Director:Beeban Kidron
Cast:Renée Zellweger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Jacinda Barrett, Jim Broadbent
Release: November 19, 2004
Synopsis:The story picks up four weeks after the first film, and already Bridget Jones is becoming uncomfortable in her relationship with Mark Darcy. Apart from discovering that he’s a conservative voter, she has to deal with a new boss, strange contractor, and the worst vacation of her life.

Prognosis: Negative. Hmm…smash my head repeatedly with a ball-pean hammer or see the new BRIDGET JONES movie?

Yes friends, and by friends I mean any person who has a significant other who doesn’t pay attention to movies 364 other days of the year yet finds the energy to get excited over this film, the chubby blonde is back in full effect.

Ok, likeability confession. I will do this like tearing off a band-aid that rests comfortably across my gooch: IlikedthefirstoneandevenowntheDVDofit. I was a fan of the cream puffery of it all, and appreciated the light humor that Colin and Hugh brought to the film. I liked that Renee put on a few pounds and still looked great which just helped to being some authenticity to the story. It was amusing enough for me to let it through the doors of my home. This sequel, however, doesn’t yet look like a guilty pleasure I can yet get secretly excited over seeing. What we do have here, though, seems more like a press kit showcasing Zellweger. It’s not a completely destructive thing, mind you, but there does seem like there’s unduly attention given to just her.

“70 shags…6 glorious weeks.”

The short trailer starts off with “Lovin’ You” with some active silhouettes of a few blurred out naked people, but it’s tastefully done in a Vaseline on the camera lens sort of way, as Renee gives a ring hello to her man. The odd thing about this moment is that Colin just flippantly asks if everything is all right with his lady, opening the door for most anything, who then proceeds to tell him that she’s just getting over a “rather graphic shag flashback” fantasy she was having moments earlier but, before she stops there, also mentions he has a great bum.

“Right,” Colin dryly says, “I’m just with the Mexican ambassador right at the moment along with the head for Amnesty International…and you’re on speakerphone.”

Whoa! This is the moment in the trailer your lady or guy friend (hey, we all have our proclivities) starts laughing as you secretly hope they choke on their buttered kernels of mediocrity. I don’t know about you but I know when I’m on speakerphone, I know it. I guess, however, this is what counts as par on this course.

From the initial setup gag we get a sign on the screen that says “SHE’S BACK” but then it goes to a headshot of Renee looking right at the camera and it lingers too long for me; it’s like one of those paintings that has eyes that follow you anywhere in the room. It just needs to go away.

“Ever thought about doing it in the dark with a complete stranger?”

Hugh Grant. He has charisma, no doubt, and is one of the best reasons to see a movie like this. Save for his comments about the “giant panties,” a recognition of the first film that most people who want to see the sequel will squeal in delight that they actually remember what he’s referring to, it’s just good to see someone else in the trailer.

I’m sorry, not really but it makes me sound sensitive, but I was thankful for the cessation of this trailer if to only stop seeing Renee’s smiling, preening face. I am hopeful they fashion something realistic for Bridget, but I do know, in all likelihood, one of the players will be running through the streets of London to the sound of an up-tempo Motown song as they try to convince the other they made a huge mistake and won’t they be with them for the rest of their life. It’s here where the general public all smile and clap but that’s the exact nexus point where I wish an IRA extremist group sets off a bomb near them, sending shrapnel everywhere. I’m holding out hope, though.

Director:Ryan Little
Cast:Corbin Allred, Larry Bagby, Kirby Heyborne, Peter Asle Holden, Alexander Polinsky
Release:August 6, 2004
Synopsis:Five American soldiers fighting in Europe during World War II are separted from U.S. forces during the historic Malmedy Massacre. Most of their fellow soldiers are slaughtered by German forces, leaving them stranded and without support behind enemy lines.

Prognosis: Positive. I haven’t seen one episode of Band of Brothers.

Maybe I was busy for those 10 weeks, maybe it was because I didn’t have TiVo at the time to keep up with the serial nature of the series, but I know it was supposed to be this grandiose homage to some of the men who fought in WWII. But, then again, I did digest SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, ENEMY AT THE GATES, SCHINDLERS LIST, U-571, DAS BOOT, multiple Looney Tunes where Bugs goes up against that Japanese fellow and the list goes on and on with films and shows that use World War II as a backdrop. There obviously is a market for movie after movie that showcase this specific time period in global history and I guess wars have a way of doing that. SAINTS AND SOLDIERS is about as indie as you can get for a film in a genre like the war picture and it looks appealing for numerous reasons.

What you notice right away as the trailer unfolds is a radio voice that speaks over the action on the screen. It’s snowy, looks cold, and we get a German soldier trudging through it all with his trusty machine gun (one I can honestly say was integral in my defeat of many a Nazi platoon in my tour of duty in playing Medal of Honor on Playstation 2) as the voice tells us that American soldiers were captured, and promptly shot, by their German captors. We see a battlefield with dead American bodies everywhere. There’s a slight bit of chaos as a different cadre of men, truly behind enemy lines, the throaty action movie voice over guy taking over tension control for the rest of the trailer, try to find their way to safety. Now, here’s where things get a little murky.

We’re shown some great forest-in-the-winter shots of crap blowing up, sending up dark pieces of soil everywhere (it somehow makes for great cinematography every time), and then we get the back of some dude’s head who’s explaining that he has information that needs to get back to HQ before it’s too late. Before you scream out “I know how it’s gonna end!” the execution of this trailer shows some truly engaging action scenes that also incorporates some good reasons why this movie should be sought out and not dismissed as yet another chapter in the pantheon of these kinds of films.

After the setup, and right before the minute mark of this roughly two and a half minute trailer, the story is in motion and it then all becomes about the action. There’s an RPG that’s launched, a grenade (always a trusty WWII weapon stand-by) that’s tossed, but then things get creative. A guy stands against a blue sky as a plane slices the screen ever so slightly, some feet creep very gently over a darkened floor, we get one of the soldiers crying like a little girl, a damaged doll lay on the ground in serious disrepair, a German has one of the soldiers dead-to-rights but doesn’t shoot because one is a medic, and then there’s the ubiquitous scroll of how many awards this thing has won.

Throaty action voice over guy steps back in to tell us there’s a time for courage and a time for greatness and that there is a time for heroes. The sounds of the soft trumpet in the background is, quite literally, pitch perfect. The best part of this film, and this is fact, you can check my calculator, is that since there is not really anyone in this movie of any great celebrity each one is a possible target that could be picked off at any time.

Director: Michael Winterbottom
Cast: Maria Bello, Thora Birch, Chris Cooper, Alma Delfina, Richard Dreyfuss, Miguel Ferrer, Daryl Hannah, Danny Huston, Kris Kristofferson, Tim Roth, Ralph Waite, Billy Zane
Release:September
Synopsis:The latest John Sayles film follows Dickie Pilager (Chris Cooper) the grammatically-challenged, “user-friendly” candidate during his Colorado campaign to win office. Set against the backdrop of a mythic “New West,” SILVER CITY is a film that is equal parts scathing political lampoon and sun-stunned neo-noir detective story. When Pilager finds that he’s reeled in a corpse during the taping of an environmental political ad, his ferocious campaign manager, Chuck Raven (Richard Dreyfuss), hires former idealistic journalist turned rumpled private detective Danny O’Brien (Danny Huston) to investigate potential links between the corpse and the Pilager family’s enemies. In the tradition of the great films noir, Danny’s investigation pulls him deeper and deeper into a complex web of influence and corruption, involving high stakes lobbyists, media conglomerates, environmental plunderers, and undocumented migrant workers.

Prognosis: Semi-Positive. I’m having a hard time with this one.

I’m usually not stumped but this one has come quite close. I don’t know why, as the plot is so easy to understand: An election year governor hopeful reels in a corpse during the taping of an environmental ad. His campaign manager hires a detective to investigate potential links between the corpse and his political enemies and the results of the investigation ultimately reveal a complex web of high-powered influence and corruption.

It’s not so easy to digest, or maybe too easy to digest if I can say that, that I think is the problem with this trailer.

When you have, in a plot synopsis, that the gubernatorial man in question is a “grammatically-challenged, ‘user-friendly’ candidate” and an opening for the trailer that has Chris Cooper (always a solid addition to any cast of any film) starring as a nameless politico, sounding much like the current American president (it’s hilarious to watch Cooper just run with the moment), things start to blur between art and real life. We see in the trailer that Cooper is about as lost inside his own mind as his handler, played by Richard Dreyfus, is ruthlessly conniving to simply guide his client in the direction he wants. We have, on the other side of the group who wants Cooper to win, a few people (spearheaded by Tim Roth and Thora Birch, one’s a great acting talent and the other has, um, two great acting talents. Wink wink, nudge nudge.) who are looking to investigate Cooper and find out if his armor has any chinks.

The setup for the dead body, which unleashes a moment of vitriolic anger from Cooper’s mouth, is put into motion as we also get the appearance of Danny Huston (who starred in a pivotal role as Barman #2 in LEAVING LAS VEGAS) who is the ringleader looking into Silver City, a development that needs some looking into that feels awfully close to the Whitewater scandal. Huston seems to be the Bob Woodward of the film as he is trying to tie the many names together he has on a dry erase board, which has important looking arrows that obviously crisscross to show his sharp, akita-like detective skills. Greed (“It’s like a treasure chest waiting to be opened), Corruption (“There’s no reason you couldn’t raise the river and lower the bridge at the same time”), Deception (“There’s a lot more to this than some illegal alien floating in the lake”), are all shown as words on the screen before going to the sound bites of one of the players looking very astute and intelligent give their lines with muted seriousness.

The fact of the matter is, as I finished this trailer is: Do I want to pay money for a satire that I already see unfolding on the evening news? Is this a preaching to the choir kind of film? If it is art then what is it saying about politics in America today that, again, the average person doesn’t already know? I am a little turned around about the aim of this film and I would be interested to hear from anyone about the implications for a movie like this. BULLWORTH was crap, WAG THE DOG was a little less obfuscating, but is there really any good political satires in the open market that don’t require a Ritalin drip to get through with their will to live in tact? Maybe this could be the one.

And yes, another reason to be interested in this film: Billy Zane. I do believe there is nothing else that needs to be said on that issue.

Director: Alexander Witt
Cast: Milla Jovovich, Eric Mabius, Sienna Guillory, Oded Fehr, Thomas Kretschmann, Jared Harris, Mike Epps
Release: September 10, 2004
Synopsis: The sequel to the $100 million hit Resident Evil: Apocalypse is again based on the wildly popular video game series and picks up where the first film ended. Alice (Jovovich) returns to Raccoon City and joins forces with Jill Valentine (Guillory) and Carlos Oliviera (Fehr) to eliminate the deadly virus that threatens to make every human being undead… and to seek justice. Since being captured by the Umbrella Corporation, Alice has been subjected to biogenic experimentation and has become genetically altered, with superhuman strengths, senses and dexterity. These skills, and more, will be needed if anyone is to remain alive.

Prognosis: Negative, but in a good way. To any young man, aged 11 to 18: see this film. It’s the kind of picture you and your buddies would want to check out anyway and I’m sure as hell MARIA FULL OF GRACE isn’t on your cinematic To-Do list.

To the rest of you, however, this may come as no surprise: the movie looks like it will be a minor genre success and it will no doubt make huge money in the ancillary DVD market. You will be deluged in ads, six months after the film’s release, to buy the DVD director’s cut, possibly a double platter worth of shite, and it’s most likely, somehow, going to end up in your collection. Why? Best as I can tell there was a vacuum that was created so long ago when I COME IN PEACE came and went. The world needed a B-movie star, a new Dolph Lundgren, and it’s Milla Jovovich. Sure, Milla has the kind of acting talent that could be best used as silent wife #1, caressing her husband’s thigh, in a Viagra ad on TV but there seems to be a volatile mix of lackadaisical directing (everything is so clear, crisp and unwrinkled that I believe I’m looking at a movie set. Imagine that.), bad dialogue, but has some worthy effects that seem to make it a disappointment more than anything else; a far worse fate for a film than it being wholly terrible.

I will give kudos, though, where it’s due and I stand by my previous assertions on the teaser trailer that ran a few months ago which simply was a fake ad that pretended to be a real. It was simple, direct, slightly unnerving, and was great in every regard. This version, though, shows a little too much. We get Milla acting like she’s some badass, which is fine, but when you start to throw down your one-liners in the trailer and they smell as bad as Jack Black’s jock after a grueling workout on the Stairmaster 7000? Things don’t look so good.

The opening, without a doubt, pulled me in and I eagerly anticipated seeing some footage that would pull me in further into this fictitious realm, at the very least. Alexander Witt didn’t disappoint with a quick shot of a girl, floating in light blue water brine, her hair just floating delicately around her face and then, watch-out, the eyes flicker open. Then, after a semi-presidential motorcade winds its way through the very same neighborhood streets that I believe were used as an understudy for those used in DAWN OF THE DEAD, we get a man in a wheelchair. He mumbles something incoherent or unrelated, I’m still not sure, but I do know we get a cool nuclear blast wave that goes off in the middle of the city. I have to admit, just like a good flaming arrow, I appreciate a good blast wave going off. It somehow creates the notion of mass destruction on a sinister scale and I can come aboard that kind of vision and stand behind it.

We then get some chaos of the general public variety, some screaming, yelling, and then, like a gift from above, we see that the guy from the MUMMY movies that had the thing on his face is in this film and I am back into it. Ooo…we get a shot of the zombie/monster things. At this point I am still grooving on the trailer, but then, like a bad acid flashback of the album cover for Meatloaf’s “Bat out of Hell” we get Milla riding her motorbike through a stained glass window with nary a speckle or shard of the colored stuff on her person. By the way: where do these people get the ramps that launch them so high into things like windows and second story offices?

Then, we get the monster of the film carrying a frickin’ bazooka like it’s Arnold frickin’ Schwarzenegger, launching a load for fun into the air. What the hell is this all about? Monsters that care about modern warfare and weaponry? I thought they just are supposed to grunt and eat the living flesh off people. Oh yeah, the zombies in this film that are really supposed to be citizens who were turned into zombies? Take one look and try to convince me the budget for zombie effects just didn’t consist of people dipping their faces into ashtrays. Now, suffice to say, I really did like the generic hardcore rock and roll music in the background as crap is either blown up or shot up. Again, I’m just being honest and giving things a fair shot. Milla seems to be wielding these weapons with great precision but I cannot, in good faith, recommend this trailer as holding any promise whatsoever of being a fully enjoyable zombie/actioneer. Maybe if she got it in her head to go down the route of silent action star, not that THE FIFTH ELEMENT wasn’t the most bizarre visual puke ever to be put to celluloid, she might fare a little better on my list of B-list stars. If she were to tap into the same thing that made her good in DAZED AND CONFUSED? I could see a multi-picture deal with Van Damme, Steven Segal or Mark Dacascos for Blockbuster Video’s Youth Restricted Viewing line.

Director:John Waters
Cast:Tracey Ullman, Chris Isaak, Johnny Knoxville, Selma Blair
Release: September 24, 2004
Synopsis: A DIRTY SHAME stars Tracey Ullman as a blue-collar convenience store owner who suffers a concussion and experiences carnal lust she cannot control.

Prognosis: Way Positive. I think one of my favorite Kids in the Hall sketches has to be the one about the Sex Girl Patrol. It behooves me to explain further but, in a nutshell, it deals with three girls who incite “sexual horniness” in absolutely everything they come across. It was as hilarious in that regard as I am feeling the notion of someone whose libido is out of control is going to be here.

First of all, any trailer that tells me, in its own green, little way, that it’s rated NC-17 for pervasive sexual content I am all eyes and ears.

Here’s the play-by-play:

Gritty, voice over guy tells us “something’s wrong on Harvard Row.” It looks like an idyllic suburban community with lush grass, big trees and a real down home vibe. Chris Isaac is playing grab ass with Tracy Ullman who doesn’t seem in the mood for reciprocating. Out of nowhere, as is the case for most John Waters movies, we get some really old people making out as they stand on a sidewalk as Tracy looks on from her car. Disgusted, she is also witness to some gay innuendo that seems to stem from some new bear-ish members of her community as they unload a moving van in front of their home. However, it is Ray Ray, played by Johnny Knoxville that is fingered as the person responsible for “threatening the very limits of family tolerance.”

“Perverts are taking over this neighborhood,” “Let’s go sexin’,” are just some of the bon mots that are tossed around like water balloons before we get the gist that Tracy, who seems the most sexually repressed woman in town, becomes the town whore after a whack on the old melon.

We next get a look at Selma Blair and her abnormally rotund and girthy prosthetic breasts (they are wicked huge) which are dressed, most appropriately, to match the slutty look of her character. Tracy Ullman, though, looks fabulous. I don’t think I’ve laughed quite so hard this week as when she asks Chris Issac, coming on to him in their station wagon, thrusting her pelvis in his direction, if he feels, “like yodeling in a canyon.”

“My name is Ray Ray and I’m here to service you.”

Something I don’t see everyday, as if Selma wasn’t enough, is the full frontal shot of John Waters, who is introduced as the director of HAIRSPRAY and PINK FLAMINGOS, dressed nicely in his suit and donning his trademark pencil thin moustache. It’s a bold move that perfectly suits the film it’s schilling.

From that moment on there it’s just a bunch of crazy scenes slapped together in the most bizarre fashion. Not only do you get Johnny Knoxville flapping his tongue like he’s trying out for a position as understudy for Gene Simmons, you also get a shot of a guy licking a tire (sorry, Drew Barrymore made licking a steering wheel slightly hotter to me), and, for all the pervs in the audience, you get Selma Blair actively running with those cans strapped to her chest, plus, you get a shot of her in her underwear. It’s bizarre but, for John Waters, it is an absolute home run.

And, lest you think this trailer is finished, you get Tracy, one more time, and a roomful of senior citizens doing the hokey pokey. It would have been a fairly innocuous moment had there not been a liter of water tossed in her direction by a looker-on. Tracy catches it, promptly stands it upright in the middle of the floor, and gets situated to, well, envelope it; the resulting shot of horror on the face of grandma and the nearly empty bottle of water spinning on the ground as the trailer fades out was well worth the price of admission here.

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