Director: Richard Loncraine
Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Paul Bettany, Sam Neill, Jon Favreau
Release: September 24, 2004
Synopsis: Peter Colt (Bettany) is an unlucky guy, scoring “love” both professionally and personally. Seeded near the bottom of the world tennis ranks, he manages to score a wild card, allowing him to play in the prestigious Wimbledon tournament. There, he meets and falls in love with American tennis star Lizzie Bradbury (Dunst). Fueled by a mixture of his newfound luck, love and on-court prowess, Peter works his way up the ranks of the tournament players and actually stands a chance of fulfilling his lifelong dream of winning the men’s singles title—if his luck can just hold out.

Prognosis: Negative. Thank you to everyone who made this trailer possible. You’ve saved me two full price admissions.

After watching the trailer for WIMBELDON a few times, not believing what I was seeing, I consulted a few people to get a read on things and, sure enough, it’s true. I broke it down to what was in this trailer. In this thing we have Paul “Yeah, Even I Still Can’t Believe Jennifer Connelly Wants Some Of This” Bettany, looking very trim and not too off-putting with those eyes of his. Then there is Kirsten Dunst who, for my money, has a wonderful everywoman look about her, although, really, do even I believe she looks like someone who would be able to compete in one of these tournaments? There is suspension of disbelief and then there’s the reality of Anna Kournikova’s record as a professional tennis player. We also get Sam Neil and even Jon Favreau in this thing, two names that should immediately put confidence in me that this is a quality ensemble piece, not even mentioning this film is from the same folks who brought us BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY and NOTTING HILL.

And that’s when it hit me: yeah, the reason why I can’t endorse a trailer like this is because I saw the whole movie unfold right before my eyes, in sequential order no less. The people here didn’t even bother to mix crap up like a Rubik’s cube to throw me off the scent.

See, and I’ll do this as swiftly as possible from front to back, Paul Bettany is a tennis chap “who never rose to the top” and who had snide comments tossed at him for being a marginal professional player. He gets fed up, ostensibly, for being so average and holds a press conference to say he’s retiring. Not a lot of people are there and the press becomes more interested in the hip, happening, new hotness of some other player who just happens to crash Paul’s conference. We all are supposed to, I take it, feel sorry for the lad as he’s on his way out, and while he’s training to just give it one last shot, Kirsten Dunst comes in and flirts with the man. She and he hit it off as The Cars’ “Just What I Needed” (ironic as both Paul and Ric Ocasek, inexplicably, ended up with hot looking wives) plays in the background while a whole lot of smooching goes on. Sam Neil thinks Paul is a distraction (Oooh…the disapproving father; haven’t seen this clichéd character for a while), Paul somehow gets better and vastly more popular, Jon Favreau drops in on the scene, hopefully, to provide some gentle comedic relief, and then we’re told that this movie is from the same upstanding chaps who brought BRIDGET and NOTTING into our theaters.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, U2’s “Everlasting Love” plays in the background as Paul gives it all he’s got to make the big play or big smash or whatever the hell it takes for him to either: 1) win Wimbledon (against all the odds, of course) and keep Kirsten as his lady 2) drive her away, initially, but then lose Wimbledon on purpose because he just can’t live without her or 3) loses Wimbledon anyway and keeps Kirsten. Should Paul end up spurning some willing poon like Kirsten in this film, which I didn’t see any indication of, or if one of them has an undiagnosed brain tumor that pops right before the winning point is made, I would gladly pony up the cash to see this thing start-to-finish. For right now, though, I’ve seen the whole movie. Thank you, though, really, as this has now saved me from being dragged to this flick later this summer; if the danger of having to endure this film comes any closer to becoming a reality I plan on simply showing this trailer and satisfying everyone’s need to see all the amazing possibilities that could possibly happen in this flick.

Director: Peter Berg
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton
Release: October 15, 2004
Synopsis: Based on the best-selling book about high school football by H.G. Bissinger, Friday Night Lights chronicles the entire 1988 season of the Permian High Panthers of Odessa, Texas, with football players, coaches, mothers, fathers, pastors, boosters, fans and families struggling with ongoing personal conflicts while the team fights for a state championship.

View Trailer:
* Small (Quick Time, Windows Media)

Prognosis: 4th and long. The first thing I asked myself when watching this thing was, “how is this different from any other sports flick?”

I had just come off of seeing the trailer for WIMBELDON and was actually trying to envision sports movies that have had some resonance with not only me but of the larger movie going public at large. RUDY came to mind quickly, trailing with BRAIN’S SONG, and, hell, even MAJOR LEAGUE has secured a place in my own pantheon of go-to sports films because of the people, characters, who inhabit the outlining plot. Even the trailer, when you look at it, for ANY GIVEN SUNDAY showed a film that had that certain something that made people respond.

Want to know the secret to making a good sports film? You need to fill those around the periphery of the given sport with personal history, relevance, and give everyone a reason why someone should care about them; you are developing a sports team and you need to endear the players to those who will be their fan base. All the above films, with the exception of WIMBELDON, do that. Films like REMEMBER THE TITANS showcase cardboard clichés and derivative subplots with the players that feel forced and lifeless. I didn’t want to see any of them win any sort of game, to be completely honest. This line of reasoning is what, I feel, makes the trailer for this flick a mixed bag. Showing brief glimpses of high school footballers out of their pads is an excellent selling point but having Billy Bob coming off as the prototypical, eat nails, shit bullets kind of football coach just comes off as having a “so what” feeling.

The movie seems to be selling a drama rather than a straight sports film, and that’s fine, but the people who have to carry this thing have to be the players. If the movie becomes a quagmire of bombastic rants from Billy Bob like “make no mistake about it, gentleman, we are in the business of winning” only threaten to make this film just another depiction of how much football means to him, to the kids he coaches, to the community at large, etc… There should have been a better reason given why I should feel compelled to see what happens to those guys on the field who are the real focus of the film. From what I saw of them, and their moments, I would agree that I am interested. From what I saw of Billy Bob? Move along down the line, please, and stand next to Coach Denzel. Waving verbal testosterone around like the hard ass he is trying to be only really works for guys like John Goodman in REVENGE OF THE NERDS.

Peter Berg, the man behind the lens, did a great job with the RUNDOWN but, really, what was evocative about his directorial work? It was the Rock and Sean William Scott who brought a modicum of popularity the film so let’s hope the guys on the team in FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS can make something happen worth cheering for.

Director: Sun Zhou
Cast: Gong Li, Tony Leung Ka Fai, Chen Quing, Sun Hong Lei
Release: July 2, 2004 (Limited)
Synopsis: Zhou Yu, a ceramic artisan in China’s rural Northwest, has a deep rapport with Chen Qing, a shy sensitive poet. Taking a long train ride every weekend just to make mad passionate love with him, her longing seems insatiable. Until one day, she meets the hedonistic vet Zhang Qiang and begins a torrid affair, which takes her to another train station, and another level of lust. Driven by the locomotive of love and desire, she hustles through a dark tunnel of no return.

Prognosis: Positive. Why should I take on something when no one speaks any ingles?

The above comment is a good question and one that gets asked countless times when I mention I want to see a foreign language film based on its trailer. The same thing happened when I saw the promos running for AMELIE and then for IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE, both movies, I might add, were on my Best Of list at year’s end. Hell, when talking about IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE the film warranted enough interest that he fine people at Criterion put out a special edition of the film that still stands as one of my favorite DVD’s to date.

Having said this, and realizing that the core audience for a movie like this, by default, needs motivated people who can read, it behooves me to save this movie from being trampled in the glut of tent poles this season by saying a few things about the trailer.

First, and let me be completely honest, I don’t know where the trailer company kidnapped the guy doing the voice over for this thing but he needs to either have his mouth duct taped and have a fancy scroll across the screen instead or there needs to be a new version cut for this trailer without his voice because it is awful. Second, what is up with the music changes? First I think I’m listening to something from Peter and the Wolf, the next, I think I’m in a velvety chair listening to classical music in a big hall.

Music notwithstanding the trailer blocks everything perfectly. From the opening of the train in the distance and then establishing that this film’s star is the same woman from FAREWELL MY CONCUBINE, another great film, the makers of this film quickly make it known they’re not some schmoes who fell off a movie wagon in Taiwan. However, the music playing in the background is sucking at my soul by this point, and I’m just barely paying attention to the visuals, when there is a shift in tempo, presentation.

Our heroine, the woman who is the reason to see this movie, gingerly holds a white cup in her hands. The cinematography is working very subtly as it goes from her to a dude, a writer who digs her, to another dude, who digs her as well, and it gives the vibe that things are not going to be going well by the third reel. This is confirmed, if only hinted at, by the way she cavorts with both men as if playfully trying on robes. Just as I’m investing myself in this film, the oboes kick in and I curse Valhalla for having me endure this egregious audio assault. It’s of no matter however, as the story plays out in front of me, everything from the physical space you can feel between her and the men she’s investing herself with, the use of the train as a visual symbol for her journey, the way she gets it on with some faceless man (this warrants a big plus from the Peanut Gallery in my limbic system), and the slo-mo movement and lingering gaze of the camera on her groove thing as the sound of the train plays out in the background are all inciting. I am happy that the violins come back before this trailer is done but it is of no consequence as this is a film most anyone with a passion for subtitles should make an effort to see. That is unless you read reviews and it turns out the film is absolute dreck, in which case, go rent SHANGHAI EXPRESS.

Director: Paul Anderson
Cast: Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Lance Henriksen, Ewen Bremner
Release: August 13, 2004
Synopsis: The iconic monsters from two of the scariest film franchises ever, battle each other on Earth for the first time on film. The discovery of an ancient pyramid buried in Antarctica sends a team of scientists and adventurers to the frozen continent. There, they make an even more terrifying discovery: two alien races engaged in the ultimate battle. No matter who wins, we lose.

Prognosis: Positive. I didn’t think it would happen, to be completely honest.

When I heard this movie was getting made I, too, rolled my eyes and cursed every money grubbing suit attached to this project that connived to get this thing made. Things that slowly trickled out and about this film’s production wasn’t helping at all either. From the vague promo posters, the really vague teaser trailers, even the name on everything, AVP, sounded more like an off-road vehicle I should want to take out and really “open ‘er up” in the backwoods of Illinois; this was not sounding like a movie I needed go see. Then, finally, a trailer worth commenting on has made its way to the surface.

It’s not bad and that speaks volumes with a movie like this.

The trailer does things right by opening with a black screen and having only the sound of a predator echo in the background. We next get a group of people, ostensibly to become food for either alien race, investigating the area that seems to have brought the two big boys together in one, centralized sandbox. My take on this expeditionary crew is that they should warrant nothing more than ravenous cries at the screen to “get them good!” while hopefully providing a modicum of bad acting and bad lines. My expectations don’t fail me as one of them mentions, before everything kicks into high gear, “did you hear that?” Yes I did, sister, and it is called your death knell.

We get a flashy look at a drooling Alien and a steel faced predator as they both look at each other as if Don King is going to rip through the black background to say this will be the biggest fight known to man and to call my local cable provider to order it today. I cannot tell you how much frothy anger I would level at this thing if it left things like this. I would be upset. But it doesn’t and somewhere in the distance the spirit of 80’s nu metal overtakes the music in this trailer as things slowly pull me in further.

We next get a shot of the predators looking pimp as all get out as they slowly walk up some step; a separate shot of an alien embryo hatching (I could watch an entire film of those bad ass things attaching themselves to people’s faces, shoving eggs down their windpipes); a predator making short work of the mini-aliens; a quick shot of the prey caught in the middle (don’t feel bad for them, just be thankful they’ll provide some comic relief); a full-on HR Giger alien; a predator holding a disk with blades (I loved KRULL! I knew my letter writing campaign to get this weapon back into the movies would pay off.); a predator unsheathing some blades from their wrist, Wolverine-style (From X-MEN to ROBOCOP to I COME IN PEACE, crap coming out of people’s arms never ever gets old); and then we get an alien looking all sorts of pissed.

Cut to the prey caught up in this melee, and seemingly trapped in the alien egg room (see comments above concerning interest in said item) as one of the two utters, “what did you say this room was called?” Before you retort “your burial chamber, you beeyotch” a flurry of quick clips overtake the screen as humans are shown fighting back against everything coming at them, guns are going off, aliens are squealing like little pigs, explosions start rocking everything, and a blue sphere of energy, reminiscent of the Danger Zone cartoon series, engulfs everything.

I like the tagline: Whoever Wins…We Lose. It’s cheeky but not too mindless. I appreciate the work done by Paul W.S. Anderson. While none of the love I have for his work has to do with his directorial style, if I’m being completely honest, it’s simply his ability to wade through the genre of this kind of film that makes me hopeful it won’t be a complete travesty. The trailer has now raised a modicum of expectation for me and I now want to see the finished product to determine whether he’s desecrated a franchise that had some potential about 10 years ago when this project was on every fanboy’s list of fantasy films and shared some space on the page right below FREDDY VS. JASON.

Director: Paul Schrader
Cast: Stellan Skarsgård, Gabriel Mann, Clara Bellar, Billy Crawford
Release:August 20, 2004
Synopsis: Prequel to THE EXORCIST. The film traces the story of Father Lankester Merrin (Stellan Skarsgård) back to his first encounter with the Devil in post-WWII Africa.

Prognosis: Positive. First of all, Jesus is upside down.

Jesus is upside down and I know that not only is evil afoot, I don’t think I have ever seen that kind of thing employed in my cinematic travails. Second thing about this trailer, though, Warner is cheating at the beginning, pure and simple.

There is no way to look at the first half of the trailer for EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING and not think that Warner Brothers is cribbing a little too liberally from the first film to generate interest in this new incarnation. Don’t misunderstand me though, as I think this trailer is tip top all the way through.

What you notice as the Warner’s symbol turns black and white, the screen going dark, and the sound of Father Karras’ voice being the only thing you can hear is this thing starts off on a creepy note.

“Are you comfortable, Regan?”
“Yes.”
“How old are you?”
“12.”
“Is there someone inside of you?”

And then that dammed creepy ass breathing starts in, slowly, as Regan’s demonic eyes peer out at you. My skin starts to ripple as Father Karras asks Regan if she will, “let him answer?” The flashes of light and the sound of the response of “in time” is a real foot in the ass of all the cheap tricks employed by others who followed in this movie’s footsteps since the original. There is then a rewind of footage from the original EXORCIST as Keres makes his way from the ground level from whence he splattered, up to the window he was ejected out of, and into bedroom of Satan.

Just when I think, though, that this is where we’ll get introduced to the new version I am held at the velvet rope a little longer as the scroll chimes in with its ominous message: Go Back Before The Beginning, To The Place Evil Was Born. Oddly, the music loops backward, as does Brewmeister Smith’s signature walk from under the street light, clutching his satchel, ready to fight the dark side; I think I heard “Paul is dead” somewhere in that audio clip.

It’s nearly halfway done with this thing before I see anything new when I finally get a glimpse of Stellan Skarsgård.There is lightning, thunder, the sound of a church bell, and a quick look at the underground lair where most of everything else happens in this trailer. There is a great shot of a barren land with small crucifixes imbedded into the ground like a bunched up gravesite as a voice over from one of the actors says, “I was sent here to see if the legend was real.” Stellan is then shown going down deep into a cavern as another voice clip adds, “after the war in heaven, this is the spot where Lucifer fell.” We get more lighting, almost being played to the point of distraction, but then there is a clip of a mirror breaking, a chick in just a towel (what was the question?) screaming because of something, we get Jesus jus’ chillin’ upside-down, someone shouts “the power of Christ compels you,” Stellen holds up a lantern, and then Stellan’s voice states simply, quietly, “Joseph. Run.” What I know about the directing of this film was that Paul Schrader had directed the original incarnation of this thing and even had a slew of internet journalists to visit the set. Everything was in place to make this a well-known film and then the unthinkable, but plausible, happened: the suits at Warner’s were very displeased with the final product. They literally took the film away from Schrader, gave it to Renny “I know good film” Harlin, took Caleb Carr and William Wisher Jr.’s script and had it rewritten by Skip Woods and Alexi Hawley. The whole film was reshot. The whole film. The power of Christ may very well indeed be needed to exorcise the demons out of this thing but I am anxious to see what they have done.

Leave a Reply