New York in Miniature (Not Really)…
OK Go, you have made music videos interesting YET AGAIN…
The Japanese MYTHBUSTERS has a slightly different feel to it…
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Category: Articles
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FREDagator: 2010-03-02
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FREDagator: 2010-03-01
RoboThespian has arrived. Tobey Maguire – Your days are numbered…
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FREDagator: 2010-02-28
Heya, gals! Want to keep that man? Tab Cola will tell you how… (via @Caissie via @finslippy via @morethanmama)
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FREDagator: 2010-02-26
I do believe this is the best assessment of AVATAR so far…
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-02-24
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away six (6) copies of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE on both Blu-Ray & DVD.
In conjunction with Fox Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of COLD SOULS on DVD.
In conjunction with Shout Factory Home Video, we’re giving away five (5) copies of ELVIS on DVD.
In conjunction with Comedy Central Records, we’re giving away three (3) copies of SONGS OF THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM on CD.
In conjunction with Faber & Faber, we’re giving away four (4) copies of THE QI “G” ANNUAL.
In conjunction with Hasbro, we’re giving away a MARVEL UNIVERSE: IRON MAN Figure.
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FREDagator: 2010-02-24
Oh, Japan. CGI has finally caught up to your filmmaking crazy…
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FREDagator: 2010-02-22
Ken Plume – 42nd Street Scene 1
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FREDagator: 2010-02-21
Rufus Hound performs ‘Fight For This Love’ – Let’s Dance for Sport Relief
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-02-17
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with Channel 4 Home Video, we’re giving away two (2) copies of THE PETER SERAFINOWICZ SHOW on DVD.
In conjunction with Channel 4 Home Video, we’re giving away two (2) copies of MISFITS: SERIES ONE on DVD.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of THE INFORMANT on both Blu-Ray & DVD.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of THE BOX on both Blu-Ray & DVD.
In conjunction with Screen Media Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of WOMEN IN TROUBLE on both Blu-Ray & DVD.
In conjunction with Screen Media Home Video, we’re giving away two (2) copies of TRAILER PARK BOYS on DVD.
In conjunction with Rhino Records, we’re giving away three (3) copies of the SHUTTER ISLAND Soundtrack on CD.
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FREDagator: 2010-02-16
It’s “science” shows like this that make me respect Mythbusters that much more…
Have trouble getting rid of all that snow? Get a SNOW DRAGON
It’s “science” shows like this that make me respect Mythbusters that much more…
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FREDagator: 2010-02-13
Marv the Vibraphone Robot – “Flight of the Bumblebee”. This is how the war between man and machine begins…
Though it seems the humans may have a champion in their war against the machines…
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Toy News: Exclusive VENTURE BROS. Toys Sneak Peek
Ahead of their big reveal at Toy Fair this weekend, Bif Bang Pow has given FRED readers an exclusive sneak peek at one of the prototypes for their upcoming line of VENTURE BROS. toys. You’ll find another exclusive peek over at Jackson Publick’s Livejournal.
So without further ado, here’s your first look at Henchman 21:
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FREDagator: 2010-02-12
Tech Support w/ Hunter S. Thompson (NSFW)”
Happy Joe Don Baker Day #4 – “He’s Not A Good Cop”
Happy Joe Don Baker Day #3 – “My My My My Mitchell”
Happy Joe Don Baker Day #2 – “MST3K Mitchell”
Happy Joe Don Baker Day #1 – “Mongo’s Back In Town”
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Soapbox: Quo Vadis, See-Saw?
Quo Vadis, See-Saw?
It was a pleasantly warm spring night. The barely-setting sun painted the sky in bold oranges and reds, and the air smelled of sweetness. I was at the park, sitting on the swings with my four-year-old boy, when he spied the see-saw and asked me to take him to it.Things have changed since I was a wee lad. I remember the see-saw as being a potentially dangerous piece of playground machinery; the possibility of having one’s family jewels spontaneously rearranged was always close at hand.
In fact, this was part of the allure of the see-saw. The element of danger. The knowledge that some amount of skill was required in order to avoid the junk-jangling scenario made the see-saw something of a challenge – and what young male doesn’t thrive on the notion of competition?
It was an art form, really. You knew the other guy might jump off his seat at any moment, and you would have to be instantly prepared. You had to act quickly, and if you timed it right, you could stiffen your legs as you plummeted to the earth, landing firmly on your two feet while your see-saw seat safely fell away beneath you. The jewels would be allowed to live another day, and your opponent knew he’d been bested by your cat-like reflexes.
This sort of thing was part of growing up as a Man-child, and learning to navigate the see-saw experience was part of every young lad’s initiation, a vital part of his growing-up formation, and an endless source of experiential wealth. I dare say that the potentially-dangerous see-saw of my childhood is responsible for making me the man I am today.
All of this has changed. As my son and I mounted the new and improved see-saw, I noticed something different. No longer do see-saw makers favor the classic lever-and-fulcrum construction for the playground ride. No. The see-saw that I sat on that evening was something newfangled, featuring a spring-loaded “fulcrum” that essentially tethered the “lever”, controlling how high one end of the lever could go, and – more importantly – how low to the ground the other end of the lever would dip.
Essentially, this new see-saw construction has eliminated the possibility of roughing up your opponent’s genitals.
Yes, perhaps those who ride on this family-friendly see-saw can still have a good time, but clearly, they will be growing soft, weak, and weenie-like in the process. There is no danger. There is no competition. In short, the nutsacks belonging to young lads on the modern see-saw are safe from all harm, and were so from the moment they mounted the G-rated ride.
As my son and I finished our little romp on the sissy-saw, he ran over to me, eyes sparkling and smile beaming.
“That was fun, Daddy! Can we do it again?”, he asked.
And as I looked into the beautiful face of my little boy, I began to become enraged at what our society is doing to our children. Because of alleged “safety concerns”, he will never know the life-changing, character-forming experiences that I was permitted to encounter as a result of playing with my mates on a normal see-saw.
I vowed then and there that my son would not be cheated in this way. He would not be robbed of so critical a part of childhood, something so necessary to building his well-roundedness as a functioning member of society.
He looked up at me, smiling, awaiting my answer – could we ride again?
I looked down at him, determined.
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And then I kicked him in the balls.
–Jacob Michael
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-02-10
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with Universal Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of COUPLES RETREAT on DVD, plus each winner will get a COUPLES RETREAT Beach Mat.
In conjunction with Miramax Home Video, we’re giving away two (2) copies of EVERYBODY’S FINE on DVD.
In conjunction with Docurama Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of THE END OF THE LINE on DVD.
In conjunction with Virgin Records, we’re giving away two (2) copies of ENIGMA: THE PLATINUM COLLECTION.
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Toy News: Venture Bros. Toys Arrive
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Bif Bang Pow! to Produce ’70s Style Action Figures Based on Some of the World’s Most Popular Properties
LOS ANGELES, CA (February 2, 2010) ““ Announcing one of the widest ranges of highly articulated 8-inch retro-style action figures in years. In cooperation with EMCE Toys, Bif Bang Pow!â„¢ is proud to bring the original “’70s style” of play to a brand-new line of articulated action figures based on some of the world’s most popular properties.
Reproductions reminiscent of the best-selling action figures of the 1970s and early 1980s, these highly articulated figures will feature body designs by EMCE Toys. Each 8-inch scale figure will include real cloth clothing and plastic accessories where appropriate. Over 40 licensed action figures are planned for 2010. The first are targeted for an early summer arrival and Comic-Con International: San Diego 2010, with others to follow later in the year. Included are much-demanded characters from:
The Venture Bros.â„¢ (Cartoon Network)
Dexterâ„¢ (Showtime Networks)
Lostâ„¢ (ABC Disney)
The Big Lebowskiâ„¢ (NBC Universal)
The Twilight Zoneâ„¢ (CBS)
Flash Gordonâ„¢ (King Features)
Scott Ian (Anthrax)The Venture Bros.â„¢ creator Jackson Publick, who has been working closely with Bif Bang Pow! to bring these to market, noted that the upcoming figures are “very impressive and extremely faithful to the characters, while also finding a very comfortable middle ground between 2-D and 3-D design. Bif Bang Pow! has deftly solved a number of design problems I thought anyone attempting a 3-D interpretation would get thrown off by. Brock, especially, is going to make the fanboys crap themselves. Let’s show these to the world already!” “We’re very excited about launching this new range of action figures. For the first time in Bif Bang Pow! history, all of our licenses will be living in the same universe. So if you’ve always wanted Dr. Girlfriend to seduce Dexter Morgan, or for Mingâ„¢ the Merciless to fight The Dude, now’s your chance!”, said Jason Lenzi, CEO of Bif Bang Pow! “And the exceptional articulation makes the posing possibilities virtually limitless, which comes in handy for animated characters!”
“The 8-inch format hasn’t seen this breadth of licenses since its peak during the Mego days,” said Joe Sena, President of SphereWerx, corporate parent of the EMCE Toys brand. EMCE partner Paul “Dr. Mego” Clarke added, “It is exactly this intention to mix a variety of characters into imaginative play that started my journey to bring this format back ten years ago. We’re honored that Jason and his team sought us out to ‘Mego-ize’ the licenses he holds.”
Visit bifbangpow.com often for updates, specific character announcements and images. Preorders
begin today for select items at entertainmentearth.com and other fine retailers.Retailers and press can see the first prototypes at New York Toy Fair, February 14-17, 2010, at the EMCE Toys booth #4944.
About Bif Bang Pow!
Bif Bang Pow!â„¢ (bifbangpow.com) produces first-rate collectibles for such popular properties as Dexterâ„¢, Lostâ„¢, Californicationâ„¢, The Venture Bros.â„¢, The Twilight Zoneâ„¢, The Big Lebowskiâ„¢, and Flash Gordonâ„¢. Founder Jason Lenzi is a seasoned television producer and the ultimate fan of cultish pop culture. So when he created his company in 2005, he took the fan’s perspective. His idea was to bring items to the marketplace that he himself would want to own. Cultivated from TV, movies, books, comics, music, and more, Bif Bang Pow!’s mission is to provide high-quality action figures, toys, and collectibles to the massive cult audience (and kids of all ages) that wishes these toys were already in their collection. Bif Bang Pow! is a unit of JLA Direct, LLC.About EMCE Toys
The EMCE Toys brand (pronounced “em-see”) was founded to bring playability back to toys. Inspired by the original action figure company, Mego Corp., we strive to craft quality, durable action figures, playsets, and collectibles that recreate the sense of fun that toys were originally made for. Our launch lines are either licensed reproductions of original Mego toys and packaging, or original creations modeled after the classic lines of the 1970s and early 1980s. EMCE is proud to have the active input and cooperation of Marty Abrams, founder of Mego and father of the modern action figure. We hope to continue to honor his legacy with our work. We have also been honored to incorporate the talents of veteran artist Harold Shull, original illustrator of Mego’s classic and distinctive packaging from the 1970s. As we continue to extend this kind of inclusion of the original Mego teams, we get closer to our goal of bringing Mego back as a viable toy company in all but name. EMCE was created by veteran pop culture entrepreneur Joe Sena, President of SphereWerx, LLC, and craftsman Paul “Dr. Mego” Clarke.
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-01-27
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies each of DOCTOR WHO: THE COMPLETE SPECIALS on Blu-Ray, DOCTOR WHO: THE COMPLETE SPECIALS on DVD, DOCTOR WHO: THE WATERS OF MARS on DVD, and DOCTOR WHO: THE END OF TIME on DVD.
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of NEW TRICKS: SEASON 2 on DVD.
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of JONATHAN CREEK: SEASON 4 on DVD.
In conjunction with FX, we’re giving away five (5) copies of ARCHER posters.
In conjunction with Faber & Faber, we’re giving away four (4) copies of THE QI: BOOK OF THE DEAD.
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Soapbox: Timing Is Everything
Timing Is Everything
A few weeks ago, I was nosing around at a local discount CD shop, looking for deals (preferably of the non-Kelly Clarkson kind). I was just about to make a decision between Dave Matthews’ Under the Table and Waning and Nickelback’s Things That Sound Like Suck, when I spotted him behind the counter, running the cash register. There he was. Late teens, maybe very early twenties. Pale skin. Badly dyed hair. On his gaunt and bony frame he had draped various items of black clothing: a trench coat, a scarf, a t-shirt, loose-fitting jeans with a shiny studded belt. On his wrists he wore thick leather bands, dotted with spikes. His eyelids were encircled with dark eye liner, and around his throat he was wearing a spiked dog collar. His face was covered in numberless piercings, because – I assume – his skull-flesh had at one point become detached and had fallen to the ground, thus forcing him to take appropriate corrective steps by pinning it back on.
His appearance – particularly the spikes and dog collar – reminded me of a joke I once heard, so I decided to lay it on him. Young people enjoy a good joke, right? Why not extend a bit of conviviality, perhaps brighten his day a bit?
I approached the counter, grinning, and waded right into the set-up: “I don’t know how to say this, but … several years ago when I was a reckless young man still in the business of sowing my wild oats, I went to a keg party and got severely drunk.”
He stared, blankly.
Undeterred, I continued: “Yes, well, anyway, in my fully inebriated condition that night, I had carnal relations with a Doberman Pinscher.”
His least metal-laden eyebrow arched upward. Emboldened, I plowed right into the punchline: “I was just noticing your spikes and collar, and … well … I think you might be my son.”
(Silence)
His eyes narrowed. He stared at me and, with apathy thickly slathered over every syllable, said, “Yeah, that’s really f***ing funny.”
So I lunged over the counter, grabbed his eyebrow-ring, jerked his face close to mine, and shouted into his ear, “No, you stupid dick, I’m being serious here, I’ve been looking for you for years – and this is how you treat your father on the day of our long-awaited reunion?! HUH?!?!?! ANSWER ME!!!!”
I didn’t expect him to start bawling like a baby … I guess I just don’t know how to tell a joke. Timing is everything.
–Jacob Michael
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Soapbox: So, AVATAR…
So, AVATAR
James Cameron wanted me to let you know that, in addition to being “the king of the world”, he is now also the king of Pandora. That, of course, is the name given to the moon associated with the planet Polyphemus in Mr. King of the Galaxy’s new movie, Avatar. An Avatar is, as I’m sure you know, the binary and digital equivalent of an “AKA”, which itself is just an acronymic way of saying “I can’t stand on my own two feet, so I’ll adopt a more exciting alter-ego”.In this rather bizarre and “meta” way, Avatar is indeed a real avatar. Pretending to be its own movie, it is, in fact, a fascinating cross-cut blend of several other films, including Ferngully, Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, Apocalypto, and maybe a bit of Braveheart. However, since Avatar dresses up its brazen plagiarism with some absolutely stunning and spectacular digital imagery and special effects, we’ll give it a pass and hand it some awards.
A quick synopsis, then: we Americans are a greedy, unfeeling, insensitive bunch of chunk-heads who have no appreciation whatsoever for other cultures, let alone other planets. We frequently go around with actual dollar signs flashing out of our eye sockets, and we will stop at nothing to make a lot of money very quickly. Thus, the RDA Corporation has set out on a mining expedition to Pandora, where it will blow stuff up, kill innocent life-forms, and generally make a drunken fool of itself in the quest to obtain a valuable mineral called … wait for it … unobtainium. Please, stop laughing, Mr. Cameron can hear you.
One of the ways the RDA Corporation intends to get this unobtanium (genus: nowaytoprocuremal) is to infiltrate the native Na’vi people using “avatars” – a human-Na’vi hybrid, specially built for the purpose, and operated by human beings using slightly upgraded The Matrix technology. Seriously, you jerks, quit laughing, this is serious art.
Jake Scully operates the lone avatar that is successful in being accepted by the Na’vi people, and this forms the basis for the movie’s morality tale: once Jake gets to know and love the Na’vi (because you just know he will), will he remain loyal to the humans and help them rape the land, or will he become a traitor to his race by helping the Na’vi preserve their civilization? I’ll bet you really can’t guess, can you?
I liked the film, in a sort of “3 stars out of 5” way. As promised, the CGI and digital effects show was very good, and the epic battle at the end of the film was as epic-y and battle-ish as anyone could want. My point of contention is that James Cameron carved up an over-used story, threw in some seriously shameless and pedantic political propaganda, and used that as an excuse to put on a digital dog-and-pony show.
The Na’vi prance around in their skimpy outfits, with their long and braided hair, worshiping the Mother Nature Goddess Life Energy Force and living off the resources of the land – and they have a pretty catchy war-cry, to boot. You can go ahead and mentally supply the eagle-feather warbonnets and tomahawk dancing.
As the unapologetically mercenary humans prepare to go to war against the Na’vi, their actions are justified as “pre-emptive”, and described as a “shock and awe” campaign. Jake complains that we humans have already killed our Mother (Earth, I think, although he may have been talking about Mother Teresa), and declares that human beings must be taught that we cannot simply take land away from other civilizations in order to get what we want.
In short, as the climactic battle begins, and the war cry is sounded, the average viewer will be so fired up and emotionally provoked that he may very well leap up out of his theater seat, raise his fists into the air, and scream “DEATH TO THE HUMANS!” Presumably, he will then return to his seat and continue consuming his 885 oz. Pepsi and 50-gallon drum of popcorn, little realizing that he has just sided against his own race in favor of a fictional, digital, alien community.
I fail to understand why James Cameron chose the American people as the antagonists in this film. After all, he was writing a story line that simply needed to pit humans against aliens, but out of all the cultures and races on Planet Earth from which to choose, he selected Americans. Obviously, Mr. Cameron has not watched enough Bugs Bunny or Connery-era 007 films, or he would have known that the nationalities preferred for representing Evil Incarnate in cinema are Russians or Germans.
I can only conclude that James Cameron is himself an alien, currently operating a genetically engineered human avatar, sent here to infiltrate our planet and prepare us for the coming alien invasion by filling us with self-loathing.
Still, he’s doing it with some fantastic special effects, so … who cares? Pass the popcorn.
–Jacob Michael
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-01-20
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with Sideshow Collectibles, we’re giving away THE DEAD: SPECIMENS.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away five (5) copies of THE INVENTION OF LYING on both Blu-Ray & DVD.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away five (5) copies of WHITEOUT on both Blu-Ray & DVD.
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of MI-5: VOLUME 7 on DVD.
In conjunction with Fox Home Video, we’re giving away two (2) copies of WHIP IT on DVD.
In conjunction with Shout Factory Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of PARKER LEWIS CAN’T LOSE: SEASON 2 on DVD.
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Soapbox: Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais, AVATAR, & A Few Other Buzzwords
Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais, AVATAR, & A Few Other Buzzwords
Golden Globes night. I had just cracked open a cold bottle of Paulaner Hefe-Weizen, while recalling my grandfather’s now-legendary words of wisdom: “Just remember, you can’t drink it all – they’ll always make more.” Even now, years later, I see no reason to attempt to prove him wrong.
I was primed for this awards ceremony, having seen Ricky Gervais several days prior on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, where the subject of his hosting the Globes was discussed briefly. More importantly, Gervais made it quite clear in his comments to Conan whose side he was on, and he doesn’t strike me as one to pull any punches. Gervais + Pro-Conan Stance + Hosting an awards show on NBC = a recipe for some potentially (unintentionally?) hilarious disaster.
I was in no way disappointed. Gervais made some comments that made me squirm in my seat and laugh nervously, repeatedly finding a welcome distraction in my wheaty beer (I would drink three bottles before the show finally ended). A small sampling of what I mean:
– In his opening bit, Gervais expressed his concern that NBC might suddenly replace him as the host of the awards, and put Leno in his place (adding at one point, “I’m not used to these sort of viewing figures … neither is NBC, for that matter”). This didn’t get unanimous laughter from the star-studded audience. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky… this is a Hollywood audience. Leno’s been around since before Jim Carrey was doing In Living Color, for cripe’s sake – he’s gotta have more than a few friends in this audience. Nervous laughter.
– The original creative power behind The Office, Gervais complained to the audience that everyone thinks Steve Carrell is the brilliant one, as evidenced by the fact that he gets all the movie deals. He referred to the American version of the show as having “jumped the shark” (literally, “Arthur Fonzarellied”), and promoted the British version of the show on DVD. More nervous laughter.
– Gervais spoke of having flown over on the same flight as Sir Paul McCartney (who was nominated for Best Original Song from a Motion Picture), noting that McCartney flew coach because he was “saving money… he spent an awful lot last year.” Jokes about divorce are rarely funny to the person who just experienced one. Still more nervous laughter.
– Before introducing Mel Gibson, Gervais walked on-stage with a beer, admitted to having “had a few”, then delivered the blow: “I like a drink as much as the next man… unless the next man is Mel Gibson.” Then he left the beer on the podium, thus setting up one of the night’s funnier moments, which came, not from the show itself, but from the Twitter stream: Ken Plume (@KenPlume) quipped, “Ricky even left the drink out for Mel. Now THAT’S a good host.”
Which brings me to my next point: I watched this entire event with my Twitter stream flowing, washing gently over me and keeping me informed, in 140-character quips, about what other people wanted to say about the show. It was like watching the whole thing with a room full of friends, who for some reason would only speak in short sentences, and only all at the same time. Oh well. At least I didn’t have to share my beer with them.
The whole live-tweet experience probably colored my perception of the awards show. There were a few genuinely funny moments in the show itself (see McCartney’s quip, “Animation is not just for children, it is also for a-dults who take drugs”), but most of the laughs that came from me, specifically (as opposed to “you”), were prompted by comments from the tweeple I follow. When Mickey Rourke walked on-stage in a too-large-to-be-taken-seriously cowboy hat, Ricky Gervais refused to poke fun at him (“mainly because he has arms as big as my legs”, he explained). Thankfully, Caissie St. Onge (@Caissie) was there to jab, “I love that Mickey Rourke declined to do banter of any kind. You’re not going to get wittier than that hat”, while Tim Siedell (@badbanana) noted, “Not sure Mickey Rourke knows someone put a hat on him as a joke.”
These were the golden moments of the Golden Globes. It gave me a great idea for future ceremonies: live-streaming Twitter feeds, running constantly on a jumbo-tron in the background. Wouldn’t that be awesome? We could sit in the comfort (read: safety) of our own homes and launch our stream-of-consciousness thoughts directly into the audience. I’m betting that would change a few things about the environment and atmosphere of those shows. Granted, Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk) might have to stop tweeting during those events, but I consider that a net win, really.
It also made me wonder: in what other scenarios might this live-tweeting medium prove to be a major enhancement to the event currently being experienced? Sporting events? Movie premiers? Book readings at the local Tea Society? Papal Vespers?
I don’t know. But I think I’m close to discovering something big here. I’ll let you know when I figure out what it is.
(A quick BTW/PS: I know, this post was about the Golden Globes, and I didn’t say anything about which movies won which awards. It doesn’t really matter. Same amount of shockers, upsets, disappointments, complaints, victories, no-kiddings, and they-deserved-its as last year.)
–Jacob Michael
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Soapbox: FourthMeal, FifthMeal, SixthMeal
FourthMeal, FifthMeal, SixthMeal…
I suppose it’s a sad enough commentary on the state of our current culture that, as I prepare to begin this article by stating that I was recently out for a “FourthMeal” run, I realize there is absolutely no need to explain exactly what “FourthMeal” is. Congratulations, Taco Bell – all of those billions of dollars spent on that ridiculous advertising campaign were dollars well-spent; your nasty little slogan is now part of our common vocabulary.I also wanted to say this: I think the “FourthMeal” branding is incredibly presumptuous. I resent the fact that Taco Bell assumes they know me well enough to make the statement, stamped with a registered trademark no less, that this is my fourth meal of the day. It might only be my third meal of the day, which would explain why I’m running out for fast food at 11:45 PM. Maybe I skipped dinner, and that’s why I’m so desperately hungry that I will actually drive to the nearest Taco Bell and actually order, pay for, and eat their pseudo-Mexi-slop. For that matter, maybe this is my ninth meal of the day. Perhaps I’m shooting for a personal record.
I am somewhat shocked that, these days, nearly every single item available for purchase at Taco Bell comes with a taco on the side. You want a quesadilla combo? That comes with a taco. You want a cheesy bean burrito combo? That, too, comes with a taco. You want a family-size combo-pack of 15 tacos? Here, have a taco with that.
When the time comes for the helpful sales associate to process your order, they are required by Federal Law to ask you, “Would you like a hard or soft taco with that?” This is where I get a bit antsy, as a consumer. I’ve already sat in line at the drive-thru and fearfully, anxiously weighed my menu options for a solid 15 minutes – not because I wanted to wait that long, but because that’s how long it took for this well-oiled, “fast”-food machine to process the order of the guy in front of me. By this point in the chronology of events, I’ve already come to several food-based crossroads, and I’ve moved on: I know which of the fifteen combo meals I want, I know which beverage (regular or diet) I would like to accompany that combo, I know whether I will go with steak, chicken, or beef in my “Supreme” (not “Baja”) Gordita (not Chalupa), I know what size I want, and I know which sauces I want on top of it all.
Do you really need to pressure with this “hard-or-soft-taco” decision now?!
Does it really even matter? We’re talking about the exact same internal contents in either case: some ground beef, a sprinkling of lettuce, a small ration of finely diced tomatoes, exactly seven cheese shavings, and a tiny plop of sour cream (yes, the standard Taco Bell unit of measure for sour cream is indeed the “plop” – look it up). The only difference between the hard or soft taco, then, is the flexibility of the wrapper around the taco-y center. Will it be brittle and dry, or will it be soft and moist? Either way, is it really going to drastically impact the overall enjoyment I will derive from the combo meal as a whole? I strongly doubt it. Do I intend to do anything with this edible taco wrapper that may or may not result in personal injury, based on its durability or texture? Perhaps, but not likely.
So I like to let the helpful sales associate choose for me. That’s one less thing they can screw up (although, I will not be terribly surprised if this one day happens to me). “Hard or soft taco?” “It’s your call, man.” I’m pretty easy going when it comes to my fast-food, precisely because it is just that: fast-food. This isn’t a formal outing, there are no culinary critics involved, and none of the menu items include fancy French sounds (such as words ending in -eaux, or words beginning with D’– or L’-). I didn’t put on a coat and tie for the occasion, nor did I bring a vintage bottle of cabinet reserve to accompany my “FourthMeal”.
On the contrary, I pre-resigned myself to ordering food from a place that actually spent marketing dollars on the concept of a late-night munchie-run. I fully expect the food-product that gets handed to me in a plastic bag through a tiny glass window by a minimum wage associate named “Chip” – food-product that is, I remind you, accompanied by paper-towel napkins and occasionally packaged in a cardboard box – to be heavy on functionality, and light on aesthetics. Put simply: I expect to cram this crap down my gullet in order to quiet the growl in my belly, not to experience taste-bud nirvana.
Which is why I will never understand those people who treat the drive-thru encounter as though it were akin to dining out at the Olive Garden. You know the type: the person who drives up to the little metal ordering-box and asks for the Big Hombre combo (all 38 pieces), grande-sizes the hell out of it, but then demands to have the tomatoes on the side, the sour cream swapped out for ranch dressing, nacho cheese instead of the pepper-jack, no “zowie” sauce, and two empty tortilla shells instead of the baggie of chips.
To this individual, I calmly say: please consider your %$!!@%$! surroundings and do a much-needed reality check. The franchise from which you are currently ordering your late-night sustenance has three large tubs in the back storage area, filled with ground meat-product, cheese-product, and some kind of damp “veggie” mix. The 74 menu items you see are simply a series of variations made up of ingredients drawn from these three tubs, rearranged in inventive ways for marketing purposes. You should consider yourself lucky that they don’t just dump the whole sloppy mess straight into the plastic bag, and hand it over to you with a spork and a friendly “good luck, Señor.”
Now… If you’ll pardon me, I need to go back to Taco Bell and complain. They put jalapeño sauce on my quesadilla and forgot to add fresh onions, again.
-Jacob Michael
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-01-13
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with Sideshow Collectibles, we’re giving away a SHE-HULK Premium Format Figure.
In conjunction with Shout Factory, we’re giving away five (5) copies of KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS on DVD.
In conjunction with Shout Factory, we’re giving away three (3) copies of THIRTYSOMETHING: SEASON 2 on DVD.
In conjunction with Lionsgate, we’re giving away three (3) copies of GAMER on DVD.
In conjunction with Lionsgate, we’re giving away three (3) copies of WEEDS: SEASON 5 on DVD.
In conjunction with Lionsgate, we’re giving away three (3) copies of SMOKIN’ ACES 2: ASSASSINS’ BALL on DVD, plus SMOKIN’ ACES water bottles.
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of RETURN TO CRANFORD and one (1) grand prize copy of THE CRANFORD COLLECTION on DVD.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of DALLAS: SEASON 12 on DVD.
In conjunction with Warner Bros. Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of THE WALTONS MOVIE COLLECTION on DVD.
In conjunction with It Books, we’re giving away five (5) copies of HEADS ON AND WE SHOOT: THE MAKING OF WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE.
In conjunction with Cartoon Network, we’re giving away three (3) copies of BAKUGAN: VOLUME 6 on DVD.
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Contest Round-Up: 2010-01-06
Welcome to our weekly round-up of featured giveaways here at FRED. Every Wednesday, we’ll present a new clutch of DVDs, books, and other cool stuff you can take a shot at winning. All you have to do is click on the graphics below to be taken to their respective contest pages. And good luck!
In conjunction with Sideshow Collectibles, we’re giving away an ELVIS PRESLEY Premium Format Figure.
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) sets of TOP GEAR: SEASON 11 and TOP GEAR: SEASON 12 on DVD.
In conjunction with Shout Factory, we’re giving away three (3) copies of TRANSFORMERS: SEASON 2 VOLUME 2 on DVD.
In conjunction with BBC Home Video, we’re giving away three (3) copies of ROBIN HOOD: SEASON 3 on DVD.
In conjunction with Fox Home Video, we’re giving away two (2) copies of THE SIMPSONS: SEASON 20 on DVD.