Author: UncaScroogeMcD

  • Scrubs Blog: Bill Lawrence Interview

     

    scrubsheader1.jpg

    -By Ken Plume

    A few weeks back, we got the chance to catch up with Scrubs‘ creator/executive producer Bill Lawrence. Not only did we chat about the upcoming 6th (and final?) season, but also about the internet-driven resurrection of his pilot (with Neil Goldman & Garrett Donovan), Nobody’s Watching. Since we spoke, NBC has revived Nobody’s Watching for a series of webisodes that could eventually lead to a slot on the network’s schedule.

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    billlawrence.jpgKEN PLUME: I guess you’ve got a new appreciation for the internet now.

    BILL LAWRENCE: I do, man. That’s what I’ve been spending all my time on, is trying to re-launch that show.

    KP: So, who isn’t talking to you about that story at this point?

    LAWRENCE: (laughing) You know what I think?  I think it must be that people are poised, ready, and looking for some way that the internet has a direct effect on television and entertainment, because so many people wanted to do this story – and what was fascinating about it was that everybody had their own specific angle, as if it was holstered up and waiting, you know?

    KP: The zeitgeist of it all.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, it’s that, and it’s also people that A) want to write articles about the demise of network television or B), how networks are always behind the trends or C) how testing is really archaic and doesn’t work.

    KP: So what’s the biggest agenda that keeps presenting itself?  What’s the one that recurs more often in the conversation?

    LAWRENCE: The one that recurs the most out here is people wanting to as always write a slanted article towards how dumb network executives are. And so that’s the minefield I have to be careful about.

    KP: That’s a rather awkward thing for you to deal with.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, ’cause it’s always, you know, “These guys don’t have opinions of their own and they pass over shit that’s good.”  So many stories have come at me from this angle about, “Here’s a pilot that – just because of the internet – has now been well reviewed by most of the top critics in the country, and yet the WB put on ‘this’ instead.  How dumb is David Janollari?” And you’re like, “Ha ha.  I don’t know what I want to say about that.”

    KP: Well, let’s see, can we talk about this over here?

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, I know. Exactly. So that’s always the diciest one.

    KP: There’s an irony in the pilot itself.  You could say that the entire future of these two characters was actually created by a forward-thinking network executive.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah! (laughing) And by the way, the premise is so… god, I use the word ‘meta’ just ’cause other people have, too. It makes our head spin sometimes, ’cause obviously, you know, when we get to redo the show we’re gonna make the internet, what’s been going on here, a component of it. The only thing that we didn’t do in that original pilot is the power of viral video. The internet doesn’t exist in the pilot that’s on YouTube, and when we get to make it again for network, we’ll probably add that element.

    KP: You have professed in the past to not be terribly net savvy…

    LAWRENCE: You know what dragged me in, is this. Without a doubt, the best thing for me is working on a comedy staff in which there’s people in here ranging from age 24 to age… to me.

    KP: You’re talking like an old man.

    LAWRENCE: There you go, exactly. But the reality of comedy rooms right now is that even if you’re an internet neophyte like myself, the day starts with people sharing viral stuff and funny stuff they’ve seen online and printouts of articles that they’ve read, and so even I have gotten to the point that I’m texting people back and forth with my phone. I’ve been dragged kicking and screaming into this century, and I would even say on some level, one of the reasons that we took so long to do this with Nobody’s Watching, is that it felt like serendipity.  You know, because if someone had put Nobody’s Watching on YouTube before I had witnessed first hand how quickly these things spread – like with “Lazy Sunday” and everything like that – I would have never personally had the foresight to call up a publicist, hire them, and say, “Hey, someone put this on YouTube. Can we generate some heat behind it and see what happens?”  So in that sense, I’m glad it didn’t happen until now.

    KP: Well, next thing you’ll be talking about them bringing in their rock and roll and their pong and their tab collars…

    LAWRENCE: I was dragged kicking and screaming.  You know what the problem was? I gotta tell you, one of the reasons I hid so much from the internet is – and I think that it’s dangerous for like-minded personalities like myself – I’ve gone almost overnight from somebody that, you know, doesn’t spend a lot of time doing that to somebody who’s wife had to go into the family room last night at 4 in the morning and lecture him to stop playing hearts with people.  You know what I mean? Because for an obsessive personality, it’s endless 24-hour entertainment, whether it’s watching shit or actually playing your favorite card game against a bunch of people that you can talk smack as you go against them.  It’s not a healthy thing for me if I want to spend any time with my children.

    KP: You’ve pretty much reached 1995, is what you’re saying.

    LAWRENCE: Exactly.

    KP: But Christa’s pretty net savvy, isn’t she?

    LAWRENCE: Christa, my wife, is obsessed – and that’s why it’s available to me. One of our couple arguments is that once the kids are down, her unwinding – especially being a music freak – is all about her updating her library and searching for music.  For me to be such an idiot, we don’t even have a stereo in our house. It’s all played from my wife’s computer.

    KP: But that’s just practical.  When you have that many songs, you can’t put them on CD anymore.

    LAWRENCE: No, exactly, and the funniest part of it now, too, is that not only is this thing a huge time suck for me, ’cause I’m sucked in, but it’s opened up a whole new topic for my wife and I to argue about, because now that I actually know how to do this and how to use it, I suddenly think I should have a say in what music we play – all the stuff that was working smoothly before because I didn’t know how to do it is now causing semi-serious marital stress!

    KP: So you’re getting all uppity now is what you’re saying.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, man, you know – like before, Christa would jokingly say, “Yeah, go ahead, do whatever you want…” and I’d be like, “I don’t know how.”

    KP: “Where’s the button?”

    LAWRENCE: Exactly.

    KP: You talked about hearts – what other addictive things have you found? What’s the website you can’t not hit?

    LAWRENCE: You know what the biggest thing for me was, there’s not only YouTube, but there’s another one – you know Break?

    KP: Yes.

    LAWRENCE: I think one of the scary things about a comedy writer is if you’re successful, you start to get so removed from your real life, and that’s when you start to run into people going, “Hey, I saw this episode of Friends two years ago, you could do a story like that.”

    KP: Isn’t that the case of any creative person, where you run the risk of reaching a disconnect?

    LAWRENCE: I think it is.  It’s why I was so impressed by Mel Brooks being able to do The Producers. You know, to stay current, ’cause I think there’s a period when he was hip and so funny and then people were like, “Oh, this is getting hacky and dated,” and then he made a comeback, which is so cool.  And for me personally, everything that I’m drawn to – aside from playing hearts and poker and wasting time – is about going to websites and seeing the shit that has grabbed the public zeitgeist, comedy-wise.  Not only is it hysterical, but it’s actually kind of an angle for me of what people are cracking up about now.

    KP: Do you find that it’s a constant concern, particularly when you’re on a long running show, that you can become cocooned within that writers’ room, and just producing that show?

    LAWRENCE: I think it’s a long-running concern – not so much specifically even with the show, but with what you do for a living… which is, you know, if you’re successful as a comedy writer, the inevitability is you lose touch with reality simply out of financial success, and spending 99% of your time around Hollywood people who, let’s face it, aren’t the rest of the world. I got that lesson once in a really valuable way from a friend of mine. I told him that he should go see the movie The Player, and he had kids at the time, and he had to get a sitter for his night out.  I loved that movie.  And the next day, I played a message on my message machine, and it was just him going, ‘Hey – fuck you.”  And I’m like, “What do you mean? I love that movie!”  He goes, “Look, pass this around to your friends.  Nobody but you guys gives a fuck about movies about movies.  And no one cares about TV shows about TV shows except you.”  And I was thinking about it, and over the years, my favorite show – like, I loved Larry Sanders.  One of my favorite shows on Earth. I really stayed tight with my friends that aren’t in the entertainment industry back on the east coast, and none of them watched it. So the reality is the cocoon thing is much wider than just your show.  It’s that you become so detached in success and in what you do for a living out here. The clichés exist for a reason.  People sitting around at dinners and talking about nothing except who’s in what movie, and how much that movie made and who’s doing what project.  One of the cool things about the internet is it’s immediate gratification on seeing not only what’s going on in the world, if you’re news minded, but what’s making people laugh.  We were talking about shit like that today. I went on Giant Magazine, which has a list of top ten viral videos right now, and there’s one that it’s just a fuckin’ animated banana singing this song, “It’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Time.”  And I now have to play that for half an hour chunks for my kid to dance.  That’s A.  And B, one of the things we got – which is interesting because I watch so much TV – is a show that I would never watch, but the Maury Povich show has this one hilarious clip in which… it’s everything that’s wrong with television, and it’s all over the internet, which is they bring a guy on who a woman claims to be the father of her unborn baby, and they give a DNA test to him.  On the Maury Povich Show, they make a big moment, almost like the Oscars’ “and the winner is,” and it’s basically, “And anyways, we’re here – live – to tell you that you are… not the father.”  And then the guy starts, in an impromptu way, to do this giant exuberant dance as the audience claps for him while his wife is inconsolably crying in the background. And it is so painful, and so painful and funny to watch, that we’re immediately like, “How could we do something that inappropriate on this show?” and trying to figure out how to essentially crib it, you know?

    KP: Give an end zone dance to an inappropriate moment?

    LAWRENCE: Exactly.  I gotta tell you man, it’s partly… it’s due to you guys.  The first time I realized the power of this stuff, because I obviously was a neophyte, was the boost that Scrubs got when we did that air band thing and Turk dancing, and how quickly it spread, in many ways stemming from the site that you were working on for us, and it just was kind of a shocking to me. We got more feedback on that from people that hadn’t seen the show that were like, “Oh, I’m gonna check this out.” And I’m like, “Wow.” It’s weird… even more than just somebody catching a TV show and the old traditional water cooler word of mouth, you know, one of the most downloaded things on the NBC site was Donald Faison lip-synching and dancing to the Poison song. It went everywhere.

    KP: It was a surreal moment getting that phone call shortly after you guys came back in January, from Randall (Winston, executive producer), calling to thank me because he believed that there was a ratings boost, and not the deterioration that NBC thought would be there, because of the blog.

    LAWRENCE: I wholeheartedly think so.  The other thing that I’m watching now, with an eye toward business, is the guys at Lost, who I think are really savvy, and are turning this kind of into the “Lost experience.”  You know, ’cause the traditional summer reruns – which keep people hooked on their favorite shows by tuning into the ones they missed and re-watching the ones they loved – is gone. It’s been replaced by reality TV and by people – you know, they don’t need a rerun when they can just purchase it on ITunes.  And the fact that these guys at Lost are making this very savvy effort to keep the show progressing and alive and the interest piqued on the internet is just fantastic to me. And it’s one of those things that really feels like a trend that if TV falls behind it and doesn’t take advantage of it and ends up chasing its tail like it usually does – you know, ’cause television has a long, long, long pattern of trend chasing… “Hey, Friends worked – let’s see seven copies of Friends“… long after people are sick of that. But it seems like, for a change, that TV is catching on when it needs to.

    KP: I think it’s the very nature of the way the internet is, in that nothing dies.  There’s work that someone might have done 30 years ago that will suddenly appear as a clip.  It’s like trading baseball cards.  Count yourself lucky you haven’t discovered BitTorrent yet…. which I know some of the guys in your office have.

    LAWRENCE: Yes, they have. I feel right now – which is cracking me up – that my wife, computer, and my TIVO are in a weird battle for my attention.

    KP: When are you having that showdown?

    LAWRENCE: I know, exactly, right?

    KP: You know, you have characters now that are gonna be entering that. You have Turk and Carla about to enter that whole arena…

    LAWRENCE: Yes.

    KP: Maybe now is the time to actually launch the storyline about him setting up that web page.

    LAWRENCE: That would be funny…

    KP: But there is a power to what happened with Nobody’s Watching. You’ve said in the past that you know who leaked it.

    LAWRENCE: Oh yeah… Yeah.

    KP: It’s that power that someone can now wield to essentially say, “No, I’m not taking this lying down – I’m gonna go and take it to the people.”

    LAWRENCE: Well, there’s two things.  One is that you would not believe, in television especially, that if your show gets rejected – no matter what the quality of it – it has, in the past, been such a brick wall.  And I’ll tell you why – and it’s what’s fascinating – is executives have such a short life span.  They really gotta be protective… you know, they have families, too, and they have to protect their jobs as much as they can. And one of the things that we ran into with Nobody’s Watching that I’ve never experienced before… and when I say this, I’m not being self-aggrandizing, because I made plenty of pilots that, if they turned up on YouTube, it would make me miserable, because it would make me look like I don’t know what I’m doing…

    KP: Come on, you’ve got to name one!

    LAWRENCE: I’m not gonna happily name the shows that I did that sucked.

    KP: Don’t worry, they’re probably already out there.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, I was about to say.  Well, that’s the other good thing, man, is that it’s not… I think eventually, not only me, but other people get burned, too, ’cause it’s not a Shangri-la, man.  People do not pull their punches on the internet.  That’s one of the things I like about it.  But the really weird experience with television is – so we made this pilot, we thought it was really good, we thought it was going on, they flew us out there, all that shit. And when they said no, we turned our attention to using what little clout we had to get them to release it to us so that we could put it on elsewhere, thinking… you know, “What’s fine about this is, yeah, it’s not gonna be on the WB.  Who gives a shit, ’cause so many people have said that they liked this show.  Different networks, network presidents, etc., and the trades said it was the hot pilot, and all that stuff.  This’ll be cool ’cause we’ll just get to put it on whoever wants to pay the most money for it.”  And what we ran into was this kinda archaic system out here that once your show’s been rejected, people are very candid in saying, “Hey man, look, the odds of a TV show succeeding, even if they’re good, are so slim, that as an executive I can’t fail with a TV show that wasn’t even good enough for the WB, because if it does anything other than becomes a hit, I’m gonna look like an idiot.”  So we ran into this weird wall of other networks going, “Yeah, you know, this is a funny show, I might like it, but if I put it on and it doesn’t work, whoever’s going after my job is gonna be saying, ‘This idiot spent millions of dollars on a show that wasn’t even good enough for the WB to pick up.’”  And while it’s understandable, it was very frustrating.  And so, many people – even our agents – reached the point that they were like, “Will you guys stop with this thing, it’s dead.  This is how TV works.”

    KP: It’s got the scarlet letter upon it.

    LAWRENCE: And so this all happened for us, that once somebody put it on YouTube, our initial reaction was like, “There’s like 4,000 people in the first week.” And we would go on there and we read comments, and it was just nice, slight vindication, because people didn’t have the same notes that the WB had.  They didn’t have the same response and we felt like, “Hey, look, we aren’t idiots.  A lot of people like this.” And then we sat around, and what motivated us to hire a publicity firm was the sole desire of going, “Hey, let’s see if we can find a way that it wouldn’t be stupid for a network president to take a chance on this show.”

    KP: A way to save face…

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.  Because to tell you the truth, the reason that this archaic testing… you know how they test TV shows – they take it out to the valley and they sequester 40 people that they give $50 to, and ask them leading questions about a show…

    KP: So it’s jury duty.

    LAWRENCE: There’s no correlation between good testing and success or bad testing and failure. You know, one of the things that all TV writers like to talk about, Seinfeld, was one of the lowest testing pilots ever. One of the highest testing pilots on NBC, the highest testing pilot on NBC that year that Scrubs premiered, was Emeril.  You know, and so you’re like, “Well, if everybody knows it doesn’t correlate to success or failure, why do we do it?” And the reason that they do it is to justify decisions.  You know?

    KP: So they have a fall back.

    LAWRENCE: “Why’d you put it on?”  “Look at the testing. The testing was through the roof.”  “Hey, this show’s really good – why didn’t you put it on?”  “Well, the testing sucked.  No one’s gonna like it.”  And so we came to the conclusion, if testing really exists for the reason of justifying decisions – giving people the opportunity to save face – stirring up some publicity about this and seeing what reviewers and people really think is such a better form of testing.  And that was our motivation in the first place. I think, “Why wouldn’t the network take their comedy pilots and their drama pilots and put them on a website and let the people decide which are the best ones to put on TV in the fall?”

    KP: What were the notes that you got from the WB?

    LAWRENCE: Well, here’s the best thing for us. I’ll say it now, even though most of the comments on YouTube were positive, there was a lot of negative critique that’s so much more valuable than the fake testing notes.  Like, the biggest note we got from the WB that was one of the issues that they said for ultimately not picking the show up, was it was way too complicated a premise.  Impossible for the viewing public to understand.  So much so… and by the way, when you’re a writer, all you want to do is get your show on, so you start to believe this.  “Wow, it’s so confusing!”  We didn’t have any money to make a credit sequence.  We were gonna make a credit sequence that explains the entire pilot, to try and calm the network’s fears – so, like, “Look!  Every week in the credits we explain to everybody how this show works!”  And we didn’t have the money to do it, so if you look at that bootlegged copy on YouTube, after the cold open there’s this black card that says, “Very cool explanatory credit sequence to come later.”  And then we looked through the 9,000 some odd… and by the way, we ready every one of them… You know, the 9,000 some odd critiques and comments on YouTube, and not one said, “Wow, this is too confusing.  I didn’t understand it.”

    KP: In fact, they probably all thought the title card was a joke.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.  And nobody had any problem following it. In fact, I would even say, to take it further, that testing 50 people that are actually willing to give up their Friday or Saturday to sit in a room in the Valley for 50 bucks and talk about a TV show – I don’t think that’s your viewing audience.  I think testing from people that have taken the time to download something and watch 27 minutes of it and then talk about it is so much more true and valuable that we actually… to be candid, there’s a couple of negative through lines… there’s a couple of negative criticisms that we saw in numerous comments, even from people that liked the show, that actually meant something to us, and when we get to do this again we’re gonna address them.  The main one being, if you read a lot of them, even the people that really liked the show responded to the kind of loose style, in that it seemed kind of improvy and, like The Office, that people were not really acting and ad-libbing, and they all responded negatively to the one or two little sections that seemed very overly scripted like a sitcom. And that makes some sense.  It’s supposed to be a hip, edgy, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants show, and when we redo this pilot, we’re gonna take those scenes and make them less scripted and let the actors riff with the audience more, and kind of not be in that traditional sitcom dialogue format.

    KP: If there’s one criticism that I had of it, it was exactly that.  I loved the premise, it just it seemed almost like it was too similar to what you were making fun of at the beginning, with According to Jim, or those type of shows.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.

    KP: I mean, Larry Sanders really is your perfect model for that in-front-of-the-camera sort of thing, in that you have these two different worlds that are the same world.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.

    KP: And Nobody’s Watching didn’t seem like it had that looseness.

    LAWRENCE: And there’s two scenes in particular… and the amazing thing is, when you change a pilot – you change like one, two big things and the whole thing changes.  And for us, there’s two big scenes that were on the soundstage shot multi-camera style that were very scripted, and that the guys… ’cause if you look at some of the scenes that we shot later and the single camera stuff where we let all the actors riff, and the scenes that the actors are obviously ad-libbing, turning to the audience and saying, you know, screaming “You tell me” and stuff like that…  That stuff really works, and the scenes that seem incredibly like, “Wow, that could have been taken from any sitcom…” will go away.

    KP: Honestly, one of the things I was really hoping for, a show that I loved and I hoped this would sort of be a new spin on that, was It’s Gary Shandling’s Show. 

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.

    KP: It’s so close, yet different from that – but still using the hip awareness of the fact that anyone can be a TV star today.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah. Which is true, by the way.

    KP: Again, look at YouTube. Anyone can be a sensation.

    LAWRENCE: Not only that, but that most reality shows are comedies. If you watch the most successful reality shows – when people say, “Wow, there’s a great cast on Survivor…” translation: “There’s a crazy guy and the dynamic with him and the other people and the dialogue they have, while very real, is incredibly funny.”  Because otherwise no one’s interested.

    KP: I can imagine, in a future episode, meeting the mad editor who has to put together this mess for air.

    LAWRENCE: Oh, without a doubt.

    KP: That was the only thing that struck me in the thing, was that it just seemed very mannered, wen obviously you could tell the actors were waiting to break out, and you, the writers, were trying to break out.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah. But one of the cool things about this, too, is I find that that information that I got from real people responding is so much more valuable than the bullshit stuff. If you read network testing, it’s “He’s not handsome enough.”  “I don’t like her hair.”  “It’s complicated.” It’s all bullshit, you know, and it’s stuff that real TV viewers don’t care about.

    KP: Also, there’s performance anxiety, I’m sure, for people who are paid 50 bucks and think “Oh, well, I can have an opinion on everything. I might as well nitpick.”

    LAWRENCE: There’s also, you know – I mean, this is me being a biased TV producer – the other thing that people traditionally use testing for is you get in a standoff with the network… “I think that this actor sucks,” and I say, “I think this actor’s really good,” and then they’ll go to testing, and if you’re there, the guy will go, “Yeah, but isn’t this actor not great when it comes to the emotional stuff?”  Well, basically they ask questions to support the things that they already believe.  And it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    KP: What kind of criticism is more damaging to you?  What really is like a knife to you?

    LAWRENCE: Oh shit… You know what? I think I’ve reached the point that very specific criticism doesn’t… it’s really hard for me, ’cause the stuff doesn’t really hurt my feelings anymore.  I think the only thing that could really get me is if something that I believed had merit – like I never thought Nobody’s Watching was perfect, but man, I will gladly put it up next to every single new show that was picked up that year, comedies… none of which survived, mind you.  Except maybe the War at Home.

    KP: I think that’s walking wounded.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, and I’d be confident that people like yourself, even if they had issues with it, would go, “Well, that’s one of the best of those.”

    KP: Well that’s the other thing about the mentality today, is that there’s not even time allowed for a show to evolve.

    LAWRENCE: Not only that – what we’re talking about is even before that, you know, when I was talking about the death of a sitcom – this is what’s amazing to me…  As a writer, if you do a play, you workshop it – you’ll take it to a regional place, you’ll write new scenes, you’ll add a new act break, you’ll change dialogue, you keep going, and then when it’s ready, you fuckin’ put it on Broadway. You know what I mean?

    KP: Right.

    LAWRENCE: A pilot… and even movies now, by the way, ’cause I was just doing this with one… You’ll rewrite it, you’ll rewrite it, you’ll cast it, you’ll shoot it.  If it doesn’t work, they’ll put more money into it and go shoot new endings and a new thing and a new this and a new that.  With TV shows, you make it – and say that the network, for whatever reason, goes, “You know what? This pilot doesn’t really work for us.”  There’s never an opportunity to go next year, “Hey, remember that thing last year that I did that no one’s ever seen? You liked this actor, you liked a lot about it, you thought this worked.  I have been continuing to work on this and I think it’s a lot better now, and would like to have that be my show.”  You will never get a yes.  The answer is always, “Yeah, that’s dead.”  And it’s amazing to me that they would rather spend their money on, instead, “Why don’t you give us a new idea that we haven’t seen the actors, and we haven’t seen anything, and we don’t know how it’s gonna turn out at all.”  I would think that the one that they thought had some good stuff about it is much further along and it has a better shot at being great, you know what I mean?

    KP: Right – if you’re gonna give a shot anyway, why not let be the one that already has a good chunk of work done?

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.  I mean, I’m looking at this with Nobody’s Watching.  Here’s an example: NBC studios signed both Neil & Garrett, the guys that wrote it with me, and one of the lead actors of it, to holding deals because they liked them so much from this pilot. And so my attitude is like, “If you guys like these guys so much from this show that didn’t get on the WB, but you personally liked it so much that you’re gonna invest millions of dollars in these three guys to work for your company from now on, why wouldn’t you want us to continue working on this show that made such a great impression on you?”  “Well, ’cause the WB rejected it.” It’s very weird, man, and that was all before the internet helped us out.

    KP: So what are you hearing now, post-internet?

    LAWRENCE: Well, I’m gonna get this show on television, you know?  We’ll find out if it’s on NBC on Thursday.  Kevin Riley’s coming back from vacation.  He’s been very supportive and cool and keeps moving the meeting up as more and more press happens.  We keep getting calls going, “Okay, instead of next week, it’s now the day I get back.” And the funniest thing – because I’ve pitched tons of TV shows before – I’m going to the network president on Thursday to talk about whether or not we’re going to do this show, but I’m going to be late because I’m on CNN Showbiz Tonight and then Neil is gonna have to leave early ’cause he and the cast are on the Carson Daley show.  Which is hysterical to me. 

    KP: At this point, just to get the original cast, you need a character death on Prison Break.

    LAWRENCE: Exactly – but you know what?  To me, like when you talk about really expanding… ’cause I simply held back in some things creatively because we had been convinced it’s so confusing.  But fuck that, you know? I mean, I wouldn’t change the character, I’d keep him in the pilot.  Anybody that’s on a show is allowed to do three guest spots.  I’ll have him do his three guest spots on this show, and if we can’t work something out with Prison Break or his character hasn’t died or if that show’s still on, then instead of Jeff Tucker it’ll be Kevin Smiley.  They’ll hire somebody new. It’ll get promoted upwards.

    KP: In fact, that can be your first internet tie-in – Find The New Friend.

    LAWRENCE: Exactly….

    KP: Send in your YouTube videos…

    LAWRENCE: Without a doubt.  If you’re really gonna expand the premise, I think you gotta just look at it that as long as those two guys that are buddies in real life are the core of this and this is really just a buddy show, who gives a shit about all that other stuff.  I think that’s part of the fun – letting people help us make creative decisions.

    KP: And the existing pilot is essentially a pilot for whatever the next iteration is.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, without a doubt.

    KP: It’s not gospel at this point…

    LAWRENCE: No, not at all.

    KP: When you look at what’s possible with the internet now, has it changed your thinking in how you approach work?

    LAWRENCE: It has, because I think that… and I was guilty of this as well, but I think that network television has been too many years of people crossing their fingers and going, “Gosh, man, I hope the networks get huge again.”  And A, that’s not gonna happen.  My father has 160 channels.  That’s one sign.  The other sign is every young kid in my family – they don’t even have the same background. Like, when I was a kid, all I remember was the three big networks.  You’re watching CBS on Monday nights.  Kids don’t even have a concept of the big networks.  The younger people, if the show they like is on Discovery, they’re watching Discovery. If it’s on Comedy Central, they’re watching Comedy Central.  They don’t differentiate between network TV and their 150 channels.

    KP: It’s just numbers on the box…

    LAWRENCE: Right.  And because of that, the cool thing about there being so many different outlets for media is that there’s so many different opportunities for creators and people and writers and actors and performers to do stuff. The down side is that the burden of getting people to check out your show initially, which is 90% of the battle.  Your show’s survival is on two things – people coming to it initially, and then they stay based on quality.  In the old days of network TV, getting people to come to your show initially was by however well they promoted it on their own network – “Hey, Must See Tuesdays on NBC!”  That’s over.

    KP: You can’t assume that anyone’s watching the network to see those.

    LAWRENCE:  You can’t.  And you can’t assume that, with so many options, that there’s any synergy left between, “Hey, the people that like Scrubs are also gonna like this weird show on another night and we’ll promote Scrubs then and that’ll make them watch…” It doesn’t work that way anymore.

    KP: But that’s where the net steps in.

    LAWRENCE: Yes.  That’s also a clear example of why the most successful promotion for Scrubs and the most successful lead in for Scrubs was when we aired back-to-back episodes.  You know, because the only correlation that worked was, “Hey, look, people that like Scrubs also like Scrubs.”

    KP: Took them how many years – five years to figure that out?  I have to admit, I was quite happy about that… because I had run up against a lot of problems trying to pitch the idea of doing the Scrubs blog, internally.

    LAWRENCE: Yes.

    KP: So it was kind of wing and a prayer, believing it would work, in spite of the company going “Well, whatever.  Whatever you want to do. We’re not gonna pay you anything for it.”  So it was a labor of love. Luckily, you latched onto it and everyone there, like gangbusters, latched onto it.  And I hope everyone had a good time doing it.

    LAWRENCE: You were so cool, by the way.

    KP: I’m glad it took off the way it did.  One of the big things, when you talk about maintaining a through line, was to try and get a clutch of material to carry through the summer. We’ve been running the audio commentaries that you guys did pre-break, to keep Scrubs out there.  To keep a through line where people see that the show is not gone in any way.

    LAWRENCE: This is gonna sound delinquent, but we actually… the meeting we had right before lunch, and why I was a little late on the phone call, was partly ’cause I saw that I was talking to you today – and it was me taking the blame – but I sat down with the writing staff and said, “Guys, I’ve slightly dropped the ball, because I’ve concentrated so much both online and publicity-wise on the presence of Nobody’s Watching, that we had a big rally cry today to make sure that we don’t drop the ball on keeping Scrubs alive for the next few months ’til it comes back on TV.” Not only that, we hired a group of young savvy people… I mean really young for us, early 20s, that are so into this and came to the show with such quirky ideas about stuff, that we’re also planning on coming up with some fun content, too, even if it’s just… it’s very weird.  Part of the thing that we’re taking advantage of here, Ken, is that when I first started, you just had to be funny in college and you would come out here and get a comedy writing job. And now there’s so few comedy writing jobs… and all you would do is write a spec script and go be funny in a meeting and hopefully get work.  But now, these kids that I was hiring, they all have their own things on MySpace, they all make their own short films, they all trade these videos that they do. They’re so active in this, it’s one of the reasons we brought them into it.

    KP: When you look at it, on the Scrubs blog side of it, what do you see as the major push a year into it, as what to what we should concentrate on?

    LAWRENCE: For me right now, you know, the biggest thing that we’re gonna do is… this is gonna sound too general, ’cause I’m gonna try and sound too clever… I just want to make sure that everybody knows A, you know, that the show’s still alive, and we’re still aggressive about it, and then B, the thing that we’re considering here is really selling that this is the last year. 

    KP: Right.

    LAWRENCE: You know, because, quite honestly, if that changed, I think fans would be happy, but we’re going in towards the writing staff thinking about “It’s the last year,” and so because of that, a lot of the stuff that we’re talking about ranges from how should we end this stuff up, you know? How does this show finish, where are we taking these characters – to be a retrospective thing, since it’s the last year… What were our favorite moments? What were our favorite jokes? What were our favorite things… you know what I mean?  And I think that’s kind of… I think it’s a thing that the people that are big enough fans to go onto the blog and check it out will respond to.

    KP: The thing is, when you look at that, it’s gonna be an impossible task to try and reassemble the group after the fact.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.

    KP: But while everyone’s there, that’s the time to really grab all the stuff, grab all the recollections…

    LAWRENCE: And that’s what I thought would be cool, because if you notice, we got the idea ’cause sometimes shows that are doing DVDs way after the fact… like, Seinfeld ran into this big issue, that the DVDs became big after they were gone, and then they were trying to get all these people come back and talk about what moments they loved, and it was tough because they were already so removed from it.

    KP: Right.  You don’t get that visceral impact.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah. For us, with this immediate internet presence… to me, to be shooting little videos of cast members talking about – “Is it weird that this might be the start to the last year?  How does it make you feel going into this?  How are you…” I think that’s kind of cool to actually watch that as it happens, rather than in the past, where the only thing that you ever see is that cheesy Entertainment Tonight piece with people cutting a fake cake and saying goodbye and crying.

    KP: And the days of a photo-op like that are even past.

    LAWRENCE: Yeah.

    KP: The internet takes the need for that away.

    LAWRENCE: Without a doubt. And I’m also gonna be… and I didn’t do this last year, which is last year the two staff writers I said, “You guys are gonna do blogs on what it’s like to start here and stuff like that.”  And I left it at that, I think in part because, quite honestly Ken, I didn’t realize the power of all this stuff.  And this year, with the three new people I hired, what I’m gonna do is essentially make it their job… not that writing a blog is their job, but the creative aspect of this is the job and I’m gonna hold them accountable for it. I’m gonna make it the job for these kids, which’ll be great.

    KP: I’m there…

    LAWRENCE: Yeah, but you don’t have to be this way, because one of the things I hope you can tell, is not empty words, but I’ve realized not only by my recent thing with Nobody’s Watching, ultimately by what I think the boost for the show was from you guys, the value of this, and I got a track record completely from a self-centered place, and when I think something’s incredibly valuable, I pounce on it. You can see it happening right now with how much publicity and how much shit we’re doing with Nobody’s Watching.  I can do the same with this.

    KP: And as you know, whatever you guys need, don’t hesitate to ask.

    LAWRENCE: Awesome.

  • Take Me Home Blog #6 – WHY YOU AIN’T HAPPY (if you are, disregard this)

     

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    PROLOGUE: EUROPE, 1300’s.
    We knew our place, didn’t we? You had your kings, your peasants, butchers, blacksmiths. It was all pretty cut and dry. Then along came that blasted Renaissance and ruined everything! And you know what, in my opinion, was one of it’s most appalling effects? The belief that we can be MORE! We don’t have to bake bread just because we’re the baker’s son! Nay! We can be a blacksmith if we want to! We have that freedom! And thus, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS was born!! Little did we realize that freedom, as it was being presented to us, came with quite a few constraints.

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA. PRESENT.
    The epicenter of that noble pursuit. People come to this, the second largest city in the United States, to pursue their passions. Actors, musicians, drag queens. Following dreams (what is America without them?). Here, there is no limit to happiness.

    AND HEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM.
    Here’s what they don’t tell you on the “Freedom: Hell Yeah!” brochure: everyone ELSE gets their freedom, too; they can be a butcher, a blacksmith. And pretty soon millions of people are sharing your same dream. Applying for the same job. And if you’re going to have even a shot at that job, you’d better be great.

    AMBITION MAKES ME LOOK PRETTY UGLY.
    The majority of our twenties and thirties are spent focusing on this confounding need to get ahead. I myself go out for over a hundred acting roles every year. I get three. At best. And that’s considered pretty good, by Hollywood standards. But to be quite honest, it’s not enough for me. I want more. I am, afterall, a red-blooded Amer.I.CAN. There is no ceiling in my neverending quest for MORE. If I just had a little MORE! What endless joy! I could finally be content, just like that one guy. What’s his name? Oh, yeah:

    MEL GIBSON. ARRESTED FOR DUI IN MALIBU, CA.
    Okay, maybe the guy’s just off his rocker. Maybe he’s simply an anti-semitic drunk (as if that’s “simple”). Either way, I think we owe Mel a big round of applause. We now have a glimpse of what happens when you finally have EVERYTHING. You’ve seen the mug shot. For whatever reason, Mel got trashed, made some ethnic slurs, spouted some threats to a man in uniform, and got arrested. In one night, he managed to do what took Mr. Cruise months to show the world: that at the top, at the very pinnacle of “success” lies MORE unrest, more unhappiness. It’s side effects are a keen self-delusion and, in Mel’s case, chemical dependency. Is this what we’re pursuing?

    I AM NOT A FAILURE. EXCEPT IN MY OWN WEAK HEART.
    I bring this up, possibly, to quell the recent disappontment I’ve been facing. Losing our investors on “Take Me Home” was difficult, but I think it’s best to see it as only a process. It is not the end, it is not the beginning. If we’re going to continue with this film, which we most certainly are, I can’t let the lows OR the highs get the best of me.

    I expected things to happen quickly for this movie. Because they have not, I have a choice: 1. I can beat myself up for not pursuing it hard enough, OR
    2. I can accept wherever we are in the process.

    Why is #2 so hard to achieve? Are we simply wired to want MORE, NOW? I’m not sure. But to make this project simply about the end result (the finished film) would be a shame. There’s too much living to be done in the meantime.

    -Sam Jaeger

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  • Weekend Shopping Guide 8/18/06: The Big Giant Head

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    The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the Quick Stop Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

    As Vicki Dubcek gives birth to the Big Giant Head’s big alien baby, the absentee father (William Shatner) makes a return visit as the Solomons try and sort out exactly how to deal with their leader, the deadbeat dad. The 5th season of 3rd Rock From The Sun (Anchor Bay, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP) is a comedic cornucopia, and is one of those rare comedies that holds up tremendously well as the years go by, never betraying its age. I can watch John Lithgow mug all day long… And considering I had a marathon viewing of this box set in one sitting, I did. Sadly, all we get this go round is bloopers – hopefully the next set, the show’s final season, will pull out all the stops.

    Amazing to think, but it’s been nearly 5 years since The Kids in the Hall began coming out on DVD, but with the release of the show’s 5th season (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$59.95 SRP), it all comes to an end. Even though the Kids were beginning to drift apart, you can see very little of the stress in the episodes themselves. The 4-disc set contains the final 21 episodes, and a best-of compilation featuring an audio commentary from the Kids. You can purchase the set directly from www.kidsinthehall.com.

    As much as I love most of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons of the 60’s and their classic theme songs, my absolute favorite is Hong Kong Phooey (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$26.98 SRP), the number one super guy who” getting his complete 31-episode on DVD, complete with a retrospective documentary, commentary on a trio of episodes, and a complete storyboard from the episode “The Batty Bank Gang.” Also getting the complete series treatment is Magilla Gorilla (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$44.98 SRP), which is packed with bonus material including rare footage of Hoyt Curtain and Bill Hanna performing the theme song, an interactive interview gallery, and the archival behind-the-scenes special Here Comes a Star. Sadly, though, no one in quality control thought to actually present the episodes uncut (they’re missing the classic opening and closing sequences) and the print quality is atrocious. Here’s hoping for a disc exchange in the very near future.

    For me, the eighth season of The Simpsons (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP) marks the end of the show’s golden period and the onset of its decline. It was the last season to feature truly classic episodes (in particular, the introduction of Homer’s archenemy, Frank Grimes). In the seasons after this, the writing staff would dip into the derivative well, and our favorite family would become merely walking jokes – as opposed to the surprisingly deep characters that had been developed in the early years. As usual, this latest set is packed with commentaries for every episode, deleted scenes, illustrated commentaries, promos, a featurette on the Simpsons house, an introduction from Matt Groening, and more.

    Every generation has its own delightfully oddball kiddie show that appeals to both tykes and adults – the 50’s had Beany & Cecil, the 60’s has Soupy Sales, the 70’s had the Krofft’s, the 80’s had Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and the 90’s had The Weird Al Show (Shout Factory, Not Rated, DVD-$34.98 SRP). Hosted by Weird Al Yankovic, it definitely owes much of its whacked-out sensibility to its predecessors, but sadly lasted on 13 episodes –all of which are collected in this 3-disc et, featuring commentary from Weird Al, animated storyboards, galleries, a look at the development of the “Fatman” cartoon, and more guest stars (including Barenaked Ladies, Dick Clark, Patton Oswalt, Michael McKean, Fred Willard, just to name a few) than you can shake a stick at.

    Much in the same historical vein as Deadwood, HBO’s Rome (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP) dramatizes the rise of Caesar in pre-Empire Rome through the eyes of soldiers Lucious Vorenus and Titus Pullo, beginning with a victorious Rome post-the conquering of Gaul that is already beginning to show cracks in the firmament of the once-great Republic. A riveting story, I can only hope we get a second season. In addition to all 12 episodes, the 6-disc set features 8 audio commentaries, an interactive onscreen historical guide, a featurette on episode 11’s gladiator sequence, a featurette on episode 10’s triumphant arrival of Caesar, a behind-the-scenes featurette, a look at the culture of ancient Rome, a character guide, and more.

    First off, let me say that I am very, very happy with the fact that we have finally gotten a comprehensive edition of Apocalypse Now, containing both the original cut as well as 2001’s Redux version. The 2-disc Apocalypse Now: The Complete Dossier (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$19.99 SRP) also features an audio commentary on both cuts from Francis Coppola, the lost “Monkey Sampon” scene, deleted scenes, an outtake of Brando reading the entirety of T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men”, featurettes on the sound design and filmmaking, a cast member reunion, and more. What disappoints me, though, is we still do not get the wonderful documentary Heart of Darkness, shot during production by Coppola’s wife. A terrible loss to an otherwise great release.

    You know, even the lackluster episodes of The Jeffersons still make me laugh heartily, which I think owes more to growing up with reruns of the show on my local DC station than the quality of some of the scripts in later seasons, particularly the show’s fifth (Sony, Not Rated, DVD-$29.95 SRP). With The Jeffersons, though, you had a cast that could spin comedy gold out of any line, and that went for everyone from Sherman Hemsley and Isabel Sanford to Marla Gibbs and Roxie Roker… and Franklin Cover and Paul Benedict, too). The 3-disc set features all 24 episodes, but still no bonus features to be had.

    Warner’s fast and furious catalogue releases are getting to the point of being overwhelming, but there’s no denying that their level of quality has remained consistently good, featuring nice transfers and an unbelievable amount of bonus materials, including commentaries, vintage shorts, classic Warner cartoons, and more. The two latest screen icons to get their own “Signature Collection” are James Stewart and Ronald Reagan (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP each). The Reagan collection features Kings Row, The Hasty Heart, Storm warning, The Winning Team, and Knute Rockne All American (which gave America Reagan’s nickname, “The Gipper”). The Stewart set packs six flicks in, including The Spirit of St. Louis, The FBI Story, The Naked Spur, The Stratton Story, The Cheyenne Social Club, and Firecreek.

    I’m a sucker for documentaries about obscure events in American history, and I definitely think the subject of The March of The Bonus Army (PBS, Not Rated, DVD-$14.99 SRP) qualifies as such, as it focuses on the march of over 45,000 World War I veterans on Washington in 1932, who sought the “bonus” promised them for their military service, and set up a shanty-town near the Capitol. Eventually refusing their demand, they were driven out of Washington at sword point by General Douglas MacArthur and his officers Dwight Eisenhower and George Patton, and their camp was literally burned to the ground. In 1936, Congress finally paid the bonus – but not after a sad chapter in U.S. history worth knowing about.

    Is it PC? Not in the least, but I still love Hogan’s Heroes, the fourth season of which has hit those little shiny spinny things (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP). Colonel Hogan and his ragtag band of POWs continue to fight the good fight behind enemy lines and under the monocled eye of Colonel Klink (the always wonderful Werner Klemperer). The 4-disc set features all 26 episodes.

    Featuring amazing archival performances, rare interviews, obscure footage, and critical analysis of their early years, Origin of the Species: Led Zeppelin – A Critical Review (Sexy Intellectual, Not Rated, DVD-$19.95 SRP) is a must have for Zep fans.

    Although never a huge hit, Grounded For Life (Anchor Bay, Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP) was a quirky, dependable sitcom that deserved more attention and a longer run, as it managed to meld the sensibilities of both Roseanne and 3rd Rock From The Sun into a beautiful amalgam that rarely disappointed (and Donal Logue was a great lead as the patriarch of the family Finnerty). The 2-disc 3rd season set features all 13 episodes (including 2 that never aired on The WB), plus audio commentaries on 6 episodes.

    Okay, is it odd that, while checking out the complete fourth season of Full House (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP), I couldn’t take my eyes off Dave Coulier’s mullet? It’s almost like it had a life of its own. Didn’t anyone ever tell him that he wasn’t a man who could pull off a mullet (few can, save for Swayze in Road House. Creepy… And I feel dirty for being mesmerized by its tacky power.

    One by one, all of the shows attempting to capitalize on Lost‘s sci-fi mystery niche met a similar fate last season, including Surface (Universal, Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP). Lake Bell stars as oceanographer Laura Daugherty, whose discovery of a massive creature lurking in the ocean depths leads her on a worldwide chase that may have deeper ramifications than just uncovering a new species… Or it would have, if the show had lasted longer than 15 episodes – all of which are featured on this 4-disc set, which includes deleted scene and a look at the special effects.

    Remington Steele‘s adventures come to a close with the release of the complete 4th and 5th seasons (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP), featuring all 27 episodes plus select episode commentaries and four featurettes. Even though it began to wane towards the end, I still loved the show.

    So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

  • Nocturnal Admissions: Critical Condition

     

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    As some kind of evidence that the studios are taking critics less and less seriously, or at least a certain kind of critic, there is the recent case of Eric D. Snider, a Portland, Oregon based internet critic who got in trouble with Paramount. This, along with the absence of a “critics screening” of  Snakes on a Plane, and several think pieces on critics in recent newspaper columns and around the internet, hint at coming harbingers of great change. 

    By a complicated happenstance irrelevant to the results, Snider ended up attending the  World Trade Center junket held in Seattle, and then went on to write a devastating “insider’s” account of the experience at his website, a column which then became a national story when Media Bistro covered it.

    Paramount struck back at Snider, first demanding that he take down the column, and then deciding that they could do without Snider all together, banning him from all future Paramount screenings. In addition, the company that represents Paramount in Seattle and the Northwest market went further, banning Snider from the other studios the firm represents, including Dimension, Miramax, and The Weinstein Company.

    What with Willamette Week reviewer Becky Ohlsen pelted with a pie by a disgruntled theater operator, Portland is becoming the No Man’s Land of critic bashing. In this case, though, it’s not clear what Paramount has against Snider’s essay, beyond surprise at the fact that typical junketteers are rarely eager to bite the hand that so lavishly feeds them.

    But still, if a studio invites a freelance writer, you open yourself to lumps of spice as much as lumps of sugar, and Snider’s  original column , “I Was a Junket Whore,” is at times wildly funny and insightful about the junket process (although the title should have been “I Was a Junket Whore for a Day”), while also mean spirited and a tad naive, and frankly, something that has been done before. Paramount may have been miffed at the fact that Snider names names, especially of lower level PR publicists who are simply doing their job, pens poison portraits of stars “off camera,” as it were, and talks about that most taboo of topics, money.

    David Poland weighed in with some dire warnings about what Snider may have “done” to other freelancers, which was followed by a lively talkback with posters contributing both for and agin Snider (for more details on Snider and his interesting past, consult his Wikipedia citation ).

    Worse for Snider is that he is presumably one of several potential candidates for the film reviewer’s job at  Willamette Week, recently vacated by David Walker, and where Snider is already a freelancer.  But as a recent column shows, Snider is  unrepentant. It is unclear how  Willamette Week will react to the prospect of a first string reviewer banned from advance screenings and publicity material for a fifth of the films released to the city, but who knows, they might like that kind of spunk. Perhaps Paramount should have just thrown a pie in his face. Lord knows it would have been an expensive one.

    Snider’s case is only the most recent manifestation of the ongoing “crisis” in the movie reviewing world. Newspapers, themselves dinosaurs, are dumping some of their older critics, and studios are increasingly skipping the press screening stop in a film’s trajectory to the screen, the most recent example  Snakes on a Plane. In the past, you’d see maybe two or three films a year withheld from the press, “always a bad sign” to the reviewers that the studio at least thought they had a dog. Now, there, there is about one a month.

    Well, I for one think that the studios should drop all critics and not screen their films for any of them. Let the critics pay and see the films the first weekend like everyone else.  Ban Snider, and all the rest of us, too.

    I say this as a working reviewer. I have grown sick of the radio tie-in advance screenings anyway, and don’t go to them anymore. But I always secretly had reservations about the idea of the studios offering up free screenings in the hopes that we would write positive reviews.

    Without that largesse, reviewers would be truly and unambiguously independent. And a newspaper or a web site’s owners could pay the ticket costs, so the reviewer wouldn’t be “losing” anything. Also, the reviewer would be seeing the film with people who really wanted to view it, not with passholes there only for the free t-shirt and bragging rights. Cost conscious studios would save millions a year by canceling these screenings and even dropping the junkets, although they would probably have a jones over the evaporation of puff pieces in every publication from Vanity Fair to Parade (whose reporters get special treatment, anyway).

    And subtracted from the “news” angle of a movie’s release, reviews could be written and read more as thoughtful cultural criticism rather than rushes to judgment. There is an invisible divide of mutual contempt between film writers and the film industry and the average man on the street, who usually sides with “business,” i.e., the producers, rather than critics, who are interested, or should be, in art. These are two (or three) different sets of peoples, with different agenda, goals, and responsibilities, and they rarely truly interact. I say take this opportunity of a critical “crisis” to raze the promotion-industrial complex and start over.

     

     

  • Music for the Masses: August 17th, 2006

     

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    What’s up, Quick Stoppers?  Double A here and I’ve got some good news and bad news for you.  First. . .the good news.  M.C. is on vacation right now, so you Pearl Jam fans need not worry about anyone poking fun at mumbling Eddie and One Trick Pony’s.  Nope.  You’re not going to get one joke about [INSERT RUDE PEARL JAM JOKE HERE] this week.  Not gonna happen.  You see, apparently M.C. heard some rumors at Comic Con and, as a result, has headed back to California in search of  Walt’s frozen head (read: he’s going to Disneyland).  He’s always said that he “has the heart of a small child,” but I just assumed he was referring to whatever the fuck that is in that jar of Formaldehyde on his desk.  

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    Oh, and if you’re reading M.C?  I hear it’s buried under the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride.  So, at any rate, while he’s away. . .umm, well, that’s the bad news.  Are you ready for this?    Perhaps you should sit down. . .maybe get a little comfort food in your tum-tum’s.  You see, with M.C. gone, I’m left to hold down the fort here at Music for the Masses.

    Now, just hold on a minute there, kiddies.  Don’t go getting your panties in a wad.  I’m not here to change things up a whole bunch and you’re not going to get 3 rap reviews.  Sure DMX came out with a new one, but really, who cares?   Exactly.  See. . .I’ve just discovered something vastly better, or should I say re-discovered something better.  Much like Leonard Nimoy, for a while I have been in search of something.  Get it?  That was a reference to his show called In Search of”¦ where he, you know, searched for stuff. 

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    Anyways, in a desperate attempt to get back a piece of my childhood, I have been searching for anything and everything that I can get my hands on for the group that is credited with giving me my interest in rap music:  The Fat Boys.  Yes I know that it’s kind of odd, but as an impressionable young man with a slight weight problem The Fat Boys opened up a whole new world musically.  Without them I would never have moved into Run DMC.  I would have never listened to early Beastie Boys.  And I certainly wouldn’t have picked up Vanilla Ice’s To the Extreme.  Wait, I probably shouldn’t have admitted that.  Oh well, what’s said is said.  What follows is somewhat of a review and somewhat of a retrospective.  Friends, I give you The Fat Boys.

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    1983 was a year full of ups and downs.  Two classic tales came to an end in M*A*S*H and the original Star Wars Trilogy but other franchises such as the A-Team and the first of the Vacation films were there to pick up the slack.  Musical wise, two of the great bluesmen in Muddy Waters and Slim Pickins passed on paving the way for new “musicians” Michelle Branch and William Hung.  With all that going on, enter three young men from Brooklyn, Mark “Prince Markie Dee” Morales, Darren “Human Beat Box” Robinson and Damon “Kool Rock-ski” Wimbley, who called themselves Disco 3.

    Entering the renowned Coca-Cola/Tin Pan Apple rap contest at the radio City Music Hall, Disco 3 easily won on the strength of Robinson’s beat boxing.  Legend has it that the boys originally entered the contest solely to win the second place prize of a new stereo, but eagerly accepted the recoding contract that came with the win.  With the studio time in hand, Disco 3 unleashed the track “Reality” on the unsuspecting world.  Touring in support of their new release, the groups manager was shocked when he was presented a 350 dollar hotel bill for “extra breakfasts.”Â  Jokingly the manager suggested that Disco 3 should take the name The Fat Boys.  I guess you can tell what happened next.  

    The Fat Boys first album, The Fat Boys was released in 1984, and is arguably their best album.  Featuring the classic songs “Fat Boys” and “Jailhouse Rap” this album showed that while the group leaned toward the comedy side of the genre, the boys could actually rap.  The beats were simple but great and added a bit of fun to the intentionally funny rhymes.  The best song on the disc though is “Human Beat Box.”Â  You’ve probably head someone beat boxing, but I can tell you, you haven’t really heard it till you hear the master do it.  And Robinson was indeed the master.  

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    The groups second album The Fat Boys Are Back came out a year later, offering up the same type of wackiness that the original release had.  This time out though, the Boys brought in some outside influences to help the music out.  The reggae infused and aptly titled “Hard Core Reggae” and the rock styled and even more accurately titled “Rock-N-Roll” fill out an album that also features another Human Beat Box showcase.  While The Fat Boys Are Back is not as good as the first album, it is still a fine album which shows The Fat Boys were still firmly in their element.  That same year the group made their first foray into another medium, playing roles in the 1985 movies Knights of the City and Krush Groove.

    After the group’s next album Big & Beautiful failed to cause any waves, many critics started proclaiming that the group was done.  But in 1987 the Boys made a big splash, and yes, that pun was intended.  1987 saw the release of two Fat Boys projects, the album Crushin’ and the group’s first staring roles in the movie Disorderlies.  Disorderlies introduced the group to a whole new audience that snapped up the album, giving the group their only platinum selling disc.  Seriously, who could forget the video for the single “Wipeout”?  Fat guys on surfboards in front of green screens?  Pure gold!

    Riding the high from Crushin’ and Disorderlies The Fat Boys released Coming Back Hard Again, their last album that could be called a success.  Featuring another cover in “Louie, Louie”, the album mostly stayed true to what the group had done in the past… make fun songs that anyone can get into.  The highlights of Coming Back Hard Again are “Big Daddy’ and “Pig Feet,” both of which point out the obvious that the group really, really likes to eat.

    But, much like the aforementioned fat guy on a surfboard, the ride didn’t last long.  The 1989 album On and On is described as a “rap-opera.”Â  Sadly, the music buying public didn’t understand what was going on, and the album tanked quicker than Mel Gibson at a swanky Hollywood party.  The failure of On and On signaled the end for the group and the three members went their separate ways shortly after.  Still yearning to entertain the masses, Robinson and Wimbley got back together long enough to record 1991’s Mack Daddy.  The new incarnation of The Fat Boys tried to shy away from their past success and opted to try out a new sound that was obviously influenced by the likes of Public Enemy and other rappers of that time.  While the disc wasn’t bad – the song “Tonight” is really good - but the album just didn’t have the same magic that the group had previously had. 

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    In 1992, Morales had marginal success with his solo album, Free, but he has had bigger success as a producer working with Mary J. Blige, Destiny’s Child and Mariah Carrey.  After Mack Daddy, Wimbley dropped off the radar, only to surface again in 1995 when he, Robinson and Morales began working on a Fat Boys reunion album.  Unfortunately that project never saw the light of day.  On December 10th of that year, Robinson died of a heart attack, thus ending The Fat Boys. 

    Over the years there have been a few Best of”¦ albums, but the only one of merit is 1997’s All Meat No Filler.  This album is truly a greatest hits album.  Every song on this album is worthwhile.  There are a few problems with it, though.  First of all, there are several songs that didn’t make the cut that should have been included, most notably “Pump It Up” and “Rock-N-Roll.”Â  Secondly, this album is damn near impossible to find.  It has become my holy grail.  I have scoured several used records all over the country and have yet to find it.  Even the magic machine that is the internet has failed to provide me with this album.  Sure, you can find whatever sick and twisted porn you want, but the second you try to find music, you get shut down faster than I did on prom night.

    Well folks, I hope you enjoyed this walk down memory lane.  Do yourself a favor – if you never listened to The Fat Boys, search them out.  They are truly one of the greatest acts of their generation.  Oh, and they made me the man I am today”¦ here’s an artists rendering.

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    Send your maps to Disney’s head, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

    M.C. Bell
    P.O. Box 1222
    Arvada, CO 80001

     

  • The Fred Hembeck Show: Episode 68 – Mock the Vote

     

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    Have you checked the news lately?

    Yeesh – we’ve got over-heated politicians going on the tube, blithely anointing the recent mid-east conflict as the beginning of the long dreaded World War Three, and airlines are suddenly confiscating your toothpaste in the name of safety (hah! – tell it to your cavities)! Makes you long for the good ol’ days, doesn’t it?

    A word of caution – don’t be TOO hasty.

    Back on Election Day, 2003, I wrote up the following not-so-fond-reminiscence, a little thing I called…

    “Dr. Strangemouth – or, How I Learned To Eavesdrop And Fear The Bomb”

    It’s Election Day – what say we talk politics, okay?

    WAIT! WAIT! Get your itchy little index finger away from that mouse – it’s not what you think. Yes, we most assuredly have our own political biases here at Hembeck.com, true, but – well, how shall I put this? Probably the overriding one is that all – or, okay, to be fair, merely most – of the folks who take up the political profession as their life’s work seem to spend most of it beholden to the various moneyed concerns who provided the necessary finances to propel their candidacies in the first place, while our dear friends, the politicians, in turn try their doggone darnedest to convince the public that – gee whiz! – it’s actually the little people’s best interests that they actually have at heart. Uh huh. Cynical? Yup, you betcha, but hey, after all these years, just try convincing me otherwise. Partisan though I may be at times, that’s still the way I feel deep down inside even about “my” guy, whoever he – or she – happens to be at the time.

    What kind of attitude would you expect, after all, from some poor sap whose very first exposure to national politics had him totally convinced that if Richard Nixon DIDN’T win the right to kick his loafers off in the Oval Office, this future voter – and his entire family – was assured a horrible, gruesome death?!?…

    Understand that we’re hearkening back – WAY back – to the initial run Eisenhower’s Veep made for the White House in the 1960 Presidential campaign. America had just cruised through 8 years of Republican rule thanks to the former World War Two hero, General Dwight D. Me? Well, I have absolutely no memories of the old soldier’s term in office, but Mom and Dad Hembeck sure did. Hitting the seven year mark several months before the odometer on the decade turned over, I eventually became superficially aware of the constant campaigning by the two candidates for the Big Job – Nixon, of course, and his Democratic opponent, some guy named John F. Kennedy (who was, for reasons I then couldn’t fathom, also called “Jack”…). The glitzy looking campaign buttons – red, white, and blue, of course – that we picked up at a mid-summer’s outing at a local fair did an inordinate amount towards informing my nascent political sensibilities. My parents, lifelong blue-collar workers who nonetheless stayed firmly and loyally on the Republican side of the aisle, naturally scooped up a handful of pro-Nixon paraphernalia, and I’ll be darned if Little Freddy himself wasn’t tremendously impressed by it! That man on the button seemed to have such a nice, pleasant smile! Fact was, he sorta reminded me of that OTHER man I liked, y’know, the funny one with the similar looking proboscis? Bob Hope, I think his name was…

    Everything would’ve been just swell during the final months of this hard fought political contest in my insulated little corner of the world if only it weren’t for a chance remark I accidentally overheard one of my dad’s friends offer up whilst they were engaging in a discussion at our kitchen table one fateful night. But before we get to the specifics of the curious comment, allow me to tell you a little bit about the speaker in question…

    His name was Turbish. That’s what everyone called him – Turbish, just Turbish. Years later, I finally found out that his first name was “Rowland” – which may well explain things. Anyway, he worked alongside my dad in the kitchen of the Suffolk County Infirmary, and was around my house, on and off, pretty much my entire young life. Even in the days after my dad passed on and I had the family manse dropped unceremoniously into my hands, Turbish would drop by unannounced. He was a nice enough fella, I suppose, though, frankly, he never really related to me as a kid. Nonetheless, I always found him sort of amusing. He spoke rapidly, always as if he were out of breath, AND in a high pitched voice! Picture, if you would, a cross between Ed Norton (NOT the actor, young people, but the patron saint of all sewer workers..,) and Barney Fife, and THAT’D be a decent approximation of good ol’ Turbish! And for someone who long ago had let go of the notion of employing a first name, he had this amusing affectation of referring to my dad as “Mr. Fred”! He was prone to exaggeration, but on that early fall day back in 1960, I was too young, too naive – and dare I say it? – too STUPID to know the difference between hyperbole and reality. And friends, it cost me. The price? My peace of mind (small as it may’ve been…)

    Y’see, there they sat, yammering on and on about the upcoming election, and as usual, Turbish was doing the vast majority of the lip-flapping. Dad would occasionally interject a comment or two, generally to lower the exasperation level of the conversation, if for no other reason. He well knew his colleague’s proclivities, and always had a bucketful of salt at the ready. But to me, this fast talking, shrill, bespeckled man was an adult, and at that point in my social development, I took everything an adult said as gospel. Everything…

    So imagine if you will my alarmed reaction when I chanced to hear THIS prime bon mot:

    “Mr. Fred, I’m telling you, if Kennedy and the democrats get into the White House, the Russians’ll drop the bomb on us all by Thanksgiving!!”

    The bomb? That would be one of the atomic variety, the likes of which we’d long practiced avoiding by – good plan! – crawling down under our desks at school. And the Russians? Communists, and America’s sworn enemy. We always seemed to be on the brink of total annihilation back in them good ol’ days, so, by golly, the high-pitched words of doom and devastation emanating from Mr. Turbish’s lips (kids still addressed adults as “Mr.” in those long gone times, for those of you who came in late… ) didn’t sound all that absurd. Not by a long shot.

    Of course, they had no clue I’d been eavesdropping, and being the sort of family we were – i.e., minimal communication, if that – I certainly didn’t ask for further clarification from anyone. Nope, I just kept it to myself and worried. And rooted desperately – DESPERATELY, I tell ya! – for the man destined to one day be known as “Tricky Dick” to win, win, WIN! Barring that, I consoled myself with the notion that, even with the awful possibility of imminent destruction awaiting everyone just before the Thanksgiving turkey could be carved, I WAS, at least, guaranteed one last, glorious Halloween!…

    Okay, so maybe I didn’t lose any actual sleep over the loose-lipped remark my shell-like ears had chanced upon, but even forty years later, I can still recall the overriding sense of dread I carried with me for over a month, as I internalized my own private countdown to doomsday. I did share my concerns with a close friend, who told me the whole thing was just a bunch of hooey (kids still said stuff like that in those days…). Of course, HIS parents were Democrats, so how could I truly trust anything they said? Weren’t they the problem, after all?…

    No, the problem turned out to be my own gullibility. I went out Trick or Treating that Halloween and partied like it was, well, 1959, and then I held my breath as the adults went to the polls on the first Tuesday of November. The election? It was a close one, mighty close, but I think you all remember how it turned out. Yup, Nixon lost. No turkey for me – or anyone else in our soon-to-be-demolished democracy. But…

    Then Thanksgiving DID come after all! AND it was followed in rapid succession by not only Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Day, the JFK Inauguration, but perhaps MOST importantly of all, my very own Birthday towards the end of January 1961! Glory be – I’d made it to age eight! Heck, we’d ALL made it!! Who’d a thot? I thereby learned a great and valuable lesson – political pundits, whether they’re smartly dressed on a Sunday morning talk show or sitting around your kitchen in their work clothes, the general rule of thumb is that they don’t actually know what they’re talking about, they just SOUND like they do!!

    Well, as fate would have it, I soon became a big JFK fan – how could I not? Mort Weisinger seemed to feature him in just about every other issue of one of those fabulous Superman Family comics I had only recently started buying and collecting. And a few years later, when things really DID go sour – a little thing known as the Cuban Missile Crisis, history buffs – I remained blissfully and steadfastly unconcerned. After all, I’d already been through this drill, hadn’t I? You people weren’t gonna fool me TWICE! Little did I realize just HOW close the sky actually came to falling that particular time, but by then I was fully convinced of Kennedy’s extraordinary governing abilities. Even my parents and the excitable Mr. Rowland – G.O.P. lifers all – gravitated toward the charismatic young chief executive in those so-called days of Camelot.

    As for Mr. Dick, the man I so desperately wished to be 1960’s winner – if only to assure my further existence on this happy little planet – well, come 1968, let’s just say my attitudes had, um, changed somewhat. At THAT point it was my equally desperate wish was for Nixon to LOSE, again so as to guarantee my remaining existence on this not-always-so-happy little planet for the then foreseeable future.

    But that, folks, is ANOTHER story!…

    Vote! Because, hey, you might as well.

    Hembeck.com, Fred’s MySpace, or click here to send a personal message – I invite Republican and Democrats alike to pull the lever on any one or all three of these choices! And yes, Whigs too!…

    -Copyright 2006 Fred Hembeck

  • Scrubs Blog: Writers’ Blog 2006 #1

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    Good morning/afternoon/evening and thanks for reading the first official entry into the Season 6 writers’ blog.  We’re Andy Schwartz and Dave Tennant, two new Staff Writers working on Scrubs this year.  For the past two months, we’ve started to learn how the Writers’ Room functions; the construction of scenes, how jokes are pitched, and even the development of character arcs. 

    Although only part of the staff for a short time, we’re also beginning to understand how the show runs.  Whereas we began the year pretty green, I think it’s safe to say we’ve matured into seasoned veterans.  So to help all you aspiring writers out there, we present a fly-on-the-wall perspective, revealing a few pages of notes taken in the actual writers’ room.

     

    Our First Day of Work (6/14/06):
    As Bill Lawrence and the other Writer/Producers detailed the upcoming season, we eagerly scribbled away, trying to catch even the smallest of details. 

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    Our Second Day of Work (6/15/06):
    With one day under our belts, we’re still excited!!!!  A few day-dream distractions, but we’re ready for the rest of the season!

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    Our Third Day of Work (6/16/06):

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    -Dave Tennant & Andy Schwartz
    Writers

     

     

  • Brat-halla #141: Norse Force – Jealousy

    by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with colors by Anthony Lee

    Larger Comic Version | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

    Brat-halla #141: Norse Force - Jealousy

    For extras, visit the Brat-halla Web site!

    Check out the preview to the Image comic Jeff writes…

    E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | BRAT-HALLA BLOG | BRAT-HALLA FORUM | ARCHIVES

  • Quick Stop Contest #3: Princess Leia

    leia3.jpgYou want a chance to win the long sold out 1/4-scale Premium Format Star Wars Princess Leia figure from Sideshow Collectibles? And the Exclusive Edition of the Princess, to boot?

    Well, do ya?

    All you have to do is click on the big honkin’ link below, submit your entry, and hope the fickle finger of fate chooses you for this great prize”¦

     

    CLICK HERE TO ENTER

     

    The contest will run from Thursday, August 3, 2006, until Thursday, August 17, 2006. Be sure to check back after the contest closes when the winner will be posted.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Party Favors: Slacker Shame

     

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    NEW YORK CITY – Am I a slacker with no shame? 

    When female friends saw that title given to me on The Today Show, they were very upset. “They wouldn’t call a woman a slacker for doing what you do” was a constant complaint. And many friends said I wasn’t a complete slacker since I’m always working an angle. But isn’t working a bigger angle, the key to being a slacker? What’s a more slacker moment then working for the Today Show during a local shoot with Katie Couric and joking with the producer that someday I’ll be featured on the show?

    I don’t mind being called a Slacker since I was a slacker when Richard Linklater was working on an oil platform. What makes me a slacker? Perhaps it’s because my 401K plan involves scratch and win tickets. Maybe it’s the fact that my resume contains more bankrupt companies than George W Bush’s career? Probably it’s because I don’t give a crap about making the Fortune 500. Mostly it’s cause I’m willing to make fun of the rich and powerful on Fox News. Ask Jack Welch if he likes my letters to Neil Cavuto.

    And you may ask how can I not care about my retirement? Just look at all those Delta Pilots about to get sodomized as the company destroys their pension plan? Why should I buy into a fraud scheme? Wouldn’t it do me better to invest my cash in Chicago Cub World Series 2006 Champions merchandise? There’s nothing safe about the future so what’s the point of planning ahead for it? You’re gonna get screwed. All planning ahead does is make you work twice as hard when the time comes around.

    You buy a house and figure it’ll last you for the rest of your life. And you live there for 40 years. Then the city decides that they want a McDonald’s Strip Mall on your property so they kick your ass off the land and pay you peanuts. And the Supreme Court says your screwed. And you discover that in the end, you can only afford to stay at a crappy condo in a crackhouse. Where’s your future now? What’s the point of caring?

    I’ve spent enough time in old age homes. Let me tell you, have fun now while your knees still bend without pain. Enjoy the now.  Screw sucking up to assholes because soon you’ll be totting your own oxygen cannister. Live like a frickin’ human and not be steered like a dogmatic sheep. Don’t follow daily marching orders. Try to figure out what works best for you. The greatest words you may ever tell someone you don’t like is “I don’t need your shit. Goodbye.” Cause you don’t. And if another people tell these assholes to go fuck off, they might realize that people don’t like them no matter how powerful they are. Remember when you’re on your way up, you need to be nice to these people because these are the same people that might kick your ass in a dark alley. If you can’t be happy at least be smug.

    I hope I didn’t come off as smug on that show. Cause I’m happy. The freakiest thought I had while watching myself and my wife on TV was that we were the only happy people during that timeslot that didn’t have to overcome a terrible situation. I kissed my wife twice and it wasn’t done to  get the folks at home to vote online for us to win a free wedding. I was happy just to be happy.

    Although I wasn’t happy about Matt Lauer’s rant about hanging out in expensive coffeeshops. Not once did I talk about coffee. I don’t even drink coffee – I’m addicted to Big K’s Citrus Drop. I was preparing to go Tom Cruise on Lauer. i was going to buy a plane ticket and be hanging out with those two guys that lean against the fence at 30 Rock. And then I’d say, “Matt Lauer, You don’t know the history of coffeeshops! I do!” In fact I had a fling with a cute barista that worked at Cup of Joe. She got more than cup of this Joe. The strange thing was her sweat was caffeinated. But why don’t I hang out in coffeeshops after such a positive moment? A few years later, I was supposed to go out with an Australian barista gal, but before we could work out a date, she got knocked up by a yardgnome of a guy that was sleeping on her sofa after he got dumped by his ex-girlfriend. It’s such a painful memory that for months I couldn’t smell roasted beans without crying. Luckily all that now is a foolish lifestory because I have a wonderful wife who doesn’t mind me kissing her on morning television. She doesn’t like coffee.

    Campbell Brown seemed to like the concept of a stay at home husband who wasn’t going to unload his work funk on her shoulders. I think she was hip to finding a Joe Corey for her condo. Did I already mention that I think it is foolish that the Today Show is importing Meredith Vieira? Campbell does a great job as a fill-in. And I’m not saying that because she defended me to Lauer. Although that helps. What was the point in bringing in Meredith? What happened to fresh faces in the morning? Did Jane Pauley spend a decade jabbering with Starzilla? Meredith is old enough for Willard Scott to wish her a happy birthday. And she will still be hosting Millionaire. But NBC wants to play it safe by grabbing a big name instead of introducing America to a new sunrise pal.

    I did get a little unnamed source action from the Today Show. Remember my rant about how NBC needs to keep David Gregory down in D.C. to be a pitbull in the White House Press corp instead of using him to pinch hit for Lauer? Turns out that it is Gregory that demands the gig. Gregory needs to choose between being a morning goofball or a nightly journalist. He also needs to lay off visits with Don Imus. A little mystique is nice in a career. That’s why I don’t appear on reality TV. I like to control the angles. You’ve seen my wall of DVDs, but you don’t know the titles.

    And for those of you who missed my moment in the sun, it’s all here at:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX4GRxVFYWE

    ZITSTEASE

    Brooke Shields is now pitching ProActiv for her acne. Will Tom Cruise get on her case for using drugs to get rid of zits? Will Tom announce that Matt Lauer doesn’t understand the history of pimples?

    SPRAY THE GALS

    I’ve noticed on body spray ad with Nick Lachey getting checked out by the ladies as he clicks away that there’s not a single bright, bouncy blond in the pack. Was that by design or fear of a lawsuit? Did he want to avoid being on the prowl for a Jessica Simpson clone? Or having to worry about Joe Simpson hitting on his new girlfriend?

    I have decided to write a book called How to Make Your Marriage Last Longer than Nick and Jessica. I can safely make such a claim since mine has outlasted their vows. Here’s just a little hint: Don’t have reality show crews in your house at all hours.

    JAYNE FEVER

    When did going to the movies turn into “Meatless Fridays?” Sure there’s a charm to some of the theatrical twigs, but I like my women like my shampoo – Full Bodied! And thankfully Fox has put out the Jayne Mansfield Collection. She was an actress who didn’t mind playing up the sex kitten to keep your eyeballs on the screen. The set contains The Girl Can’t Help It and Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? These two classic films were directed by Frank Tashlin, a former Looney Tunes guy who went into the world of live action. Mansfield is almost a cartoon the way she jiggles across the screen. The films deal with the worlds of rock music and advertising. Girl Can’t Help It features performances from Little Richard, Fats Domino, Gene Vincent, Eddie Cochran and Julie London. The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw is a slight comic western that is best known for being the first Western made in Spain thus becoming the birth of the Spaghetti Western.

    It’ll be great when Hollywood decides to bring the boobs back on the screen and not hire them to work in the executive suites. The biggest plus for this collection is the A&E Biography is uncensored. So you get to see the big highlights from Jayne’s Promises! Promises!

    SEXYBUTT?

    Is Justin Timberlake really bringing “SexyBack?” This song sounds like it was stolen from an old Nintendo game soundtrack. Shouldn’t I be shooting Space Invaders while listening to the song? Strange that he would say that he had Lance Bass’s back when his old boybander declared he was gay. Is Justine howling about Lance’s SexyBack?

    You know who is bringing Sexyback? Roxy Music. They’re returning with a whole new album. You want sexy? Put Avalon on the cd player. Music as smooth as your date’s undergarments.

    Justin’s record might be sexy if your date is tone deaf.

    There was a recent report that kids with sexually oriented songs on their iPods are more likely to have sex. When I was a big prog rock fan, I never got laid.  My bed was pretty empty when I had In the Court of the Crimson King on the turntable. During my English prog rock years, the nookie jar was empty. If you want your kids to hear “No” when asking for sex, buy them Yes’ Tales From Topographic Oceans. Soon as I moved beyond Emerson Lake and Palmer, it was like a bathing in Axe bodyspray. Ladies were all over me. Even though I’m married, I still keep my old prog rock albums hidden for fear of being cut off by the wife after she hears Tarkus.

    SCREW THE EMMYS

    I’m not too big of fan of Emmy awards . It’s all politics and popularity with this voting body. What’s amazing is how many great shows go without getting any major nominations. You can forgive the Oscars and the Grammys for blowing it because they are about one shot projects. Some films don’t have complete impact until a year or two after they’re released. But TV shows? They go on for years. So even if the Emmy goofs overlook a show in its first season or two, you’d expect they’d catch on by season three. So I ponder why shows like Oz, The Wire and Queer As Folk get shafted by these alleged voters? There’s so many great performers on these shows and they get zippo respect. How else do they explain Ellen Bursytn getting an Emmy nomination for being on the screen for 11 seconds? She gets Best Supporting actress for 11 seconds?

    I’m thankful for the internet age because I’m not tempted to watch the show. I can just click over to E!’s website and check on who has won. And I can sit back and watch something worthy of my attention like reruns of Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels.

    So while the Mediatric clones want to hype up these alleged awards, you should ignore them. The only good thing about winning an Emmy is that you can use the trophy to kill an intruder. It is not a child-safe award.

    GENE’S BALLS

    I’ve seen the first two episodes of Gene Simmons: Family Jewels and it was somewhat entertaining for a family reality show. Gene’s a major prick. He’s too goofy around his kids, sleazy around bimbos and vicious around industry folks to be embraced. I’d love to Gene hang out with my dad for a day. Not that it would be major entertainment. But it could turn into a Highlander competition for jerky dads.

    For all Gene’s talk about liking to hook up with other women – which is the reason he refuses to marry Shannon Tweed, we’ve yet to see him disappear into a hotel room with a Hooters girl. I’m waiting for the moment that the daughter can’t reach dad’s cellphone while the camera shows a locked hotel room door. Is he going to be all talk about being able to seek pleasure with other women?

    The show itself has two major things going for it. Son Nick Simmons is an amazing comic talent. He’s so comfortable playing himself on camera that he’s allowed to riff off his father without hesitation. It also helps that he might be the tallest TV son since Chip Cunningham on Happy Days. The second thing is that instead of solo interviews, they have at least two family members on the sofa talking about an issue. It’s good to see the reaction of other family members. Nick’s golden moment comes when he’s stuck on the sofa with Gene in full Kiss makeup. The son pleads for home viewers to adopt him away from his demon dad.

    Worse comes to weird, Nick can expect a call from The Surreal Life. Not sure about his band breaking it big. Doesn’t help that Gene stole Nick Simmons and the Electric Chairs from Wayne/Jayne County and the Electric Chairs. There’s a feud going on now between Gene and Jayne. Jayne’s already pissed because her first band’s name was Jayne County and the Backstreet Boys. Although in Jayne’s case, Backstreet Boy was meant as a gay sex moppet nickname.

    Will Gene and his crew make us forget the Osbournes? That’s a hard trick since the Osbournes were a walking disaster zone. Gene is too much in control. I do have to wonder why a guy with a band and custom built house doesn’t have a soundproof practice space/studio. And why his office desk doesn’t have a computer? How does Gene keep instant track of how many Kiss coffins have been sold in Japan?

    BEHIND THE SCENES TYPING

    For those of you wondering what I was typing in the Today Show piece, here it is:

    What more can I ask for? How about those tickets to the Playboy Mansion? Although I’m probably still on the list for insisting that Hef has Ozzy’s control problems. And what’s up with this year’s Ozzfest turning into a craptaculatr? When I saw the tour,  it was Sabbath and Judas Priest and even Slip Knot – this year it’s a bunch of bands that I wouldn’t sell to my mother’s aunt for yardwork. Ick. Now the camera is up on my face and

    SLIP ONS

    The shot in Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” where she puts on her high heels needs to go in the shoe fetish hall of fame.

    NAKED TRAVEL

    Now I can’t pack toothpaste in my carry on bag for plane flights? We should just show up at the airport naked and be forced to buy all new clothes at our destination.

    PISS ON PARIS

    Did I not predict that I could win the Tour De France with a bottle of clean urine? I enjoyed watching the X Games last week because half of the commentary on the events wasn’t taken up by discussions of doping and waiting for the winners to piss before they can talk to the press. Granted half of the people competing for X Games’ Gold couldn’t pass a piss test to get a job a 7-Eleven. But who cares? I want to see some death defying twirls. And Party Favors wishes Dave Mirra a speedy recovery from lacerating his liver. Isn’t that something that happens from drinking too much Goldschlager?

     

  • Interview: Maurice LaMarche

    -by Ken Plume

    When it comes to the kind of subjects I get it into my fool head to interview, they generally tend to be choices that your average celeb-chaser would blink twice at and then move on, with little comprehension of the fascinating people and careers that exist outside of names like Pitt, Gibson, Cruise, or Hilton.

    A few years back, I decided to begin interviewing cartoon voice actors. Spurred on by a love of animation and a deep respect for the often unsung actors who bring characters like Homer, Spongebob, Bugs Bunny, Ludwig Von Drake, Fry, Tigger, Huckleberry Hound (the list could go on, and on, and on), and many more to life, I set about doing in-depth interviews with as many voice actors (who would a) grant the request and b) not hang up) as possible.

    Due to various delays and scheduling snafus, many of these in-depth pieces have sat on the proverbial shelf for the past few years, but are finally being presented here at Quick Stop.

    The first interview from the vaults is with an amazingly gifted voice actor who an entire generation is familiar with as one half of Pinky & The Brain (the big-headed, world dominance craving Brain half), Maurice LaMarche. Suffice it to say, he’s had a fascinating and varied career, and I’d much rather leave it to the interview, and his own words, to tell you more…

    ——————————————————————-

    mo-01.jpgMAURICE LAMARCHE: Hey, Ken. Maurice here.

    KEN PLUME: It’s a pleasure to be speaking with you.

    LAMARCHE: Nice to speak with you. I wanted to do this from the pool of my Beverly Hills mansion, but I realized I don’t have one.  I’m gonna have to settle for parking on a side street in Beverly Hills and pulling out a Cuban cigar.

    KP: Aren’t there loaner pools for voice actors?

    LAMARCHE: I don’t know.  I wonder if there are talent pools for voice actors, and I hope to find one.

    KP: So you would you prefer Maurice, Mr. LaMarche, or just Sir?

    LAMARCHE: Mo. Everybody calls me Mo.

    KP: You’re Canadian, right?

    LAMARCHE: I am.

    KP: Born in the late 50’s…

    LAMARCHE: Yes, 1958.

    KP: Were you raised in Canada?

    LAMARCHE: I was not farm raised or grain fed, but yes, I was raised in Toronto.  Actually, I started life in Toronto and then immediately, almost like right out of the maternity ward, we moved to a little town called Timmins, Ontario, which is where Shania Twain is from.

    KP: There’s sort of a time warp aspect to the more rural areas of Canada.

    LAMARCHE: Yes, but I left when I was four so it was still the hippest place going as far as I was concerned.  Except for the 25 degree below zero days in May.  But other than that, it was all I knew. But it did give me the hardy texture I have today in terms of dealing with cold and all… I mean, I still go out in shirt sleeves in, you know, 40 degree weather out here, and people marvel at it.  My blood was thickened at an early age.

    KP: That’s as frigid as it gets in L.A., isn’t it?

    LAMARCHE: Oh yes.

    KP: What were the cultural aspects that you were exposed to at that time?  Canada at that time is a weird sort of cultural prism, and the elements weren’t exactly what we here in the U.S. would have had.

    LAMARCHE: It’s a bit of a bubble, I’d have to say, culturally.  I think a lot of staying in. The most important thing to do when you were a kid in Canada was to somehow get home from school without freezing to death, and going right inside and watching afternoon television.  So you always got a healthy dose of Star Trek and Batman and the Commander Tom show, which was a local cartoon host show.  Lots of butter tarts, which are this gooey, very fattening food which are needed to put a layer of blubber on most of us so that we can withstand the cold.  A lot of pain, a lot of tourtiere, which is a French Canadian meat pie.  Just warm, fatty comfort foods, you know, once you get in the door.  And a lot of Hockey Night in Canada, which was very difficult for me, because I’m the only heterosexual Canadian male born without the hockey gene.

    KP: How did that affect you growing up?

    LAMARCHE: There are flaming drag queens in Canada that care more about hockey than I do. And I don’t know how the hell that happened because my father palled around with the Mahovlich brothers and Al Arbor in his childhood.  He was from Timmins, and that’s where they’re all from, and if it wasn’t for his height, he actually might have made at least the farm teams. He was very talented as a hockey player and a natural athlete, and could skate rings around people.  It was actually fascinating to watch. 

    KP: So did you have issues with coordination?

    LAMARCHE: I just didn’t care.  It just didn’t register.  Didn’t appear as a blip on my radar.  It was none of my business.  The game going on at the Maple Leaf Gardens was no more my business than the fight my neighbors five doors down were having.

    KP: In Canada, that’s almost unpatriotic.

    LAMARCHE: It is, absolutely, and I was ostracized.  Even from my father.   He couldn’t figure me out.  He thought it was blasphemy that here I was this French Canadian kid and I didn’t care about hockey.

    KP: I can’t imagine how you would try and relate to the other kids then.

    LAMARCHE: I didn’t.  So hence I went into my own little world of cartoons and sixties television. There was a show on local TV there called Tiny Talent Time, and much like Bobby from King of the Hill, I remember going to my parents and telling them I wanted to go on Tiny Talent Time, and be a comedian.  And all they had was kids from the age of four to eleven doing their talent. It was a really cheesy show.  And I remember my grandmother said, “You wanna be a what?  A comedian? Oh, I can’t imagine anything so frickin’ ridiculous.”

    KP: So not only did you lack the hockey gene, but you wanted to be an entertainer.

    LAMARCHE: Yes. Now, my family were all natural entertainers.  My grandfather on my mother’s side was a master mimic.  He wasn’t professional, but he was well known in his group of friends for his impressions of Maurice Chevalier and Adolph Hitler.

    KP: What a winning combination.

    LAMARCHE: Yes.  Of course, you’ve got to realize this was pre-holocaust in the war.  He was just sort of this mean guy in Germany.  After the Nuremburg Trials the true horror of what he had done really began to spread through the world, but before that, he was just looked at as this aggressive SOB over in Europe and it was really none of anybody’s business.  So my grandfather did a great Hitler, a great Maurice Chevalier.  And my mother also could mimic any one of her friends.  She didn’t do famous people, but she would relate stories of conversations she’d had with her friends, and play all the friends in the conversation. You knew exactly who was talking, and four people were talking in this story. She kept it very, very distinct and separate and spoke in their voices, and she was a wonderful storyteller and joke teller.  My father had a very sardonic sort of sense of humor and just ridiculed everything.  So the two of them… my father couldn’t tell a joke to save his life, but my father denied the two main rules of comedy – which is brevity is the soul of wit and… well, this is more of an anti-rule – the joke is always about somebody else. It’s always about two Jews walk into a bar.  You don’t say, “I happened to walk into a tavern with two men of the Judaic faith.” My father would always cast himself as a character in the joke, completely ruining it.  I mean, God rest his soul, but I don’t know…

    KP: So he had both timing and structure issues.

    LAMARCHE: Absolutely.  But let somebody cut him off on the freeway, and my father could launch into a string of expletives – understated expletives – sarcastic, cutting references to the person that would have you on the floor laughing.  So my father was unintentionally funny whenever he tapped into his anger.  My mother, wonderful raconteur and mimic… and these two things missed me entirely.  No, I guess they sort of came together in me and formed whatever sense of humor and comedy that I have.

    mo-02.jpgQS: Did you get a sense at that point that the mimicry ability and humor was not something that everyone had?

    LAMARCHE: Yes. I felt like I’d escaped from the bottled city of Kandor.

    KP: And making a very nice  Superman reference.

    LAMARCHE: Yes indeed.  And coming here, it’s like going back into the bottled city of Kandor because I meet people like Billy West and Jim Cummings and Jess Harnell and Jeff Glen Bennett, and… who else am I leaving off the list that I think is absolutely brilliant?  Rob Paulsen, of course.  A whole passel of people that can do what I do.  So it’s like Brainiac beamed me back in the bottle where I’m with all these other people with super powers.  So I’m just sort of ordinary here.  But yeah, it made me stand out, and I guess people didn’t quite know what to make of me.  I was sent to school psychologists because I wouldn’t stop doing these voices and acting out these cartoons and playing all the characters.

    KP: Was it an inclusive thing, where you were the class clown, or did you create your own little world and it was an “everyone else be damned” kinda thing?

    LAMARCHE: In earlier life, absolutely it was my own little world. Only in my junior year in high school did I learn to harness my powers for good instead of evil.  In other words, I learned to turn it outwards.  The turning point for me was 10th grade and the high school variety show.  I was schticking around in the cafeteria with a couple of the seniors, and they said, “He’d be great.”  This one guy, Harry Van Bommel turns to Steve Barton – I know you know these guys, so that’s why I’m telling you – and said, “He’d be great in the variety night.”  Steve Barton said, “Yeah.”  I said, “But what would I do?  All I’m doing with you guys is just floating lines from television shows.” And Steve Barton said, “Don’t worry, I’ll write you an act.”  So he wrote a little three minute long standup, “celebrities as waiters.”  And I actually used that bit.  I mean obviously I refined it, tweaked it, but I used that bit up until the very last day I did standup.  It remained a cornerstone of my act.  And lo and behold, I got a standing ovation at the variety night, and everything changed.  The next day I came to school, I was no longer the outcast.  I was a hero, people were treating me special and nice as though somehow or other this thing that I’ve always been able to do, that got me ridiculed, was now something to be admired.  It was a bit heady.  I imagine at an early, early age… it’s like those athletes that peak in high school.  I had, like, this degree of celebrity within the microcosm of my school, and it kind of sent me into a bit of a headspin kinda space.

    KP: Were you able to accept and enjoy it, or was it something you were suspicious of?

    LAMARCHE: No, I accepted and enjoyed it a little too much and began to think a little too much of myself.  But I quickly snapped out of that when I entered the real world.  I took my little high school act down to New York and open mic night at the Improv when I was… how old was I when I did that?  I was 18.  And when they didn’t ask me immediately to become a regular and move down to New York and – quite the opposite – they just totally ignored me…

    KP: That was what – ’75, ’76?

    LAMARCHE: That would be the summer of 1977.  So I’m mistaken – I had just turned 19. 

    KP: That period was quite a heady time within the comic community.

    LAMARCHE: Yes it was.  Maybe the best thing I could have done was to actually move down to New York at that time, but when I walked past Silver Friedman and she… you know, I didn’t make a blip on her radar, and she said, “Well, come back next month I guess.” I went back to Toronto with my tail between my legs.  But I’d gotten my first taste.

    KP: Was there a sense, growing up in Canada, that entertainment originated outside the country?  That you had to go elsewhere?

    LAMARCHE: Well, we had our own entertainers.  They weren’t very entertaining, but they were there. Actually, there were some very good people.  Second City was getting going then.  And I think because of developing in the bubble, it developed its own kind of humor.  Very self-deprecating, much along the lines of the Canadian national character at the time.  References upon references, somewhat unstructured.  Not Pythonesque, but almost.

    KP: Well, the comedy kinda combined the best aspects of both British and American humor, didn’t it?

    LAMARCHE: I think so.  But again, I think in both cases, neither of those styles is as culturally referential as, say, some of the stuff Second City did… for instance, that Fantasy Island routine that became a Bob Hope routine.  Just constantly going inside itself.  I think that was uniquely Canadian.  Other than that it’s really hard to nail down what Canadian humor is.

    KP: It’s almost comedy in search of an identify, isn’t it?

    LAMARCHE: Yeah, but it’s finding itself.  It’s finding itself. The Kids in the Hall, and Second City of course, and now all those guys are becoming the grand old men of comedy.  The new Burroughs.

    KP: Was the goal to be a success outside of the country?

    LAMARCHE: You were actually shunned if you did that.  I remember… let me think here.  Oh, here it was.  I was watching Jeopardy last night in the restaurant – it was the high school edition of Jeopardy – and I turned to the person I was with and I said, “Look at this.  Alex Trebek has come full circle.”  And the person, being American, had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained that when I first started out, I had a little job at a TV station in Toronto when Alex Trebek was doing Reach for the Top, which was a high school student quiz show.  And I, at the time, had just landed my first job in show business, which was hosting a local variety show. Kind of like Tiny Talent Time except they feature high school students.  And me being just out of high school, they thought I’d be a good host for it.  So when I was negotiating my contract, I was getting a big $175 per episode.  And I remembered saying to my friend last night, at one point Alex Trebek and I were making the same money – because my producer of this show explained to me that that’s what Trebek gets for Reach for the Top: $175.  And when Alex Trebek came down to California to host High Rollers, everybody at that local station turned their noses up at him as though he’d sold out to the great American entertainment Satan.

    KP: He should be happy with his $175…

    LAMARCHE: It wasn’t about the $175, it was about the fact that he was doing a high level quiz show for high school students, and that that should be his calling in life, and that this should be okay.  You know, that he should be satisfied with that.  I guess there’s the sense of, in Canada, “Who do you think you are to go beyond the ceiling?”  This is actually part of the reason I hate socialism and why I’m not living there today, amongst other factors, the prime of which is that I’d never want to put my back out shoveling another friggin’ driveway.  But the idea that there’s this cap and it’s actually this ceiling that’s actually quite low that you should never try to break out of, otherwise everybody looks at you saying, “Who the hell do you think you are to try to be better than the rest of us?”  It’s dangerous.  And I absolutely heard at least three people talk about Trebek that way.  That he…

    KP: So it’s a fervent defense of the middle ground…

    LAMARCHE: Absolutely. And why should anybody try to… don’t rock the boat, we’re all getting our health care taken care of, it’s free… Of course it’s not free. It comes from the astronomical taxes that the Canadians pay, but they all think their health care’s free.  Meanwhile, 66% of their money’s going away.  That’s the free health care.

    KP: Ironic that the show they shunned him for leaving was called Reach for the Top.

    LAMARCHE: Yeah.  It should have been called Reach for the Middle.  No, they wanted him to return to Reach for the Top, and you know what, to Trebek’s credit, he actually came back and did Reach for the Top for the same $175 for another season while they were paying him $10,000 a week down in the states to host the first season of High Rollers.  He still came back. He felt a moral duty and a sense of purpose that he was quizzing high school students and keeping the bar high in terms of educational standards.  Finally though he said it’s just not worth coming back to Toronto to do this.  I assume.

    KP: Was the shaming overt? 

    LAMARCHE: Not to his face.  Behind his face.

    KP: Was it something he could feel?

    LAMARCHE: I have no idea.

    KP: Was it something that you felt?

    LAMARCHE: Oh yes, absolutely.  When I left and made the attempt to better myself, the comedians at the comedy club, two or three of them wished me well, but most of them told me how tough it would be and why are you going there, you’ve got a good thing going here, you’re a big fish in a small pond here, stay in the small pond.  I just didn’t see it that way.  I saw it as my job to make the best of my lot in life.  I’ve got this talent and let’s see what I can do with it.  Let’s take it all the way.  Now a few things… I had a few bumps in the road and I did retire from standup… retire… I left standup after my dad was murdered, but… this isn’t a very linear interview, is it?

    KP: No, they never are, and that’s usually for the best.

    LAMARCHE: Okay.

    KP: I’m not gonna limit the conversation is what I’m saying.

    LAMARCHE: Okay.  But as I said, there were a few bumps in the road, and… but my point is I still saw the States as that old cliché, the land of opportunity.  You can become anything you want to be here.  That’s why I still love this country.

    KP: When you’re actively making that decision, how difficult… you talk about your first foray down to the Improv.  That didn’t go as you had hoped, and when you returned, does it harden you and make you even more resolved to go back, or is it something that turned you off for the immediate future?

    LAMARCHE: No, no. I absolutely wanted to come back and try and do better.  I actually had a little anxiety attack when I got back from Toronto, which manifested in my chest so everybody thought I’d had a heart attack, and I actually went to the hospital.  Of course with the free health care… free health care that my parents’ taxes were paying for, I stayed in the hospital for three weeks for observation.  For having chest pains at 19 years old.  You know, because why not?  We’ve got all this money to spend on health care. 

    KP: Are you saying it’s not terribly efficient?

    LAMARCHE: Do you get that impression?

    KP: It’s kind of subtle.

    LAMARCHE: I’m not trying to hit you over the head with it or anything. 

    KP: What were you thinking, laying there for three weeks under observation?

    LAMARCHE: I was thinking I wish I’d just belched and gotten the damn gas out of my chest or whatever the hell it was.  No, actually, what I was thinking truthfully was, “Oh my god there’s something horribly wrong with me.  Look at all this attention I’m getting!  Hey, maybe I can parlay this into getting laid.”  That’s what I was really thinking.

    KP: Well, at least it gave you time to think.

    LAMARCHE: Mm-hmm.

    KP: If you hadn’t had an anxiety attack, would you have thought about going back into the fold and saying, “I gotta get out of here…”?

    mo-03.jpgLAMARCHE: Actually, if I hadn’t had the anxiety attack, I probably would have told my mom and dad “I’m moving down to New York this week.”  And I’ve always regretted not moving to New York.  I came straight to Los Angeles three years later, and I always… afterwards, in retrospect, I thought it was a mistake.  I think that a couple of years in New York would have made me a stronger comedian.  I think nobody… there’s an earthiness to New Yorkers that makes you funnier.  That gives you a bit more of an edge.  And I think by forestalling for three years, I got to L.A., you know, without much refinement.  And I think that would have been a baptism of fire that would have refined my comedy muscles a little more. 

    KP: What did your act consist of at the time?

    LAMARCHE: My act?  They used to describe me, “He’s like Rich Little on speed.”  I used to do very rapid fire impressions.  My downfall as a comedian, or my shortcoming rather as a comedian, was that I never had great material.  I don’t think I was clever enough to write great material, and I never really… apart from one really great writing session with a guy named Josh Goldstein who went on to create Fresh Prince.  He wrote on Fresh Prince.  He co-created the one that was on Saturday nights about the Kennedy era, American something.

    KP: American Dreams?

    LAMARCHE: American Dreams.  He co-created American Dreams.  Anyway, Josh and I paired up for like two days and wrote about 10 strong minutes, but I had 30 minutes, so the 10 strong minutes in my act were from the Josh session, and the rest of it was just me kinda demo-ing my voices.  Sort of the high point of my career was I got to be on the 1985 HBO Young Comedians Special, the 9th Annual Young Comedians Special. And I watched it the other day, and I thought to myself, you know, I was about two years away from becoming really good, and probably about five years away from becoming great, because the problem with impressionists is we don’t say anything from the stage.  We just put on these little skits.  Putting celebrities in wacky jobs and weird situations and implying a homosexual relationship between two well-known characters.  You know, those little devices, but we don’t come from anywhere.

    KP: So it’s more about performance.

    LAMARCHE: Yeah.  And I think I was about five years away from figuring out that I could be the only impressionist that actually comes from somewhere. That has something to say. But you know, unfortunately in 1987 my dad’s best friend thought it would be a good idea to resolve a little argument they were having by shooting him in the chest, and I went into a tailspin of depression.  I began drinking and that became problematic. 

    KP: At that point was there nowhere you could turn?

    LAMARCHE: No, I was in therapy, but it’s tough to work through therapy when you come in smashed.  You absolutely must go through therapy sober.  Otherwise it’s not gonna work. It’s like turning on the air conditioning and a space heater in the same room. You’re not gonna get anything.  So I eventually did get sober in 1989.  I stopped drinking on January 20th, 1989, and haven’t had a drink since.  By then I’d lost so much momentum, and I realized there were still Reagan jokes in my act.  It was just tough to get… after falling off the horse and staying off of it for a full two years, I just never quite got back on.

    KP: Can you define the spark that disappeared?  Was it your heart wasn’t in it?

    LAMARCHE: In 1987 when my dad died, I remember thinking that I… this is the one thing… don’t forget, we got the hockey thing still hanging there.  The idea that my father was ashamed of me. And this was the one thing he was truly proud of me for, that I’d found my niche in life and I was doing this thing and I was doing it quite well.  In spite of my own critique of myself and my material.  I was opening… the outside world was treating me okay for it. I was the opening act for Rodney Dangerfield for a year and a half.  The Temptations and the Four Tops had me on the road with them.  I opened for George Carlin, David Sanborn, Donna Summer.  I was playing Las Vegas, Atlantic City.

    KP: So it’s not like you weren’t a working comedian.

    LAMARCHE: Oh no. God no.  It was actually tough to split my time between this new career that I’d started, as sort of a part time job in voiceover work, and this full time schedule of traveling around the country opening for famous people, and doing quite well in front of them.  Because I was an extra.  I was just this little extra… you know, the appetizer for them.  But they got this 20 minutes of funny impressions and stuff like that.  But my father used to fly in from wherever he was in the world – and he was quite the world traveler, especially in his later years after he’d made money.  And he would surprise me, come in from Europe just to watch me in Las Vegas… because Las Vegas was sorta his town, you know.  So for him to see his boy’s name on the marquis in big letters at Caesar’s Palace -because Rodney was very generous with billing… He absolutely insisted on giving his opening act 50% billing, which are huge letters when you come right down to it.  That was just such a thrill for him, and it was the one thing I’d done that had made him proud. And when he died, I made a decision that it wasn’t worth making anybody laugh ever again if I wasn’t going to get to make him laugh and make him proud of me.  So I made a conscious decision to abandon this thing, because it would just be too painful to look out at the audience realizing that I’ll never see his Camel nonfilter cigarette burning in his hand in the third row, where I can just barely make out his silhouette.  So there was that. Then there was just the inevitable self-pity that came with being a drunk, and finally after being two years out of the game, just feeling as though I was out of touch with the scene, and that I didn’t know how I would ever be able to get on the bike again…

    KP: There’s a quote attributed to you that Sam Kinison said in a Rolling Stone interview…

    LAMARCHE: Yeah…

    KP: That “You can make them laugh, but you can’t make them happy…”

    LAMARCHE: Yeah.

    KP: What period did that quote come out of?

    LAMARCHE: When we were both doing standup.  We both had gotten quite smashed one night, and Sam was actually very sad.  He was actually in tears.  His girlfriend was consoling him because he was wondering about whether what we did meant anything.  And he said, “Maurice, we help people, don’t we?  We make ’em happy?”  And I said, “No Sam, we make them laugh but we can’t make them happy.”  He went, “Yeah, yeah,” and he kept balling because he really felt like his life was meaningless. (laughing)  Mr. Cheerful helping Sam out!  But it’s the reality.  There’s a huge difference between fun and happiness.  Fun is momentary.  Fun happens in little short spurts and then it’s over. 

    KP: When you’d get up on stage as a comedian during that period, who were you getting up on stage for?  Yourself or others?

    LAMARCHE: Well, that really became a turning point for me.  I realized I was doing it for myself. And the couple of attempts that I’d made at getting back into it, a good friend of mine, Mike Binder said – I don’t mean to drop names, but here… because Anthony Hopkins told me never to do that – but Mike Binder’s a very funny comedian… He created the series Mind of a Married Man. He said, “Before you go up on stage, Mo, say a prayer to god that you’ll be of service to the audience. That you’ll be able to make the one guy laugh who was there because he’s had a rough day, rough week at the office or he’s got a sick child or something like that, and he really needs to get away from his problems, and you’ll bring a laugh to that guy.”  Because I actually made a very, very short lived attempt to get back into standup in 1990. And tragically enough – and I’m not saying these two things coincide – my little sister was killed in a car accident in September of 1990 at the age of 18 and I just, you know… at that point I just threw up my hands and went, “Oh, that’s it.  I don’t have any funny left in me.  I’m done.”  But in that little period there where I tried to come back to it, that stayed with me, and of course when one recovers from alcoholism one has to live one’s life on a more spiritual basis, so I tried to adapt that, and I did fine. It was a better feeling getting up on stage, praying that prayer, “God, help me bring a laugh to somebody who really needs one today.”  It definitely… there was a turnaround there and it felt better.

    KP: But prior to that, would you say you were doing it more along the lines of sort of a lingering feeling of how you felt in high school when you first got that big rush?

    LAMARCHE: Yeah, it was absolutely all about me.  Mm-hmm.  No question.

  • Take Me Home Blog #5 – The Power of Negative Thinking

     

    takemehomeheader.jpg

    Just how long does it take you to say “no”?  

    Try it.  Go on, no one’s looking.

    There.  Not too hard, was it?  Well, pat yourself on the back, my friend.  For some people, say… our prospective investors, that two-letter word took over TWO MONTHS to say.  Consider yourself blessed.  You have done in one second what took a team of very wealthy men an entire summer!  Remember that next time you’re on the couch, watching reruns of The Simpsons and questioning your self-worth.  Just say, “hey, I can do in one second what took a team of wealthy lawyers an entire summer.”  Then continue eating Cheetos off your chest, knowing you are truly great.

    Yes, indeed, our film has been derailed… two months shy of our start date.  On Thursday we found out that our investors, who had seemingly been so enthusiastic about our film, backed out.  This is after several months of positive banter about the project.  Solidifying contracts.  Perusing budgets.  Last minute clarifications.  Appeasement.  All for a big, fat “NO”.

    WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.  No.  We saw this coming, and yet we did nothing.  It was as if we locked our keys in the car and KNEW we were locking our keys in the car AS we shut the door.  Like, “Oh, wow.  I’m locking my keys in the car and AW, DAMMIT!  Why did I DO THAT!!”

    Why DID we do that?  Well, we had our options.  We could A). Work very hard to ensure that several pockets of investors are deciding simultaneously on yet another very sound business venture, or B) put all our eggs in one basket.  Needless to say, the choice was obvious.  I mean, who doesn’t like a basket of eggs?!

    ON THE PLUS SIDE?
    This is not the first film to lose its funding in the final hour, and it won’t be the last.  Hopefully, it’s the last for US, though.  And if there is something positive to come from this (and there isn’t, mind you), it’s that we have our answer.  True, it’s not the one we were hoping for, but it IS an answer.  We know where we stand at last. And now, beginning this very day, we can start rebuilding.  Learning from our egregious mistakes.  Finding yet another avenue for this film. 

    I’ve got to be honest, I have not been enjoying this process.  Not lately.  The reason? I put the worth of my film (and ashamedly, a little of my own self-worth) into some businessmens’ hands. Not the most comforting place to be.

    I went back to Ohio this weekend for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. I got to see all the people I love most in the world. My brother and sisters. Mom and dad. Cousins, nieces, nephews…. All of them there to celebrate a woman who lived through The Great Depression, World War II, and The Cabbage Patch Doll hysteria of ’83. Not exactly an easy life. But let’s be honest, I think my investor woes stack up pretty good against that Great Depression crap, right? RIGHT?!

    If I were in the midst of curing cancer, or AIDS, (heck, even gonorrhea) this might be worth the stress. But what is this?! It’s a movie. Is it going to change the entire world? Not likely (though I’ve got a good feeling about parts of Central Asia).

    So why have I let this get to me so much? This tiny little word “no”?!

    In the end, if I’m not finding value in making this movie, even in (gulp) the rejections, what’s the point? What if, instead of five more months, it takes five more YEARS to get this film made? Am I going to be miserable all five years? As much as admire that kind of committed depression, I think I’d rather start enjoying myself again.

    “Sometimes it is better to travel than to arrive.”
    -Robert M. Piesig
    “Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”

     

    -Sam Jaeger

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  • Spook’d #90: Extreme Lair Makeover – Still Bringing Down the House

    by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with colors by Anthony Lee

    Larger sized comic | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

    Spook'd #90: Extreme Lair Makeover - Still Bringing Down the House

    To see Spook’d host Alastor’s blogging silliness and more fun Spook’d stuff,visit the Spook’d Web site!

    Check out the preview to…

    E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | SPOOK’D BLOG | SPOOK’D FORUM | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

    Disclaimer: All material in Spook’d is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.

  • Preachin’ from the Longbox: You’ve Got the Look

     

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    This Week’s Sermon – “You’ve Got the Look”

    August 14, 2006

    A common thread that has been persuasive throughout most of the past PftL columns is the devilish way that I have compared Marvel’s choices of their character-licensed products and the sexual decisions of a drunken Tara Reid on the E! Channel.   Basically, any guy in the bar/club will get a chance with her.   And I’m not exaggerating.  If you don’t believe me, watch an episode of Taradise and try to tell me with a straight face that she’s not looking for a poke-her party with the locals at the very least. 

    Marvel HerocutI’m also not kidding about Marvel either.  Some choice Marvel-licensed products include such winners like those Wahl Haircut Kits, the never-imitated, never-duplicated Super Lithos (their website has been off-line for some time due to an unspecified reason ““ hmm, I wonder why?) and those wonderful half-dollar coins (coins + super-heroes = lame).  I won’t begin to mention their highly sketchy relationships with Dynamic Forces (and their huckster HSN showcases) and Wizard Entertainment (who have somehow become Marvel’s exclusive convention provider).  Now, I realize that there are some Zombies living in this world that will buy tons of merch that is Marvel Comics-related.  (Although, I’m not so biased that I wouldn’t miss out on picking up a low-grade Mjolnir on the cheap for $10 at Amazon.com.)  But when you’re dropping some decent paper on a Captain America-endorsed haircut gizmo, you will buy almost anything.  And that you really don’t care about your physical appearance.

    (Speaking about buying crap, is it me or have hard times hit both entertainment stalwarts, Huey Lewis and Sally Fields?  Within a span of a day, I saw Mr. “I Need A New Drug” pushing TimeLife’s “Superstars of the 80s” CD compilations while the old Ma Gump was pushing some calcium supplement called Boniva.  Don’t get me wrong; I would take that endorsement money in a heartbeat.  But these two should have enough dough in the bank so they wouldn’t have to resort to hocking crap in informercial-lite commercials.  It’s truly sad.  Alright, back to the column”¦)

    And I was content with keeping that opinion.  That was until I saw something that caught my eye that would be a perfect item for me to give it the always-tough PftL product quality test.

    With the help of moneymaking movies like Superman Returns, the X-Men and Spider-Man franchise, the market for comic book apparel for adults seems to be blowing up.  Okay, that might be an overstatement but it looks that way in my closet.  And nothing feels better in the Metro Washington DC, 110-degree 100% humidity hotter-than-hell summer than flip-flops, cargo shorts and a slick superhero t-shirt.

    The Super-LithoBut, in those very same max A/C, fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk summers, that T usually turns into a wet and heavy cotton rag.  Aside from the noxious stench that you might be perpetrating with that shirt, sweating that much doesn’t look all that cool unless you’re strugg-a-ling to run on a 10-minute mile on the old treadmill.  And unfortunately, if you’re a single guy and that shirt has a screen print of Superman or Spider-Man, odds are that those muscle-bound heroes in colorful tights is not going to win too many points with the opposite sex; even if you’re married.  Take it from me, folks.

    Now, before I go any further, let me be frank with you guys (and gals).  I’ve got way too many t-shirts.  There’s enough of them to make my wife tell me that I’d better start thinning them out myself or she’ll do it for me (with disastrous consequences, at least my imagination leads me to believe).  So, as my piles of finely woven 100% cotton tees slowly dwindle, I needed to find a way to increase my t-shirt collection on the sly.

    Then, I found this site called PureHero.com.  If this is the first time that you’re hearing about this site, then an introduction is needed.  Here’s where they’re coming from pulled right off their website:

    We, here at PureHero, believe that superhero fans want and deserve more than the same old tee-shirt. We design premium performance apparel that reflects our love for superheroes, using the best sports designs. Whether playing classic or extreme sports, gaming, or just studying physics like Peter Parker, you’ll love our product ““ how it feels, how it works, how it looks.

    Now, that’s saying something.  But is there truth in their claim of providing premium performance apparel for the superhero fan?  Or it is just the usual internet hype?  I posed those questions to myself when I decided to put one of their more popular products, the Punisher Performance Technical Crew Top, through the PftL quality apparel and situational test.

    Britt Schramm - Test Dummy

    So, with pen, paper and clipboard in hand ala Dr. Rudy Wells, I started grading how the t-shirt performed in certain “stressful” functions to see how the shirt’s ability to wick away sweat worked.  But first, here were my initial impressions of the shirt when I received it in the mail.

    The Packaging ““ The shirt was polybagged, which give a good understanding that they know their clientele.  Ripping that bag open was somewhat cathartic.  That being said, it wouldn’t surprise me that CBG will decide to start slabbing these shirts in order to drive up the secondary market.

    The Look ““ The skull logo looks sharp.  It’s high quality rubberized gray with a silver metallic trim, which does look better on the shirt than a stark white one in person.  No tired, ghetto-style silk-screening process here.  The Punisher script on the back neck is a nice touch.  The shirt’s color is just that ““ a straight up, dark as night black; not a lighter shade or heather.  A red Marvel tag on the right side reminds me of a certain jeans company but more in homage way than anything else.

    The Feel ““ The shirt’s weave is buttery soft and feels nice against the skin.  Depending on the size ordered, it can be as tight as those Under Armour Compression shirts or as loose as a regular tee. (In case you were wondering, I’m went with the latter.  I realize that my body may resemble the Comic Book Guy more than I’d care to admit.)

    It is Hip to Sell-OutSo, after the shirt passed the initial part of this consumer report testing, it was time for the field work.

    Scenario #1 ““ Rather than get right out there and push the limits of the shirt (stop laughing), I decided to go slow and ramp up the testing.  I broke out the shirt for an impromptu evening screening of Clerks 2 in humid Florida.  I thought that it was a good initial foray into a social gathering among some likeminded friends.  I got a couple of favorable comments on the shirt and there was no outright guffawing by the other patrons of the gigaplex.  And while I wasn’t sweating in the nice air-conditioned theater, the shirt didn’t hamper my ability to laugh my ass off.  So, based on those results, the shirt passed the first test.  But there were two more to come.

    Scenario #2 ““ The next time I wore the shirt, it was to my mother-in-law’s birthday party.  Now, before you say that this is not a test, let me explain a couple of things to you.  First off, my mother-in-law does not like to hang out inside ““ no matter how hot it is on the outside.  I’ve got nothing against hanging out on the porch but when the temps are almost hitting the century mark, I’m looking for AC, plain and simple.  But at her house, she still likes the inside to be around 80 degrees Fahrenheit.  Let’s just say that I wasn’t drowning in my own sweat while I was there, but the shirt did get some work.  The shirt did get a little damp from sweat but it dried within minutes and I actually survived the party without dying from heatstroke.  I don’t know about you but that would definitely get a pass in my book.  On to the third and last test”¦

    Scenario #3 ““ To prevent that image in the mirror to become more and more like that Android’s Dungeon guy, I decided at the beginning of the year to drop a few pounds.  And thus began my love-to-hate exercise affair.  Unfortunately, a new job has prevented me from working out at lunch so I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon for the time being.  However, since I wanted to test the shirt out, I decided to go out and shoot some raindrops at the work hoop.  At noon during the hottest, damn day in the Metro Washington DC area.  Yeah, I’m not the smartest guy around but you should’ve known that by now.  After a few minutes, the shirt was getting a heavy dose of the wet stuff.  And it was working great as the material was in the process of getting drenched; it dried relatively quickly for that kind of output.  The one slight knock on the shirt is not really on the shirt itself but in the style.  It would’ve been great to get a sleeveless shirt for sports the require full range motion of the arms like basketball or those 12-ounce curls in front of the teevee.  Though, after all was said and done on the blacktop, I left the court like I usually did back in the day ““ exhausted and limping.  But unlike most of those other times, my shirt didn’t look like it was partying down in Fort Lauderdale during Spring Break.  Really, no one needs to see that.

    Overall ““ This Punisher Performance Technical Crew Top is a great item and is moving into top rotation in my t-shirt wearing schedule.  It has the science behind it for the active lifestyle but has the panache of a slacker counter jockey.    Again, the only knock that I have is that I want a sleeveless version of the crew shirt so I can dominate on the glass while getting a more complete farmer’s tan.  Truthfully, this shirt should be considered a cross-training shirt; you can wear it from couch to court without looking like a schlub.  I can’t recommend it enough.

    To that end, the very generous people at PureHero.com have given my peeps (that’s you guys – my loyal readers) a sweet deal just for reading this column.  Check it out below:

    PureHero.com Promo Code

    Remember, it only lasts until the middle of September so buy it like you stole it, people.

    The PftL Inbox

    Fellow Big Planet loyalist Adam J writes:

    As much as I love Robert DeLeo, I must say, I doubt Army of Anyone will sell many records.  And this is coming from someone who loved the Talk Show record.  Is this “supergroup’s” (and let’s be honest, anything involving David Lee Roth’s backing band can’t be that super) album even out?

    PftL:  Adam, it’s great to hear that there’s someone else who really dug that Talk Show CD, a very underrated effort by the three non-smacked out members of STP and some English guy.  And you’re right; the AoA CD is not out yet.  But a guy can hold out some hope for it do actually be good, right?  And yeah, having a former DLR bandmate doesn’t sound all that super.

    Deadpool and Plastic man would be bad ass though.  What about a Madrox/Booster Gold team up…?

    PftL:  A Madrox/Booster Gold team-up would be a solid book.  I could see someone well-versed in wordplay like Robert Kirkman writing it with some left field artist like Jim Mahfood or Doug Mahnke drawing the one-shot.  And I could see it sell pretty well.  But as well as Army of Anyone?  Ehh, maybe or maybe not.  How do you like that for decisiveness? 

    — ### —

    Co-chair of the PftL regular emailers’ club, Chet K, chimes in about coming to grips with being an “out” nerd:

    Just a note to let you know the harmful effects of this nerd stigma.  I have long wished to attend comic con, but I have so feared the stigma of being labled an uber-nerd that I have never even contemplated actually going.  Now, I am “out” with my close friends and family.  They know about my closet Star Wars trivia addiction as well as my unsightly bouts of utter lunatic excitement that accompanies every new superhero movie and cartoon.  However, as far as my co-workers and other professional contacts might know I could be a die hard Nascar fan, albeit without the requisite mullet. 

    PftL:  Hey, Chet, my man, watch the NASCAR fan comments.  I’m a card-carrying member of that club.  And for your information, not all of us have mullets.  (Although I do rock the “all business in the front, nothing but a party in the back” cut, which I cut with my officially licensed Marvel Haircut Clippers by Wahl, and have my old El Camino on blocks in the front yard).  But that’s beside the point.

    Now, in my opinion, the biggest roadblock to nerd-dom becoming an accepted social condition is the nerd on nerd hate”¦A house divided cannot stand.  Nerds must unite and accept one another before we can expect anyone, especially journalists (who are barely sentient anyway) to accept us.  Solidarity brothers (and very few sisters)!

    PftL:  There’s a ring of truth in that statement.  I can’t stand that other fans of more niche stuff like Trekkies, LARPers or even Civil War Re-enactors try to come off as better when they put down another group of fans by calling them “nerds”.  And yet, there’s nothing better than making fun of my Trekkie boss by saying that “Voyager” was the best Trek series around when it’s clearly should be “Deep Space 9″.  Gets him every time.

    — ### —

    The wrap-up

    First, I’ve changed ISP providers, which means that I have a new mailing address. Just click on my name and you’ll get the new addy. So, make with the clicky-clicky and send some email to yours truly so you can get in this column..

    Second, if you’re a new reader and would like to read some of the archived Preachin’ from the Longbox and laugh at my earlier attempts at writing a column or if you just want to relive some good times, just click below and it’ll take you there:

    Preachin' from the Longbox Archive

    — ### —

    I’m off the Longbox this week. Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight. Until next time”¦

    -britt

     

     

     

     

  • Film Flam Flummox – August 11, 2006

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    August 11, 2006

    WTC = M8 4 TV

    World Trade CenterTo pan a work as sincere and well-intentioned as WORLD TRADE CENTER would seem a bit of a bullying move, but for all its noble intent Oliver Stone’s film brings to celluloid life makes just about every fear anyone had about a Hollywood treatment of the 9/11 tragedy. The specific real-life story Stone tells is indeed one worth telling: the rescue of Port Authority policemen John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage) and Will Jimeno (Michael Peña) from underneath the rubble of the twin towers. For about twenty or so minutes, Stone finds a fresh angle to what the audience has become all too familiar with, staying with McLoughlin, Jimeno, and their ill-fated colleagues as they are among the first inside the building after the planes hit the World Trade Center–and the buildings collapse right on them. The catastrophe and the immediate aftermath are gripping; Stone gives the collapse a chilling you-are-there immediacy.

    But the genuine terror makes for manufactured mush once the action shifts from outside the rubble and McLoughlin and Jimeno’s families as they wait for news on their loved ones. As hard as Maria Bello (as McLoughlin’s wife) and Maggie Gyllenhaal (as Jimeno’s very pregnant spouse) work to make the suffering real, they are at the mercy of first-time screenwriter Andrea Borloff’s Hollywood hackneyed script, which have the two spouting unconvincing dialogue (such as Bello’s “He gave the best years of his life to you” rant to the police department) and doing only-in-the-movies actions to amp up the “drama” (Gyllenhaal storms out of a car in a huff because a stop light was taking too long). Reportedly a great deal of research went into the script, and the words spoken and the actions taken may have very well taken place, but as committed to film they come off as artificial–and Stone, never one known for subtlety, hammers everything home with a heavy hand, confirming that straight-laced sincerity is not organic to this natural born filmmaker’s repertoire. I’m not one who thinks that a 9/11 movie needs to be dark and depressing or have a distinct political point of view; I’m certain a truly inspirational film celebrating the courage and resilience that came to the fore on 9/11 can be made and is perhaps even needed. World Trade Center isn’t that film, though; for all the A-level big screen talent involved, its mawkish manipulation is no different than any typically trite TV-movie based on a real-life tragedy.

    Missing a Step

    Step UpThe TV spots for STEP UP claim that it “captures the voice of a generation,” and if that’s the case, then the voice of the youth hasn’t changed at all in the five years since Save the Last Dance hit theatres. Once again classical dancer (Jenna Dewan) meets street dancer (Channing Tatum), and through some plot contrivance they become unlikely rehearsal partners for her big school showcase. Along the way his keep-it-real hip-hop style loosens up her traditional one; his aimless existence gains some order and purpose; and they, of course, fall in love. Dewan and Tatum are capable dancers and likable presences, as are Drew Sidora and Damaine Radcliff as their respective best friends, but director Anne Fletcher doesn’t dress up the old blueprint with enough energetic dancing to distract from the gnashing gears of a mechanical plot.

    Hold on to the Nights

    Talladega NightsWith Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and now TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY, Will Ferrell and director/writing collaborator Adam McKay have carved out a comfortable comic niche in taking confidently clueless oafs and pulling the rug out from under the core of resolutely prototypical alpha male existence. This time, it’s Deep South Americana and NASCAR hyper-machismo rather than ’70s TV news, and the results are sharper, smarter, and funnier as Ferrell and McKay are able to hone their episodic, personality-driven approach into a more cohesive overall story. Not that personality isn’t the engine that drives this wild, fast ride; Ferrell’s champion race car driver Ricky Bobby is no doubt an exaggerated paragon of male and American arrogance and chauvinism, but he’s innocently, not mean-spiritedly, so, and Ferrell’s innate sincerity paired with his go-for-broke commitment to the part make it easy for the audience to root for Ricky as he attempts to make it back to the race track after a traumatizing crash. The arc of Ricky’s story also allows Ferrell and McKay to savvily spin on sports biographies, cheerfully making beelines toward every corny cliché only to subvert any sap (and never ultimately surrender to it, unlike the oeuvre of fellow Saturday Night Live alum Adam Sandler) with a perfectly deployed zinger. While undoubtedly a showcase vehicle for Ferrell’s talent, even more so than in Anchorman he and McKay are unusually generous to his impressive supporting cast, who, regardless of the size of the part, are given a moment to call his or her own: John C. Reilly (as Ricky’s race partner/best friend); Gary Cole (as Ricky’s deadbeat dad); Jane Lynch (as Ricky’s tough mom); Sacha Baron Cohen (as Ricky’s very French, very gay rival racer); Amy Adams (as Ricky’s loyal assistant); Michael Clarke Duncan (as the head of Ricky’s pit crew)–the list literally does go on. So, too, does the list of potential targets Ferrell and McKay would have a comic field day skewering; I eagerly anticipate whatever’s next.

    The Cave Done Right

    The DescentThe headline sounds like damning with faint praise, but a comparison between THE DESCENT and last summer’s largely forgotten late-season turkey are inevitable, as they are both thrillers in which people venture into a cavern only to find some nasty creatures awaiting them inside. But that’s where the similarities begin and end, as Neil Marshall’s UK import, while delivering the anticipated blood ‘n guts, is genuinely suspenseful and unsettling. In fact, it’s almost a disappointment when the creatures first show up, as Marshall already builds enough palpable tension as an all-female group of thrill seekers find their spelunking adventure gradually go awry. While this includes some conventional calamities as cave-ins and less-than-navigable passageways, the drama is enhanced by the increasing friction between the group members, particularly the fearless, feisty de facto leader Juno (Natalie Mendoza) and the tormented Sarah (Shauna Macdonald), still recovering from the tragic loss of her husband and child. Thankfully the drama doesn’t deflate but rather intensifies once the bloodthirsty creatures show up, and while Marshall does pile on the blood and body parts, the gore is not the be-all end-all unlike some recent “thrillers” but mere tools to go along with staging, editing, and pacing to create an intense, horrifying atmosphere. After all the carefully-wrought mayhem, the conclusion in this U.S. cut (as usual, someone saw the need to alter a foreign piece to tailor it to domestic tastes) is a bit of a cheap jolt, but it doesn’t dilute the disturbing effect of what comes before.

    Fly the Coop Already

    BarnyardTogether, John A. Davis and Steve Oedekerk made the refreshingly witty Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius. Apart, they have exemplified why studios need to slow down the CG/3-D animation output, first with Davis’s The Ant Bully and now Oedekerk’s BARNYARD. That the lead character is a “male cow” complete with udders shows how confused the picture is; it wants to be a Lion King-like story about a carefree son (voiced by Kevin James) taking responsibility and assuming the mantle of his dad (Sam Elliott) as leader and protector of his barnyard’s family of animals, but also wants to revel in the shallow joys and excesses of hakuna matata obnoxiousness. The result is neither moving nor charming–not to mention particularly funny to viewers over the age of ten–and the lackluster work of the B-level star cast (which also includes Arquette-less Courteney Cox and Andie MacDowell) makes one further yearn for the days of animated features starring bonafide voice actors.

    No One Is Listening

    The Night ListenerDespite his claim to fame as a manic cut-up, these days for me Robin Williams more interesting to watch in dramatic roles, from the summer 2002 one-two punch of Insomnia and One Hour Photo, and even in lesser projects such as 2004’s little-seen The Final Cut and now THE NIGHT LISTENER. Williams has a captivating, anguished stillness as Gabriel Noone, a writer and radio personality who strikes up a phone mail friendship with Pete, a dying teenage fan who may or may not actually exist. As he showed in The Business of Strangers, director Patrick Stettner knows how to keep the pace tight, the atmosphere unsettling, and the run time lean. But even at 82 minutes, this film of Armistead Maupin’s (who also had a hand in the script) novel seems padded out, spinning its wheels and generating no suspense once the central, easily answered question is introduced. Toni Collette delivers another solid turn as a woman who holds the key to the mystery, but the work by her, Williams, and Sandra Oh (largely wasted as Gabriel’s sassy housekeeper and confidant) cannot disguise what is plainly, quickly obvious to the viewer–though not the characters themselves.

    The Sundance Afterschool Special

    QuinceaneraAway from the high altitudes and freezing temperatures of Utah in January, the celebrated Sundance prizewinner QUINCEAÑERA doesn’t look quite so special. Although it boasts appealing work by two promising newcomers–Emily Rios as Magdalena, who discovers she is mysteriously pregnant in the weeks before her traditional Mexican fifteenth birthday celebration; Jesse Garcia as her cousin Carlos, a gang member coming to terms with his homosexuality–Richard Glatzer and Wash Westmoreland’s drama is as slavishly routine as it is warm and crowd-pleasing; there’s even an aging great-grand-uncle (a winning Chalo González) whose fate is telegraphed even without me adding “saintly” to his character description. The themes of teen pregnancy, young homosexuality, and radical changes in an old neighborhood are handled in a simple, tidy fashion that feels as calculated and programmatic as a Very Special Episode of a series or an afterschool special; the cursory ethnic angle particularly gives the film the latter feel, and Carlos’s scandalous affair with one half of the gay landlord couple gives the film instant Sundance-anointed R-rated indie arthouse chic. The beguiling genuineness of Rios, Garcia, González, and most of the cast ultimately cannot combat the carefully orchestrated paint-by-numbers formula.

    Not So Spectacular

    The L.A. Riot SpectacularWith a title like THE L.A. RIOT SPECTACULAR, writer-director Marc Klasfeld’s aim is obvious: to shock and, better yet, offend with this outrageous satire of the 1992 civil unrest that erupted in Los Angeles after the Rodney King police beating and trial verdict. But not unlike the recent crop of gore-filled horror movies that spend too much energy trying the gross out the audience instead of scaring it, this is one of those comedies that exhausts itself trying to be outrageous and crass but often forgetting to actually be funny. A number of familiar names–Emilio Estevez, Charles S. Dutton, George Hamilton, Charles Durning, Ronny Cox, William Forsythe, Ted Levine, Christopher McDonald, even Jonathan Lipnicki–pop up as Snoop Dogg narrates the wacky, irreverent chain of events that follow the beating of King (T.K. Carter), but the parade of random recognizable faces underscores how thrown together and scattershot the film is. Very occasionally something hits and incites a chuckle, but much like the overall broad approach, whatever targets are hit are from the most obvious angle (e.g. some faintly amusing bits about how the media are–shocker–heartlessly exploitative vultures), and even at only 80 minutes the forcibly over-the-top, in-your-face lowbrow shock tactics become exhausting well before the halfway mark.

    Sights Unseen

    Dimension Films and the Weinsteins may now be free of the Disney reins, but the hot-potato game of release dates for genre films continue as the remake of Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s PULSE finally hits theatres after getting tossed around the schedule for the last year. Kristen Bell, Christina Milian, and Rick Gonzalez are among the teens terrorized by a deadly force unleashed on the Internet.

    Tim Allen’s latest family film ZOOM casts him as a retired superhero bringing together a group of superpowered youths to battle a supervillain (Rip Torn). Courteney Cox also stars.

    At the Video Store

    The screen adaptation of Alan Moore and David Lloyd’s celebrated graphic novel V FOR VENDETTA (Warner Home Video) wasn’t quite the huge blockbuster that a lot of recent comic-to-screen projects have been, but director James McTeigue and screenwriters Larry and Andy Wachowski have fashioned a masked (anti)hero yarn mixing the requisite action with unusually provocative, thought-provoking ideas–brains to go with the bangs, booms, and blood. Central to the story is not so much the titular Guy Fawkes-masked terrorist/freedom fighter V (Hugo Weaving) combating the fascist government of Great Britain than the political and intellectual awakening he inspires in a young woman (Natalie Portman) who becomes his unlikely ally. Warner Home Video has issued both a standard edition (available in either widescreen or full-frame) and two-disc special edition (widescreen only). The latter includes extensive documentaries on the making of the film, the original comic, and the real-life Guy Fawkes; as well as, as an Easter egg, Portman’s infamous Saturday Night Live music video.

    Walt Disney Home Entertainment’s DVD of their Tim Allen-starring remake of THE SHAGGY DOG has to go down in some sort of history book for offering a “bone-us” feature strictly for the dogs (literally): a “bark-along” Sing-Along Songs-style clip for the song (yes) “Woof! There It Is.” The usual deleted scenes and commentary by director Brian Robbins are also included.

    Next Time…

    …more reviews, including Accepted. As always, for additional reviews from past and present and and more, check out my home site, TheMovieReport.com.

     

     

  • Addicted to Bad: Curse Words

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    Statistics is the science of proving that everyone you meet is a either a pervert, a criminal, or has a rare, communicable disease. Usually this is done at the behest of a local news program, who uses the numbers to scare old people. Which in turn causes more old people to die, thus providing statisticians with more data. And that, my friends, is the circle of life.

    Regardless, statistics tell us that, out of any group of 100 people, 99 of them will suffer some horrible misfortune during their life, and the 100th still won’t win the lottery. Which is why it’s so hard to believe in the so-called “Superman Curse.” Sure, Supermancurse creators Jerry “Joe” Shuster and Jerry “Joe” Siegel died penniless, begging on the streets and selling their bodies to Japanese businessmen in exchange for a warm place to sleep and a half-empty Snapple, but that’s more an indication of the predatory business practices of the 1930s comic book industry than it is some sort of supernatural curse against people connected to the character. Name me a legendary comic creator who didn’t wind up broke, disillusioned, and trading his body to perverse Asian millionaires for cash and/or soft drinks. Apart from George Papp (who had a taste for Austrians and Mr. Pibb), it can’t be done.

    Which isn’t to say that there aren’t some comic book movies that are, indeed, stricken by widespread afflictions that some say border on the paranormal. For instance:

    BATMAN: Actors playing this character have all later been diagnosed with “tennis elbow.” (See photo.) Also, actresses appearing as love interests for Bruce Wayne have all been revealed to be completely and utterly insane.

    SPIDER-MAN: At least three actors associated with the character are chronically unable to match their socks. In addition, many of the silver screen’s Spider-Men look really stoned, even when they’re not.Fatman

    THOR: Two of the men who have portrayed this character on screen have later gone on to be Cardinals in the Catholic Church, but have always been passed over for Pope.

    TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: Every single performer in these films has had a sex change operation.

    SWAMP THING: My friend tells me that he knew this guy who worked on SWAMP THING 2: EVEN SWAMPIER who swears that there’s one shot in the movie where you can totally see Dick Durock’s taint. More a curse for the viewers than the cast, if you ask me.

    THE FANTASTIC FOUR: Gerald Mohr, who originated the part of Reed “Mr. Fantastic” Richards on the 1967 cartoon, suffered from crippling bacharachornithophobia, or a fear of birds owned by singer-songwriters. In the 1990s, Cam Clarke, who portrayed the same character, had the exact opposite condition, bacharachornithophilia, or an unusual sexual attraction to birds owned by singer-songwriters.

    THE CROW: Nothing bad has ever happened to anyone from these movies, ever.
    GhostRider
    GHOST RIDER: Actors associated with this role have a history of appearing in awful movies about motorcyclists with flaming heads.

    BLADE: Spooky but true: 37 crew members became ill on the set, first getting a high fever and then nausea, followed by their internal organs turning into a fine paste. However, this was later discovered not to be a curse, but botulism poisoning.

    SPAWN: Everyone associated with this film has at one time or another been described as “a total dink.”

    CONSTANTINE: Strange things were constantly being reported around this film’s set. Trained performers, called “actors,” would show up each day, having learned pre-rehearsed sections of written conversations, or “dialogue,” which they would enact in front of “cameras” loaded with “film” that would record the entire thing. Later, these “scenes” were taken to a lab, processed, and then carefully thrown away, replaced by total, unfiltered crap.

  • Weekend Shopping Guide 8/11/06: Elk’s Run

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    The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the Quick Stop Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

    I don’t often feature something that actually hasn’t hit shelves yet, but I want to make sure everyone heads over to their favorite online book emporium and pre-orders the trade collection of Josh Fialkov’s amazing comic series Elk’s Run (Random House, $19.95 SRP). Just do it… Then head back here and we’ll get on with this week’s shopping guide.

    What I love so much about The Wire is that you never get the same show when you come back in for another season. The focus shifts and suddenly you’re dropped into a different arena. The third season (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP) focuses on the city’s faltering drug war, with a desperate mayor eager to claim some sort of victory before the upcoming election in the face of a police department running on empty. The 5-disc set features the full 12-episode run, plus a Museum of television & Radio Q&A, a conversation with creator David Simon, and five audio commentaries.

    Smart and savvy, Brendon Frye (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) has chosen to remain an outsider – but soon finds himself up to his neck in a high school crime ring when he tries to solve the murder of the girl he loved. Brick (Universal, Rated R, DVD-$29.98 SRP) is a sharp, brilliantly executed old school detective story, I can’t compliment Gordon-Levitt enough on a riveting performance that kept my eyes glued for the duration (which is no small task for a multitasker like me). Bonus features include an audio commentary, deleted scenes, and a featurette on the casting process.

    Just when I begin to sink into a full-on depression about the state of comics today, the latest parcel from Twomorrows always brightens my spirits, bringing me back to far happier times and spotlighting amazing work worthy of the attention. Three releases worth snagging are the first volume collecting Roy Thomas’s Alter Ego (Twomorrows, $21.95 SRP), Danny Fingeroth and Mike Manley’s How To Create Comics: From Script To Print ($13.95 SRP), and my personal fave, Modern Masters: Walter Simonson ($14.95 SRP).

    As a fan of Chappelle’s Show right from its premiere, I was incredibly leery of the trio of episodes cobbled together from the footage shot for the show’s third season prior to Dave’s abrupt departure. Based on just how much material was cut from the first two seasons because it didn’t quite make the bar, I can only imagine that a fair share of the sketches shot would have been cut long before a real third season would have aired, just in the natural vetting process. After viewing the Frankenstein-episodes featured on Chappelle’s Show: The Lost Episodes (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$24.99 SRP), my fears were entirely justified and, sadly, borne out by the material on display. Of the dozen or so pieces, only about 3 were truly worthy of the show’s legacy (and the bulk of that strong material is in the first episode presented here, most of which is a rather unsubtle look at exactly where Dave’s head was at and why his flight to Africa should have come as no surprise to anyone paying attention), while the rest range from average to abysmal. It really is a sad way for such an incredible show to go out, but I guess that’s business. Bonus materials include additional unaired sketches, deleted scenes, bloopers, a making-of, and audio commentary.

    In one of those cases of “What do you mean a book like this hasn’t come out before?”, I wholeheartedly recommend, suggest, prod, and poke you into getting a copy of Steve Allen and the Original Tonight Show (Prometheus Books, $26.00 SRP), which details the formative era of late night television and one of its main pioneers, whose long shadow still looms large over his heirs.

    As soon as I watched the pilot, I feared that Prison Break (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$55.98 SRP) was going to be one of those shows that had a high concept that would eventually run out of steam and collapse in a pathetic, clichéd mess (see Twin Peaks and X-Files). At least for the first season, the steam is still there, and I’m eager to see exactly how the brothers Scofield will make their break, what the big conspiracy is, and whether Michael can ever get that tattoo removed. The 6-disc set features all 22 episodes, plus select episode audio commentaries, a trio of behind-the-scenes featurettes, Fox Movie Channel’s Making the Scene, and alternate/deleted scenes.

    When it first premiered, I absolutely adored Adult Swim’s Sealab 2021. It was odd, it was surreal, but it was also funny as hell in a decidedly bent fashion. However, the show hit a significant hurdle when the actor who played the loony Captain Murphy – Harry Goz – passed away. Unfortunately, the show lost a lynchpin, and never was able to recover the same level of, well, funny that they’d lost. By the time the final episodes of the series – contained in the new 4th season set (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP) rolled around, the writing was clearly on the wall and they very appropriately decided to close up shop. The episodes are certainly not their best, but I thank them for giving me Captain Murphy and a nice footnote to the long career of Harry Goz. The 2-disc set features the last 13 episodes, plus deleted scenes, featurettes, and an alternate ending to “Legacy of Laughter.”

    Another Adult Swim original marking it’s final DVD release is The Brak Show (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP), which – although it ended on a much higher note – definitely stepped away as the well was beginning to run dry on the twisted suburban adventures of Brak, Zorak, Mom, and Dad. There are no bonus features on the 2-disc Volume 2 set – it’s just the last 14 episodes.

    At first, I honestly wasn’t sure if the new Ween album, Shinola: Vol. 1 (Chocodog Records, $14.98 SRP) was complete genius or complete crap. Over its 12-track run, I vacillated between the two until I heard the last track, “Someday,” and it clicked – and I’m happy to say, it’s the positive rather than the negative.

    When I saw the original theatrical cut of Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven, I was less-than-impressed by the cluttered, somewhat incomprehensible morass of it all. I’m happy to say that his revised and expanded director’s cut (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$34.98 SRP) is a vast improvement, taking what was a disappointing entry in his career and making film that – while not great – is certainly the mess it was. The 4-disc set features an introduction from Scott, audio commentaries, a 6-part feature-length documentary on the making of the film an its eventual director’s cut, deleted scenes, behind-the-scenes featurettes on various aspects of the production, cast rehearsal footage, visual effects breakdowns, storyboard and conceptual art galleries, footage from the premieres, trailers, TV spots, and more.

    It’s not your average Spike Lee flick, and maybe it was the surprise of something different that made me get a real kick out of Inside Man (Universal, Rated R, DVD-$29.98 SRP), an action set piece about a high stakes bank robbery gone pear-shaped, leaving a detective (Denzel Washington) to deal with both the robber (Clive Owen) and a power broker (Jodie Foster) with an agenda of her own. Bonus features include a conversation between Lee and Washington, an audio commentary from Lee, deleted scenes, and a making-of featurette.

    Following the same release pattern of its companion show, He-Man, we get The Best of She-Ra: Princess of Power (BCI, Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP). The 2-disc set features the original pilot film The Secret of the Sword, plus the top 5 episodes as voted by fans. The set is also packed with bonus materials, including a brand new behind-the-scenes documentary, an audio commentary on Secret of the Sword, a music video featurette, and more of the collectible postcards that have been featured in the He-Man sets, this time by Brandon Peterson and Joe Chiodo. Keep an eye out for the first seasonal volume in the near future.

    Proving once again that they’re the only company out there who should be doing releases of cartoon shows, BCI has managed to make a special edition worth owning of the largely mediocre animated Flash Gordon series (BCI, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP). Running just 24 episodes, they’re all featured in this 4-disc set, which also contains a newly produced retrospective documentary, a trio of episode commentaries, storyboard-to-clip comparisons, a gallery, and more (plus another pair of collectible postcards). Why couldn’t BCI have been the ones to put out the Disney catalogue, such as DuckTales and Darkwing Duck?

    Finally giving it the definitive edition it deserves, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (Fox, Rated PG, DVD-$26.98 SRP) adds to the bonus features already found on the original DVD release, winding up with 2 audio commentaries, a making-of featurettes, a featurette on the real Butch & Sundance, an extended making-of documentary, a History Through the Lens documentary, interviews with the cast and crew, deleted scenes, trailers, and more.

    The fourth season of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP)shook up the status quo by sending Will and Carlton off to college, and increasing the comedy with Uncle Phil (the always wonderful James Avery). The 4-disc set is, sadly, completely featureless… Come on, you couldn’t even get Alfonso Ribeiro?

    With the release of second volume of season 4, the deluxe Starburst Editions of Farscape (ADV, Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP) is drawing to a close, with only a single release remaining to finish off the series. So far, the Starburst sets have been worthy reissues, packed with new bonus materials that should satisfy the most diehard of fans (short of having Ben Browder and Claudia Black packed in every case).

    Examining their formative years, Rolling Stones: Under Review 1962-1966 (Sexy Intellectual, Not Rated, DVD-$19.95 SRP) is a nicely presented analysis of the rock royalty as they exploded from a bar band to a worldwide phenomena.

    Craig Armstrong’s music for Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center (Sony Classical, $18.98 SRP) is just as understated and subtle as you’d hope would accompany so touchy a subject matter, never devolving into unnecessary (and unwelcome) bombast that would turn the flick into a Hollywood cliché. Give it a spin.

    Of the three films featured in the new Jayne Mansfield Collection (Fox, Not Rated, DVD-$49.98 SRP) – which include The Girl Can’t Help It and The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw – my favorite has to be the Madison Avenue satire Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?, starring a young Tony Randall at his comic best as the titular adman desperately trying to climb the corporate ladder. Fox has taken a page from Warner’s beautiful catalogue releases by getting commentaries and classic Fox Movietone featurettes for each of the discs.

    You know, the first season really didn’t phase me too much, as it was so much brainless eye candy, but the second season of MTV’s Laguna Beach (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP) is when the contrived crap of it all really started to drive nails into my cranium. I truly, honestly, would not care if the sea along the beach they so adored just swallowed up each and every one of them. The 3-disc set features deleted scenes, cast interviews, home videos, behind-the-scenes featurettes, and more.

    Regardless of the content, I love the designs of Xiaolin Showdown (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP), the first season of which is now hitting you local DVD emporium. It’s like a cross between Powerpuff Girls and Teen Titans, and it’s a dynamic I really dig.

    Far from inheriting an exhausted license, McFarlane Toys has found new and quite fun permutations in their take on the Simpsons action figure line, with the latest release being the Couch Gag Playset (McFarlane Toys, $20.00 SRP), where you can mix-and-match the family’s positions via magnets located throughout the figures. Stack ’em wackily, and join me in hoping for a really nice Power Plant playset in the near future.

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    So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

  • Brat-halla #140: God of War

    by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with (this week) inks by Meth and grayscaling by L. Jámal Walton

    A quick intermission while Seth and Jeff finish recovering from their trip to Wizard World Chicago.  Norse Force continues next week.
    ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

    God of War – Page 1
    God of War – Page 2
    God of War – Page 3
    God of War – Page 4

    For extras, visit the Brat-halla Web site!

    Check out the preview to the Image comic Jeff writes…

    E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | BRAT-HALLA BLOG | BRAT-HALLA FORUM | ARCHIVES

  • Quickcast Interview: Terry Gilliam

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    quickcast-20060620-gilliam01.jpgIn this multi-part series of podcast interviews with Quick Stop’s Ken Plume, filmmaker Terry Gilliam discusses everything from his days as a Python to digital filmmaking, including his new film, Tideland.

    You can find out more about Tideland at the official website, tidelandthemovie.com, and more about Terry at the website Dreams.

    A Note On The Audio: Due to a rather poor transatlantic line, audio quality is not the best, but all effort has been made to clean things up as much as possible.

    DOWNLOAD PART 1:
    mp3 Format (13.4 MBs)
    m4a Format (20.5 MBs)

    DOWNLOAD PART 2:
    mp3 Format (9.78 MBs)
    m4a Format (14.9 MBs)

    DOWNLOAD PART 3:
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    DOWNLOAD PART 4:
    mp3 Format (11.6 MBs)

    DOWNLOAD PART 5:
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    DOWNLOAD PART 6:
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    DOWNLOAD PART 7:
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    DOWNLOAD PART 8 (Final Installment):
    mp3 Format (10.0 MBs)

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  • Spook’d #89: Little Miss Frankenstein

    by Jeffery Stevenson and Seth Damoose with colors by Anthony Lee

    With Wizard World Chicago this past weekend, and with Seth getting sick last week, we decided to just run one of our earlier pre-‘Shoot/pre-QuickStop pages. Consider it a quick intermission… we’ll be back to the Extreme Lair Makeover storyline next week.

    Larger sized comic | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

    Spook'd #89: Little Miss Frankenstein

    To see Spook’d host Alastor’s blogging silliness and more fun Spook’d stuff,visit the Spook’d Web site!

    Check out the preview to…

    E-MAIL WRITER | ABOUT JEFF | ABOUT SETH | SPOOK’D BLOG | SPOOK’D FORUM | ARCHIVES | OLDER ARCHIVES

    Disclaimer: All material in Spook’d is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.

  • Weekend Shopping Guide 8/4/06: Out From Boneville

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    The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the Quick Stop Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

    Comic-Con is now a thing of the past, and my attention begins to turn towards the 5th annual Gonzo FilmFest at this year’s DragonCon at Atlanta, that I’ll be assembling and hosting in conjunction with Needcoffee.com. Trust me – you won’t want to miss it this year, starting Saturday evening on September 2nd (I’ll also be moderating the Adult Swim and Monkey Talk panels, plus a few surprises). Be there.

    I’ve never really been a huge video game fan. Sure, I owned the obligatory Nintendo and even Super Nintendo “back in the day,” but I generally only played games that were pretty straightforward and could be jumped into and out of quite easily (Super Mario Brothers, Zelda. Donkey Kong, etc.). As soon as my family got our first PC (and we’re talking late 80’s, here), however, I was instantly taken with the games being produced by Sierra Online – epic adventures like King’s Quest, Space Quest, Heroes Quest (aka Quest for Glory) and even Lesirue Suit Larry. Really, they were like electronic, interactive storybooks, as the tale being told and the characters themselves were just as engrossing as solving the next puzzle or finding the parts to a hyperdrive engine. That kind of puzzle-based, interactive storytelling has largely fallen by the wayside, replaced by massive RPGs or first-person shooters (often with an online tournament angle). Well, just when I was despairing I’d ever see a fun little story-based adventure come down the pike, the folks at Telltale Games (www.telltalegames.com) have been adapting Jeff Smith’s sprawling Bone saga in point-and-click chapter form, with each arc of his longform story equaling it’s own installment, downloadable over the internet for $12.99 each or you can purchase a CD and download for only $17.99. So far, the first two chapters are available (“Out From Boneville” and “The Great Cow Race”), with more on the way. The design work is truly stunning, but best of all – they’re fun… and at the end of each game, you’re definitely eagerly awaiting the next outing.

    If you’re not familiar with Jeff Smith’s Bone saga and the adventures of the three Bone cousins (Fone Bone, Phoney Bone, and Smiley Bone) in the heart of the mysterious Valley), I heartily recommend you pick up the colorized editions (the original comics were printed in black & white) that are being released by Scholastic publishing’s graphic novel line, Graphix. Although softcover editions of the first four arcs – “Out From Boneville,” “The Great Cow Race,” “Eyes of the Storm,” and “The Dragonslayer” are available ($ SRP each), I suggest you snag the beautiful hardcover editions instead ($18.99 SRP), as this is definitely a series you’ll want to put in a place of honor on your shelf (and it makes the perfect gift for any children in your life – in fact, my nephew already has a set on the way).

    With each new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I harbor the fear that the delicate balancing act that Larry David’s been able to pull off will come undone, toppling like a house of cards and leaving a bad aftertaste of brilliant comedy gone south. Thankfully, things are still working as they should in the fifth season (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP), as his father’s stroke leads to the revelation that Larry may have been adopted – and not Jewish – a crisis of friendship develops when an ailing Richard Lewis needs a kidney, a smoking jacket is stolen from a famous raconteur, a Christ nail causes family strife, and much more. The 2-disc set also features a pair of documentaries chronicling the development, casting, and execution of the show.

    Much like Adaptation before it, Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story (HBO, Rated R, DVD-$27.98 SRP) is a film about the attempt to film a book long seen as unfilmmable – in this case, Laurence Sterne’s The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman. Starring Steve Coogan as Shandy, the flick flashes back and forth between Shandy’s 18th century life and the filmmakers 21st century attempt to crack the key to filming it, it’s an amazingly satisfying, and funny, piece of work. Bonus features include an audio commentary with Coogan and Rob Brydon, behind-the-scenes footage, an extended interview with Coogan, deleted scenes, and the theatrical trailer.

    As much as Lost tries to maintain an off-kilter sense of “What’s going on?” and “Where’s it all going?” and “What’s reality?”, nothing they’ve done holds a candle to the brilliant mind f*** (to use the proper term, natch) that was The Prisoner (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$139.95 SRP). Retirement is not an option for Patrick McGoohan’s top secret agent, as he’s abducted from his London home and placed in a mysterious area known only as The Village, where everyone is known by a number and they all have important secrets locked in their noggin. The newly christened prisoner Number 6 tries not only to retain his humanity in the 17-episode run, but also find a way to free himself. The newly remastered 10-disc set features rare behind-the-scenes footage, an alternate version of the episode “The Chimes of Big Ben”, original broadcast trailers, a new limited edition collector’s booklet, and more. Get it. Now.

    As self-deprecating as his narration is, I think Jeffrey Ross’s Patriot Act (Hart Sharp, Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP) is one of the most fascinating films I’ve seen this year. Essentially a home movie of his very first USO trip ever, deep into the heart of Iraq shortly after the invasion to entertain the already beleaguered troops, it’s refreshingly candid and largely apolitical, presenting the view with a document of the reality on the ground. Ross was spurred on by the legacy of Bob Hope’s tireless trips overseas for the sake of the troops’ morale, and it’s that respect for just how important an ounce of entertainment is to soldiers on the frontline that shines through. Honestly, this is highly recommended. Bonus features include a director’s statement, additional scenes, additional footage from another USO tour, additional aerials of Iraq, and a featurette on the 5-hour Amsterdam layover.

    Words can not express just how much I’ve come to love Warner’s “Signature” collections, the latest being their 4-flick set spotlighting the legendary Bogie & Bacall (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP). The films in question are To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Dark Passage, and Key Largo. All 4 are definite must-haves, bolstered by a bonus materials including making-of featurettes, vintage cartoons, and more (the prerelease version of The Big Sleep is fascinating).

    The writing was certainly on the wall during the seventh season of Three’s Company (Anchor Bay, Not Rated, DVD-$29.98 SRP) that the show was winding down. Jack (John Ritter) opened his restaurant, Terri (Priscilla Barnes) flirts with marriage, and Janet (Joyce DeWitt) has a run-in with Mr. Furley’s (Don Knotts) young nephew. The 4-disc set features all 22 episodes, plus a very nice (and much appreciated) little tribute to Knotts.

    With a 2-year-old nephew – and as an uncle not wanting him to fall under the evil sway of the modern crop of “children’s entertainment” – I’m always on the lookout for classic books, DVDs, and toys to get him. When I found out that the classic “Little Golden Books” were being re-released with accompanying audio CDs in addition to the original books (Golden Books, $7.99 SRP), I knew little Cameron had to have them. How could I resist making sure he got to experience Tawny Scrawny Lion, Scuffy The Tugboat, The Poky Little Puppy, and The Saggy Baggy Elephant?

    It’s very rare that I actually find the time to make it into a movie theater to see a flick on the big screen, so it’s always a big disappointment when the wheel of fortune delivers those infrequent visits a turkey of a pic, but a sheer delight when it’s actually a great film. For all its flaws in pacing and the changes it made to Alan Moore’s source material, I truly dug seeing V for Vendetta (Warner Bros., Rated R, DVD-$34.98 SRP) on the big screen (LA’s Arclight, to be exact). Sure, it’s a rather blatant, unsubtle criticism of the times we find ourselves in, but it’s that decided lack of subtlety that made it such a rollicking criticism of the powers that be. Every once in awhile, blatant works – and it certainly did here. The 2-disc set contains a making-of documentary, behind-the-scenes featurettes, and the theatrical trailer.

    Not content to let everyone else jump into the graphic novel pool, Disney Press has taken the plunge as well, inaugurating their line with adaptations of Lilo & Stitch and Finding Nemo (Disney Press, $3.99 SRP each). These Disney Junior Graphic Novels are pretty faithful to the films, and the art is of the same polished style you’ll find in the average issue of Disney Adventures. Fun for the kiddies, and a great gift.

    I’m not sire if we really needed a knock-off of both Resident Evil and Underworld, but that’s certainly what Ultraviolet (Sony, Not Rated, DVD-$28.95 SRP) feels like. It even has Milla Jovovich as the woman caught in the futuristic civil war between the government and the disease-riddled subculture that’s been bred for strength, speed, and endurance (yes, you did just get the whole zombie vibe). It’s pretty eye candy, though, and a largely inoffensive way to spend a Saturday night’s DVD spin. The unrated edition contains additional footage, plus commentary from Jovovich and a making-of featurette.

    Most will dismiss it as light pop, but I always enjoyed my Bruce Hornsby and the range CD, purchased many years ago and always a great disc to work to (I could listen to “The Way It Is” on repeat for hours… and, sadly, have). Having only ever listened to that disc, 90% of the material found on the new 5-disc Bruce Hornsby: Intersections 1985-2005 (Sony Legacy, $49.98 SRP) was new to me, and I liked what I heard. Packed with album tracks, film music, and even a bonus DVD, it’s already in my listening rotation.

    The stars just keep on dying in the complete fourth season of Tales From The Crypt (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP), with gore turns from Brad Pitt, Cathy Moriarty, Treat Williams, Timothy Dalton, Robert Patrick, David Warner, Twiggy, Christopher reeve, Margot Kidder, Meat Loaf, Blythe Danner, David Morse, and more. The 3-disc set features all 14 episodes, plus audio commentary on “What’s Cookin’” and a guest star montage.

    I tried and tried, but I never could get into HBO’s Carnivale. I admired the epic story of the literal struggle between good and evil they were trying to pull off, but it never clicked for me. There are fans out there, though, who will want to pick up the complete second (and, so far, final) season set (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP), featuring all 12 episodes plus audio commentaries, a Museum of Television & Radio panel, a “Creating the Scene” featurette, And a half-hour documentary explaining the show’s mythology (if they’d actually aired this, I might have actually clicked with it).

    One night, little Sophie is snatched from her bed by a giant – coincidentally, the titular BFG (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$19.95 SRP) of Roald Dahl’s children’s tale, as Sophie and the big friendly giant must stop the nefarious, kid-devouring plans of the evil giants Bloodbottler, Fleshlumpeater, and Bonecruncher before the nasty lot make it to England and the feast begins. A classic little Dahl tale, brought to animated life by the folks at Cosgrove Hall.

    If you want to bring a decided hipster vibe to your iPod (or your next party), then pick up the newest releases from Sony Legacy’s “Signature Series”, featuring best-of collections spotlighting old school songsmiths like Count Basie, Sarah Vaughn, Dizzy Gillespie, Rosemary Clooney, and Billie Holiday (Sony Legacy, $11.98 SRP each). Come on-a my house, indeed.

    While I’ve always enjoyed the “New Rules” segment on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, I would have preferred complete episodes of the show as opposed to the concentrated dose of those segments collected on the Bill Maher: New Rules disc (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$19.98 SRP). It’s best to take its 45-minute run time in small chunks, and hope they’ll eventually release complete seasons.

    Has it really been 10 years since Blue’s Clues first hit the air? It must be, since Nick Jr. has released a 10th anniversary DVD, Blue’s Biggest Stories (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$16.99 SRP), and CD, Blue’s Biggest Hits (Nick Records, $12.98 SRP). Whatever happened to Steve, anyway?

    It seemed that it took forever and a day for Beavis & Butthead to finally hit DVD, but now, with the release of the 3rd Mike Judge Collection (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP) of episodes, they seem to be coming fast and furious. Fans will rejoice at the inclusion of another 42 cartoons, the original uncut Frog Baseball, 16 music videos with commentary, the 3rd part of the “Taint of Greatness” documentary, promos, special appearances, and much more.

    The newest Star Trek: Fan Collective collection this time features 11 episodes dealing with those belles of the ball, the Klingons (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$38.99 SRP), with 2 original series episodes (“Errand of Mercy”, “The Trouble With Tribbles”), 4 TNG episodes (“A Matter of Honor”, “Sins of the Father”, “Redemption” Parts 1 & 2), 3 DS9 episodes (including the brilliant “Trials and Tribble-ations”, plus “The way of the Warrior” and “The Sword of Khaless”), a single Voyager episode (“Barge of the Dead”), and the abysmal pilot to Enterprise (“Broken Bow”). Bonus materials include 3 new text commentaries from the Okudas, as well as an audio commentary on “Broken Bow” from Berman and Braga.

    While not Hammer horrors, the 3 films being released under the “Amicus Collection” banner are very much in the same vein as those early 70’s fright and gore fests, including starring Hammer regular Peter Cushing. The Beast Must Die, Asylum, and And Now The Screaming Starts (MPI, Not Rated, DVD-$14.98 SRP) are definitely not the best of the genre, but they are great rainy day flicks that any horror fan should at least check out.

    Nothing sums up that loveable early-80’s bombast more than the albums of Journey, which is why the secret guilty pleasure part of my brain was delighted by the new remasters (with bonus tracks!) of their albums Escape, Departure, Evolution, Infinity, plus their Greatest Hits (Sony Legacy, $11.98 SRP each). Now I can’t get “Any Way You Want It” out of my head. Bastards!

    Peta Wilson returns in the complete fourth season of La Femme Nikita (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$99.98 SRP), as Nikita’s marriage makes for some interesting revelations, while the series’ agenda comes to the fore. The 6-disc set features all 22 episodes, plus commentary on 2 episodes, deleted scenes with optional commentary, and a gag reel.

    Completely unnecessary and ultimately innocuous fluff that could just as easily been a direct-to-video, Disney’s remake of the Shaggy Dog (Walt Disney, Rated PG, DVD-$29.99 SRP) stars Tim Allen as the transformed human in what amounts to a cross between the Shaggy original, its sequel The Shaggy DA, and the “learning to be a good dad” arc of The Santa Clause. The disc features an audio commentary, deleted scenes, and a gag reel.

    Even though I consider myself a bit of a minor WWII buff, my knowledge of the events in the Pacific theater have been dwarfed by those of the European front, so I was often surprised by the knowledge gleaned from the History Channel’s D-Days in the Pacific: The Path To Victory From Guadalcanal To Okinawa (History Channel, Not Rated, DVD-$29.95 SRP). The 3-disc set features four documentaries and the A&E Biographies of Gen. MacArthur and Admiral Nimitz.

    The Ewing family is rocked as patriarch Jock Ewing is killed in a helicopter crash, but the billion-dollar bickering soon begins as each member of the family maneuvers in true Ewing fashion to secure their piece of the action, while J.R. and Sue Ellen divorce – plus murder, kidnapping , and more – in the fifth season of Dallas (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP). The 5-disc set also features a look at the real Southfork Ranch.

    I wasn’t terribly impressed with the trailer for the new Daniel Clowes flick, Art School Confidential, even though I got a real kick out of his original strips detailing the odd little universe that exists within the walls of your average art school. You can pick up those original strips along with Clowes’ screenplay (Fantagraphics, $14.95 SRP) and see for yourself.

    Not being a religious person, I admit that the internal struggles facing the potential priests in the 5-part series God or the Girl (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$24.95 SRP) were a bit lost on me, as the potential padres faced a life with either women or God. To each his own, I suppose. The 2-disc set also features deleted scenes, a mini-episode, and more.

    Decoding the Past: Secrets of the Koran (History Channel, Not Rated, DVD-$24.95 SRP) is one of those documentaries that take on a fresh relevance thanks to current events, and its in-depth look at the writing, development, and influence of the Muslim faith’s most important text is a necessary bit of information in understanding the current world we find ourselves in. The disc also features the “Muhammad” episode of A&E’s Biography.

    There’s nothing like cheap, lowbrow comedy, and that’s certainly the stock in trade of Blue Collar TV (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$24.98 SRP), the second season collection of which features all 13 episodes plus unaired sketches and a deleted “Booth” skits reel.

    So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

  • Take Me Home Blog #4 – How to Kill Your Brain

     

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    I’m 29. And a half (for any small children reading this). I am, by most standards, pretty young. Still able to fully enjoy sports (Tecmo Super Bowl being my favorite). Still able to avoid the allure of Matlock. If it weren’t for the possible return of shingles, I’d be in peak shape.

    No, it’s not a rectal problem (7). Shingles have to do with chicken pox, and are supposed to arrive during times of intense stress on the body. In my case, they’ve set up shop on the bridge of my nose. So, what is it exactly that’s making me this stressed? WAITING. Or, more precisely, WAITING FOR OUR FUNDING.

    PROLOGUE: December of 2005. I was in the kitchen breaking dishes when I was pulled into an interview with the Polish Brothers on NPR. If you haven’t heard of them, they wrote and directed Northfork, as well as Twin Falls, Idaho. They were promoting their book, The Declaration of Independent Filmmaking, and discussed some of the most valuable lessons learned from producing three independent films. One of the most compelling lessons was:

    DON’T WAIT AROUND FOR FUNDING. Everybody does. Everybody in this world, not just those of us out there making a film, mind you… EVERYBODY is waiting for the bling. But it should not be so, say the Polish Brothers. They believe young filmmakers need to shoot for a start date rather than a budget. Once that date comes, whether you’ve got five thousand dollars or five hundred thousand, you are shooting that damn movie. “And why not,” I thought. I was proud of the script, I was confident in my abilities as a director, I had no recurring chicken pox virus with which to contend. Seemed like a grand idea.

    And for that reason, I decided that we were going to shoot Take Me Home in 2006! Nay, SUMMER of 2006!!! Call the rental houses! Get my mother a baker’s cap! We’re making what is sure to be one of the Greatest Road-Trip Movies of All-Time!!!

    FLASH FORWARD: July 2006. Ain’t happenin’. This is not, afterall, going to be a summer road-trip movie, but a FALL road-trip movie. We were to start shooting on August 7th. That has been pushed. And why, among other reasons? We are WAITING. Or, more precisely, WAITING FOR OUR FUNDING.

    I FELL FOR IT. The Polish Brothers told me not to, and yet here I am; the throb of shingles starting to work its way into my forehead. In December, I loved the idea of just making this movie on a certain date. So we set our date. And come hell or high water, we were going to start on that date. However, about three months ago we got involved with a great guy who has ties to a solid group of investors. And, because I’m such a good boy, such a smart boy, I started to dream about actually PAYING our crew. Y’know, keep them happy. At the very least, keep them from rioting. If it was going to be as easy as it seemed at the time, I thought “why not?” What could be the worst that could happen?

    So we started planning to make our film with not one, but two budgets. The first budget with the prospective investment, the second with my own money. With an unpaid crew, with stolen locations, props, possibly even equipment. You can start to see how easy it was to attach ourselves to shooting with the first budget.

    So…

    -TWO MONTHS AGO we contacted a lawyer to draw up a contract between ourselves and the investors.
    -A MONTH-AND-A-HALF AGO we were to have that money in our film’s account.
    -THREE WEEKS AGO, we decided to postpone the movie in order to square that money away. -TWO WEEKS AGO we were told the money was to be transferred in the same day.
    -LAST WEEK we stopped hearing from them.
    -THIS WEEK I have shingles.
    -Any bets on what bodily malfunctions occur NEXT WEEK?

    There is still promise. I’m “mildly confident”, if such a term exists. Our tie to the investors happens to be (did I mention?) a GREAT GUY. And being a good boy myself, I’m inclined to believe the Great Guy when he says the money is coming in very, very soon. In the meantime, I offer you all this tidbit of advice:

    DON’T WAIT FOR THE MONEY. Keep doing the work; work on the script, work on finding locations, work on assembling a good crew that knows what a fiasco they’re getting into. In hindsight, we tried preparing for two different films, but we only focused on the big one.

    EPILOGUE:
    My friend Jeff Passino wrote a great script. It took place in one room with two characters. After he had slaved over the last draft, I asked him what he was going to do with it. “Find financing,” he said. When I asked how much he was hoping to get, he said five hundred thousand. “What could you possibly need $500,000 for?” He told me he wanted to pay the actors and get a great cinematographer. But…500K? He better be resurrecting Conrad Hall for that much.

    That said, I understand where Jeff’s coming from. My man spent a year writing and re-writing his baby. He wanted to get it done right. I certainly do. But…

    IT’S NOT GOING TO BE PERFECT. Never. You’re making a film; it’s a very tenuous process. Just work the budget; get that sucker taught. Then shoot the damn movie. I agree with the Polish Brothers; don’t wait around for money. If you can get your story across for ten grand rather than 500 grand, do it.

    Your body will thank you.

    -Recommended Viewing: Primer. Shot for $7000 on Super 16mm. Marvel over how Shane Carruth and Co. crafted this metaphysical thriller for scraps. Featuring an excellent director commentary.

    -Sam Jaeger

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  • Scrubs Blog: Scooter Charity

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    Before we get to this week’s entry, let me mention that you should be sure to check back each week for more Scrubs goodies, even during the summer hiatus”¦

    VIDEO BLOG #57: “My Scooter Signing” ““
    In support of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, a Scrubs Scooter is being raffled off on October 7th. Tickets for the auction can be purchased online right now for $5.00, with all the money going to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. Watch the second part of our behind-the-scenes look at the creation of the scooter, as the cast signs away, and then head over to the MS site and enter by CLICKING HERE

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    Download/Watch Scrubs Video Blog #57:        

       

    • Large (560 x 420 – QuickTime – 29MB)
    • Small (320 x 240 – QuickTime – 12MB)
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  • Film Flam Flummox: 8/4/2006

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    August 4, 2006

    I Can Feel It Slumming in the Air Tonight 

    Miami ViceAlthough it’s quite understandably one of the most definitive, iconic examples of ’80s pop kitsch, MIAMI VICE is an ideal television series to adapt into a feature film. Strip away the dated pastel fashions and Don Johnson’s perpetual beard stubble, and one’s left with executive producer Michael Mann’s pioneering visual- and music-driven style, a slick template for crime drama that has been aped on the tube and big screen alike for the last twenty years. That Mann has emerged as one of the more individualistic mainstream motion picture directors in those two decades made his return visit to the work and lives of police detectives Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs the rare pre-anointed summer blockbuster with the promise of something more substantial. But it’s the resulting work is an unsatisfying film on either level.

    The main gist of the plot here is simple and to the point, not unlike that of an episode of the old show: Crockett (Colin Farrell) and Tubbs (Jamie Foxx) go undercover to infiltrate a drug smuggling operation; along the way Crockett falls for the right-hand woman (Gong Li)–in a number of respects–to the big boss (Luis Tosar). On paper it’s pretty straightforward, but Mann seems intent on making it as talky, action-light, murky, and uninvolving as possible, with reams of monotonously delivered dialogue about shipping transactions. Not helping matters are the sometimes inscrutable accents, most prominently Gong’s. While hers remains one of the most eloquent faces in all of cinema (and one pivotal wordless scene makes one wonder what would could have been had she not declined the Amy Brenneman role in Mann’s Heat ten years ago) unlike in Memoirs of a Geisha, there are no broad, hyperbolic strokes to this character compensate for her difficulty with the language.

    That wouldn’t be so much of an issue if she struck any sparks with Farrell, but one of the major deficiencies in the film is chemistry–not just between Farrell and Gong, but Foxx and his love interest Naomie Harris (as a fellow detective), and, most damaging of all, Foxx and Farrell. I can understand Mann wanting to eschew typical film and TV “buddy” cop relations with this Crockett and Tubbs, but the two here don’t even have a convincing base working partnership. The Foxx-Farrell pairing can best be summed up by the first real Crockett-Tubbs scene in the film: on the rooftop of a club, on the phone… having separate conversations. The two share the frame and the on-set air but nothing else. Mann is still one of the best in the business when it comes to gunplay, and the two key action sequences–a tense sequence in a trailer park and a climactic shoot-’em-up–deliver all the loud, jolting fire and raw bloodshed one expects. But with all the characters being paper-thin ciphers thrown into the shots (in every sense), there’s no sense of stakes nor investment. The same perhaps can be said of Mann when it comes to the whole of this Miami Vice–interested in technical details than creating any soul in the piece.

    CG Animated Movie of the Week

    The Ant BullyEven if it weren’t the second of three CG animated films to be released in as many weeks, THE ANT BULLY would still feel blandly rote. Warner Bros., producer Tom Hanks, and director John A. Davis (who a few years ago helmed a genuinely unique CG feature in Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius) have gone where many have gone before: all-star “DreamWorks casting,” as I call it (no less than three popular Oscar winners–Julia Roberts, Nicolas Cage, and Meryl Streep–are the A-Listers at the top of the cast list); an ant colony setting (A Bug’s Life and Antz); and–in the ultimate show of laziness or most unfortunate coincidence–as in this past May’s Over the Hedge, villainous exterminator voiced by an actor from Sideways (here, Paul Giamatti; there, Thomas Haden Church). But even with such an air of familiarity, something could have been done to make this adaptation of John Nickle’s book feel more distinctive, and there is an interesting premise to work with: the “ant bully” of the title is actually a much-picked-on kid (voiced by Zach Tyler), who unleashes his anger and frustrations on the ant hill in his front yard; through a magic potion, he is reduced to ant size. The usual lessons about tolerance follow, and they could’ve easily been told with another member of the non-ant insect population and hence all the other expository baggage; and while the animation, particularly in the action set pieces, is indeed well done, it’s nothing revolutionary nor imaginative that stands out from the rest in this CG-feature-a-week marketplace.

    Wonderfully Bitter Sunshine

    Little Miss SunshineLITTLE MISS SUNSHINE is a family-centered road dramedy that culminates in a beauty pageant for little girls. But while writer Michael Arndt and married director team Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris convey the expected lessons about embracing who you are, foibles and all, it comes in a hilariously caustic package that makes its ultimate uplift genuinely feel-good instead of insufferably saccharine. The major credit goes to the cast, who make the dysfunctional Hoover family real people beyond their quirks: Greg Kinnear as the haughty wannabe self-help guru dad; Toni Collette as the ever-harried mom; Steve Carell as her brother, a gay, suicidal scholar; Alan Arkin as the crude, heroin-snorting grandpa; Paul Dano as the mopey, silent son who hates everyone; and Abigail Breslin as the cute, but far from pageant-perfect, daughter who is a finalist in the titular beauty contest. Their rushed road trip in an old VW bus from Albuquerque to the Redondo Beach event runs into the expected obstacles and complications, but any contrivances are genuinely funny and sold by the cast, who make you care about the oddball family and each member’s individual journey. But before the atmosphere flirts with getting too heavy, Arndt, Dayton, and Faris pull out all the stops with the finale, a spot-on recreation of a child pageant in all of its garish grotesquerie that’s as hilarious as it is disturbingly convincing–which then just makes that dreaded “feel-good” all the more deserved and satisfying.

    Little Miss Death Shine

    AzumiWith her angelic face and petite frame, Aya Ueto would be a favorite in any hypothetical Little Miss Sunshine contest. As the title character of the live action manga adaptation AZUMI, however, Ueto is anything but sunshine and tiaras; she’s the best in an elite group of young samurai assassins on a mission to assassinate some sadistic warlords in 19th century Japan. Despite admirably doing most of the samurai sword stunts herself, Ueto is a bit too dainty to be completely convincing as a ruthless killing machine, and she doesn’t have the acting chops to compensate for physical presence shortcomings; heavy-handed dialogue continually insisting that she’s “the best” doesn’t help matters, either. But it’s a tribute to the energy of director Ryuhei Kitamura that the big set pieces–including a huge, climactic explosion- and splatter-filled free-for-all samurai battle–still engage and excite in all their excess, and the raw visceral pleasures are enough to carry the film past some clunky melodrama that bloats the film to a two-hour-plus run time.

    Old News  

    ScoopAfter the dark, cynical trappings of his change-of-pace thriller Match Point, SCOOP finds Woody Allen reverting to his light comedy roots and general predictability. While he does retain two of the fresh elements in his last film, the London setting and star Scarlett Johansson, there isn’t a whole lot else here that will strike one as being fairly new–certainly not Allen in full kvetch as another neurotic nebbish, a hack magician who aids a student reporter (Johansson) on a less-than-professional undercover investigation of a dashing aristocrat (Hugh Jackman, given little to do) who may be a serial killer. As in any Allen comedy, a good one-liner pops up here and there, but the scattered wit and initial novelty of seeing and hearing Johansson put on an Allen avatar geek persona in her first scene can’t carry the film behind some clunky metaphysical devices (Johansson’s character is set on her investigation by the spirit of a recently deceased journalist, played by Ian McShane), the lack of big laughs, and Allen’s tired on-screen schtick.

    Sights Unseen

    Three teen girls (Ashanti, Sophia Bush, and Arielle Kebbel) decide that school stud JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE after they discover he’s been dating all of them. Jesse Metcalfe plays the title character, and Brittany Snow plays the new girl who helps the trio exact their revenge.

    At the Video Store

    After seeing him walk through Miami Vice, moviegoers may want to remind themselves that Colin Farrell can indeed act, as seen in ASK THE DUST (Paramount Home Entertainment), in which he plays a writer who gets caught up in a tempestuous affair with a Mexican waitress (Salma Hayek). Farrell is good, but he isn’t as impressive as Hayek, who again shows she candeliver when given weighty material; even more impressive still is the phenomenal production design, which recreated ’30s Los Angeles in South Africa. But despite the actors’ noble individual efforts, the chemistry never quite ignites, and Robert Towne’s labor of love (he worked some 30 years to bring John Fante’s novel to the screen) comes off as more of a meticulous technical exercise than an emotionally engaging one, and it gets increasingly less involving as more formulaic paces (beware the evil Cough of Foreshadowing) start to surface. The DVD includes commentary by Towne and cinematographer Caleb Deschanel as well as a making-of featurette.

    If you’ve seen the first two films in the series, then you know exactly what FINAL DESTINATION 3 (New Line Home Entertainment) has in store: a teen (in this go-round, Mary Elizabeth Winstead) has an ominous premonition of a deadly disaster, panics, causes herself and others to escape said disaster; the grim reaper picks off the survivors one-by-one in series of grisly “accidents.” There are some admittedly amusingly gory kills, and original director James Wong (returning after taking the second film off), does serve up some nicely macabre laughs along the way, but on the whole this is a cinematic case of lather, rinse, repeat. The two-disc “Thrill Ride Edition” DVD provides an exhaustive look at the making of the film by way of a commentary track by Wong as well as a feature-length making-documentary, plus a few for-the-fun of it extras: a featurette on the “Dead Teenager Movie” genre; a rather smart animated short about fate and death paranoia called It’s All Around You; and, most notably of all, a “choose their fate” option where one can alter the destinies of the characters while watching the film. This feature, with which the course of the film is altered to varying degrees, is good for equally varying levels of amusement, but it’s just one piece of an impressive DVD package.

    Those looking for a fully interactive movie experience may be interested in the first animated direct-to-video feature based on the classic CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE children’s book series, THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN (Goldhil Entertainment). Frankie Muniz, William H. Macy, Lacey Chabert, Daryl Sabara, and Felicity Huffman lend their voices to this tale that begins as an expedition to the Himalayas in search of the legendary Yeti but can end in no less than 11 ways. Bonus features include a documentary on the Himalayas and a behind the scenes featurette.

    Next Time…

    …more reviews, including The Descent. As always, for additional reviews from past and present and and more, check out my home site, TheMovieReport.com .

     

  • Noctural Admissions: Books , The Man Who Heard Voices

     

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    Toward the end of the excellent audio commentary track for the recent Criterion disc of his film  Slacker, Richard Linklater pretty much sums up the existential quandary of the film director in a wonderful extemporaneous passage that should be required auditing for every would-be helmer. “[With] money issues and all the other psychic pressures that would come up in such an undertaking, you have to be sort of a head coach,” he says. “You know, you gotta be a taskmaster, you gotta be a charmer, you gotta be a manipulator. You know, I had to tap into what I call ‘necessary bad qualities’ in a personality, you know: ego. You gotta be able to stand up for yourself at the right moments; you’re always subtly being challenged. You know, it was kind of a psychic mine field. I remember I was walking through, and I was going, OK, this is it, this is what a director does, you better buck up, you know, you better – I had to tap into some long lost part of my personality, that maybe being a team captain in sports a decade before,  that guy had to kind of reëmerge in my personality. It had  long been gone. It’s not what you ever thought about when you said you wanted to make films but it’s necessary, and if you can’t do that, if you can’t have those meetings and do that necessary crap, and not feel like your denying who you are, you know, then you really shouldn’t be doing it. You won’t be ** able to do it.”

     

    Book coverI thought of Linklater’s remarks throughout my reading of Michael Bamberger’s new book,  The Man Who Heard Voices: Or, How M. Night Shyamalan Risked His Career on a Fairy Tale (Gotham Books, 288 pages, $27.50, ISBN 1592402135). Linklater is a director I love and Shyamalan is one I have mixed feelings about, and the differences between them couldn’t be more caverous.

    I read Bamberger’s book sympathetically, but it is easy to interpret the work as an embarrassingly lengthy press release, and it has already received devastating reviews, such as Janet Maslin’s in the  New York Times, and  Christopher Goodwin in the  Times of London, on the basis of its hagiographic genuflections to Shyamalan’s cinematic genius (though “business savvy” would be a better label). Bamberger is a sports writer who has moved placidly in the presence of superstars such like Jim Courier, Michael Jordan, and Tiger Woods, yet it is Shyamalan who has reduced him to a blithering fan, finding exquisite nuance in the most mundane aspects of the filmmaking process.

    Part of the problem is that, as he admits, Bamberger knows nothing about movies. He never watches a film more than once, has never heard of Aint it Cool News, and couldn’t tell you if Ingmar Bergman is a chick or a guy. Instead he knows sports, and the ins and outs of conservative straight arrow publishing in the form of  Sports Illustrated. In short he is a square. But it takes a square to extoll one, and the clearest message in the book is that Shyamalan is a pampered, sheltered, privilged, unlettered, and inexperienced square.

    Night

     

    I’m not sure where I fall on the issue of Bamberger’s ignorance of the movie biz. Things highly familiar and routine to me strike him as fascinating, and though it is sometimes nicely “Martian” to have these familar things seen though neophyte eyes, one also despairs that someone so clueless was given such supreme access to Shyamalan and everyone in his creative circle. Bamberger pursued Shyamalan not because he was a movie buff but because he was developed some kind of man crush on him at a party, and seems to have an interest in minority success in mainstream areas of activity such as sports. Bamberger, who also lives in Pennsylvania like Shyamalan and his extended family, met the director at an exclusive dinner party and found himself so intrigued he pitched to Shyamalan the idea of spending a year as his Boswellian amanuensis. Shyamalan, for his part, is a tireless self-promoter, or at least a protector of his talent, and Bamberger seems to have caught him at a vulnerable moment, when he wanted to “prove” something to his former studio, Disney, as he embarked on a new relationship with Warner. But I can think also think of a heck of a lot of American directors who would benefit from this same kind of scrutiny and access, scrutiny that would benefit the readerL Tarantino, Scorsese, Stone, Coens, an Anderson.

    Heep

     

    The book begins just as Shyamalan is finishing up his latest script,  The Lady in the Water. At least it sounds like MNS really writes his screenplays, unlike a lot of Hollywood frauds, and he had great difficulty composing it (the script is supposedly based on a fairy tale he made up for his kids). Bamberger follows the scripts, in the hands of MNS’s then assistant Paula, as it goes across the country to three execs at Disney, none of whom grant it the kind of courtesy the spoiled rich kid is used to. At the end of a tense dinner with the trio back in Philly, Shyalaman more or less announces that he is leaving Disney. Its not clear  how he can do this; Bamberger doesn’t go into detail about the kind of contractual relationship he had with Disney (at the end of the book, Bamberger invites readers to email him questions, so I did, and Bamberger replied that after Shyamalan’s disastrous experience with Harvey Weinstein, MNS maintained a more distanced relationship with Disney, which I imagine is akin to a month-to-month lease).

    Cove

     

    Like a John McPhee, Bamberger attempts to delve into the minds of both parties, but the inside of Night’s mind is fully and warmly portrayed and the minds of the execs are cold and unforthcoming (one of them was fired from Disney the weekend that the movie opened and the book came out). Though Shyamalan is ushered into the Warner world, the image of the three executives hover in his head as a spur and a curse, in a rather crowded place what with all those voices. I leave you to consult DSM-IV about what a head of voices means. Bamberger watches the set built, the film cast, what appears to be the whole shoot, and various screenings and premieres.  Throughout, he shows abject admiration for Shyamalan and for a few others, such as lead Paul Giamatti, who, it turns out, he knew slightly already. Rarely does he show Shyamalan throw a fit. But he does, occasionally, generally in the direction of the DP, Christopher Doyle, who does not, to put it mildly, conduct himself in a manner consonant with the standards of this ancient gentlemen’s club (the book has been talked about as a Shyamalan career killer, but if anyone is at risk, it is Doyle, at least in the American market). Doyle’s idea of complimenting an actress during costume sizing is to say, “You look fuckable.”

    Cove apartments

     

    But for all the attention to the mechanics of the movie making process there are a few things missing. There isn’t a lot about Shyamalan and money, there isn’t much about  how he writes or why, and there isn’t anything about the vanity or consequences of him casting himself in his own movies. It’s reporting, not criticism, but I would also have liked something about Shyamalan’s artistic intentions.

     

    PosterThe consistent theme in MNS’s movies, though, is not the trick or surprise ending, but instead, the interesting thematic turn of someone thinking he is saving someone when in fact it is really he who is being saved. Dr. Malcolm Crowe (Bruce Willis) in  The Sixth Sense thinks he is helping the little boy, Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment), but it is really the kid who is rescuing Crowe from the delusion that he is still alive, while in  Unbreakable,  David Dunn isn’t being revealed as as superhero, it is Elijah Price being exposed as a supervillain. In  Lady in the Water, Cleveland Heep isn’t saving Story, she is rescuing Heep; depending on how clearly this narrative twist is treated defines how successful Shyamalan’s movie is going to be, on an aesthetic level.

     Lady is further complicated by is subtheme  of  telling stories, though. Heep can’t just learn more about the mysterious ethereal woman who emerged from the apartment swimming pool, he has to enjoin all manner of complex re-tellers to tell him. Thus, he can’t get the lexicon of the water people directly from the old Korean woman, it has to be translated to him by her daughter. Shyamalan thinks he is honoring storytelling, but he is really putting impediments in its way. In a related subplot, the critic (Bob Balaban) must die because he  doesn‘t convey stories, he merely interprets and judges them.

    Another theme in his films is water. Shyamalan is fixated on it. Water is (illogically, if you think about it for five seconds) Dunn’s Kryptonite in Unbreakable, as well as the aliens’ weakness in  Signs. Here it is the rejuvenating amniotic fluid for Story and her people.

    Bmaberger doesn’t go into any of this, but one shouldn’t expect him to, I guess.  Instead, he is the interested fly on the wall when Shyamalan has numerous encounters with executives, actors, production people, and intimates. To me the most fascinating segment is when Shyamalan confronts an unnamed  African-American NYU film student about a highly negative review he wrote anonymously for Ain’t It Cool News (since pulled down) after piggy backing into a highly exclusive early screening for intimates. Night and his team figured out who the poisoned penner was and called him out. Night met him him at a public place in Manhattan and proceeded to break through the kid’s arrogance and reduce him to tears, a blubbering slave intent on following Night’s wishes evermore.

    What is interesting about this story is less the intervention of a filmmaker into the very lowest rungs of critical reception of his work, but the image of him after the conversation, of him walking through the streets of New York, a little figure with an loose oversized knapsack hopping on his back. Suddenly the specter of Haley Macaulay Culkin in  Home Alone came into my head, and I realized that Shyamalan remains an adolescent. His movie tales are adolescent, his view on life is adolescent and his memories of the past are fixated on the small triumphs of the adolescent (as in an incomprehensible anecdote told first early in the book in which a teenage Night goes to a car with a girl in defiance of an athlete; I couldn’t really follow that anecdote but it apparently looms large in Night’s view of himself). MNS ended up marrying a beautiful woman, a sort of supermodel with brains, has two kids, is a millionaire with a large retinue of helpers, and his movies have made his corporate masters over a billion dollars. But he is still a disappointment to his parents, in Bamberger’s portrayal, and their lack of approval continues to infantalize him, while he still dwells (as do we all) on high school slights.  Night is a square. He uses outdated slang (dig, turn me off). Night’s favorite films are listed as films such as The Wizard of Oz, Raiders of the Lost Ark, ET: not a Samuel Fuller or a Bela Tarr flick in the bunch, just straight down the line corporate blockbusters. He is only just now “getting into” (as Night might say) Bob Dylan, and his identification with Dylan, as a troubled artist facing misunderstanding, is utterly square – and a few decades late.

    Mermaid

     

    I regret that all this sounds negative, because I had a fine time reading the book (which is really more like a long magazine article – without pictures). It made me almost sympathize with Shyamalan, it provided some insight into the movie making process, and I got interesting glimpses into Giamatti and Doyle.  The person I identified with most was, oddly,  Bryce Dallas Howard, who confesses to nervousness and emotional and intellectual withholding  and nervousness when she is in the spotlight on the set and when she is in Night’s presence, which is exactly how I would be. Bamberger writes easefully, his enthusiasm is appreciated, and he happened upon a showbiz story with real drama in it (although the book came out before the story was over). It’s a quick read but well worth the time.

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