E-MAIL THE AUTHOR | ARCHIVESBy Christopher Stipp
February 13, 2004
HELLACIOUS MUSINGS
What a lame week.
There hasn’t been much to coo about in the trailer world lately. I have to assume that studios are getting their ammunition together for the summer season and are willy nilly tossing their junk heaps in front of us in January and February before slamming us with their marketing pop-ups and relentless TV ads come Spring.
Speaking of Spring, I have to ask a question: is HELLBOY the second coming of Christ? I have seen the trailer, thought it was good, and most likely, if I get the chance, will probably see it. I’ve read on some other sites (where set visits, behind the scenes access, and exclusive interviews were given) where some are saying this will be the penultimate moviegoing experience and we all should bow down to Guillermo del Toro for blessing us with this cinematic gift. I agree that his work on BLADE II was great and that THE DEVIL’S BACKBONE was ferociously wonderful. However, what is the aim of people given preferential treatment as a movie is being made? Does it cloud one’s objectivity? What is the aim of letting individuals, people with large mouthpieces, even on the set in the first place? Kindness? Love? Hmm.
I look forward to seeing a new trailer for the film in the hopes it gives me something fresh to look at while trying to ignore the deafening din of people barking in my ear that I absolutely, positively, without compunction or hesitation, need to see HELLBOY. It is, after all, a film and there is only so much hyperbole one can attach to describing Selma Blair, Ron Perlman et al. I hope the talk simmers down, but hey, what do I know? I just review advertisements. I would tell you all what the effect any massive hype campaign does to a film, but you already know what can happen to those who buy into it and believe in it fervently.
Let me jump on this Harley hog of an article this week and give thanks to those in Touchstone who hath given us Viggo and his horse. HIDALGO should command your every ounce of attention this week as I do proclaimeth it as the trailer of the week.
Director: Raja Gosnell
Cast: Freddie Prinze, Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matthew Lillard, Linda Cardellini, Seth Green, Alicia Silverstone, Peter Boyle, Tim Blake Nelson
Release: March 26, 2004
Synopsis: In Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Scooby and the gang lose their cool – and their stellar reputation – when an anonymous masked villain wreaks mayhem on the city of Coolsville with a monster machine that re-creates classic Mystery Inc. foes like The Pterodactyl Ghost, The Black Knight and The 10,000 Volt Ghost. Under pressure from relentless reporter Heather Jasper-Howe (Alicia Silverstone) and the terrified citizens of Coolsville, the gang launches an investigation into the mysterious monster outbreak that leaves Shaggy and Scooby questioning their roles in Mystery Inc. The ever-ravenous duo, determined to prove they’re great detectives, don a series of far-out disguises in their search for clues. Meanwhile, brainy Velma (Linda Cardellini) becomes smitten with a key suspect, Coolsville Museum curator Patrick Wisely (Seth Green), as macho leader Fred (Freddie Prinze Jr.) and image-conscious Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar) attempt to determine the identity of the Evil Masked Figure who is unleashing the monsters in an attempt to take over Coolsville.
View Trailer:
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• Various (Windows Media, RealPlayer)
Progonosis: Negative.Did anyone here actually pay to see this pile almost two years ago?
The only reason why I am giving this only one middle-finger down instead of two is that this trailer isn’t trying to appeal to me. I think. I’m still on the fence trying to figure out if it’s trying to start something with my wallet or not. What you get here is the “teenage†trifecta of Prinze, Gellar, and Lillard who are back again to try and infuse a little post-pubescent pizzazz into the old cartoon favorite. Instead of bagging on it for the obvious jabs one could take at it, I’ll break the trailer down so you know I’m being negative for an honest reason.
In the first few seconds after the trailer’s beginning we get a fart gag. Hell, even I love a good fart gag, but a fart gag that may or may not be from the best-looking girl (It really does come down to whether you’re a Betty or Veronica kind of hornball) of the movie? Ok. I’ll let it slide.
Next, we get the set up of the “story.†Shaggy, and I do give props to Lillard who does a wicked channeling of Casey Kasem’s least annoying vocal talent, and Scooby are essentially blamed for wrecking Mystery Inc.’s reputation. Come now, even the kid who asks me if he can supersize my fries knows that by the end of this kid flick everything will be great, all will be right with the universe, and the throngs of uber nerds will be lining up, en masse, just to get a new look at their unemployed Buffy.
Then, after the story is fairly much revealed and given up like a prom night tryst, there’s not much more to do other than presenting the players and giving individual screen time for each.
I did some research, yes, as demanding as it was, and I checked out the trailer that ran for the first one. I failed miserably at compare and contrast exams in high school and so this makes me feel like I’m vindicating my past. I found out that both trailers follow the same formula. It’s the same right down to its bodily function opening, the interspersed cut scenes of every character in-situ from the first one to the Scooby disguise clips at the end.
What then, does this say about the people making this film?
Yes, obviously they are looking to do a cut-and-paste of the very same thing that made them over a hundred and fifty million for the first one. I wanted to make a comparison of another film I loved only to have it earn less than the first installment of this thing, but that would have been an unfair jab.
This trailer sucks for its uninspired and unimaginative manipulation. Honesty is always better.
Director: Jeff Schaffer
Cast: Scott Mechlowicz, Jessica Boehrs, Jacob Pitts, Michelle Trachtenberg, Travis Wester
Release: February 20, 2004
Synopsis: Have you ever pressed “Send” on an email and immediately wished you could get it back? Scotty Thomas (Scott Mechlowicz) and his Berlin-based computer pen pal Mieke (Jessica Boehrs) have been writing each other for years, sharing every detail of their lives. When Mieke makes a cyber pass at Scotty, he completely freaks out, thinking that this guy he’s known for years is coming on to him…in German no less. Too bad the the one detail Scotty doesn’t seem to know is that, in Germany, Mieke is a girl’s name. By the time Scotty figures out that Mieke is a girl, and a hot one at that, Mieke has cut off her email account and all contact with him. Thinking that this might be his one chance at true love—even though he’s never actually met the girl—Scotty and his best friends, Cooper (Jacob Pitts) and the twins Jenny (Michelle Trachtenberg) and Jamie (Travis Wester), embark on a raucous trip across Europe headed for Berlin.
View Trailer:
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Progonosis: Negative. I just couldn’t let this one slide.
I tried to ignore it, fight it, but I just can’t keep quiet.
The number one reason why this trailer is a failure at every possible turn is that everything presented gives the outcome to nearly every single gag.
My case against this trailer trash can be broken down as quick and frenetic as the cut scenes slapped together in it: one of the kids hates mimes in so he kicks him in the nuts. One kid thinks he’s going to get sex in Amsterdam only to find out he’s going to be beaten in an S/M club. The pack of them try absinthe, only to tell the audience that it’s banned in America for the wacky and zany things it drives people to do, and then shows the brother/sister twin making out with each other. We then see the boys of the film go to a nude beach without their clothes on only to find other boys without their clothes on. Then you see, well, you can see for yourself.
If you figure out how many different places they are going in this film, add up the number of revealed gags in this trailer, add in the amount of time needed for a good set up of each gag, and divide by the number of possible good gags that possibly weren’t shown because they were way too funny to tease you with, you should end up with all the reasons why you should wait to see this thing on video. While stoned. Or drunk. Or with the sound off (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
Director: Renny Harlin
Cast: Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, LL Cool J, Kathryn Morris, Jonny Lee Miller, Patricia Velasquez, Will Kemp
Release: June 4, 2004
Synopsis: Hiding inside a group of eight young FBI profilers learning to hunt serial killers is a killer attempting to hunt them. As one by one the agents begin to disappear, none can be trusted. Each one is under suspicion. And they are all in mortal danger until, in the ultimate test of their crime-solving skills, they uncover the mysterious predator lurking in their midst. MINDHUNTERS turns the serial killer thriller inside out by concealing the ultimate evil deep within the ranks of the good guys.
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• Various (Windows Media, RealPlayer)
Progonosis: Hemming and Hawing. Hmm. That’s about as much as I can give.
What is this exactly supposed to be: a genetic freak spawned from the best spliced farm scenes from THE RECRUIT, some of the best good-looking law enforcement support from the likes of S.W.A.T., and tossed in a blender with an actually interesting story being the blades that mixes it all together.
It all feels tangled somehow.
I’m not sure how I should feel about LL. Really. His movie career has had him in some fairly solid flops. ROLLERBALL was a genuinely crap film as was DELIVER US FROM EVA. However, he has a genuine charisma. I don’t know, though, if I’m sold on him as an actor. I feel like I’m always waiting for him to start busting out a dope rhyme while greased hoochies rub his pecs.
Val Kilmer. This makes the second trailer I’ve reviewed for him and he’s looking really good here. He’s done some really good work lately from WONDERLAND to THE SALTON SEA and, if you look at the amount of work he’s done in his career, 2004 will see the biggest output of film projects he’s ever done. He’s showing some good promise of having a stellar year.
Christian Slater. I know it’s cool to say TRUE ROMANCE or HEATHERS saw him hit his cinematic peak, but his role in KUFFS cannot be overlooked. The kid has been around a long time, some would say he is at his nadir, but he has shown great range as an actor. That’s why I am hoping he does some of what made him good in MINDHUNTERS. There are shimmers and slivers of being able to shine in the trailer, and so I hope he just doesn’t sleepwalk through this one.
As for Kathryn Morris, is she just on loan from COLD CASE? I am tired of seeing her mug for every promo that runs with a CBS program and I hope this isn’t a case of overexposure.
The main plot points are well laid out and, not counting the first third of the thing, the trailer really makes me want to see this thing. I take umbrage, though, with the first few moments that are shown in the trailer. Everyone just looks so, damn, pretty. They’re laughing, cavorting, having a smashing time being FBI actors, and then LL shows up and oozes, like a swollen pimple that needs to be popped, an obnoxious air of how-cool-am-I into the thing that I really find off-putting. It’s the nadir of the trailer, though, and once I shrugged that off like a shaggy dog after a bath, it’s nothing but the good stuff.
It’s a mixed bag for me, still, and the fact that Renny Harlin’s last directorial effort was 2001’s DRIVEN doesn’t make me feel any better. If ever there was a man who needed a miracle to stay employed just look at where Gore Verbinski ended last year and then realize that it can happen even in Hollywood.
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS (2004)
Director: Frank Coraci
Cast: Jackie Chan, Steve Coogan, Cécile De France, Jim Broadbent, Kathy Bates, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Cleese, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Johnny Knoxville, Ian McNeice, Rob Schneider, Mark Addy, Ewen Bremner, Marsha Yuen, Maggie Q, Sammo Hung, Mars, Karen Mok, Daniel Wu
Release: June 16, 2004
Synopsis: Based on the novel by Jules Verne, AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS begins with Passepartout (Chan), an adventurer, trying to make it to China to restore a sacred object stolen from his village. He’s joined by Phileas Fogg (Coogan), who puts his rep as an inventor on the line to provide the transport. Bent on stopping them is Lord Kelvin (Broadbent), head of the Royal Academy of Science, who’ll lose his fortune if the duo circles the globe in that 80-day period.
View Trailer:
• Various (Windows Media, RealPlayer)
Progonosis: Family Approved. It gets hard to find good movies you can take the family to go see that doesn’t completely suck for the adults who have to see it.
What this movie is shaping up to be is one long cameo from nearly almost anyone in Hollywood who wasn’t really working around the time this thing was shooting and had a free day to “kick it†on set for a few lines. What you see with Chan is what you get, and, lately, that hasn’t been much. From the dismal MEDALLION to the awful TUXEDO with Jennifer “I need a sandwich†Love “No really, I need one. I look embarrassingly emaciated on a big, silver screen†Hewitt, Chan has been fairly hit and miss. SHANGAHI KNIGHTS was a welcome diversion and one hopes he can resurrect some of that juice and avoid being simply average in this film.
The trailer does a great job in establishing the premise, much to the benefit to any grade school kid looking to get out of reading the Jules Verne classic and get busted for doing so (Kid Tip Of The Day: remember to excise any mention of Arnold Schwarzenegger from any reports as a result of the viewing), and gives enough eye candy to draw you in further into wondering where this flick is going to lead. Obviously, if you read the book, you know where this all going but some of us bibliophiles who have yet to read everything mankind has produced are still unsure of the zany or wacky antics that await the Mouse House’s “creative liberties†they take with the source material.
What is very interesting to note, apart from Sugar Ray’s “Fly†which is placed at the end of the trailer either not so surreptitiously or like a cold cock to the nether regions, you decide which, is the lack of cameo whoring. Apart from the draw of Schwarzenegger’s bit role that’s on screen for a few seconds, there is no indication of the star power contained in this Disney film. You have the brothers Wilson, John Cleese, Kathy Bates, Rob Schneider and even an appearance by Macy Gray (I know, the latter two aren’t really a draw for most of us, but to some segment of the population they are worth a couple dozen dollars at the box office), but there is nothing that would lead you to believe they are even in the film. Color me surprised.
It all looks like relatively safe fare for the fam (a thankful object of desire with most parents nowadays) and I would be very interested to know, when they do cut another trailer, whether it still holds the same promise for a fun matinee with a first date or some ankle biting rugrats.
Director: Joe Johnston
Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Omar Sharif, Zuleikha Robinson, Louise Lombard, Said
Release: March 5, 2004
Synopsis: Based on the true story of the greatest long-distance horse race ever run, “Hidalgo†is an epic action-adventure and one man’s journey of personal redemption. Held yearly for centuries, the Ocean of Fire—a 3,000 mile survival race across the Arabian Desert—was a challenge restricted to the finest Arabian horses ever bred, the purest and noblest lines, owned by the greatest royal families. In 1890, a wealthy Sheik invited an American and his horse to enter the race for the first time. Frank T. Hopkins (Viggo Mortensen) was a cowboy and dispatch rider for the US cavalry who had once been billed as the greatest rider the West had ever known. The Sheik (Omar Sharif) would put this claim to the test, pitting the American cowboy and his mustang, Hidalgo, against the world’s greatest Arabian horses and Bedouin riders—some of whom were determined to prevent the foreigner from finishing the race. For Frank, the Ocean of Fire becomes not only a matter of pride and honor, but a race for his very survival as he and his horse, Hidalgo, attempt the impossible.
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Progonosis: Positive. Another movie about a horse?
That was the first thing I thought of before seeing this trailer. When I saw posters for this film immediately images of a Kevin Costner-esque epic about the old west with six-shooters, Indians, dirty hair, and wide, sweeping CinemaScope shots of lush landscapes depicting a completely fabricated and false image of life “back then†filled my subconscious.
It’s not.
I love it when I’m mistaken because it forces me to stand up and pay attention to what’s really happening with the film.
The trailer starts off fairly innocuous. The trailer on Yahoo! has an annoying prat tell us that Viggo and his steed were long distance racers and have never lost a race. Ho-hum. Whoopdee-Farkin-Doo. After that, to those of us in the audience who can read, it says that Team Equine fell out of favor from the American consciousness (probably too busy raping and pillaging the ol’ west to care much about a man and his horse), forced to be a sideshow act, but were given the opportunity to race 3000 miles (no, not to Graceland) across the Arabian desert. Side note: the trailer through Apple did a much better job at creating less initial hostility with me.
At this point, I’m curious about what is happening. At the very least the trailer gets me out of the country and onto foreign soil. From there, the story’s set-up is put in motion, making it clear what Viggo’s objective is and of the risks involved, before descending into quick clips (hey, there’s swords! Lookee, there’s chicks! Whoo-hoo, a sandstorm! Everyone loves a good sandstorm! Is that a Tiger? Fire arrows! Guns!) that collectively give something to everyone afflicted with ADD something to munch on.
Viggo could have pretty much rested on his collective nerd worship for as long as he liked, but it’s great to see him go on with his film career. Before LORD OF THE RINGS I only knew him as Master Chief John James from G.I. JANE (Shut up. It was watchable.) and HIDALGO only looks to further secure his place as a bankable commodity in the marketplace. There really isn’t anything else he’s slated to be in this year and, simply based on his performance in LOTR, this will be the only opportunity for a while to see if he can channel that same charisma riding a horse in the desert as he did riding a horse through Mordor.
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