corn (Mark Wahlberg) to take matters into their own hands under the guidance of the Jaffes’ nemesis, the French radical Caterine Vauban (Isabelle Huppert).

Prognosis: Positive. The last time I looked at this movie the teaser had no footage and was nothing more than Naomi Watts cavorting around in a flashy Uncle Sam dance number that would’ve made any American proud.

Now, in this trailer, we get some idea what this movie is all about.

At the outset we have Lily Tomlin asking Jason Schwartzman if he’s ever transcended space and time. Such a heady thing to be asking so early on in a trailer that should be about grabbing instead of being philosophically challenging but Jason wryly answers that he’s transcended time, but not space. He then cops to not knowing what the hell she’s talking about. You won’t be able to make out what’s happening either as we cut to Marky “C’mon C’mon” Mark himself getting slammed in the head with a large rubber ball by Schwartzman.

This is not your average film. In fact, this film seems to be a movie about existential detectives. Being able to spy on people through mental projection seems like an odd notion to try an accept when not couched in a land of superhero films but before you can question any of this Jude Law is nearly wiping the floor with Schwartzman while our friend Marky is screaming at someone in a boardroom to shut up. Marky does it over and Over. Really loud, too.

Dustin Hoffman even pops up wearing a hair helmet the Beatles would’ve been sporting had they existed this long as he tells our friend Marky about how everything in the universe is connected. There is no context, nothing to compare it to in the film. I almost want to say things in this trailer “just are” but then I would be guilty of the wonderfully resonant non sequiturs that are tossed like cherry bombs in this trailer.

Naomi Watts pops up, lover of all things Jude Law, telling us of her eight minutes of sexual heaven that she shares with Jude on a consistent basis. As if to defend the short span of time she immediately feels somehow denigrates her husband’s virility she’s absolutely endearing as she spouts, “It’s not quality, it’s quantity.” I can get behind that notion.

Marky has a wonderful comeback as someone mentions at a table he’s sitting at that Jesus is never mad with us if we live with him in our hearts: “I hate to break it to you but he is. He most definitely is.”

In the remaining cut scenes we get Marky, in full fireman regalia, saving a smoky Naomi from a certain crispy doom, Marky for some reason shoves Law to the floor, Naomi stars in another “commercial” for Huckabee’s in a very skimpy turquoise number, some people are dancing and there’s even Polaroid’s being popped off like fireworks. Man, is this an odd looking film and I am glad that, come the first of October, we’ll see what the man who brought us THREE KINGS and FLIRTING WITH DISATER has crafted this time.

Director: Omar Naïm
Cast: Robin Williams, Mira Sorvino, Jim Caviezel, Mimi Kuzyk, Stephanie Romanov, Thom Bishops
Release: September 3, 2004 (limited)
Synopsis: A Zoë Chip is chip placed in your brain at birth to record your entire life. When you die, the footage from your life is edited into a “Rememory”– a film shown at your funeral pieced together by an editor. A toy for the privileged, Zoë Chips are changing the face of human interaction, but there are those who are against this emerging technology, and believe that memories are meant to fade.

View Trailer:
* Medium (Windows Media)

Prognosis: Positive. Robin Williams talks about implants.

Obviously, no, he’s not talking about the kind of implants you’re envisioning in your head right now but this is a microchip of sorts that, when imbedded, gives immortality to an individual simply by being able to preserve everything that you see and hear. These experiences can then be enjoyed by future generations for eons to come by transferring the stored information and pared down to make a “life movie” of sorts.

Robin sits at an editing console and watches these very same lives unfold before him. He seems to have liked the product so much he bought the company and is the man in charge of the operation. Mira Sorvino, who really needs to be in front of the camera more often than she’s been, asks Robin what it’s like to see these lives being lived. Good question and it’s enough to garner a little more curiosity.

There’s an annoying H.A.L.-like computer that tells not only Robin, but the audience as well, what footage he’s about to look at, but it really just sounds like a woman doing her best to sound like a computer for the purposes of this movie. One of the “lives” Robin watches, cuts, and molds into a video product for a family to keep hides a secret. As throaty voiceover guy says, it’s a secret, “worth killing for.” Really, now?

Jesus himself, Jim Caviezel, is very un-holy as it appears he wants Robin to find the answer to the question worth killing for as he displays a little aggression. There is a lot of ambiguousness involved in trying to understand what Jim wants out of Robin, why Robin does what he does for the people left behind as he essentially “edits” their lives, and exactly what is that secret worth killing for.

At the end of this thing there is an off-screen conversation with Robin and a little girl. She says, “Are you going to fix what my daddy can remember?” Robin replies, “He’ll forget. We’ll make sure you don’t.” I swear on all that’s holy that I feel like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in AIRPLANE saying “Huh?” over and over again trying to pick apart what Confucius here is talking about and what seems to be a cosmically cryptic riddle surrounding everything else.

While slightly obfuscating, which is better, believe it or not, than revealing everything, this film has some solid promise of being an entertaining piece of sci-fi. Omar Naim not only wrote but directed this movie; as a first time director of something this big, however, it will be interesting to see if there is promise of a burgeoning career.

Director: Matthew Vaughn
Cast: Daniel Craig, Kenneth Cranham, Dexter Fletcher, Jamie Foreman, Michael Gambon, Burn Gorman, Tom Hardy, Tamer Hassan, Sally Hawkins, Darren Healy, Nathalie Lunghi, Colm Meaney, Sienna Miller, James O’Donnell, Peter Rnic, Garry Tubbs
Release: October 1, 2004 (UK)
Synopsis: Based upon JJ Connelly’s London crime novel, “LAYER CAKE” is about a successful cocaine dealer (DANIEL CRAIG) who has earned a respected place among England’s Mafia elite and plans an early retirement from the business. However, big boss Jimmy Price hands down a tough assignment: find Charlotte Ryder, the missing rich princess daughter of Jimmy’s old pal Edward, a powerful construction business player and gossip papers socialite. Complicating matters are two million pounds’ worth of Grade A ecstasy, a brutal neo-Nazi sect and a whole series of double crossings. The title “LAYER CAKE” refers to the layers or levels the dealer has to go through as he painstakingly plots his own escape. What is revealed is a modern underworld where the rules have changed. There are no ‘codes’, or ‘families’ and respect lasts as long as a line. Not knowing who he can trust, he has to use all his ‘savvy’, ‘telling’ and skills which make him one of the best, to escape his own. The ultimate last job, a love interest called Tammy and an international drugs ring, threaten to draw him back into the ‘cake mix’. But, time is running out and the penalty will endure a lifetime.

Prognosis: Positive. Now this is what a trailer for a crime flick should look like.

Whilst I believe this is one of the best trailers I have seen come out in the past week, the trailer got me hungry for something sweet; this feeling, however, was most likely instigated by Sienna Miller but more on that in a moment.

What we have, initially, is a dude (some of you Brits in the audience can help me if the man in question is a low-grade celebrity of some kind) who apes the affections of someone giving a cooking demonstration. His real name is Marco Pierre-White and I have no clue what the hell he’s there for nor do I know if he’s playing himself, but damn if he isn’t funny as a straight talking chap who mixes some banal tonality with images that are superb representatives of the formula this movie follows. The tam-tam music that leads into the pastel cooking segment is a nice touch.

“First, you need a good egg.” Daniel Craig with his dusty blonde hair and apparent muscular masculinity is quickly introduced as our hero. I haven’t ever seen him in anything substantial here in the States that I am aware of but it’s good to see a fresh face.

“Toss in a handful of villains.” This is where we get to see our hero’s antagonists. Colm Meaney makes his tougher than leather presence known in this film as well and he is situated clearly on the other side of the law. This is Colm’s second inclusion into this column as his other movie, INTERMISSION, was a comedic crime film that played earlier this year to really good reviews so it’s nice to have someone of his stature, even if many in America wouldn’t be able to pick him out from a crowd of Ooompa Loompas. The man simply can go either way with his roles as a good/bad guy.

“And one large portion….”

Before I can register what our man Friday is saying we get our first glimpse of Sienna Miller. What is just a simple look at her shaking her groove thang on a dance floor turns into a comment from our narrator who says we should add a double portion of the lovely lady and boy do we ever get a heaping spoonful. We get some thigh, a perverted gander at her bra, garter, and a lingering look at her chest as she squeezes her lovelies for all the world to see. It’s sheer wonderment and should be the one good reason why you check out this trailer.

“And top it off with a liberal sprinkling of mindless freedom of expression.”

Here’s where the other money shots go on display. We get to see some fighting, some drugs, representative samples of the cinematography, large stacks of cash, Colm slamming the head of some poor young fellow into a cadaver, some chick smoking crack, cops with powerful guns, Sienna walking aimlessly around in her unmentionables, some dude and chick going at it (insert your own Beavis exclamation of disbelief), and some lines of coke being snorted with it all being played against a techno beat.

“Stir aggressively.”

The violence is just upped from our previous set of clips with a lot of visual images of people getting their asses handed to them with the blood to match and it is all a lot more than any self-censoring theater chain would ever allow to be shown before CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN.

Simply put, this is an actioneer from across the pond that just doesn’t get made that frequently anymore in today’s Hollywood system. No matter, though, as the Brits seemed to have put one together that samples from men’s most favorite things (drugs, chicks, dumb violence and a little promise of nudity) and put it all into a package that doesn’t even come close to feeling like it was pieced together by a B-movie squad. I didn’t think proper Englishmen had it in them to be so violent but this movie is definitely on the must see list when and if it ever descends on America’s cinematic shores.

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