DENVER – This year it sucks to be a vice presidential candidate.
The Democratic Convention isn’t till the end of August. The Republicans meet the first week in September. Does it really take this long for the delegates to construct donkey and elephant themed hats?
This means we’ll get six months of “Guess the Vice President.” Brace yourself for reporters ending every interview with a politician with: “Would you accept the job of Vice President if it’s offered?” It’s like adding “in bed” to a fortune cookie message. MSNBC already asked it to Elmo if he’s ready to replace Dick Cheney on the ticket. He’s hot the red states. Although my support for the future V.P. is pitchman Billy Mays. He knows how to promote American innovation and products. Which nominee will nab the man who gave us Oxiclean? Neither candidate is going to tip their VP choice since that’s what creates real surprise at the convention. Nobody in May will be wearing a “Second In Command In Training” vest. It’s an infernal pundit guessing game meant to last all summer long.
Coincidentally Jeff Zucker at NBC is already planning a new arena gameshow entitled, Are You Willing to Accept the Job of Vice President? It will follow their upcoming slate of “competitive reality shows” that includes What’s In My Pocket?, How Much Does Your Belly Button Lint Weigh?, and Black Sock or Navy Blue Sock?
Why exactly is a major TV network wasting an hour with My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad? Remember when this show was on Nickelodeon and called something like Family Style Double Dare? Why does NBC run it at 9 p.m. on a Monday? That’s pretty late for a school night. They can call it, My Dad Doesn’t Care What Time I Go to Bed. Hasn’t NBC news run news reports about how kids need to get more sleep. And now they do this? Jeff Zucker doesn’t care that your kids don’t get to bed till 10 p.m. Get with your own truths, star of Fat Actress.
NBC’s Amnesia is even worse as a gameshow. I don’t care if people can remember their fifth grade teacher. Why does Dennis Miller keep having a career? Has he used his Thesaurus joke on the show yet? He’s like that wad of bubblegum you swallowed in second grade that you swear is still stuck in your small intestine. In Japan, if someone had failed as pathetically as Miller did on Monday Night Football, he’d commit ritualistic seppuku. Celebrity Seppuku would be perfect for VH1. Whatever happened to giving the people what they really want?
LOL GOP
Everyone keeps claiming that Fox News is the propaganda machine of the Republican Party, but they’re wrong. Comedy Central is the true Kingmaker of this year’s GOP. You need proof? Gov. Mitt Romney and Mayor Rudy Giuliani were on Fox News as much as Bill O’Reilly and Shepard Smith. There were rumors that certain Fox News insiders were White House bound when either of their candidates became elected. But a funny thing happened on the way to the convention: Mitt and Rudy flailed, failed and bailed.
Why?
The Colbert Bounce and the Daily Show Phenomena devastated Fox’s favorite sons. Mike Huckabee was as unknown as that freakish senator from Alaska. But then he was clutched into Stephen Colbert’s patriotic bosom. This quasi-endorsement allowed the Arkansas governor to win primaries while Mayor Rudy fled to Florida to blow his campaign chest on a “fire wall” vote.
McCain was ignored by Fox News who decided he wasn’t worth their Campaign Carl exclusives. Fox trademarked “America’s Mayor” for Rudy. Mitt was practically co-host of Your World With Neil Cavuto. Jack Welch was jealous at Neil spending so much face time with “The Man Who Saved the Winter Olympics.” McCain didn’t even have a Roger Ailes endorsed nickname. But there was always a warm seat on The Daily Show set for McCain. Jon Stewart didn’t completely faun over him like Cavuto’s tongue slicking back Mitt’s hair. Stewart took the senator to task for going back on his straight talk – especially when he sucked up to the forces that ambushed him in South Carolina during the 2000 election. But at least Stewart cared enough to talk to McCain unlike that Fair and Balanced News Channel. And now who is in the catbird’s seat? How does Roger Ailes feel with the knowledge that his machine was derailed by a fake news show or more properly expressed, “An openly fake news show?”
When it comes time for press coverage from the convention floor in Minneapolis, Colbert and Stewart should walk the floor not merely as fake news reporters, but as the swizzle stick that stirs the GOP drink. Forget Rush, Coulter and Roger Ailes, future Republican presidential candidates better kiss the true rings of power.
OSCAR GOREY
There’s only one way to save the Oscar’s ratings – the 2009 host must be Gary Busey. Imagine the look of panic in the eyes of Helen Mirren when she realizes her path to the Golden Boy goes through the arms of Busey.
Instead of the memorial montage, a psychic should predict which Academy members will be in the grave before the next ceremony. Extreme close-ups will capture the shock of those marked for death.
KISS AND DEFLATE
Remember when Gene Simmons wanted us to call him Dr. Love? Thanks to the unexpected release of his sex tape, he’s now been reduced to Orderly Perfunctory.
The Kiss frontman has spent the last three decades bragging about his sexual powers. Has he ever done an interview with a female reporter that didn’t include him hitting on her? He tempts them with his tongue and the treasure restrained by his codpiece. He was going to rock and roll them all night.
Even on the recent Apprentice, Gene sold himself as God’s Gift to women. Did he not lock his sunglasses on Ivanka Trump’s rack? He swore the Manhattan socialite wanted to understand “Detroit Rock City.” He passed himself off as a stud on A&E’s Family Jewels. America bought into the legend that Gene Simmons at nearly 60 still had the mojo.
But then the video of Gene boffing a blond with heavily augmented breasts hit the internet. Instead of fans of Family Jewels rejoicing at this carnal find, there was a complete letdown. “My eyes!” they screamed as if they opened up the ark of the covenant.
There’s nothing sexy about Gene’s seduction. He keeps his t-shirt on as if he was the second coming of Ed Powers. He doesn’t even remove his pants from around his ankles. This dress code only acceptable for scoring with the ladies in toilet stalls. Gene doesn’t use his legendary tongue for foreplay. He pulls a Col. Sanders. He licks his fingers to moist up her extra crispy giblet. There’s no kissing. The woman does her best to not look directly at Gene’s face while he half-heartedly schtumps away on her. She wants to imagine him in full make up as the Demon and not face the reality of Gene’s aged sourpuss face.
She wears her flip-flops onto the bed. Is she afraid of catching a foot fungus from Gene? This is not a sexy sexual encounter. Michael Jackson’s turkey baster is more romantic with the ladies.
As far as sex tapes go, this is a complete disaster. It makes Kim K Superstar look like Last Tango In Paris. The Johns in Brent Owens’ Hookers At the Point series have more seductive moves than Gene. For the upcoming season of Family Jewels, A&E is running a promotional campaign for people to vote if Gene really had sex with 4,800 women. Who couldn’t have sex with 4,800 women at $20 a pop? They even have a billboards up with the number – as if Gene was the McDonald’s of Groupie Sex. If you notice, it only says “4,800 women” and not “4,800 satisfied women.”
Even worse is Gene telling people that the sex video is from five years ago. That means he was younger when he screwed the blond as if he was taking out the garbage. The nice thought is that Gene can get some crossover action by having this footage featured on a very special episode of Discovery’s Mythbusters.
THE DVD SHELF
The writer’s strike might be over, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up watching DVDs for broadcast TV. Here’s a few new arrivals that have piled up on the Grand Wega.
Beowulf was much more fun to watch than the version inflicted upon us in English 112. The battle scene between Beowulf and Grendel was pretty damn intense. But the tension was undercut when they kept coming up with Austin Powers gimmicks to hide Beowulf’s cyber dong from the camera’s view. Seeing how I’m watching the “Unrated Director’s Cut,” why couldn’t they allow Beowulf Jr. to flap freely in the heat of combat? And what’s up with Angelina Jolie having the same accent as Beaky Buzzard’s mom from the Looney Tunes cartoons?
Mod Squad: Season One, Volume 2makes me wonder how can any criminal resist the pout of Julie Barnes (played by Peggy Lipton)? She knows how to make the kindest soul feel guilty. The second half of the first season keeps up the fun as the young undercover police trio bust old criminals and save groovy chicks. They survive a plane crash in “Flight Five Doesn’t Answer.” They saddle up as undercover cowboys in “Fear Is the Bucking Horse.” The prime episode of boxset is “Keep the Faith, Baby” with Sammy Davis Jr. as a priest and Robert Duvall as killer. Julie, Pete (Michael Cole) and Linc keep it solid with their crimefighting skills. Youngsters should recognize Linc since Clarence Williams III played the Harlem crime boss Bumpy Johnson in American Gangster.
Love American Style: Season 1, Volume 2 keeps the love coming from the greatest kitsch series of the Seventies. Two of my favorite episodes are included. Both involve Batman stars. “Love and the Big Night” has Tony Randall get his shot at Julie Newmar. She’s the swinging secretary that enjoys shagging the married guys at work. Felix gets his freak on with Catwoman. Big warning – you do see Tony’s bare chest. “Love and the Great Catch” has Adam West playing himself while visiting George Lindsey. Batman tangles with Goober! The true joy of Love American Style is having TV and film icons tangle on a neutral show.
Love Boat: Season One, Volume 1 took over from Love American Style in allowing stars a chance to act outside of their sitcoms. Jim Nabors, Tab Hunter, Robert Hegyes, Sandy Duncan, Jane Curtain and James Bond III all boarded the Pacific Princess in search of amore. The series launched the coolest bartender to sail the high seas in Isaac Washington (Ted Lange). He revolutionized the mixologist in pop culture. The show pure mindless fun. The Love Boat mocked the viewers since it was quite obvious that if you were watching it on Saturday nights, you weren’t getting much love. You weren’t heading off to a romantic location. Spending time with Gopher allowed America feel that they weren’t that lonely.
101 Dalmatians: Platinum Edition is a major upgrade from the 1999 barebones release. This Disney animated classic deals with sweet Cruella De Vil’s dream of collecting enough puppies to make herself a Dalmatian coat. The puppies decide that they don’t want to sacrifice their lives for fashion. What would Tim Gunn say about this? There’s tons of bonus stuff including a 33 minute documentary about the film and legendary animator Marc Davis discussing Cruella.
No Country for Old Men was the only Oscar nominated film that lured me into paying full price. And it won the golden boy. I still have nightmares of checking into the wrong hotel room and discovering Anton Chigurh. Javier Bardem (better known to Regis as Xavier) gives a Terminator level performance as the killer who can’t be stopped when he’s on a mission. Josh Brolin plays the man who stumbles upon drug loot and thus becomes Anton’s next target. One of my favorite films of 2007.
Flight 29 Down: Season Two is Lost for kids except it doesn’t confuse you with timelines, polar bears and giant magnets. A pack of kids attempt to survive after being stranded on a tropical island. The entire series wraps up on Tango Hotel: Series Finale. Remembering my school days, I’d be the first to resort to cannibalism.
Things We Lost in the Fire reminds us that Halle Berry winning the Oscar wasn’t a career fluke. She can act in films that aren’t completely dumb like Catwoman. She plays a mom struggling with a tragic event. She thinks she finds a steady hand with Benicio Del Toro, but he’s got his own demons. This film could have easily devolved into a Lifetime movie, but the performances keep it from going off the tracks.
Into the Wild is the creepy tale of Chris McCandless. After graduating from college, he gave away all of his possessions and trekked into Alaska. Sean Penn does a magnificent job at showing the rush McCandless must have felt on his journey. Not to spoil the ending, but it’s not the feel good hit of the year. This would make a great double feature with Werner Herzog’s Grizzly Man.
Descent has ended any sexual fantasies involving Rosario Dawson. She plays a college girl that’s sexually attacked by a classmate. She plots a really nasty revenge on her date rapist. Fans of Frank Zappa’s “Bobby Brown” won’t wince as much as the rest of us. Make sure you get the NC-17 cut for the complete “AHHHHHH!” factor.
Trading Spaces: Specials is a great way to distract the wife when you need private time during March Madness. The DVD has 4 of the hour long specials including “Trading Castles.” Paige Davis hosts two of them. It’s nice to see TLC has brought her back to host the show. Did you know that designer Hildi Santo Tomas worked for Sen. Jesse Helms?
IS PARIS ITCHING?
I’m applying for the “Be Paris Hilton’s New Best Friend” MTV reality show. First I’ll have to host my own VH1 reality show to help me win her show. “Corey Connection” allows drug dealers to compete for my “friendship.” Can aspiring Tony Montanas get me anything that Paris wants at 4 a.m.? A year after my victory as Paris’ new best friend, I’ll be hosting “Don’t Scratch That!” from the Center for Disease Control.
TODAY TOMORROW TONIGHT
According the Magic 8 Ball, Jay Leno won’t be leaving NBC when he steps down from hosting the Tonight Show. Jeff Zucker will have Jay host the upcoming fifth hour of the Today Show.
There will be a nasty ratings dive for the Tonight Show if Leno goes to ABC or Fox. While Conan has his followers, he attracts a different audience than Leno. More people tune into Conan after watching Letterman. A drinking buddy at a certain ratings service says that at least 20% of Conan’s “audience” is comprised of people who fall asleep during Leno. While Conan might have done well against Letterman and Kimmel, he’s dead meat if Leno sticks around at 11:35 on ABC or 11:00 on Fox.
Zucker’s wooing Jon Stewart for Late Night to replace Conan. But sources, who have seen Jon on TMZ, claim he has no intention to give up The Daily Show. What’s the point of moving from 11 p.m. to 12:35 a.m.? Stewart enjoys being able to keep up a daylight audience with the constant replays on Comedy Central. Plus he’s the GOP Kingmaker. Conan can’t even get a Dr. Pibb at the NBC commissary. The dark horse candidate for Late Night is The Daily Show‘s Rob Riggle. Carson Daly hosting the hour is considered the “If terrorists blow up New York and Los Angeles while Carson Daly is golfing in Texas” option.
Zucker can always mix things up by having a two and a half hour late night Deal or No Deal or American Gladiators Afterdark.
MORE NBC GAME SHOWS
Our man in Burbank has slipped us the top secret list of all the game shows Jeff Zucker is pondering for upcoming prime time schedule.
Arf Arf – Contestants have to match dogs with their owners.
Patient Zero – Guess who gave everyone in a group of people a communicable disease.
I Got Your Nose – A contestant has to guess which of five people truly has their nose sticking out of their fists.
National Peek-A-Boo Night – America wonders where the host has gone when he covers his face with his hands. Riveting TV, Tom Shales will declare.
Fresh or Sour – Contestants have to guess the expiration date of milk.
What Did I Have For Lunch – Contestant gets a fart in the face and has to identify the foods in the gas.
Do You Know Who I Am? – Drunk celebrities avoid being arrested for drunk driving by flaunting their star power.
Know that Colon – Can you spot your spouse’s colon when a cam’s been shoved up it?
ROCK OF SHOTS
Faithful reader Zan W. pondered a great question: Is Bret Michaels auditioning for Wilford Brimley’s Liberty Medical gig? Both men spending most of their time on TV talking about their diabetes. As soon as Bret wraps on Rock Of Love 22, he’ll be ready to tell us how to order all your diabetic supplies.
If Bret really wants to be the new Wilford, he’s going to have to drop the bandana action. Wilford doesn’t mind showing off his sexy scalp. How much hair is really attached to Bret’s dome? A recent Rock of Love had a girl “surprise” Bret with breakfast in bed. She allegedly woke him up. He still had the bandana on. How many hours did Bret have to prepare himself for the “surprise?”
Brace yourself: MyNetwork will be airing a sitcom starring Flavor Flav called Under One Roof. Expect to see a rise in reports of people ripping their eyes out.
END THE PAIN
I fear being trapped in a theater watching Mike Myers’ The Love Guru. My eye are already hurting from the trailer. Please tell me that this isn’t really a movie, but a fake trailer spoofing the cinema of Myers.
At some point I’ll see Semi-Pro since Jackie Earle Haley plays a rabid fan of the Flint Tropics. It’ll probably be a matinee.
OPRAH’S BIG GIVE
What would I do if Oprah handed me a pile of money? I’d give her directions to where Gayle King is buried alive.
The press went nuts with the announcement that Discovery Health Channel will become OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. There was buzz that Oprah would revolutionize TV with uplifting programs for her followers. Remember when Oprah pushed the Oxygen Channel? The station devolved into continuous marathons of Bad Girls Club and Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. What the hell went wrong with that channel? How did it go from empowering women to exploiting them like a trainwreck version of Girls Gone Wild? Does Oprah feel bad that she birthed this bastion of trash TV that exists to give E!’s The Soup classic highlights? OWN will feature Gayle King’s Ultimate Jell-O Wresting Academy by the end of the year.
FINAL UPCOMING NBC SHOW
Did I Wash This Underwear? – Can be played on To Catch A Predator with the pervs before Chris Hansen steps out from behind the screen.
Oh no! Just when you thought it was safe to hang out at the Quick Stop…
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After the abomination that was Evan Almighty, it would take a film to rejuvenate my view of Steve Carrell’s once-promising film career. Thankfully, he made a nice little flick like 
It’s like a watched pot, but ever so slowly we’re getting more seasons of the Britcom classic One Foot In The Grave with the release of seasons 
Get your Al Pacino catalogue fix with a pair of from the vaults releases – 
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Dora and Boots have brought together a toe-tapping collection sure to be on constant repeat in the CD and mp3 players of anyone with kids, 
Not content to let Dora venture out alone this weekend, there’s also a brand new Diego release – 
Stargate fans still smarting over the show’s cancellation can wrap up the Ori saga with the direct-to-DVD 
Clearly a reaction to her Oscar win last year, the 
Watching the episodes on the second volume of 
I’d say anime fans probably already have their copies of 
Get your Tom Baker Doctor fix with a pair of new classic Doctor Who releases – 
It’s always a disappointing exercise to watch the recently produced cartoons featured in the fourth volume of 
Completely inoffensive and largely forgettable, the big screen 
Those trippy teens Linc, Pete, and Julie return for the rest of their inaugural season with 
It’s been years since the limited edition release of 
As if further proof of the arbitrary uselessness of the Oscars was needed, let’s look at the case of 
I’m glad that, in recent years, the largely lackluster early-80’s period of Saturday Night Live has been allowed to come in from the cold and at least have its existence, on an official level, be acknowledged. Just a few years ago, I don’t think we would have gotten a documentary examining the totality of that decade like the wonderful 
Its release was delayed a few months due to printing issues, but the newest issue of 
There is a threshold over which a director with a unique vision becomes a director with annoying affectations. With 
Straight from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld comes the tale of the 
Ah, pre-Code Hollywood – an era in the 30’s when cinema wasn’t restrained by content restrictions and was free to put any vice they wanted onscreen, which wouldn’t happen again until filmmakers the 70’s broke down the walls of the industry’s puritan Production Code. The second 
If you want a quick and easy way to add a quartet of must-have comedy classics from a legendary filmmaker to your collection, snap up a copy of the 
It seems like you can’t take a step nowadays without hitting a new sketch comedy group. One of the better newcomers is 
A powerful flick with a still-stellar cast gets a much-deserved revisiting with the special edition of 
Often overlooked in favor of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, 
Richard Kimble is still on the run in the second volume of 
If you were to strip away all of the subversive energy and surreal delights of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and transplant the dull, lifeless corpse into a garishly colorful toy store run by the titular eccentric of 
Time and again, my theory that everything will get a feature-laden DVD re-release is proven. This time, it’s a new 2-disc edition of 
All good things must come to an end, and 2- years after the show’s end, so do the DVD releases of 
Fans of Cartoon Network’s 
If you find yourself craving something exciting and new, then you’re out of luck, because the episodes featured in the Season One: Volume One of that nautical soap bubble 
Young Marla Olmstead was hailed as a child prodigy, with paintings compared to Jackson Pollock which began to fetch hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, it all came crashing down when accusations were levied that her amateur artist father was really the one doing the painting. All of this is explored in the fascinating documentary 
